Problem, Problem, Problem!

To say that I have a problem with everything is like saying that I love Bollywood; DUH! I really do have an issue with everything in the world. But more recently, it’s my favorite topic, Bollywood that has been really giving me a hard time. A lot of issues that are currently giving me sleepless nights are all courtesy of our filmmakers and on occasion, the stars of the films too. You see, they seem to be irking me with the amount of nonsense they seem to be throwing my way. And since Hong Kong has happened, I've been spending a lot of my free time in front of the telly tuned into MTV. Hence, the issues.

Heroine

Problem #2: I want this dress.

My problem with Heroine is that you need to take an antidepressant after! How on earth anyone can sit through such Negative Nancy film is beyond me. I woke up the next day feeling really blue. Madhur Bandarkar isn’t one who makes ‘feel good’ films but was it necessary to make a film that makes you want to jump off the nearest bridge? And while Bebo rocked as Mahi, at no point in time did I feel an ounce of pity for her character. How on earth Bebo got through the film without falling into a deep case of misery, is beyond me.

Jab Tak Hain Jaan
Oh, dear lord, where to begin with this? I have a big huge problem with Challa, for starters. SRK has single-handedly ruined a beautiful song by dancing around like a spaz. And what is up with Yash Uncle believing that SRK in a beard. Ray Bans and a uniform connotes for a hit film? What kind of 1993 formula is that? But all this aside, its SRK repeatedly chiming the “Jab Tak Hain Jaan” line in the promos that really make me want to pull my hair out! That wannabe orgasmic voice of his is the biggest put off and repetition doesn’t make it any sexier.

Student of the Year
Sigh. Karan, Karan, Karan. What are we going to do with you? I think you should start paying for my sleep aid. Whether it’s your rather odd cast, the cheesiness that is oozing from the promos or the randomness that is Ishq Wala Love, it all makes me want to…puke! I’m not sure what the point of your film is. But then I’m not sure what the point of most your films are anyway, so why should this be any different I suppose.

K.L.P.D.
My problem is simple. Mallaika Sherawat and Vivek Oberoi. Together. In a film. And it’s called KLPD.

Aiyyaa
Umm, I love the soundtrack of the film because it’s catchy and funky. But my issue is with Rani and her new found love for her jiggling belly. It’s really not a fun sight so I think she should kinda sorta hide it. And as excited as I am for the film, I prefer a non-jiggling Rani, i.e. a fully clad

Some wise man has said, "Every problem has a solution." Can some other wise man please tell me what the solution is exactly?

The Bollywood Mashup!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about Bollywood, no? It’s been a while since I’ve blogged at all in fact. But moving and adjusting has taken a bit of a toll on me. However, all is good and I promise regular posts from here on. Okay so yes, Bollywood, what is going on? I’ve been quietly observing you lately and I am mighty worried.

For starters, there is Priyanka Chopra, who is making her singing (read: auto tune) debut. So here’s the deal. You’re Indian, you’re an ex Miss World and yet you pose like Rihanna in glittery pumps and sing in an American accent? Errr, somewhere something doesn’t make sense. I would have had heaps of respect for P.C. if she had put some Indian element to the single. Instead, we get a very wannabe-ish attempt and a completely auto tuned voice which not only puts one off but makes you put Piggy Chops back in the “Get Outta Town” bracket. I’m not a P.C. fan by default – she’s far too pretentious for me, but at least I would have had some respect for the lady. Sheee!

And then there is Rani Mukherjee in Aiyya. By now you’ve all seen Dreamum Wakeupum. And if you haven’t, refrain or else you will be scarred for life. Why is it that every actress above the age of 32 feels that the only way they can stick around is to put on Silk Smitha acts ala Vidya Balan in The Dirty Picture? Rani, Rani, Rani, you are far better than that. It’s not the song that is awful – no, no, it’s actually one helluva catchy track. The lyrics are funky even. It’s Rani jiggling and bouncing around that is very painful. 

If you were missing Preity Zinta, look no further because she is back. Um, you remember when Preity could smile and emote? Yeah, she can’t do that anymore courtesy of all that work that she’s had done on her face. In fact, her expression in the promo has been stationary whether she smiles, smirks and even looks upset. It’s all the same. Ishqk in Paris is her comeback film but I’d rather see her charming face come back versus her rather plastic face. The film looks funnish, I guess. There’s a shaadi number also which I think is supposed to be a crowd drawer but it’s very meh. Also, her dimples seem to missing...conspiracy theory?

What do I say about my Bebo Didi aka Kareena Kapoor? With her wedding on the horizon and Heroine on the brink of release, she sure does have a lot on her plate. But I’m rather worried for Bebo Didi. You see, I have a gut feeling Heroine isn’t going to work. And here’s my funda; Heroine is really just an extension of Fashion. What is the difference between the life of a model and of an actress? Very little, no? The struggles and lifestyle are almost identical. So what newness and freshness can Madhur Bhandarkar bring to the audiences? What do we NOT already know about the film industry that The Dirty Picture hasn’t told us? In my opinion, this is actually a film that should not be made and if anything, the role should have been taken on by a newcomer. Bebo could have easily waited for something incredibly different from the Bhandarkar house to have been a part of. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong though!

