Happy Birthday Bollywood: Tum Jeeyo Hazaaron Saal!

I don’t care how much I’m mocked and made fun of, I love Bollywood. It’s been there for me as a best friend should. It’s been a support, it’s inspired, it’s made me laugh, cry and many days even question my sanity and love for it; however, it has been there for me like a rock. And when people tell me they don’t get my love it, I simply shrug my shoulders and flick my hair like a Bollywood heroine. Because that is how it is done.

Look, Bollywood, for the most part, is not intelligent cinema. But it is definitely not stupid cinema. There is a reason it’s been around for a century now. As an industry, we have them all – filmmakers who are smart, cheesy, wacky, senseless, eccentric and some that are simply savvy enough to make films that hit home every time. Bollywood in actuality is like chicken soup – good for your soul. I know for it’s probably more hip and cool to know every single Scorsese film and the various popular dialogues that are associated with those films, but I know none. However, I can recite dialogues from a number of Raj Kapoor films which are as deep and profound and entertaining as Scorseses’. I can’t sing to you the title song of the new James Bond film but I can definitely sing to you a number of Mother India songs by heart and explain the depth behind each line of the song.

And if you think the west is sitting and laughing at us, you couldn’t be any more wrong. They know we have a winner on our hands what with all the money we generate and with the growing popularity. But they subtly take inspiration from us and now, they even invest in our films happily. Hindi cinema has evolved quite beautifully over time. It has changed in style and taste. It’s more modern and relatable which makes it that much more interesting. From the times where sex was depicted in the form of flowers dancing in a field to now where bold sex scenes aren’t practically normal. Whether it’s the story lines, the fashion, the lyrics in songs and even the execution of the films, it has all changed rapidly.

Looking to the future, you can be sure that Bollywood will only grow to become bolder and more beautiful. And its popularity will grow, this is for sure. So here’s to an industry that is 100 but doesn’t seem to age and we know, will only get younger with time. In the meantime, thank you Bollywood, for amazing dialogues, for music so vast that we are baffled during weddings, for actors that allow us to drool, for fashion that adds to our wardrobes and for controversies that make us laugh.

And on a more personal note, thank you for being with me over the last 30 years. You’ve been a solid friend!






*On a side note, it's been ages since I've blogged courtesy of moving house! But promise to be more regular from here on! Lots to vent about. Keep it locked here!

Movie of the Year: OMG Oh My God!

My faith in God is unshakable. I went through my ‘nastik’ phase where I too questioned his existence, his motives and pointed out nonstop issues I had with being a Hindu. And then one day, I stopped. I saw how God took over my life and fixed it. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t debate certain aspects of Hinduism. When I get iffy answers such as, “This is just how things are done,” I find myself rolling my eyes. Honestly, a 'I don't know' would suffice.

And this is exactly why OMG Oh My God! starring Akshay Kumar and Paresh Rawal, is my film of the year. We’re introduced to the atheist Kanji bhai (Paresh Rawal) who ironically sells Hindu God idols for a living. His entire living is based on falsely cooking up stories to sell his goods. One day, after he is cursed by a local priest after which his store, the only one that too, is destroyed by an earthquake. When his insurance claims they cannot cover any damages as his policy doesn’t cover “acts of God”, Kanji bhai decides he needs to sue God. Naturally, he is faced by extreme opposition until he finds a friend in one Krishna Vasudev Yadav (Akshay Kumar) who is actually Lord Krishna in human form. It is through Krishna, that he finds the solution to his problem and eventually wins his case.

I’m not going to get into the performances because Paresh Rawal is incredible as the overly atheistic Kanji bhai. He gets it spot on without being over the top or overacting too. Akshay Kumar only appears midway but never has Lord Krishna been so damn cool. But it’s the message that the film gives that makes you want to applaud the writer and director, Umesh Shukla. The film isn’t anti Hinduism nor is it asking you to turn around and become a devout Hindu too. Not at all. The film is actually asking you to question blind traditions that we often deem as ‘must do rituals’. Milk over a Shivling or milk to a poor child? Additionally, we’re reminded by Lord Krishna that a) the almighty loves devotion to him, not material goods, and b) that we’ve become far too God Fearing while we should be God Loving. And for a minute if you believe that God doesn’t love his unbelievers, you couldn’t be any more wrong.

It’s rather rare for cine-goers to find a film that not only entertains, manages to fit into the comedy mold and yet holds a sound message. At many points during the film, you find yourself questioning your own beliefs. I’m a Shiv bhakt so my Monday mornings includes worshiping my Shivling. I questioned how much milk all over the world was being poured over Shivlings every Monday. I use an entire quart. There are millions of Shiv followers around the world. Can you just imagine how much milk is being ‘wasted’? Perhaps we’d be more blessed if we donated that milk to hungry children instead.

But my favorite scene has to be the climax. Krishna, who has revealed himself to Kanji as the almighty, leaving behind his peacock key chain which Kanji picks up and naturally, decides to keep just as any of us would. It is then that the Lord speaks and tells him not to stop being an atheist and to get rid of the memento which he knows Kanji would make into a taveez and wear around his neck. Everything I ever believed in stood still right there. Here I am wearing black threads for protection from a special Hanuman temple in Mumbai which happens to hold a gold Om from my Mother, thinking this is how I’ll stay close to God when in actuality, God is with me irrespective. It doesn't mean I ripped off my black thread from my neck and threw it to the ground. No. As filmy as I am, that definitely did not happen. It was with love and faith that my parents made me wear my Om and black thread. That sentiment is too strong to disrespect.

