Happy Birthday Bollywood: Tum Jeeyo Hazaaron Saal!

I don’t care how much I’m mocked and made fun of, I love Bollywood. It’s been there for me as a best friend should. It’s been a support, it’s inspired, it’s made me laugh, cry and many days even question my sanity and love for it; however, it has been there for me like a rock. And when people tell me they don’t get my love it, I simply shrug my shoulders and flick my hair like a Bollywood heroine. Because that is how it is done.

Look, Bollywood, for the most part, is not intelligent cinema. But it is definitely not stupid cinema. There is a reason it’s been around for a century now. As an industry, we have them all – filmmakers who are smart, cheesy, wacky, senseless, eccentric and some that are simply savvy enough to make films that hit home every time. Bollywood in actuality is like chicken soup – good for your soul. I know for it’s probably more hip and cool to know every single Scorsese film and the various popular dialogues that are associated with those films, but I know none. However, I can recite dialogues from a number of Raj Kapoor films which are as deep and profound and entertaining as Scorseses’. I can’t sing to you the title song of the new James Bond film but I can definitely sing to you a number of Mother India songs by heart and explain the depth behind each line of the song.

And if you think the west is sitting and laughing at us, you couldn’t be any more wrong. They know we have a winner on our hands what with all the money we generate and with the growing popularity. But they subtly take inspiration from us and now, they even invest in our films happily. Hindi cinema has evolved quite beautifully over time. It has changed in style and taste. It’s more modern and relatable which makes it that much more interesting. From the times where sex was depicted in the form of flowers dancing in a field to now where bold sex scenes aren’t practically normal. Whether it’s the story lines, the fashion, the lyrics in songs and even the execution of the films, it has all changed rapidly.

Looking to the future, you can be sure that Bollywood will only grow to become bolder and more beautiful. And its popularity will grow, this is for sure. So here’s to an industry that is 100 but doesn’t seem to age and we know, will only get younger with time. In the meantime, thank you Bollywood, for amazing dialogues, for music so vast that we are baffled during weddings, for actors that allow us to drool, for fashion that adds to our wardrobes and for controversies that make us laugh.

And on a more personal note, thank you for being with me over the last 30 years. You’ve been a solid friend!






*On a side note, it's been ages since I've blogged courtesy of moving house! But promise to be more regular from here on! Lots to vent about. Keep it locked here!

High Off Hong Kong!

Welcome to Hong Kong— where time is a commodity and 24 hours fall far too short especially if you need to fit in work, sleep and play. Sometimes, you find yourself wishing for just one more hour. In fact, if you live in Hong Kong, you should by default be allocated 36 hours. It should be the law. That said, the mere fact that we find 24 hours short puts you in this amazing feel of euphoria. The speed, madness and frantic rush gives you the ultimate adrenaline high. It’s such a fabulous high, that you can’t imagine yourself without it once you’re addicted. Yes, it is a drug to certain degree.

It’s been seven months since I’ve been back and I don’t think I’ve had a dull moment. From getting lost almost 100 times – yes I get lost in Hong Kong, to crazy nights out, rekindling with my old friends whom I now realize, I missed so much to making such amazing new friends, celebrating my 30th and today, I’ll be getting my Sindhi on as I attend a Chetti Chand mela. It’s really no wonder I haven’t had a minute to blog in the last one month. But honestly, this is how life should be; crazy, fun, busy and filled with great memories.

So I celebrated my 30th birthday last weekend. Yes, 30 years of living on this planet. Where did time go? I remember all my milestone birthdays—18, 21, 25. All very big bashes. My birthday, for some odd reason, has always been a big deal in my family. Dad says, first child; Mom says the same; my sister and brother are not so big on theirs so they vicariously celebrate through me, I guess. And I of course, love it! My 30th was incredible fun! But that’s Hong Kong for you. A place where everyone gets together and celebrates for every reason…sometimes no reason too!

I’ve never been one to live a somber quiet life; this is a new realization, of course. I did it for close to a decade. My poor adrenaline; it accumulated and has now burst after many years of dormancy. And while I’ll complain that I’m so busy and incredibly overwhelmed, I love it. I love every minute of being here. I’m home. Now, I know, I am. And I have no intentions of leaving any time soon.

Here’s to me, my adrenaline rush and 30 more years of fobulousness!

Republic Day in India: Just Another Holiday?

Yet another Republic Day dawns on India and the country will celebrate. Not because they happen to be the biggest democracy in the world but simply because they have a day off from work and school. The symbolism behind 26th January is simply to mark the arrival and acceptance of the Indian Constitution. But over the last few months, has the country really earned any real reasons to be proud of itself?

Throughout 2012, India has behaved like one of the most undemocratic countries in the world. And in all honesty, it hardly surprises me that the country is excited for Republic Day for a rather lazy reason. If we quickly review the year that was, you’ll realize that India is clearly falling in a backward spiral that bares an uncanny resemblance to a neighboring country.

India is a country that quickly forgot about three ministers who were caught watching ‘objective videos’ (read: porn) during an assembly session. While we laughed and outraged for a day, we let the government sweep such an issue under the carpet. We then allowed a state funeral for a dictator, Bal Thackeray. The city of Mumbai was shut down and immobilized for a day as people were forced to pay respects to a man who has ruled over a city via a non-functioning government for years. And then, when a young girl from democratic, free-speech allowed India decided to question the need for such an extravagant funeral and for the shut down of Mumbai, her Facebook post landed her in jail. If that wasn’t Taliban-like enough, the whole world watched (and is currently watching) how we as a country reacted to the brutal gang rape of young girl on a bus in Delhi. Onlookers were too afraid to get involved because of sheer fear of the local corrupt police. We saw government and religious leaders make obscure conservative comments, take no responsibility and attempted to play down the issue. And when the otherwise passé people of India stood up against such an atrocity, they were beaten by the police as they protested in and around Delhi.