For all you Sridevi fans, English Vinglish is nearly here and by god, it looks fabulous! Not only does she look like a million bucks but her acting seems to have improved too. I have a feeling this will be an underplayed performance by Sri backed by a good script. And yes, she will be dancing!

Of course, you all know I’m dreading Student of the Year. Karan Johar’s candy floss films really get on my nerves. I have no issues with teeny-bop films but please make them somewhat relatable. 

Oh, so before I leave you, a lot of folks have been asking for my 2012 picks. So, here are the films I’ve enjoyed so far this year:

Agneepath – Fabulous remake!

Tere Naal Love Ho Gaya – Super cute.

Paan Singh Tomar – It stars Irrfan Khan; enough said.

Vicky Donor – Easily the film of the year – smart, funny, entertaining.

Ishaqzaade – Surprise performances and a good storyline.

Shanghai – Emraan Hashmi and Abhay Deol work this political drama to the core.

Gangs of Wasseypur – Rustic and a great film to learn gaalis from.

Bol Bachchan – While this is all Ajay Devgn, Abhishek really impresses.

Cocktail – Cheeseball film of the year with Deepika Padukone stealing the limelight.

Ek Tha Tiger – Eff the 100 Crore club, this one went on to make 200! Salman Khan underplays his role and how! Katrina kicks ass real well, great music, good sights, entertaining, short and fun!

ZOMG!!!

Yes, yes, I am back. Just fell into a bit of a lull (or is it LULZ) or rather, fell into a really rotten ditch. And then just like Bruce Wayne (Batman) who too had fallen in a jail/well, I too had to face my fears and climb out of it minus a rope. So here I am, raring to go and basically, a lot on my mind which of course, I must share with ya’ll, cause, um you all missed me so much and are all dying with agony to hear about everything I have to say, no? Of course, you are. And if you aren’t excited, well then too bad; you have no choice.

That Loser Shooter
First of all, to all my ‘friends’ who thought it would be funny to send me messages along the lines of, “Don’t get shot!” after I updated my status on FB to read, “#TDKR @ the cinema”, have you met my middle finger? Who needs enemies when I got friends like you? Anyway, back to the loser shooter whom I refuse to name because that will only give him more attention than he deserves. I’ll say this. Until America doesn’t fix its gun laws, it really should not and cannot call itself a first world country. Not only that, but the loser shooter, is still only a ‘suspect’ because he is ‘innocent until proven guilty’ and oh, did I mention that he’s white. Why is that important? Here’s why. Dekho, if he was Black, he’d be a drug addict; if he was Latino, then a border hopper and if he was Muslim, then a terrorist. But he is none of the above and thus, he is just a suspect. Welcome to America in 2012; where the White still reign and everyone else is still judged by stereotypes. One only hopes the media will pay more attention to the victims and give their families strength to get through this difficult time.

He Has Risen…and How!
Yes, The Dark Knight Rises has been watched and loved immensely. Christopher Nolan has outdone himself this time with the most epic ending to a trilogy possible. Yes, all the actors put on amazing performances which left you spellbound but it’s the plot, the execution and the climax which forced the 4:50 PM show at Pacific Commons Cinema, Auditorium 10, to give the film a standing ovation followed by a roaring applause. I refuse to give out any spoilers. You simply just have to watch it to understand the epicness that is The Dark Knight Rises.

Desi Girl
So according to an ‘ignorant’ daily, India is one of the most dangerous countries in the world for women. You know this is only because of recent horrific events, right? But to set the record straight, here are some facts.

Women raped on a daily basis in Congo: 1,152
Women raped on a daily basis in India: 57

90% of women face domestic violence in Pakistan
70% of women face domestic violence in India

In Afghanistan, 87% of women are illiterate
In India, 35% of the women are illiterate

India doesn’t look so bad in comparison, eh? Look, even these numbers aren’t something we, as modern day Indians, should be proud of. The fact that we have double digit numbers in any of these categories is rather shameful. But to call India a “dangerous” country is rather far-fetched. Yes, we’re currently clearly dealing with a bunch of frustrated set of men who, in some parts of India, where men believe women are still inferior. This doesn’t mean the entire male population of India is out on the streets waiting to gang rape every woman they see. It just isn’t like that. In fact, while the women are outraged at what has happened in Guwahati, the men of India are equally as furious. To call India a “dangerous” country is completely ignorant. There are imbeciles in every developed country in the world but that hardly makes us ‘dangerous’. And if we were THAT dangerous, would we have been able to elect a female Prime Minister and President?

Castration

The Guwahati incident had me fuming. But it was uneducated ignorant comments that some idiotic Indian men made towards the incident that made me want to literally castrate them too along with the perpetrators who need to be hung from their penises for their crime. A conversation with an unknown moronic man from North East India went something like this.