No, it’s not that I’m an atheist now. Not at all. I still have full faith in the almighty. But I definitely think I am a lot more sensible in practicing religion now. I don’t think Lord Shiva will mind too much if I donate the milk and use water on Mondays.

Any film which causes you to think while it entertains has to be a winner. OMG Oh My God! shakes you and wakes you! A complete winner and my pick for 2012.

100 Word Review: Blood Money

Blood Money is basically India’s answer to Blood Diamond. A shoddy answer at that. Kunal Khemu plays a diamond expert who comes to South Africa with his wife (Amrita Puri) and finds himself in a rather sticky situation. Somewhere before the intermission, the film loses its path and you’re left scratching your head. Khemu looks like the kid who brings cylinders to your home on a cycle; Puri is lost. As a film, Blood Money has no substance nor does it have a pull factor. But the real question is: What is wrong with Soha Ali Khan? Kunal Khemu? Really?

Pura Review: Agent Vinod

A really hot Saif Ali Khan and an even hotter Kareena Kapoor has to equal scorching heat, no? Negative.Nyet. No. Nahin. Agent Vinod was one of the films that I was really looking forward to in 2012. "What’s not to like?" I thought. Action, romance, drama and an extremely fit Saifu, this could easily be the ‘Saif Ali Khan’ film we’ve all been waiting for. Yeah, right.

Agent Vinod (Saif Ali Khan) is your usual RAW agent who is on a mission as the film begins. He is quickly told to handle a rather dire situation after his partner (Ravi Kissen) is killed. The mission takes him all around the world before he finally figures out the complicated situation which may result in nuclear war. In between, he meets Iram (Kareena Kapoor), who assists him and naturally, the duo fall in love. He saves the day and all is well on planet earth. Oh, and there is a hint of a sequel. Yeap.

Agent Vinod is easily the worst 3 hours, yes 3 hours, I’ve spent in 2012. In fact, I demand my money back. But more than a waste of time, Agent Vinod is disappointing. As a Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor fan, it hurts to be given a film that does nothing for you. If Agent Vinod was sex, it would be the worst sex ever. It’s missionary, unorgasmic and definitely lacked any sense of heat. Boring. The first half of the film confuzzles you and just when you think you’ve got the gist of it, it bamboozles you into complete confusion. You’re apparently “treated” to spectacular visions of different sights around the world but if you ask me, they’re just showing off. It doesn’t add any value to the film! In fact, the script could have been adjusted and shot in India completely. The length of the film is one of the biggest drawbacks. There were umpteen moments when I believed the end was near. But nope. Anti climaxes again, and again. Director Sriram Raghavan disappoints and how with AV. It’s hard to believe that this is the same director who gave us the uber suave Johnny Gadaar gives us this. Oh, and another bone I have to pick is how badly and ineffectively the awesome music of the film was used.

The only real reason to watch Agent Vinod is for Saif Ali Khan. He’s slick, suave and super sexy. However, not even he can save the film from its lackluster, substance absent and overloaded on style, script. Kareena Kapoor is plain average. Her role is limited and lacks any sense of matter. The smaller roles played by the likes of Ram Kapoor (super!), Prem Chopra (awesome) and even Rajat Kapoor all manage to aid the film as well as they can.

Agent Vinod is a snooze fest. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to work in any department like it seemed to promise in the promos. Instead, you’re left with a headache and depending on where you are in the world, a few dollars short in your wallet. Maybe we just can’t get James Bondesque film right in Bollywood. And if that is the case, then spare us Bollywood. Give us some dancing around the tree instead but just do it right. Pliss.

100 Word Review: Kahaani

The premise of Kahaani: a pregnant wife in search of her husband. However, there is more than meets the eye as her motive eventually shocks authorities. Sujoy Ghosh pulls out a winner from his director’s cap with this thriller. You are immediately taken in by the story and Kolkata. Vidya Balan is top notch. She is proving to be an actress you cannot and should not mess with. The rest of the cast all support aptly. The story engrosses you with only one minor hichki vis-à-vis the hacking sequence which is slightly pretentious. That said, Kahaani tells a fabulous tale.

Is it Ta-Ta, Bye-Bye for Priyanka Chopra?

I think this piece needs a disclaimer before anything else. So here is.

The Disclaimer: I am NOT a Priyanka Chopra hater. Really. Not at all.

That said Piggy Chops is in a bit of a tight spot sadly. She finds herself devoid of actors who are willing to star with her courtesy of her rather iffy ways. Now if we get started, we’ll be here for ages. But in a nutshell, Akshay Kumar and Shah Rukh Khan cannot star with her anymore after both their wives have expressed their discomfort towards her “close proximity” towards the men. In turn, Hrithik Roshan has decided he too will keep afar from Chopra Madam after SRK’s wife, who happens to his Roshan’s wife’s best friend, made it clear she didn’t like PC. Salman Khan and Ajay Devgan have had issues with her for ages now while Abhishek Bachchan chooses to keep his distance from her after some award ceremony song choice hoopla. Saif Ali Khan stays away because of Bebo. Shahid Kapoor, her ex-beau, chooses to keep her far and wide for obvious reasons while Aamir Khan sees no reason to star with her. Lastly, there is Ranbir Kapoor who doesn’t want his pairing with her to go stale and so will not sign anymore films with her. Not for a while at least.

The above actors are considered Bollywood’s A-listers which means she’s left with a handful of unpopular actors to work with. Not exactly a good situation for PC, no?