The problem is that we are more concerned with stupid issues that do not really matter. We’re more worried about why Oprah Winfrey made India appear outdated in her documentary. Well, the fact of matter is if you behave in such a fashion, then what else do you expect? Instead of worrying about her eating her chapatti with two hands, we should really be worrying about how we ought to teach the men in India to keep both hands to themselves. In a secular country with such a huge democracy, India now needs to worry about the future of its state more than ever. The country is moving at a rapid pace in the wrong direction. If you will behave and govern the country in a Talebanesque fashion, what example are you setting for future generations and to the rest of the world?

It is during such times that one looks to the government for strict firm action and swift change in education, social reform and attitude. They call on generation X to take charge and run the country. But do they realize that they hold on to them by a tight leash? They tell them to speak their mind but teach them lessons of inequality and gender differences. And when something horrendous happens, they point fingers at the influx of western cultural influences, films and other idiotic reasons. Our educated ministers are nothing but mute goats while the uneducated run the country in a most undemocratic old fashioned manner – the only way they know best.

The West looks at India and laughs now. Filled with corruption, rapes, poverty and nonstop drama, this is the country that is regarded as a ‘future superpower?’ Democratic countries allow their people to grow; they teach them how to be better citizens.

Today, I’m sure I can speak collectively when I say that as Indians, we are incredibly proud of our heritage and our country. It’s our ministers we’ve been put down by repeatedly.

So on this day, what should the people of India hope for? Well, for starters India needs to wake up from the 1936 bubble they are currently engulfed in. Then, they need to stop it with the ‘chalta hai’ attitude. Change can only come when they group together and demand it. That is how a democracy works. Social reform is one that future generations will need to take on themselves. And above everything, they better hope all their Gods come together and protect from falling in a downward pit and pray for a brighter modern tomorrow.

Personally, I’m a diehard Indian. Amidst the failures of the country, I still see beauty and hope. And as usual, in true filmy fashion, here’s one that always resonates with me, “Koi bhi desh perfect nahi hota use perfect banana padta hai.”

Vande Mataram! 

'The Obnoxious Case of the Incredible Indian Men'

I’m convinced that many Indian men in power, i.e. political and religious leaders, do not have a connection between their brain and mouth. They lack sensitivity and are clearly living in an 1823 bubble which is the only explainable reason for their ignorance and their backward mentality. How else would you explain the nonsense they have been uttering over the past few weeks regarding Delhi rape case which has left India and the international community shocked?

It all began with the President’s son who decided to call the women protesting ‘highly dented and painted’. For starters, that hardly makes sense. I’m assuming this figure of speech is normally used for vehicles. I think. But what exactly is a ‘dented’ and ‘painted’ woman? If I try to make sense of his statement, I’m gonna go with the fact that’s he is a male chauvinist who cannot fathom the fact that modern Indian women are no longer ready to stay repressed and thus, are coming out by the hundreds to stand up for their gender. He is yet one of those outdated men who believe that Indian women should shut up and stay at home. Too bad his sister couldn’t be one of those women; she happens to be a dancer.

Next up was Mr. Mohan Bhagwat, an RSS leader, who decided that in his demented jaded head that rapes only happen in India and not in Bharat. Are you confused yet? Don’t worry, I’m as muddled. What I think he was getting at is that ‘India’ refers to the more urban areas while ‘Bharat’ is the rural parts. This basically infers that rapes only happen in cities and not in villages or less developed areas. Errr, really? Here’s some trivia, just for Mr. Bhagwat. Seventy-five percent of rape cases have been reported from rural India.

Then there is the great Asaram Bapu—I had no clue who on earth he was until he stated that the victim was as guilty as the rapists. His theory was that the victim should have begged and not fought back. If she would have called them her ‘brothers’, they would have not raped her. Yes, when this poor was getting raped and stripped of her dignity, she should have done just this. Mind you this is coming from a man who also claims women should be restricted to home chores and is against the westernization of Indian society. The bigger question here is would he tell the ladies in his own family to fall at the feet of rapists and call them their brothers too?

And this is just two of many absurd theories, comments and statements that have come from a number of well-known leaders across many arenas in Indian political and religious groups. 

What is most irritating about the fact that these religious leaders and politicians are politicizing the issue with their backward statements, is that a bulk of India actually supports these people and thoughts. They do not feel the need for these men to apologize for their insensitivity. This theoretically means that this rigid mindset has already been set set in stone and so such beliefs will fall to their children and so on. Ultimately, this starts a domino effect that cannot be eradicated at all. Such outrageous and demeaning comments only further these old-fashioned and incorrect beliefs which do nothing but encourage more men to ill-treat women. Instead of preaching to the men to realize that women are their equals and cannot be looked down upon, they choose to further promote atrocities against women in India.

All of a sudden, the road to liberating women in India seems long and rocky filled with potholes in the form of men like the above, who simply cannot see past the old school depiction of Indian women. One can only hope the likes of Mata Lakshmi, Durga Maa and all the female goddesses up there, give strength to the women of India as they take on this battle to secure themselves and the future of Indian women.