Me: These men should be castrated.
Him: Why? These girls should be more careful.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Guwahati is a Naxal area. And where are these girls parents? Why did they allow them to go out of the house at night?
Me: Are you educated? You sound illiterate right now.
Him: What?! We don’t know about these girls.
Me: It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing, where their parents are, why they were at a bar and where in the world they are, you cannot touch a girl! Rape is something else!
Him: But this is a Naxal area.
Me: And that makes it okay?
Him: No but these girls are wrong.
Me: You’re an idiot.
Him: Oh, well.

Castrate him too? I think so.

#MainBhiHeroine
And on a rather lighter note, just want to quickly point out how the first look poster of Heroine starring apni Bebo aka Kareena Kapoor looks a lot like my Twitter display picture. Errr…inspiration or sheer replication?

AK and his SMJ

In his better days (?)

I’m gonna turn cynic for a day—which is kinda sorta outta order for me, but oh well. I’ll admit it, I found myself totally and completely bowled over by Aamir Khan and his Satyameva Jayante. I knew the otherwise rather shaant Khan was going to take on rather iffy subjects and attack the Indian sentiment in hopes to awaken their otherwise asleep conscious. So it started with a bang and most of us went on taali maaro and seeti bajao. Yes, we knew about these burning issues, female infoeticide, dowry, domestic abuse and so on, but via SMJ, we were forced to take a deeper look at these issues at 11 AM on a Sunday morning—provided you were awake and not sleeping off a wretched hangover. But then something happened. It went stale. Here were are a few weeks later and when SMJ time comes around every week, SMJ cynics go haywire while the cheerleaders find themselves pasting last week’s tweets but not before they change the hashtag.

But did Aamir just fool us all this while? Were we just excited at the sheer novelty that it presented to us, Indians who are always on the lookout for something zara hatke. In reality, if you think about it, SMJ screamed tai tai phiss from the get go. For starters, that sorry set. How Aamir Khan, who is otherwise well known for putting together everything with perfection, manages to jut out such a dreary dull set which looks like it has depression issues, is beyond me. The set in itself asks for sympathy; can you really blame us for feeling like we really must shed tears every Sunday?

This may sound rather awful, but SMJ is not path-breaking television. Such formats are currently ongoing on a number of alternate Hindi channels. The difference? None of them have the backing of a well-known celebrity playing host or the backing of any big Indian companies. And the subjects chosen are often ones we’ve been told about repeatedly. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be handled but at least tell us something we don’t know.

And before you think I’m all about being a Debbie Downer, let me tell you I don’t think it’s all that bad. I like the fact Khan has taken serious panga with the local doctors and the panchayat. That was cool. And I absolutely love the music of the show—Sona Mohapatra rocks every week as does the title track which provide more inspiration on days that the show fails to do so. Oh, and I love that it's all in Hindi.

Aamir has announced a season two for SMJ and here’s hoping that he will change a few things and mix it up so we’re not as inclined to troll the show. And while he’s at it, can someone please get him a new stylist? His clothes make me cry.

Because No One is Gay in Bollywood

When Anderson Cooper (you already knew he was gay, right?) comes out and tells the world he bats for the other team, the west applauds him. They all cannot get enough of how ‘bold’ and ‘honest’ he is. And I’m, errr, not sure why especially since, oh, we already knew! The west has always been more open and accepting about homosexuality, so why the hoopla when AC comes out to tell America something they already knew? It was a pretty well-known fact that Cooper was gay and if you didn’t know that, well then, you’ve been living under a rock. I think I was more depressed when Ricky Martin confessed he preferred men over women.

But the real question is, when will our own celebrities – the gay ones, finally churn out the courage to come out of their closets? I detest the façade that they project. They’ll make films about homosexuality which indirectly shows their support for the gay community but mind you, they have issues in talking about their own sexual preference. Hypocritical? I think so. And I don’t understand the issue. India has become relatively progressive about homosexuality. In fact, the ‘upper classmen’, i.e. celebrities, are often praised and lauded for being so candid about such topics. For the most part, those very celebrities would most likely being plastered on the glossies and gain immense praise from the LGBT community. It’s the middle-class who often suffers and finds themselves having to veil their sexuality from the world.

“We [celebrities] have responsibilities,” they shout from the rooftops. So why is it then that Bollywood stars have issues in declaring their sexuality— which is pretty gosh darn evident anyway, and create a pathway for people in totality? Why do they instead dodge the question or alternatively claim they don’t care if everyone thinks they’re gay? If you can’t admit to your own sexual preference, then you sure as hell do not deserve to make films about the same.

In a country where people are often motivated to make changes and are inspired by Hindi films, acceptance and acknowledgement of being openly gay by the n amount of actors that clearly are homosexuals, could perhaps open up a door that the mango people (aam aadmi) are too scared to peek through. It wasn’t until very recently that being gay in India was finally decriminalized. And why it was ever criminalized was beyond anyone’s understanding. What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their home is really no one’s concern or business. Shouldn’t this issue be documented and made into a film? The problem ultimately lies with us. We, as moviegoers, are addicted to this “paisa vasool” phenomena that we simply refuse to watch a film that may actually tell us a thing or two. “Bore hai yaar,” we say. No, instead, we’d much rather watch a film where the actress is skimpily clad and dancing on a beer barrel. I just re-read that sentence and realized how incredibly moronic and archaic we appear.