But fikaar not, Priyanka, you’ve been voted number 69 on Ask Men UK’s Top 99 Women of 2012. P.C. fans rejoice quickly before I absolutely shred this piece of nonsense. Done? Ho gaya? So basically this piece is nothing but a farce because this list also has includes Sunny Leone and Frieda Pinto. Need I say more? But let’s get down into the nitty-gritty’s of it. AskMen UK claim she makes the list because of her talent. Done; that she is. But very quickly, I’d like to remind everyone that the last hit film Priyanka had was back in 2008. Post then, she’s had a string of flops: Kaminey, What’s Your Raashee?, Pyaar Impossible, Anjaana Anjaani, 7 Khoon Maaf and Don 2. Agneepath was all about Hrithik Roshan, Rishi Kapoor and Sanjay Dutt; let’s be honest here.

So Nosy!

And then, they go on to describe her quite aptly, “bee-stung lips, coffee-coloured eyes and voluptuous, hourglass figure…” But hold up, “bee-stung lips?” More like Botox filled courtesy of plastic surgeon Daddy Chopra. And how could they forget to mention her nose job which has completely changed her profile – trust me, I’ve paid very close attention. But all this is fine. It’s the next part which pisses the crap outta me. “Chopra will be exposing a new side of herself to Westerners when she releases an eagerly awaited English-language album later this year.” Uh, okay. I’ve heard her sing and trust me, she is quite average. And if you have to sing because your shampoo bottles claim you're fabulous, no problem, but cut a Hindi album at least! Why do you need to impress the westerners? How many Western artists want to “impress” the East and thus, cut a Hindi album?

Look, I’m not hating; think of this as a reality check for Priyanka Chopra. Basically, the actress needs to shed her “I’m too cool for school” attitude and she’ll be fine. In the meantime, PC has quite a task ahead of her which should begin with finding co-stars. Pronto.

Pura Review: Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu

Ever since Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu released, all I seem to be reading are replica reviews that call it a “coming of age” film. Basically, this is a new genre formed by the critics which our filmmakers are trying to take undue advantage of; better known as a fad. And the one filmmaker who is literally cashing out on this trend is none other than Karan Johar. So yes, he’s back in producer form with Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu which stars the very cool Kareena Kapoor and chocolate boy, (he’s yet to evade himself from that tag) Imran Khan. Naturally, it screams I Hate Luv Storys hangover simply because it possesses the same aura and vibe also known as cheese factor.

Welcome to Las Vegas where Rahul Kapoor (Imran Khan) lives a nine to five job courtesy of his commanding parents. On the flip side, there is the carefree and joshiley Riana Briganza (Kareena Kapoor) who lives in the moment. After a night of extreme drunkenness, they get married ala Vegas style. The duo find themselves in each others company while they file for an annulment and a deep friendship forms. Very quickly, Rahul falls in pyar, ishq, mohabbat for Riana who is not ready for any kind of relationship. However, he does manage to change his rather “stiff uptight” ways in the company of Riana.

EMAET is not a coming of age film and if you had to pick a coming of age film from Karan Johar’s lot, it would have to be Wake Up Sid which fits the coming of age genre bill to the T. However, EMAET is a coming of age for Hindi films vis-à-vis the ending of the film which, by the way, leaves big time room for a sequel. It’s not the same shindig. No running into each others arms or sudden realization of love, but a rather mature ending to what is easily any of the two: a chick flick or a cheese fest. Look, EMAET is hardly path breaking cinema but you cannot deny that is a nice easy breezy film which works best on a Sunday afternoon. The plot is simple and fun with some funky young dialogues. Shakun Batra does well with her film and clearly has a good understanding of modern day love and relationships.

The film belongs to Kareena Kapoor. As Riana Briganza, she is funky, fun and fabulous in every which way. Barring her horrid hair – which is rather ironic as she plays an unemployed hairstylist, she literally becomes Riana. That said, this film and role must have been child’s play for Bebo especially since she has done a lot deeper substance filled roles in the past. Riana is not Geet from Jab We Met. With due respect to the latter film, Geet was more rural; Riana is urban. Where do I begin with Imran Khan. I’m not a fan and so by the end, I was literally pakaoed by his enactment of Rahul Kapoor. I’m not sure whether it was the role or the hair, but Imran didn’t work at all for me. In fact, I was more excited to see Ram Kapoor, who plays a rich tharki, in the two scenes he bagged. I think Imran believed EMAET would be his Wake Up Sid moment. And in a way he is right; this is a wake up Imran and smell the roses moment! Boman Irani and Ratna Pathak Shah are as usual superb; she more than him.

And now, the flaws. First the music. This is not Amit Trivedi’s best with the title track taking the crown and Aahatein a close second.  Then there are a few minor details which Shakun should have really cross-checked. For starters, how can a wannabe ballet dancer, who has a steel ball in her foot, dance like a diva in Auntyji? And then of course, there’s the hair issue. For a hairstylist, they really should have given her some gosh darn awesome hair. If anyone needed Vidal Sassoon, it was Riana Briganza.

Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu has been compared to Hollywood rom-coms but in all honesty, why should we do that? We are totally capable of making great Hindi romantic comedies as we have in the past. The film is time pass, paisa vasool even, but strictly that. If you need reasons to watch the film, well then go in if you’re looking for a short cutesy film. And of course, for Bebo. She actually uses the word, “anal” in the film. C’mon now, do you need any more reason?

In Bollywood, Size Doesn't Matter!

Every year we’re bombarded with films that everyone watches courtesy of big budgets, huge star casts and of course, item numbers. But a lot of the time, the best films of the year are ones that are low on budget, small in stars but deep in substance. And these are the movies you more than often ignore. Bad idea. I could sit here and tell you which biggies to watch, but I pass. You’ll figure that out for yourself. So instead, I’ll do just the opposite. While most of 2012’s films have tentative release dates, check out these smaller films you may want to miss but probably shouldn't.