Oh and before I end, there is also one more idiot—a minister from Chhatigarh, who claims that there is no ‘clear answer’ for the crimes against women and thus, it is because ‘the stars are not in position’. Right.

Dear Indian Government: SAVE OUR GIRLS!

A rape in India means a couple of things; candlelight vigils, panel discussions and of course, lots of outrage in the form of protests by human right activists. But what use is all of this? In the past, what has any candlelight vigil done besides waste precious candles that could be given to the poor for heat and light? And why do these panelists waste our time screaming and shouting about how the government needs to pucker up when they leave the discussion only to forget the incident? And more importantly, how many more times will these human right activists take to the streets to be unheard?

Post the gang rape of this 23-year-old girl on a moving bus by a men who were ‘looking for a good time’, people have come to realize that this is apparently ‘now’ unacceptable. Really? Only now? When has it ever been acceptable to rape a young girl? This is not an unknown problem in India and especially not a mysterious issue in Delhi. It is in fact, perhaps, one of the most normal pieces of news to read on a regular basis. But the government of India continues to let go of rapists in the country like they would a petty thief. Promises of harsh punishments are hardly upheld and a lot of the time these rapists are put in jail, the issue sidestepped and the Indian public are subjected to yet another case of red herring.

Many middle class young girls in Delhi, who do not have the privilege of a car and/or driver, will tell you stories of how sexual harassment is practically an ‘everyday experience’. Groping, eve teasing and being followed are normal practices in Delhi. And these cases are simply not reported any more simply because these girls know nothing will happen of it. Instead, they will more likely fall victim to even more severe molestation which may include rape. Ultimately, what the Indian government has done is given immense power to these wretched disgusting men as they encourage violence.

In the past, the uneducated folks of the Indian government have come out to defend the rapists claiming that girls should not dress ‘provocatively’, live a 2012 lifestyle which consists of socializing, drinking and living a life of their choice. The idea is simple; men are allowed to go out, have a gala time, drink and be merry but you, as an Indian woman are not because if you do, you are asking to be raped. You see, because you are an Indian woman. You must live like they did in 1924, not like they do now in the New World. So this means that if you are in traditional wear, i.e. salwar kameez and/or sari, you will not be raped, yes? Additionally, an expose by Tehelka states that police officers also claim that if you are indulging in sex with ONE man, you are allowed to be raped by him and his friends. Women should not keep the company of men because that is also a trigger for rape and oh, if you’re mother is divorced, then it’s your mother’s fault. Why is she divorced? Cause she is a slut. So, by default, you are a slut and all sluts must be raped. And lastly, you should be raped because you report the rape. A good Indian girl would never complain of being raped. So if you did, you either deserved it OR you weren’t really raped. Taking all of the above into account, therefore, Indian women on some level everywhere deserve to be raped. There you go.

Here’s some perspective. Currently there are 890 pending rape cases in India and the most likely punishment for the rapists ‘will not be less than 7 years but it may be for life or for a term which may extend to 10 years. The person shall also be liable to fine.’ This is all they will get. Till date, no rapist has served a life imprisonment for a rape crime since this is reserved for cases of murder and ‘waging war against the country’.

Apparently, India is the most democratic country in the world. Apparently, India also worships its goddesses because they hold the most power amongst all its deities. And apparently, this case will be fast-tracked. But this all is just small talk for a country which still allows khaps to exist, where a dictator is given a state funeral and where a terrorist is given first class treatment after it comes into a city and causes mayhem for three days.

Till now, the government who needs to stand up and take responsibility has yet to come out and offer its condolences to the family of the victim. They choose to shamelessly sit on the sidelines and act as though this is yet another minor crime. It is not. There is no protection for the girls of India and thus, time has now come for the women of India to come learn to protect themselves. They have no choice. They cannot depend on men – irrespective of the relationship to them, to save them from harm. Indian women are not only raped by strangers but in many cases, by men in their family too. This is shameful on so many levels. Men supposedly worship the women in our families; call them Lakshmi, Durga, Mata, vow to protect their sisters while the women fast and pray for their long life. All for what? So that they may be raped one day. 

What will happen to this poor girl, no one knows. But the time to take a stand is now. Asking the men of India to grow some balls and protest against this heinous crime may be too much. Thus, the women have to come together now to demand protection from the government.

To end, I’ll say this. A young Indian girl was heard saying to an Indian news channel, ‘I’d rather be shot by a deranged man in America than be raped on a moving bus in Delhi.’

Yash Chopra: Now That The Love is Gone....

I’m sitting here thinking about what Yash Chopra has taught me and it’s really quite simple: love, pyar, ishq, mohabbat. I remember watching Dil Toh Pagal Hai a few months ago and thinking, he’s really not fair, Yashji. He creates unrealistic scenarios of love. And we Indian girls, who are suckers for gush, believe that this is the only way love is done. I’ve in fact, I found myself blaming Yashji for my singlehood— where would I find a man who would love me like they do in a Yash Chopra film? THAT is the kind of love I wanted and still want in a more rational manner now, of course.

In a way, his passing means that love onscreen has come to a complete halt. No one understood and expressed passionate, unconditional, sacrificial, all consuming love like he did. As news of his passing came, immediately a sense of grief was felt. Irrespective of which Yash Chopra film you’ve seen—all or even one, you always walked away knowing you saw a masterpiece.