But I don’t expect the industrywalas to take such chances anytime soon. Their idea of being “thoda hatke” involves films which are about reincarnation and superheroes. Yes. In the meantime, our gay celebs will continue to do what they do best: act. Because no one is gay in Bollywood.

Ban These Fools Too!

Offo! I’m already sick of this Shah Rukh Khan behaving badly hoopla. Without getting into details and taking sides as to if he was right or not, I hardly think he’s going to care if he’s banned from Wankhede Stadium. The guy can buy his own stadium if he wanted to. I think if anyone should be blamed, it should be Priyanka Chopra. Since the lady has entered his life vis-à-vis their so-called love affair, nothing seems to be going right for King Khan. Okay PC lovers, don’t go getting your panties in a knot on me. Relax. I was kidding. Anyway, like I tweeted yesterday, now if only we could ban SRK from films, we’d be good to go. Now don’t you SRK fans go nuts on me. You guys also relax. But that got me thinking. Which other stars needed to be banned and for what reasons? <Insert evil laugh here> Check it out!

Tusshar Kapoor should be banned effective immediately from taking such pictures. See, I’m sure his 10 fans fainted after he tried (and failed) to pull a John Abraham on the world. But those moobs and that really unsexy face (what kinda expression is that?) made most people faint from shock.

I’ve always said that post Fashion, Priyanka Chopra’s wannabe attitude hit an all time high. But more recently, I heard her speaking in an interview and basically, I wanted to puke. It wasn’t what she said but the way she said it. We get it; you have an accent—good for you. But we’ve heard you speak normally so just cause you’re abroad, there is no need to sit and turn it on. And because of that, PC should be banned from speaking.

If anyone needs to be banned from any form of social network, publications and banned from appearing in front of any camera, it should be Poonam Pandey. And there are a number of reasons for this, 1) she isn’t sexy, 2) she steals tweets, 3) she can’t spell, 4) she is a waste of space in the cyber world. She should be banned from being human even.

My ‘favorite’ Freida Pinto should be banned from India. The damned girl got super lucky with Slumdog Millionaire but since then her attitude has become very hoity toity. And then the girl has the audacity to claim that Bollywood isn’t her thing. Dude, Bollywood doesn’t want you; neither does India for that matter.

And then there are these ones:

Shahid Kapoor should be banned from all Spelling Bee competitions.

Karan Johar needs to be banned from making movies in London and New York. Make a movie in India fool.

Let’s ban Bipasha Basu from wearing clothes. She hardly wears any anyway.

And lastly, Sid Mallya should be banned from looking at mirrors. They’re lying to him and telling him he’s hot property.

Ban karlo please. Woh bhi now!

Ten Day You Challenge: 3 Films!

So basically, this is really hard for me. Ya'll know that naturally, all my favorite films are Hindi. But to choose THREE? Are you kidding me? Phir se suicide karne ka waqt aa gaya hai lagta hai. No, but seriously. How on earth can I choose three? Uhhh, yeah I'm gonna cheat...yet again.

Hindi Films - old, new, cheesy, lame, inspirational, social, parallel, comedies, tragedies, romance, apologetically stupid, completely idiotic and so on, I love em all. If it were possible, I'd prefer my life to be one big Bollywood film.

Foreign Films - I absolutely love a good foreign film. They really hold incredible substance and stories that really hit home.


Old Musicals - I very rarely find a Hollywood film amazing but I do love their old school musicals. Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Grease, Dirty Dancing, I could go on and on....

Pura Review: Agent Vinod

A really hot Saif Ali Khan and an even hotter Kareena Kapoor has to equal scorching heat, no? Negative.Nyet. No. Nahin. Agent Vinod was one of the films that I was really looking forward to in 2012. "What’s not to like?" I thought. Action, romance, drama and an extremely fit Saifu, this could easily be the ‘Saif Ali Khan’ film we’ve all been waiting for. Yeah, right.

Agent Vinod (Saif Ali Khan) is your usual RAW agent who is on a mission as the film begins. He is quickly told to handle a rather dire situation after his partner (Ravi Kissen) is killed. The mission takes him all around the world before he finally figures out the complicated situation which may result in nuclear war. In between, he meets Iram (Kareena Kapoor), who assists him and naturally, the duo fall in love. He saves the day and all is well on planet earth. Oh, and there is a hint of a sequel. Yeap.

Agent Vinod is easily the worst 3 hours, yes 3 hours, I’ve spent in 2012. In fact, I demand my money back. But more than a waste of time, Agent Vinod is disappointing. As a Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor fan, it hurts to be given a film that does nothing for you. If Agent Vinod was sex, it would be the worst sex ever. It’s missionary, unorgasmic and definitely lacked any sense of heat. Boring. The first half of the film confuzzles you and just when you think you’ve got the gist of it, it bamboozles you into complete confusion. You’re apparently “treated” to spectacular visions of different sights around the world but if you ask me, they’re just showing off. It doesn’t add any value to the film! In fact, the script could have been adjusted and shot in India completely. The length of the film is one of the biggest drawbacks. There were umpteen moments when I believed the end was near. But nope. Anti climaxes again, and again. Director Sriram Raghavan disappoints and how with AV. It’s hard to believe that this is the same director who gave us the uber suave Johnny Gadaar gives us this. Oh, and another bone I have to pick is how badly and ineffectively the awesome music of the film was used.