London, Paris, New York
What: Ali Zafar is back in 2012 in Anu Menon’s love story, London, Paris, New York. In hopes to bring back old school Bollywood romance, it follows the lives of two diverse people who fall in love in three cities over eight years.

Why:  Three awesome cities, romance and one very cute Ali Zafar…need I say more?


Bittoo Boss
What: Starring new kids Pulkit Samrat and Amita Pathak, Bittoo Boss is quite simply is about a man whose job is to record weddings.

Why: This could quite easily be the Band Baaja Baraat of the year. Add to that, this is the same production house that bought us the very cool bromance Pyaar Ka Punchnama last year. And and and, the film’s dialogues are apparently causing the censors nightmares!

Paan Singh Tomar
What: Irrfan Khan and Mahi Gill bring to the screen, the true life story of a runner turned rebel. In order to escape poverty, Tomar, joins the Indian National Games and living an honest life, he becomes a “baaghi” who causes mayhem in the Chambal Valley.

Why: True life stories always tend to be inspirational and this one is about a man we know far too little about.



Maximum
What: This underworld drama is about two cops who are at loggerheads courtesy of a dire situation that occurs in Mumbai. They find themselves looking for extreme power in Maximum City. Not only will the system be tested but so will their integrity.

Why: Check out the cast: Sonu Sood, Naseeruddin Shah, Neha Dhupia, Vinay Pathak, Arya Babbar. Expect powerhouse performances and an engaging plot.

Aiyaa
What: When a Marathi gal, played by Rani Mukherji meets South boy, Prithviraj, love happens. And of course, at the same time, a culture clash too.

Why: Believe it or not, this rom-com is actually written by Anurag Kashyap.



Of course, you should catch the biggies too. But if you do get an afternoon free this year, you must must must catch one of the above.  Enjoy!

If SRK Got Slapped...

Can you imagine if Shirish Kunder got the chance to tell Shah Rukh Khan, “Thappad se darr nahin lagta saab, pyar se lagta hai." The tables may have actually turned. Shirish may have actually joined the likes of Karan Johar and hopped on to SRK’s bum-chums bandwagon. But then, there would have been no slap, no controversy and no jokes. All of a sudden the now infamous slap seems a lot more exciting. What the exact truth is on the SRK-Shirish Kunder slap story, we’ll never know. But I’ll say this, as much as I’m a declared (and crowned) SRK hater, I think he may have done the right thing by whacking Kunder.  Anyone who sports hair like that deserves a tight slap. However, keeping with my reputation of hating on the thug ala SRK, here’s a different angle to the situation. Since SRK has become the official slapper of the industry, I can’t help but wonder which stars would love to give King Khan a smack…or two.

Gauri Khan
Every wife at some point in time wants to slap their husband. I’m sure Gauri is one of those wives. The poor woman is probably so damn confused!  Who wouldn’t be? She could barely get her head around figuring out whether her husband was batting for the “other” team and here she is now dealing with rumors of her husband supposedly getting down with Priyanka Chopra. Perhaps a slap will knock some sense into her hubby.

Salman Khan
I’m sure Sallu miyan’s hand is itching to smack SRK; even if it’s one zor ka jhaapad. The duo cannot even stand to be in the same area as one another after their dosti went sour a few years ago. However, post the Kunder incident, where apparently Farah’s husband was heard referring to Salman a few times during the heated argument with SRK, you can be sure he’s waiting to get his hands on SRK.

Shahid Kapoor
Apparently, it was SRK who created many a rifts between Shahid Kapoor and his belle Priyanka Chopra. The reason? Cause he most likely wanted Piggy Chopps for himself, duh! Think Shahid wouldn’t mind taking a quick blow at the Don? I think so.

Juhi Chawla
She is one of his oldest friends and in recent times, Juhi Chawla, who stood by SRK through his thick and thin days, has been sidelined by the actor. Word has it that she’s so pissed off by how he practically ignores him now and thus, has decided to publicly oust him. She for one is probably fuming at the King. A red hot mirchi-filled thaapad looks like it’s on its way.

Sourav Ganguly
Dada is hardly one to slap anyone. But he does own many a cricket bat ergo SRK should be worried cause a cricket bat beating is far more painful than a mere slap. The owner of the Kolkatta Knightriders has in the past diminished Sourav Ganguly’s presence and revoked his captaincy only to falter. And while Sourav has yet to come out and scream about the incident, Dada and all of Bengal wouldn’t mind slapping him.

Shirish Kunder
Yeah, the slapee probably wants to get back at the slapper, no? While Shirish has claimed that he will not be taking this abuse to the cops, he still maintains his airy ways and is digging all the attention he is receiving vis-à-vis the slap. In fact, he should be thanking SRK for the popularity; otherwise Shirish was known for making flop films and of course, as Mr. Farah Khan. But yes, revenge will be on the Joker’s mind.

Okay SRK fans, I bear my cross. Peace. <Runs>

Bollywood Hungama blog link: If SRK Got Slapped....

Pura Review: Agneepath

If you remember a few months ago, I complained and ranted about how much I detested remakes and sequels. It just makes zero sense to me. Are our filmmakers incompetent of making original films? In a country of over one billion, are we incapable of stirring up innovative plots? But what does anyone care about what I say. A lot of the time, what filmmakers deem a “remake” is actually an adaptation. And that is exactly what Karan Johar’s Agneepath is. So now because it is a variation of the original, it would be totally unfair to make comparisons be it the performances or script. In all honesty, I was completely skeptical of Agneepath in 2012. How on earth anyone could want to recreate an epic cult film? More importantly, why?