Through Yash Chopra’s films, we were able to dream. As women, we believed a man would come, he would fight, believe, love and sweep you off your feet. But it wasn’t just love between a man and a woman that he fully understood. Yashji understood all forms of love—bonds between a son and mother, brothers and especially, friends.

My memory of my first Yash Chopra film dates back to 1989. Chandni. Between my sister and I, the dialogues were learned, the dances were mimicked and Sridevi was imitated over 100 times. But we were too young to even understand who the genius behind the camera was. All we knew was that we loved this film. A few years later, we fell in love with Darr and eventually, it was through Dil Toh Pagal Hai that finally, we understood that we were experiencing magic.

Believe it or not, I’ve still to fully familiarize myself with his older iconic films. Silsila and Kabhi Kabhie happened to be in my early twenties while it was only a few months ago that I caught myself watching the absolutely fantastic Mashaal and Waqt.

It is today that I must give thanks. For every time I want to run through a field of flowers. For chiffon saris. For sangeet songs. For snow-capped mountains. For music that lasts a lifetime. And for love that every girl craves for, we thank you Yash Chopra. One day I'll run through a meadow of tulips with my chiffon dupatta flying high and I know you'll be looking down smiling. You will be missed.

Movie of the Year: OMG Oh My God!

My faith in God is unshakable. I went through my ‘nastik’ phase where I too questioned his existence, his motives and pointed out nonstop issues I had with being a Hindu. And then one day, I stopped. I saw how God took over my life and fixed it. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t debate certain aspects of Hinduism. When I get iffy answers such as, “This is just how things are done,” I find myself rolling my eyes. Honestly, a 'I don't know' would suffice.

And this is exactly why OMG Oh My God! starring Akshay Kumar and Paresh Rawal, is my film of the year. We’re introduced to the atheist Kanji bhai (Paresh Rawal) who ironically sells Hindu God idols for a living. His entire living is based on falsely cooking up stories to sell his goods. One day, after he is cursed by a local priest after which his store, the only one that too, is destroyed by an earthquake. When his insurance claims they cannot cover any damages as his policy doesn’t cover “acts of God”, Kanji bhai decides he needs to sue God. Naturally, he is faced by extreme opposition until he finds a friend in one Krishna Vasudev Yadav (Akshay Kumar) who is actually Lord Krishna in human form. It is through Krishna, that he finds the solution to his problem and eventually wins his case.

I’m not going to get into the performances because Paresh Rawal is incredible as the overly atheistic Kanji bhai. He gets it spot on without being over the top or overacting too. Akshay Kumar only appears midway but never has Lord Krishna been so damn cool. But it’s the message that the film gives that makes you want to applaud the writer and director, Umesh Shukla. The film isn’t anti Hinduism nor is it asking you to turn around and become a devout Hindu too. Not at all. The film is actually asking you to question blind traditions that we often deem as ‘must do rituals’. Milk over a Shivling or milk to a poor child? Additionally, we’re reminded by Lord Krishna that a) the almighty loves devotion to him, not material goods, and b) that we’ve become far too God Fearing while we should be God Loving. And for a minute if you believe that God doesn’t love his unbelievers, you couldn’t be any more wrong.

It’s rather rare for cine-goers to find a film that not only entertains, manages to fit into the comedy mold and yet holds a sound message. At many points during the film, you find yourself questioning your own beliefs. I’m a Shiv bhakt so my Monday mornings includes worshiping my Shivling. I questioned how much milk all over the world was being poured over Shivlings every Monday. I use an entire quart. There are millions of Shiv followers around the world. Can you just imagine how much milk is being ‘wasted’? Perhaps we’d be more blessed if we donated that milk to hungry children instead.

But my favorite scene has to be the climax. Krishna, who has revealed himself to Kanji as the almighty, leaving behind his peacock key chain which Kanji picks up and naturally, decides to keep just as any of us would. It is then that the Lord speaks and tells him not to stop being an atheist and to get rid of the memento which he knows Kanji would make into a taveez and wear around his neck. Everything I ever believed in stood still right there. Here I am wearing black threads for protection from a special Hanuman temple in Mumbai which happens to hold a gold Om from my Mother, thinking this is how I’ll stay close to God when in actuality, God is with me irrespective. It doesn't mean I ripped off my black thread from my neck and threw it to the ground. No. As filmy as I am, that definitely did not happen. It was with love and faith that my parents made me wear my Om and black thread. That sentiment is too strong to disrespect.

No, it’s not that I’m an atheist now. Not at all. I still have full faith in the almighty. But I definitely think I am a lot more sensible in practicing religion now. I don’t think Lord Shiva will mind too much if I donate the milk and use water on Mondays.

Any film which causes you to think while it entertains has to be a winner. OMG Oh My God! shakes you and wakes you! A complete winner and my pick for 2012.

Problem, Problem, Problem!

To say that I have a problem with everything is like saying that I love Bollywood; DUH! I really do have an issue with everything in the world. But more recently, it’s my favorite topic, Bollywood that has been really giving me a hard time. A lot of issues that are currently giving me sleepless nights are all courtesy of our filmmakers and on occasion, the stars of the films too. You see, they seem to be irking me with the amount of nonsense they seem to be throwing my way. And since Hong Kong has happened, I've been spending a lot of my free time in front of the telly tuned into MTV. Hence, the issues.

Heroine

Problem #2: I want this dress.