The only real reason to watch Agent Vinod is for Saif Ali Khan. He’s slick, suave and super sexy. However, not even he can save the film from its lackluster, substance absent and overloaded on style, script. Kareena Kapoor is plain average. Her role is limited and lacks any sense of matter. The smaller roles played by the likes of Ram Kapoor (super!), Prem Chopra (awesome) and even Rajat Kapoor all manage to aid the film as well as they can.

Agent Vinod is a snooze fest. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to work in any department like it seemed to promise in the promos. Instead, you’re left with a headache and depending on where you are in the world, a few dollars short in your wallet. Maybe we just can’t get James Bondesque film right in Bollywood. And if that is the case, then spare us Bollywood. Give us some dancing around the tree instead but just do it right. Pliss.

100 Word Review: Kahaani

The premise of Kahaani: a pregnant wife in search of her husband. However, there is more than meets the eye as her motive eventually shocks authorities. Sujoy Ghosh pulls out a winner from his director’s cap with this thriller. You are immediately taken in by the story and Kolkata. Vidya Balan is top notch. She is proving to be an actress you cannot and should not mess with. The rest of the cast all support aptly. The story engrosses you with only one minor hichki vis-à-vis the hacking sequence which is slightly pretentious. That said, Kahaani tells a fabulous tale.

Must Watch: In Transit!

So you all know how I am really not one to promote anything. And if I do, then there really must be something rapchick, dhinchak about it, right? Exactly. So here I am requesting you, no, telling you to have a look-see at this promo for an indie film which is really creating quite a lot of waves. It happens to be the brainchild of my close friend Suniil Sadarangani who oozes talent in a number of ways. Based on a true life events, In Transit is about two people from completely different cultures and how their lives intertwine in L.A. It's been making its rounds at a number of film festivals around the world and trust me, it's absolutely fantastic. But enough gushing about it from me, take a look for yourself.

And after you're floored, go ahead and join the In Transit Facebook Page to get more details and updates about the film.

100 Word Review: London Paris New York

There is only one reason to watch London Paris New York.
Nikhil: See, I’m a guy and I’m totally attracted to you, aur tum ho ke…
Lalitha: Mein hoon ki kya?
Nikhil: Tum ek number ke tease ho!
Lalitha: Meri galti hai ke tum ek number ke tharki ho?
Nikhil: Mein tharki hoon? Apni badi-badi aankhon se tumne mujhe hypnotize kiya aur phir meri kaande pe sarr rakte hai sexy billy jaisi aahe barr rahi ho! 

This is the only time I was interested during the film. Ali Zafar hams; Aditi Rao is average. You can ignore and avoid LPNY.

Is it Ta-Ta, Bye-Bye for Priyanka Chopra?

I think this piece needs a disclaimer before anything else. So here is.

The Disclaimer: I am NOT a Priyanka Chopra hater. Really. Not at all.

That said Piggy Chops is in a bit of a tight spot sadly. She finds herself devoid of actors who are willing to star with her courtesy of her rather iffy ways. Now if we get started, we’ll be here for ages. But in a nutshell, Akshay Kumar and Shah Rukh Khan cannot star with her anymore after both their wives have expressed their discomfort towards her “close proximity” towards the men. In turn, Hrithik Roshan has decided he too will keep afar from Chopra Madam after SRK’s wife, who happens to his Roshan’s wife’s best friend, made it clear she didn’t like PC. Salman Khan and Ajay Devgan have had issues with her for ages now while Abhishek Bachchan chooses to keep his distance from her after some award ceremony song choice hoopla. Saif Ali Khan stays away because of Bebo. Shahid Kapoor, her ex-beau, chooses to keep her far and wide for obvious reasons while Aamir Khan sees no reason to star with her. Lastly, there is Ranbir Kapoor who doesn’t want his pairing with her to go stale and so will not sign anymore films with her. Not for a while at least.

The above actors are considered Bollywood’s A-listers which means she’s left with a handful of unpopular actors to work with. Not exactly a good situation for PC, no?

But fikaar not, Priyanka, you’ve been voted number 69 on Ask Men UK’s Top 99 Women of 2012. P.C. fans rejoice quickly before I absolutely shred this piece of nonsense. Done? Ho gaya? So basically this piece is nothing but a farce because this list also has includes Sunny Leone and Frieda Pinto. Need I say more? But let’s get down into the nitty-gritty’s of it. AskMen UK claim she makes the list because of her talent. Done; that she is. But very quickly, I’d like to remind everyone that the last hit film Priyanka had was back in 2008. Post then, she’s had a string of flops: Kaminey, What’s Your Raashee?, Pyaar Impossible, Anjaana Anjaani, 7 Khoon Maaf and Don 2. Agneepath was all about Hrithik Roshan, Rishi Kapoor and Sanjay Dutt; let’s be honest here.