This is why.

The film is not as different yet slightly altered from the original. Vijay Chauhan (Hrithik Roshan) is just another regular boy from Mandwa whose father, the village master, lives by rules of karma and dharma. However, when he is framed and hung to death by the local ravaan Kancha (Sanjay Dutt), Vijay finds himself devoid of any of his father’s teachings as he promises to take revenge. His family moves to Mumbai where he is taken under the wing of one Rauf Lala (Rishi Kapoor). Over time, he grows to become a man who is eager to get revenge but not through Lala; solo. He schemes to take down his godfather’s family and reign as he moves to the top only to kill Kancha. In between, he seeks solace in the arms of his childhood friend, Kaali (Priyanka Chopra) who supports, marries and loves him to death.

Agneepath in 2012 is the 1990 version, only refined. It has every component of a nineties film—revenge, love, action. It puts you in a modern time capsule for three hours as it correctly attacks every emotion which makes the average Indian viewer tear via the mother-son discord and love story.

As a film, Agneepath is fabulously executed and filmed. You are pulled into a world which is filled with love and hate, retribution and justice, chaos and peace. Every scene of the film is shot beautifully, be it the chawls and slums of Mumbai or the island of Mandwa. Karan Malhotra’s vision and implementation of the film and stars too, is impeccable. His version of Agneepath is original and yet pays great respect to the Amitabh version. But what comes across very clearly is how he has cleverly adapted his film to the current rage of over-the-top melodrama films with the dialogues and action sequences. Look beyond the superficial surface, and Agneepath is filled with great nuances too. The reference to the Ramayana comes across instantly as Mandwa is painted a dark hell, Mumbai is bright, filled with life and love followed by the good over evil track. Malhotra knows this well and is definitely an aficionado the masala genre.

Agneepath belongs to Hrithik Roshan. We often connote great acting with dialogues and drama. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, Hrithik speaks perhaps all of three pages of the script. However, his acting comes through the flaring of his nostrils, his blood shot teared eyes, his intensity, his body language and yes, through his delivery of the character. Add to that how that he is still as hot as they get, and boom, he wins with Agneepath. There is no long hauled dialogue for him neither is his drunk scene one that will go down in history but you will walk out of the cinema calling Agneepath one of his best performances ever. There is also, no mimicking of Bachchan Senior. This is his interpretation of the character.

And then there is Rishi Kapoor who scores as Rauf Lala. He works the evil into the character so darn well. A phenomenal performance. Sanjay Dutt is flawless as Kancha. He’s ugly, dark, grey and dirty just as you would expect him to be. He takes the cake when it comes to dialogues in the film and works Kancha into a great villain. Om Puri is as usual awesome and deserves a mention because he is rarely appreciated. Priyanka Chopra is apt but hams slightly in her small role which in my opinion could have been played by any other small actress. However, marketing works well in Bollywood. By adding Chopra to the film, the star power of the film increases.

So where does the film falter? Tomato ketchup. The gore and blood flows from beginning to end which makes you wonder how much ketchup was used. While the film excels in the first half, it falls a tad bit in the second; at some points it seems hurried. The music is also a letdown. Yes, Chikni Chameli is fantabulous as well as the Ganesh number. The rest is average minus the background music which is haunting but loud. And then there is the length—it’s too freakin’ long. Too long. So much so that it’s slightly exhausting.

In the end, Agneepath is a good watch because of Roshan. He packs a punch and works it. In fact, you almost cannot imagine anyone else playing Chauhan in this version of the film. I have to hand it to KJo, whom I normally hate on, with this one, he's redeemed himself. But only slightly. Agneepath is the old stuff in new fancy glossy packaging. This, guys and dolls, is exactly how you do a remake.

Footnote: Here's the deal for 2012. Films that are wicked, will get a Pura Review while the useless ones will get a mere 100 Word Review. Fair, na? 

100 Word Review: Ladies v/s Ricky Bahl

Ladies v/s Ricky Bahl is about a con that fools a bunch of girls—they deserved to be fooled, and eventually the girls gang up to take revenge through a pawn. The con falls in love in the bargain, and decides to mend his ways. In one word, the film is appalling. And cheesy. The only real reason to watch the film is for Parineeti Chopra, who is fabulous and funny. Ranveer is OTT, Anushka is the usual and awfully skinny (anorexic status?). The screenplay is such a drag, it makes you question Maneesh Sharma’s talent, sadly. Pliss to avoid.

All Garam, No Sharam Awards: Bikini Babes in 2011!

There is one big maha problem with fashion directors, magazines and creative designers; they don’t know the difference between lingerie and bikinis. A lot of the time, they believe one can pass for the other without realizing that really, you can’t substitute one for the other. So while I thought that I would solely countdown the best in swimwear for “All Garam, No Sharam Awards”, we’re gonna have to do a slight jugal bandi here. And thus, this is the top five ladies in Lingerie/Swimwear for 2011. Now what criteria could I possibly have besides one deciding factor: they need to look hubba-hubba drool worthy. 

5. Kangna Ranaut
I’m convinced Kangna hit puberty this year; she “bloomed” and “blossomed” . In Rascals, we saw her sport a white bikini which really had tongues a-wagging. But the question really way, where did they come from? Of course, she has doesn’t understand the term “going under the knife” (denial?) but somehow she managed to walk the walk and really work that bikini.

4. Nargis Fakhri
She barely made her mark in Bollywood and she already is a bikini babe. Nargis Fakhri’s svelte figure and mulayaam badan makes her one of the most envious women in India as well as one of the most admired ladies by men. While she bared nothing in Rockstar, she definitely didn’t mind stripping down for a number of photo shoots to demonstrate her sexy side.