My problem with Heroine is that you need to take an antidepressant after! How on earth anyone can sit through such Negative Nancy film is beyond me. I woke up the next day feeling really blue. Madhur Bandarkar isn’t one who makes ‘feel good’ films but was it necessary to make a film that makes you want to jump off the nearest bridge? And while Bebo rocked as Mahi, at no point in time did I feel an ounce of pity for her character. How on earth Bebo got through the film without falling into a deep case of misery, is beyond me.

Jab Tak Hain Jaan
Oh, dear lord, where to begin with this? I have a big huge problem with Challa, for starters. SRK has single-handedly ruined a beautiful song by dancing around like a spaz. And what is up with Yash Uncle believing that SRK in a beard. Ray Bans and a uniform connotes for a hit film? What kind of 1993 formula is that? But all this aside, its SRK repeatedly chiming the “Jab Tak Hain Jaan” line in the promos that really make me want to pull my hair out! That wannabe orgasmic voice of his is the biggest put off and repetition doesn’t make it any sexier.

Student of the Year
Sigh. Karan, Karan, Karan. What are we going to do with you? I think you should start paying for my sleep aid. Whether it’s your rather odd cast, the cheesiness that is oozing from the promos or the randomness that is Ishq Wala Love, it all makes me want to…puke! I’m not sure what the point of your film is. But then I’m not sure what the point of most your films are anyway, so why should this be any different I suppose.

K.L.P.D.
My problem is simple. Mallaika Sherawat and Vivek Oberoi. Together. In a film. And it’s called KLPD.

Aiyyaa
Umm, I love the soundtrack of the film because it’s catchy and funky. But my issue is with Rani and her new found love for her jiggling belly. It’s really not a fun sight so I think she should kinda sorta hide it. And as excited as I am for the film, I prefer a non-jiggling Rani, i.e. a fully clad

Some wise man has said, "Every problem has a solution." Can some other wise man please tell me what the solution is exactly?

Oprah Winfrey: An Idiot Abroad!

Hands Off!

Dear Oprah Didi,

Before I start to tell you how stupid you are, I just want to ask you one quick question: Tere kya dimaag karaab ho gaya hai? Are you nuts? In a way I can understand. You’re from America, na? You lot are so ignorant. You eat sandwiches with a fork and knife. Poor us, we’re still living in the 17th century, you see. We still eat with our hands. No, no, it has nothing to do with traditions <insert sarcasm here>.

Let me educate you, cause it seems like you need it, Didi. You see we eat with our hands because we are not ashamed to sit and enjoy our food. As children, we are taught of the simplicities of life. Eating with our hands is one way in which we are able to fully engage in using all our senses while we indulge in our daily meals. So yes, Oprah Didi, we STILL use our hands to eat and you know what? We’ll probably do it forever. I’m more curious to know how you eat your fried chicken, pizzas and burgers. It’s rather sad that you associate how we eat with our progression as a country. Shame, Didi, shame.

I refuse to sit here and talk about how stupidly you depicted yourself and the western world via your show. We’re already used to the stereotypes that the west associates with India – we have cows everywhere, we’re poor, all of India is a slum, blah blah. But if you, a person who claims to be open-minded, unbiased, well-educated philanthropist, can make such immature comments, then really, I have no hope for the rest of the western world. By making such an ignorant and tacky statement, you’ve insulted India as a nation and as a culture too.

Your insensitive remarks on how a home in a slum begins before it ends made me yawn. Really? You think we’d be offended by that? Spare us. We know you westerners think India made up of nonstop slums and poverty. But let me tell you this. The family you visited in a tiny hole they call their home, is probably 20 times happier than you’ll ever be in your multimillion dollar mansion. In India, we don’t denote happiness and love with the size of our homes; we correlate our joys with our family unit.

But what really surprises me is that you, an African-American, who knows what exactly what it feels like to be a victim of racial profiling and stereotypes, has actually made such disgusting statements. Maybe we expected you to be more sensitive of our culture but you failed and how. So from now on, whenever African-Americans are projected in the wrong light, i.e. they’re all drug addicts, etc, I too am going to shrug my shoulders and pull an Oprah Winfrey: “Aren’t all African-Americans drug addicts…STILL?”

Just some FYI: we STILL eat with our hands, we STILL engage in arranged marriages, we STILL live in joint families and among many other things, cows STILL roam our streets. But you know what? We like it that way. In fact, we love it that way.

Also, by mingling with Bollywood stars and wearing designer saris, you don’t get even a slight inkling of experiencing the real India. Uhh and also, Ash and Abhi probably also STILL eat with their hands.

Peace out,
A-Desi-Girl-Who-STILL-Eats-With-Her-Hands

Because No One is Gay in Bollywood

When Anderson Cooper (you already knew he was gay, right?) comes out and tells the world he bats for the other team, the west applauds him. They all cannot get enough of how ‘bold’ and ‘honest’ he is. And I’m, errr, not sure why especially since, oh, we already knew! The west has always been more open and accepting about homosexuality, so why the hoopla when AC comes out to tell America something they already knew? It was a pretty well-known fact that Cooper was gay and if you didn’t know that, well then, you’ve been living under a rock. I think I was more depressed when Ricky Martin confessed he preferred men over women.