So Nosy!

And then, they go on to describe her quite aptly, “bee-stung lips, coffee-coloured eyes and voluptuous, hourglass figure…” But hold up, “bee-stung lips?” More like Botox filled courtesy of plastic surgeon Daddy Chopra. And how could they forget to mention her nose job which has completely changed her profile – trust me, I’ve paid very close attention. But all this is fine. It’s the next part which pisses the crap outta me. “Chopra will be exposing a new side of herself to Westerners when she releases an eagerly awaited English-language album later this year.” Uh, okay. I’ve heard her sing and trust me, she is quite average. And if you have to sing because your shampoo bottles claim you're fabulous, no problem, but cut a Hindi album at least! Why do you need to impress the westerners? How many Western artists want to “impress” the East and thus, cut a Hindi album?

Look, I’m not hating; think of this as a reality check for Priyanka Chopra. Basically, the actress needs to shed her “I’m too cool for school” attitude and she’ll be fine. In the meantime, PC has quite a task ahead of her which should begin with finding co-stars. Pronto.

Pura Review: Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu

Ever since Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu released, all I seem to be reading are replica reviews that call it a “coming of age” film. Basically, this is a new genre formed by the critics which our filmmakers are trying to take undue advantage of; better known as a fad. And the one filmmaker who is literally cashing out on this trend is none other than Karan Johar. So yes, he’s back in producer form with Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu which stars the very cool Kareena Kapoor and chocolate boy, (he’s yet to evade himself from that tag) Imran Khan. Naturally, it screams I Hate Luv Storys hangover simply because it possesses the same aura and vibe also known as cheese factor.

Welcome to Las Vegas where Rahul Kapoor (Imran Khan) lives a nine to five job courtesy of his commanding parents. On the flip side, there is the carefree and joshiley Riana Briganza (Kareena Kapoor) who lives in the moment. After a night of extreme drunkenness, they get married ala Vegas style. The duo find themselves in each others company while they file for an annulment and a deep friendship forms. Very quickly, Rahul falls in pyar, ishq, mohabbat for Riana who is not ready for any kind of relationship. However, he does manage to change his rather “stiff uptight” ways in the company of Riana.

EMAET is not a coming of age film and if you had to pick a coming of age film from Karan Johar’s lot, it would have to be Wake Up Sid which fits the coming of age genre bill to the T. However, EMAET is a coming of age for Hindi films vis-à-vis the ending of the film which, by the way, leaves big time room for a sequel. It’s not the same shindig. No running into each others arms or sudden realization of love, but a rather mature ending to what is easily any of the two: a chick flick or a cheese fest. Look, EMAET is hardly path breaking cinema but you cannot deny that is a nice easy breezy film which works best on a Sunday afternoon. The plot is simple and fun with some funky young dialogues. Shakun Batra does well with her film and clearly has a good understanding of modern day love and relationships.

The film belongs to Kareena Kapoor. As Riana Briganza, she is funky, fun and fabulous in every which way. Barring her horrid hair – which is rather ironic as she plays an unemployed hairstylist, she literally becomes Riana. That said, this film and role must have been child’s play for Bebo especially since she has done a lot deeper substance filled roles in the past. Riana is not Geet from Jab We Met. With due respect to the latter film, Geet was more rural; Riana is urban. Where do I begin with Imran Khan. I’m not a fan and so by the end, I was literally pakaoed by his enactment of Rahul Kapoor. I’m not sure whether it was the role or the hair, but Imran didn’t work at all for me. In fact, I was more excited to see Ram Kapoor, who plays a rich tharki, in the two scenes he bagged. I think Imran believed EMAET would be his Wake Up Sid moment. And in a way he is right; this is a wake up Imran and smell the roses moment! Boman Irani and Ratna Pathak Shah are as usual superb; she more than him.

And now, the flaws. First the music. This is not Amit Trivedi’s best with the title track taking the crown and Aahatein a close second.  Then there are a few minor details which Shakun should have really cross-checked. For starters, how can a wannabe ballet dancer, who has a steel ball in her foot, dance like a diva in Auntyji? And then of course, there’s the hair issue. For a hairstylist, they really should have given her some gosh darn awesome hair. If anyone needed Vidal Sassoon, it was Riana Briganza.

Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu has been compared to Hollywood rom-coms but in all honesty, why should we do that? We are totally capable of making great Hindi romantic comedies as we have in the past. The film is time pass, paisa vasool even, but strictly that. If you need reasons to watch the film, well then go in if you’re looking for a short cutesy film. And of course, for Bebo. She actually uses the word, “anal” in the film. C’mon now, do you need any more reason?

How Do You Like Your Hrithik?

Post Agneepath, I’ve rekindled my love for Hrithik Roshan. Yes, he said very little, barely danced but let’s be honest, this was definitely one of his best performances thus far. That said, I found myself realizing that Roshan is one actor who has experimented a lot in his career, refused to get pigeon-holed and still managed to stay as hot as he did from day one. While he’s sexy and he knows it, Hrithik is one dude who has played every role and yet managed to stay hot. And so I ask you, how do you like your Hrithik?