3. Anushka Sharma
Anushka has one helluva a bod. But how often do you see it? Close to never. Perhaps the bubbly actress realized she has to compete with sexiness overload ala the hot actresses who are exposing and thus, in her last film, Ladies v/s Ricky Bahl, she went all out. Looking incredibly hot in her bikini, she parades around in Goa. Yet again, Anushka scores.

2. Priyanka Chopra
I’m not sure what Piggy is wearing in her Maxim photo shoot. It looks like a cross between lingerie and a bikini but either way she looks steaming piping hot. Known for her dusky figure, this should hardly be surprising but she never fails to make you sweat. Oh, and that belly piercing just upped the hotness factor by 100.

1. Deepika Padukone
Hands-down she looks fabulous in everything; but Deepika Padukone in a bikini makes you go va-va-vroom. Those mesmerizing eyes, silky skin and beautiful hair literally makes D-Pad one of the sexiest to look at. Red hot Deepika knows this only too well. Her “I’m-too-hot” attitude makes her rock that bod that much more. And she thus carries the crown for the hottest in this countdown.

 

Don’t go anywhere people! There’s a lot more to come – legs, rack, booty of the year are yet to happen! In the meantime ogle over these ladies…enjoy!

100 Word Review: Rockstar

Rockstar is Ranbir all the way. He encompasses Jordan— a heartbroken, confused, rebellious singer who cannot understand the ways of the famous. It’s love which ultimately brings his downfall. While the first half of the film really stands tall, it’s the second half that makes you lose interest. That said, Ranbir Kapoor puts on a performance par excellence; he scores as Jordan. Nargis is very average and needs a lot of work—acting wise. Imtiaz Ali moves away from love but only slightly. This is not his best film though. Movie of the year? No. Watch only for rocking Ranbir.

100 Word Review: The Dirty Picture

The Dirty Picture is Silk Smitha’s life story. But it really is Vidya Balan all the way. She’s bold, she bears and my god is she booblicious. The actors all “support” her aptly but she fully encompasses Silk in soul and character. The film falters in the second half while it shocks you in the first. Luthria is a director who yet again demonstrates his understanding of the subject fully. The dialogues are filled with vulgar innuendos (loved it!) and Ooh-La-La takes the cake. If you can’t handle the heat, stay away from TDP; it’s not for the small-minded or faint-hearted.

Quote from an avid moviegoer who sums it up perfectly: "Vidya Balan might have just introduced the world to the concept of 'Aesthetic Vulgarity'. Buxom is back!" - A.G.

The Bollywood Spit Chain!

In Bollywood, the phrase, “What’s yours in mine,” applies in every which way. Sometimes its films; other times, its people. It’s as though our stars love to play Pass the Parcel with regards to the special ones in their lives of course. And so if actress A is seen in the bahon mein of actor B, very shortly after, she can be seen in the arms of actor C too. Growing up in school, we adopted a Spit Chain theory. Via this funda, we were able theoretically determine which of our mates had “swapped spit” unknowingly. When it comes to our Bollywood stars, they happen to be rock stars on screen and even in the chain. While in some instances, the chain can get complicated (read: knotted and how), it is interesting to see how many of our favorite celebs are spittingly connected to one another.

Kareena-Shahid-Bipasha
This one is hot off the press. While Kareena Kapoor’s most grandest performance has been her rendition of Geet in Jab We Met with Shahid Kapur, it was her relationship with her co-star which had tongues a-wagging. However it was very quickly after JWM that their relationship came it an end. The actors then moved on to other people. Bebo found solace in the arms of Saif Ali Khan while Shahid was seen out and about with a bunch of ladies. But more recently, he’s been spotted with love bites courtesy of his latest lady love, one Bipasha Basu. After her breakup with John Abraham, the fate of Bips’ love life was rather misconstrued. However, Shahid and Bipasha, have chosen to keep their newbie relationship on the
down-low…for now at least. And in more recent news, Bips has supposedly moved onto Rana Daggubati. Oh Bips, how quick she moves.

Nitty-Gritty’s: Bipasha and Saif have been said to been seeing each other at one point while Bips and Bebo haven’t seen eye-to-eye on too many occasions.

Karisma-Abhishek-Ash-Salman
Karisma Kapoor and Abhishek Bachchan were the golden couple in Bollywood after they announced their engagement. However, their engagement saw the same fate as their movies together: flop. While Karisma went on to move on from Abhishek to one Delhi industrialist, Bachchan junior found himself gravitating towards a newly singled Aishwarya Rai. She of course, had gotten out of a controversial relationship with Salman Khan and Vivek Oberoi. Very quickly, shading from the media’s glare, they indulged in quite a romantic relationship and soon, found themselves marrying with a baby on the way.

Nitty-Gritty’s: Salman Khan and Karisma Kapoor happen to be incredibly good friends and have starred in a number of hit films together.

Raveena-Shilpa-Akshay-Twinkle (with a pinch of Priyanka)
Back in the nineties, it was Raveena Tandon and Akshay Kumar who were happening in Tinseltown. Their raunchy dance numbers and many films together had people talking and how. Rumors even spoke of a hidden marriage between the two. However, all fell apart with Raveena choosing to marry an industrialist while Akshay moved on to the very svelte Shilpa Shetty. In a hush-hush relationship, they danced to a Chura Ke Dil Mera until overnight Akshay appeared on stage married to Twinkle Khanna. Shilpa became a thing of the past. But it was not all blissful sadly. Twinkle and Akshay appeared to be hunky dory until Priyanka Chopra entered the filmy scene…and Akshay’s life. A sizzling affair between the two began until he was caught red-handed by his wifey and thus, quickly decided to lead a life of ghulaami.