But the real question is, when will our own celebrities – the gay ones, finally churn out the courage to come out of their closets? I detest the façade that they project. They’ll make films about homosexuality which indirectly shows their support for the gay community but mind you, they have issues in talking about their own sexual preference. Hypocritical? I think so. And I don’t understand the issue. India has become relatively progressive about homosexuality. In fact, the ‘upper classmen’, i.e. celebrities, are often praised and lauded for being so candid about such topics. For the most part, those very celebrities would most likely being plastered on the glossies and gain immense praise from the LGBT community. It’s the middle-class who often suffers and finds themselves having to veil their sexuality from the world.

“We [celebrities] have responsibilities,” they shout from the rooftops. So why is it then that Bollywood stars have issues in declaring their sexuality— which is pretty gosh darn evident anyway, and create a pathway for people in totality? Why do they instead dodge the question or alternatively claim they don’t care if everyone thinks they’re gay? If you can’t admit to your own sexual preference, then you sure as hell do not deserve to make films about the same.

In a country where people are often motivated to make changes and are inspired by Hindi films, acceptance and acknowledgement of being openly gay by the n amount of actors that clearly are homosexuals, could perhaps open up a door that the mango people (aam aadmi) are too scared to peek through. It wasn’t until very recently that being gay in India was finally decriminalized. And why it was ever criminalized was beyond anyone’s understanding. What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their home is really no one’s concern or business. Shouldn’t this issue be documented and made into a film? The problem ultimately lies with us. We, as moviegoers, are addicted to this “paisa vasool” phenomena that we simply refuse to watch a film that may actually tell us a thing or two. “Bore hai yaar,” we say. No, instead, we’d much rather watch a film where the actress is skimpily clad and dancing on a beer barrel. I just re-read that sentence and realized how incredibly moronic and archaic we appear.

But I don’t expect the industrywalas to take such chances anytime soon. Their idea of being “thoda hatke” involves films which are about reincarnation and superheroes. Yes. In the meantime, our gay celebs will continue to do what they do best: act. Because no one is gay in Bollywood.

Doctor KK Talwar of the Medical Council of India,

You are a disgusting man. How dare you sit on a public platform and act like you’re doing the country a favor by merely existing? Did you not feel even an ounce of remorse for every single person whose life has been destroyed by the malpractice of sick doctors? And when you were question by Aamir Khan as to a commitment, you simply shook your head. Sick. We all saw you looking to run out the nearest studio door as a wave of guilt came your way. Your hesitation and lack words towards making any changes, or reform, is unacceptable. You’ve been in office for nine months. Is that not enough time for you to have made any changes?

I was totally shocked by your inadequacy to answer even simply questions which any Chairman of a medical council should/would know. How on earth should we expect any changes in Indian healthcare when you have no idea as to how many doctor’s licenses have been revoked. I could have told you that and I have close to zero knowledge about the Indian healthcare system except that it is in dire need of reform. How should I, an aam aadmi, be expected to understand the policies of the MCI when you are unable to comprehend them yourself?

I’d love to take a peek at your bank account over the last nine months. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if overnight, you’ve found yourself X amount times richer courtesy of all the ‘work’ you’ve done. Look, I’m not saying that it is your solo job to eradicate corruption from the medical field, but for heaven’s sake, make some bloody changes. When the women of a village find themselves devoid of a uterus, then really, some real big changes need to take place and now.

Post the show, I sat to google the reactions that people had towards your appearance on Satyamev Jayante. The consensus was clear: you are nothing but a sham. The manner in which you presented yourself and the MCI was simply disgusting. As an Indian, I expect nothing from you, nor do I expect any changes from the MCI.

I believe that change will only happen in the generation that follows. It is through them that hopefully we will see changes in the Indian healthcare system. Until then, I hope that the citizens of India, who have lost loved ones, body parts and those who are still footing huge bills after no fault of their own, realize ultimately, as usual, they will have to take things into their own hands.

Apparently, you’ve been felicitated with a number of awards and recognition too. But for what? You reek of corruption, deceit and guilt.

Gross.

How to be an ABCD

Last year, I was asked to pen a piece for an online Indo-American site (which will remain nameless) about cricket. The editor said, “Keep it simple. Oh, and Indo-Chic.” I remember having a, “Hayeen?” moment. WTF is “Indo-Chic?” I thought. She said, “American Indians don’t consider India their home. They are Americans who happen to be Indian.” If you know me well, you know that at that moment, over a hundred-million gaalis (bad horrid obscene ones) went through my head. And then I thought to myself, “Maybe it’s not them…maybe, it’s me.” I was too Desi, no? I needed to fit in. But how on earth does one become an ABCD? This is how.

Shorten your name. Krishna becomes Krish, Samarpreet becomes Sam.

Choose between adapting to either White people or Black people lingo making you either ‘white-washed’ or ‘ghetto’.

Secretly keep only one or two Hindi/Punjabi tracks on your iPod.

Date Americans, Italians, Blacks and Mexicans before you finally allow Mama to choose you a life partner.

Meet at your local place of worship every Sunday so you can ogle at other Desi hotties and/or gossip about the local ‘slut’.

Dance (read: grind and gyrate) on Friday nights out at clubs with complete strangers but stand in a corner at local Garbas.

Wear strapless/sleeveless/über short skirts in college but when you come home, wear jeans, a tee and look exhausted.

Learn to make the roundest roti ever but you must scream ‘ew’ and ‘yuck’ when you smell tadka.

You can only like one of two Bollywood actors: Shah Rukh Khan or Salman Khan.

Only post videos of Justin Bieber. Make sure you poke fun of friends who post Bollywood videos.

Make videos called, ‘How to be Brown.’

Your room’s wall must be plastered with at least one Eminem poster.