Romanchak Hrithik
This is perhaps typical Hrithik. In fact, he started his career with playing the romantic boy who falls in love and is willing to do anything for his girl. And then of course, he’s gone ahead to do it one too many times. However, every time he looks deeply into the eyes of his heroine, utters the words “I love you”, dances around a tree with her and then fights to make her his, you can’t help but sigh.

Patriotic Hrithik
Only Hrithik Roshan can make loving your country look mind-blowing. And it’s not just in patriotic films where he plays an army officer, but in a number of movies, his character has subtly been an India fan. Add to that some tear jerking dialogues and Roshan has won your heart.  Hrithik in loving-your-country mode is uber hot.

Dishoom Hrithik
When he’s mad, his eyes go blood shot red, the nerve in his forehead pops and his voice quivers. Hrithik Roshan in angry mode is like this only. But that doesn’t stop him from making you swoon. I actually challenge anyone to find a bad man/villain hotter than Hrithik. You’ll find, it’s impossible.

Snooty Hrithik
Now this is my favorite Hrithik. I absolutely love it when Roshan goes into “I’m too cool for school” types. Such a turn on. Somehow Roshan works the attitude, which normally women would hate, into a characteristic that is magnetic. Even as a snooty hoity-toity hot shot, Roshan is phenomenal.

Superhero Hrithik
Our very own Krishh can put any other superhero to shame. He can climb buildings, kill villains, romance a ladki and still be as normal as the guy next door. But add to that he has a killer persona which cannot be imitated and badda-bing, Hrithik Roshan is the hottest superhero out there.

Royal Hrithik
If I had to choose my favorite king, it’ll be Hrithik Roshan. As a royal baadshah, he took a Mughal king and made him appear as the hottest man with a crown. But it’s only Hrithik who could’ve made history look incredibly enamoring.

And then there is bare-chested Hrithik, dancing Hrithik, magician Hrithik and so on. He happens to be one of the few actors who can make a white shirt and jeans look hubba-hubba.

So I ask you again: How do you like your Hrithik? I’ll take mine with extra fudge, whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top. Parcel please.

In Bollywood, Size Doesn't Matter!

Every year we’re bombarded with films that everyone watches courtesy of big budgets, huge star casts and of course, item numbers. But a lot of the time, the best films of the year are ones that are low on budget, small in stars but deep in substance. And these are the movies you more than often ignore. Bad idea. I could sit here and tell you which biggies to watch, but I pass. You’ll figure that out for yourself. So instead, I’ll do just the opposite. While most of 2012’s films have tentative release dates, check out these smaller films you may want to miss but probably shouldn't.

London, Paris, New York
What: Ali Zafar is back in 2012 in Anu Menon’s love story, London, Paris, New York. In hopes to bring back old school Bollywood romance, it follows the lives of two diverse people who fall in love in three cities over eight years.

Why:  Three awesome cities, romance and one very cute Ali Zafar…need I say more?


Bittoo Boss
What: Starring new kids Pulkit Samrat and Amita Pathak, Bittoo Boss is quite simply is about a man whose job is to record weddings.

Why: This could quite easily be the Band Baaja Baraat of the year. Add to that, this is the same production house that bought us the very cool bromance Pyaar Ka Punchnama last year. And and and, the film’s dialogues are apparently causing the censors nightmares!

Paan Singh Tomar
What: Irrfan Khan and Mahi Gill bring to the screen, the true life story of a runner turned rebel. In order to escape poverty, Tomar, joins the Indian National Games and living an honest life, he becomes a “baaghi” who causes mayhem in the Chambal Valley.

Why: True life stories always tend to be inspirational and this one is about a man we know far too little about.



Maximum
What: This underworld drama is about two cops who are at loggerheads courtesy of a dire situation that occurs in Mumbai. They find themselves looking for extreme power in Maximum City. Not only will the system be tested but so will their integrity.

Why: Check out the cast: Sonu Sood, Naseeruddin Shah, Neha Dhupia, Vinay Pathak, Arya Babbar. Expect powerhouse performances and an engaging plot.

Aiyaa
What: When a Marathi gal, played by Rani Mukherji meets South boy, Prithviraj, love happens. And of course, at the same time, a culture clash too.

Why: Believe it or not, this rom-com is actually written by Anurag Kashyap.



Of course, you should catch the biggies too. But if you do get an afternoon free this year, you must must must catch one of the above.  Enjoy!

If SRK Got Slapped...

Can you imagine if Shirish Kunder got the chance to tell Shah Rukh Khan, “Thappad se darr nahin lagta saab, pyar se lagta hai." The tables may have actually turned. Shirish may have actually joined the likes of Karan Johar and hopped on to SRK’s bum-chums bandwagon. But then, there would have been no slap, no controversy and no jokes. All of a sudden the now infamous slap seems a lot more exciting. What the exact truth is on the SRK-Shirish Kunder slap story, we’ll never know. But I’ll say this, as much as I’m a declared (and crowned) SRK hater, I think he may have done the right thing by whacking Kunder.  Anyone who sports hair like that deserves a tight slap. However, keeping with my reputation of hating on the thug ala SRK, here’s a different angle to the situation. Since SRK has become the official slapper of the industry, I can’t help but wonder which stars would love to give King Khan a smack…or two.