Nitty-Gritty’s: In between Raveena and Shilpa, Akshay was seen out and about with Pooja Batra too.

Ranbir: Sonam-Deepika-Katrina-Nargis and so on...
Now where to start with Ranbir Kapoor’s Spit Chain? His starts far beyond anyone can even remember! As far my Bollywood memory can take me back, he’s been seen smooching nearly every heroine of his. It all started with his first co-star Sonam Kapoor. Now the duo have gone on to say they never had a love relationship. “We grew up together!” they said in unison. And then Ranbir was in a full-fledged pyar with the long legged Deepika Padukone. They were seen everywhere together until she wanted more; shaadi that is. He said, “No!” and waved adios. Moving on swiftly, he found himself in the company of Katrina Kaif. Yet again a round of, “We’re just friends!” happened. We yawned until he grew bored of her and then he was seen chilling on the sets of an upcoming film with newbie costar, Nargis Fakhri.

Nitty-Gritty’s: Supposedly there have been a couple of gals in between. But who’s keeping count?

Emraan Hashmi: He in himself is an institution in the world of The Spit Chain. The actor has swapped saliva with so many actresses, it really is hard to keep track. Thus, the kissing/serial kisser takes the cake and cherry when it comes to The Spit Chain and so, courtesy of Emraan Hashmi, the entire industry has practically kissed on another.

Nitty-Gritty's: Mallika Sherawat claims Hashmi isn't such a fab kisser after all but who believes her....right?

The Classics in 200 Words: Mashaal

Mashaal is not only Javed Saab and Yash Chopra at their best but if at any point you needed reassurance as to how amazing Dilip Kumar is, well then you’ve found the right film. The film follows the life of a man who lives by the law and reforms a goon (Anil Kapoor) while he eventually finds himself becoming an outlaw. There is only one word that fully summarizes Mashaal: Epic. The film in totality is complete in so many ways. Whether it’s the execution, the performances and the dialogues, Mashaal is a treat for all Hindi film lovers. It’s Dilip saab who steals the show with his beautiful depiction of Vinod Kumar. But watching him go from white to black in characterization is phenomenal. Anil Kapoor proves that there is good reason as to why he is one of the best in the business. He is mind-blowing. Waheeda Rahman and Rati Agnihotri are fabulous in supporting roles. But it’s the script and dialogues that keep you engaged and in awe. Kudos to Javed Saab for his mastery and Chopra for doing complete justice as a filmmaker. Easily one of the best 80’s films to come out of Bollywood. Must-watch.

Not Just Another SRK Bashing Fest....

Screw the open letters; that is so last month. This is an outright SRK bashing. I’m really not a fan of King Khan and I have no qualms in saying it. In fact, the only reason I watch his films is because I am a sadist; I look for reasons to hate on Shah Rukh Khan. I can count the number of SRK films I liked—Swades, Chak De! India and fine, I’ll even grant him Veer Zaara. And I’m not talking about old school SRK; he died ages ago. We’ll never see the Raj in DDLJ ever again so don’t count on it. But why does he choose to be such a bloody gaada? Like seriously, why? The last time I was this pissed off at SRK was after I watched one disaster of a film better known as Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. I literally sat in complete shock when I saw SRK switch between being foolish as part the nerdy light dude and even more foolish as the dancing garagewallah

And now, after I watch Ra.One, over a week late, I feel a sense of déjà vu falling over me. But before I go off about the film, here's what the film's blurb reads when you look it up:


A father trying hard to 'fit-in' in his son's badass world. A son trying hard to 'dude-up' his dad from 'aiiiyyyo' to 'Yo!' And a mother lost in translation between her husband's 'ingeva' and her son's 'inn'it!' While Shekhar was trying every trick in the book to woo his son, get 'dude-ified' and 'up his coolness quotient' his son had given up on him. 

Can I barf now? All of a sudden, I am that angry girl all over again who cannot fathom what the frak Ra.One was about. But why am I so surprised? I knew he’d kill it with Ra.One. I knew it would be a piece of crap. I knew I’d be sitting and cursing myself out because as usual SRK would make something over the top that would as usual, not make sense.

See, I have no issues with experimental cinema. In fact, I applaud it. Variety is the spice of life and all that jazz, but for heaven’s sake, please make sense. Watching Ra.One proved to be the most daunting, boring, infuriating experiences of 2011. However, I’m going to pull an SRK on you and do something that is expected but not really. See, you expect me to hate on SRK and Ra.One. But since a certain ‘someone’ (you know who you are) insists that I should not be a SRK hater; here are all the reasons to watch Ra.One.

Bebo’s Chammak Challo chiffon sari. She herself is oomph personified but add a sexy red sari to Bebo, and you pretty much have a number one reason to watch Ra.One. Of course, the song too is pretty darn cool, kudos Akon, but really it’s Kareena Kapoor’s latkas and jhatkas that really make you feel like you’ve got your money’s worth. Can’t say the same about your time though.

The kid’s hair. I understand that young boys like the Bieber inspired do. Apparently, it’s in. And the reason you should watch Ra.One is because besides being slightly annoying, the kid in the film is basically India’s answer to Justin Bieber. Well, not sure if he can sing, but he is sporting the look for sure. I, however, couldn’t stop thinking about how badly I wanted to chop his long locks. Alternatively, he could use some gel to work some pretty cool styles. A Mohawk even.