Christmas/Thanksgiving > Diwali.

The answer to, ‘Have you been to India?’ is always, ‘Yes. Once.’

Make a trip to India to, ‘Find your roots.’

Laugh at and hate FOBs.

Use the acronym MLID for everything. 

Relate to every Russell Peters joke.

You must think cricket is a ‘poor man’s baseball’.

Make sure you’re shocked when you see a steamy scene in a Hindi film even though you’ve seen hotter bolder American films.

Wear a sari to at least one of your proms so your friends can ogle over how exotic you are but make a fuss about wearing a salwar suit on Sunday to the temple/gurudwara.

You must own one tube of Fair N Lovely while your non-Indian friends admire your natural 'tan'. 

‘Jai Ho’ is your understanding of the Indian National Anthem.

Brag about how you’re not scared of your parents but fear them like no other in reality.

Never eat with your hands.

Karan Johar films. Enough said.


Not so hard to become one in the end, eh? As for me…yeah, I pass. It's far too cumbersome to become one of them. I think I’ll stick to being myself: fobby, deeply rooted and far too Desi for the average person. 

Ten Day You Challenge: 1 Picture!

It took me an extra day to get to Day 10. Just when you think life can't throw you any curve balls, it does just that. And it's really odd that this "curve ball" happened to occur a day before I would have finished up my challenge. But such is life. I think there was a message behind it, which I haven't figured out just yet. But I will. Anyway, so Day 10 of the challenge is to put up a picture of myself. It got me thinking about myself. I'm hardly your atypical normal girl. I'm bipolar, filmy, a dramebaaz, nautanki, talk to much, like nearly everything but hate just as many things, get angry far too quickly, love passionately as I detest and so on. I actually sound supremely complicated, na? Okay, really it's not like that. I just have a lot of shades, I guess.

Okay one picture... hmmm okay, I pick this one.

By the way, with this the Ten Day You Challenge also ends. Done!

Ten Day You Challenge: 2 Songs!

Two songs. While I thought this was going to be incredibly hard, it actually was really simple.

1) You are my Sunshine - My grandfather believed I was the most sunniest, brightest child. He called me his sunshine and always said I'd light up any room. Explains my name too, I guess. But it's the memory of sitting with my grandfather, singing this song loudly before he'd hug me and laugh.

2) Aye Zindagi Gale Laga Le - Life has not been a bed of roses. How I've come out smiling, happy and giddy is beyond my understanding. I think Aye Zindagi is exactly what I'd like to tell/have been telling the universe and life.

Oh last day tomorrow and my challenge will be complete! 

Ten Day You Challenge: 3 Films!

So basically, this is really hard for me. Ya'll know that naturally, all my favorite films are Hindi. But to choose THREE? Are you kidding me? Phir se suicide karne ka waqt aa gaya hai lagta hai. No, but seriously. How on earth can I choose three? Uhhh, yeah I'm gonna cheat...yet again.

Hindi Films - old, new, cheesy, lame, inspirational, social, parallel, comedies, tragedies, romance, apologetically stupid, completely idiotic and so on, I love em all. If it were possible, I'd prefer my life to be one big Bollywood film.

Foreign Films - I absolutely love a good foreign film. They really hold incredible substance and stories that really hit home.


Old Musicals - I very rarely find a Hollywood film amazing but I do love their old school musicals. Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Grease, Dirty Dancing, I could go on and on....

Desi, Chokri and Nearly 30? You Need This!

So sitting at the salon the other day, I stumbled upon this fabulous article: “Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by The Time She’s 30”. I read, laughed, agreed with most of it and then digested it all. Now, this was obviously an American magazine which meant, I couldn’t relate to a lot of it. For the most part, we Desi girls lead different lives courtesy of our values, et al. But the article lingered in my head for a while and I couldn’t help but wonder about what things we Desi girls should have and know by age 30. And please do not ask me for my age. I’m as young as I look which of course, is 16. Right? Okay the list. Ready?

By 30, you should have:

A past that is controversial/juicy enough that you could easily turn it into a Shobha De-esque book or an Ekta Kapoor serial.

Cried yourself to sleep over a broken heart with your favorite melodrama/sad song…in your head.

Gotten drunk while watching a Hindi film in the cinema.

Full on tashaan.

Seen the Kama Sutra and laughed at how pretentious it is.

A signature drink ala Screw Driver or Whiskey…Patiala.

Drunk yourself silly and walked around the city singing, “Yeh Dosti” with your best friend.

Figured out which Bollywood actress you hate because you’re insanely jealous of how beautiful she is and no other reason.

A pair of fabulous heels and kohlapuri chappals.

Taken a trip with your girls to Spain thinking you’re gonna change your life after watching Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.

Crushed over a Hindi telly star.

Mastered the art of shying, crying and being coy.

By 30, you should know:

Which designer will be designing your trousseau and who will perform at your Sangeet (applicable to the unmarried ladies).

That Bollywood is a complete sham which has given you unrealistic expectations of men and life.

That said, you should know which Hindi movie you’d most like to model your life around.

How to roll a perfectly round roti and make amazing chai.

How to kill a coachroach with your chappal.

The names of your future children.

That all Desi men are mama’s boys and you cannot do anything about it.

How to drown out emotional blackmail and guilt trips from Mom and Dad.

Mastered at least three Desi dishes.

How to smartly dodge the “Teri shaadi kab hogi?” question (also only applicable to unmarried gals).

That Facebook has been overtaken by gossiping Aunties and Uncles. Please update your statuses and pictures accordingly.

Which Hindi serial you watch secretly while you diss it out to the rest of the world.

Ten Day You Challenge: 4 Books!

Yet another curve ball this challenge throws at me. Sigh. Four books? Isse acha hai mein suicide karlu! Okay, I’m done being a nautanki. So four books, it asked me to list. Here are they are:

Home (Manju Kapur) – Most people detest this book. I love it! A must read which really captures life in Delhi superbly.

Palace of Illusions (Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni) – Never has the Mahabharat seemed so amazing! This is the world of the Mahabharat through the eyes of Draupadi.

The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) – This is actually a 1943 children’s book, believe it or not. However, you’re treated to lessons about love, life and human nature.

A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hosseini) – As an author, Hosseini is simply superb and while everyone swears by The Kite Runner, I am more of a fan of his second book. It just hits home in every way!

Ten Day You Challenge: 5 Foods!

I'm gonna slightly cheat here because it's unfair to name 5 of my favorite foods. C'mon how on earth do you expect me to name only FIVE? I live to eat. I wake up and plan my lunch and just before lunch, think about my evening chai by which time I crave for my dinner. So yeah, I cheated but only slightly. Instead of naming my favorite foods individually, here are some food "groups" that I lurveeee.Oh, and these are in no particular order.


Deserts - Desi, Chinese, Middle Eastern, American, I love 'em all!
Halwa Puri - It's my favorite comfort food in the world. And no, contrary to belief, I am not from Meerut.
Dim Sum - I grew up eating Dim Sum every Sunday. It's as good as home cooked food for me.
Sandwiches - There is nothing like a good yummy sandwich with extra cheese, mayo, mustard and some peppercinis.
Rasta Food - Hawker food is amazing no matter which part of the world you're in. That said, nothing beats rasta food in Bombay. Pani puris, sandwiches and a plate of pav bhaji. Ahhhhh, heaven!

The Vagina Fairologues

I don’t understand what the big drama is about vaginas. Women all over the world will tell you that we pay a lot of attention to all aspects of our body but very little to our vaginas. All of a sudden, we’ve put the Indian women's vagina under the microscope. Like it was hard enough to be a woman what with the waxing, our monthly menstrual and childbirth, here’s another issue: whitening your vagina. And while the rest of the world are going “hai tauba”, crying “blasphemy” and tweeting “#WTF”, I actually have no real issue with Clean and Dry Intimate Wash. I do have a major issue with the television advertisement but zero problems with the product itself. Now don’t go judging me; hear me out already.

Eons ago, the problem was pubic hair. It just wasn’t sexy, hot, erotic and so on. Men all over will tell name their favorite Playboy models who pose in the nude sans a single body hair. So off we went to wax every single piece of hair off our smooth silky bodies. We dealt and still deal with the excruciating pain of Brazilian, Hollywood and various types of vaginal waxing, why? All for the sake of looking sexy. And yeah, also because apparently it’s hygienic which is really up for debate. Hygienists will tell you, pubic hair serves as protection to infection and bacteria. Anyhow, all for the sake of looking like Playboy models who pose nude (while we don’t), off it all comes, one waxing strip at a time. I don’t hear anyone going on about how that is “so wrong” and “why can’t we be accepted for owning hairy vaginas?” Where were ya’ll then?

Out comes this Clean and Dry Intimate Wash which not only washes but bleaches your vagina and then everyone becomes an activist towards vaginas. What is the bloody big deal? I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but to each woman their own. I hardly think this should become a national controversy.

My issue is the commercial which is now being aired on televisions all across India. The setup and situation presented is hardly one that normal. A husband ignoring his wife because her vagina isn’t fair enough, or so we're meant to comprehend, is really not a mundane enough example. And then of course, she uses the wash and badda-bing, he’s ready to get his freak on. Okay, really? Let’s be honest here, as long as men are getting some, they are hardly ones to sit and investigate how fair, or not, their woman’s vagina is.

India is a society based on fairness. As young girls, we were kept out of the sun for that reason only, “You’ll get dark!” Is it right? No, of course not. But we are slowly moving away from the idea of it. We’re more accepting of dusky, darker women—they’re equally as sexy. But really, we’re making far too big a deal about this whole ordeal. It’s just your regular feminine wash which happens to fair you up down there. So what?

If nothing, this entire ordeal has caused a lot more Indian women to pay more attention to their vaginas. That’s for sure.

Ten Day You Challenge: 8 Fears!

I actually feared writing about my fears. This tough-girl exterior, which I put up so well, is really a great facade. No one believes I could possibly fear anything, or anyone. But that is far from the truth. At the end of the day, I am just a normal, regular gal...who has fears. That said, I am hardly one who will let my fears get the better of me. So I have fears, I recognize them and chalte raho, hai na?

Mark Twain once said, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." And I couldn't agree more.

8) Thunder - the sound freaks the crap outta me. It's so loud and angry!
7) Holes - I have Trypophobia. I see a bunch of holes and get goosebumps.
6) Losing my BB - It's my jaan. Enuff said.
5) People I've hurt won't/haven't forgiven me - Intentionally/unintentionally, I know I have and I pray to the Lord, they've realize I never meant to hurt them.
4) Disappointing my family by failing at my goals - They've been so supportive; I'd hate to disappoint him.
3) Losing people I love
2) God
1) Bad memories, past catching up with my future - Isn't this everyone's fear?