Raj-Ni. When the real king comes on screen, then ain’t no body gonna look at any G.One aka SRK. Even though he was barely on for more than 2.5 seconds, Rajni ruled and rocked.

Dahi-Chowmein. I've never heard of that combination coming together. Very Chandni Chowk to China inspired if I may say so, but this is yet another reason to watch Ra.One. While initially fusing noodles and curd would sound rather unappetizing, I think SRK may actually be onto something here. Worth a try, no?

Arjun in 10. Thank your lucky stars cause all you get of Arjun Rampal is a mere ten minutes.But then again, that is ten solid minutes; painful minutes. And in the climax you are treated to ten Ra.One's, i.e. 10 Arjun Rampals. But fikaar not, it's better than a whole film with Rampal as the main hero. As for all those girls who couldn't stop gushing over how "hot" he looked, I'm sorry but I beg to differ. I'll take a bald Anupam Kher over a taklu Rampal anyday.

The Game Over sign. After the torture, the Game Over sign is an indication that the end is near. Praise the lord.

Tum Bin Effect. And the last reason to watch Ra.One is because you’ll appreciate Anubhav Sinha’s Tum Bin; if you didn’t already. It was a rona dona film, yes. But it’s a better film than Ra.One, I’ll tell you that.

Oh and while we're at it, just a quick piece of FYI. SRK or rather Anubhav Sinha, has no idea what a superhero is. Superman, Batman, Iron Man all had one factor in common: they were regular people. It's only when terror struck that they changed avatars and became their titled superhero. Ra.One was not a real person and thus, he is a Robot. He even displayed robotic tendencies! So how on earth then is this a superhero flick? No, tell me please.

As for SRK, you haven’t seen the end of him or his Ra.One series. From the looks of it, we will be hit with a second part which he will promote bigger and better than his first part; which we’ll watch and yes, I’ll find reasons to watch that one too.

Stars:
Not.Even.One

100 Word Review: Love Breakup Zindagi

Love Breakups Zindagi is a film about, well, love, breaking up and life. Meet Naina and Jai, both tied to the wrong people. When they meet at a wedding, a spark flies and they are drawn to each other. Over time, they realize they have a bond but it takes time for them to realize this fact. LBZ is cheesy but a mature love story. Thankfully, no villain here. The story is simple and treated well but there is not real magnetizing effect to the film. The actors individually do well. A good Sunday watch, LBZ will make you smile.

100 Word Review: Force

Force is basically John Abraham’s return to action films which I think is how he marketed himself initially. It follows the life of a non-committal police inspector who runs after drug peddlers but stays far away from love. However, when he finds the love of his life, he is forced to intermingle his love and work which causes major conflict. I must say that I was thoroughly impressed with John Abraham. He really can act. Who woulda known? Genelia D’Souza is her usual bubbly self. As a film, Force is interesting and gravitating, which was unexpected. Watch for the thrills.

When Size Doesn't Matter

You know a woman knows what she’s talking about when she can sit with full-on tashan and agree that size doesn’t matter. More recently I’ve realized this line works for most things in life with one exception: diamonds. But all this small talk brings me back to sizes. Bollywood likes it big. Huge even. Big stars, big sets, big budgets, big shosha. And yet, in more recent times, the biggest films have failed to bring in big bucks or good reviews, for that matter. In fact, it’s the smaller films which are somehow resonating with audiences and critics. And they even manage to bring in some pretty decent bucks at the box office yet again proving that size does not matter when it comes to making a good film. Some of my most favorite films thus far in 2011 have been small films. Naturally, none of them are blockbusters and only a few received critical acclaim but so what? Koi nahin.

Of course, when I tell people that I absolutely adored the simplicity behind Turning 30, they tell me that I must be insane. But really the film really bought some iffy subjects that comes to the mind of every single approaching 30-year-old girl. And if you happen to be Desi, then this film is pretty interesting.

Hostel was a film which only a handful of people even heard of, let alone watch. And this is hardly something we should be proud of. A complete social film, it follows the lives of young college-going hostel-staying students who become prey to severe ragging— a major problem which is swiftly swept under the carpet for the most part.

Anurag Kashyap is working the small films arena and how this year. After playing a fascinating and pivotal role in the very awesome Shagird, he produced the dark and dirty (but fabulous) Shaitaan before we got the über twisted That Girl in the Yellow Boots. Ask me to pick my favorite – not happening. I love em’ all!

The bromance of the year for me will definitely be Pyar Ka Punchama! The film, the cast, the music and the plot all worked together to create a young vivacious film which talks about the beautiful art of dating. Not. It in fact, looks at relationships from the perspective of three varied men who fall in love with the wrong women.

And then there are more social films. Khap talks about small societies with rigid rules while Bol looks at the importance of the boy child in modern day Pakistan. On the other hand, there is Bhindi Bazaar Inc.; a crude look at the lives of small time gangs and their desperation for power.

But this year's ace film has to be Stanley Ka Dabba. And what does the film talk about? An orphan who has a hard time with a teacher who steals the tiffins of young students. Bas. But the passion behind this film is one that is so rare that you are kept glued to film hoping, praying, wishing Stanley finally gets a tiffin good enough for his greedy teacher <insert cooing, awing and heart melting sounds here>. 

So why should you watch these small time films? Well quite simply because these films are much better than the crass we are being presented with on a weekly basis. For the most part, they house big names but deliver close to nothing. Instead, you’re better off watching films which have heart, soul and a plot which is engaging, different. Yes, they don’t have item numbers or a popular star but a good film, a small film, need not load up on big names. Size is overrated. It’s how you work it, which matters. And that goes for anything, mind you.