Gauri Khan
Every wife at some point in time wants to slap their husband. I’m sure Gauri is one of those wives. The poor woman is probably so damn confused!  Who wouldn’t be? She could barely get her head around figuring out whether her husband was batting for the “other” team and here she is now dealing with rumors of her husband supposedly getting down with Priyanka Chopra. Perhaps a slap will knock some sense into her hubby.

Salman Khan
I’m sure Sallu miyan’s hand is itching to smack SRK; even if it’s one zor ka jhaapad. The duo cannot even stand to be in the same area as one another after their dosti went sour a few years ago. However, post the Kunder incident, where apparently Farah’s husband was heard referring to Salman a few times during the heated argument with SRK, you can be sure he’s waiting to get his hands on SRK.

Shahid Kapoor
Apparently, it was SRK who created many a rifts between Shahid Kapoor and his belle Priyanka Chopra. The reason? Cause he most likely wanted Piggy Chopps for himself, duh! Think Shahid wouldn’t mind taking a quick blow at the Don? I think so.

Juhi Chawla
She is one of his oldest friends and in recent times, Juhi Chawla, who stood by SRK through his thick and thin days, has been sidelined by the actor. Word has it that she’s so pissed off by how he practically ignores him now and thus, has decided to publicly oust him. She for one is probably fuming at the King. A red hot mirchi-filled thaapad looks like it’s on its way.

Sourav Ganguly
Dada is hardly one to slap anyone. But he does own many a cricket bat ergo SRK should be worried cause a cricket bat beating is far more painful than a mere slap. The owner of the Kolkatta Knightriders has in the past diminished Sourav Ganguly’s presence and revoked his captaincy only to falter. And while Sourav has yet to come out and scream about the incident, Dada and all of Bengal wouldn’t mind slapping him.

Shirish Kunder
Yeah, the slapee probably wants to get back at the slapper, no? While Shirish has claimed that he will not be taking this abuse to the cops, he still maintains his airy ways and is digging all the attention he is receiving vis-à-vis the slap. In fact, he should be thanking SRK for the popularity; otherwise Shirish was known for making flop films and of course, as Mr. Farah Khan. But yes, revenge will be on the Joker’s mind.

Okay SRK fans, I bear my cross. Peace. <Runs>

Bollywood Hungama blog link: If SRK Got Slapped....

Bollywood in 2012: Biggies to Avoid!

I wish I could sit here and gush about all the films you should watch in 2012. But I’m hardly a kiss ass. The mere fact that I actually liked a Karan Johar production, Agneepath, is making me question my taste. I think it’s the blood and gore that is normally absent in cliché K Jo productions, which allowed me to fully enjoy Agneepath. Anyway, so there are a bunch of films headed your way this year. While most of them will house big honcho stars, this is hardly a good enough reason to watch them. In fact, there are a bunch of films which are going to plummet at the box office irrespective of the actors. This is where I come to your rescue. You see, I’ll see all these films next year—I'm a sad Bollywood buff clearly. But here are the films I’m dreading this year. And if you’re stumped for time, these are a few films you should probably avoid; in my opinion at least.

Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu

Is it me or does Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu possess the I Hate Luv Storys vibe? And if that is indeed the case, this is going to be one helluva cheese fest. Imran Khan is hardly one of the most talented actors we have which means we’d have to depend on Kareena Kapoor to do most of the acting here. And if that is the case, then I’d much rather see her in a film that holds more substance. There is really only one reason to watch the film; the title song. FYI, this is a Karan Johar production. Need I say more?

Ekk Deewana Tha
I’m sorry but why on earth would anyone give ham king stoned face Prateik Babbar his own film? And who is Amy Jackson? Enough said.

Jodi Breakers
For starters, Bipasha Basu needs to quit already. We’re so done seeing her rack, legs and navel over and over again. We get it; she lacks talent and thus makes up for it by exposing her more endowed parts. And then there is R. Madhavan whom I love, but something about his jodi with Basu makes this film look rather red light district-ish. I’m not sure what the makers were thinking but when I saw the first look, I swear I thought the film was about a pimp and his harlot. The latter being Bipasha, of course.

Agent Vinod
I absolutely love Bebo and Saifu (Saif Ali Khan) but I am incredibly skeptical about Agent Vinod. For the sake of Saif, I hope I get to eat my own words but for now, courtesy of the choppy, rather iffy promo, this one looks like it isn’t going to work.

Kyaa Super Kool Hai Hum
As if the prequel wasn’t bad enough, we’re treated to a sequel. So what can you expect? Sleaze, sex and Tusshar Kapoor. And I’m sorry but anytime Cool is spelt with a ‘K”, it deserves to be canned and avoided.

Dangerous Ishq
I absolutely adore Karisma Kapoor and I’m psyched to see her back on screen but Vikram Bhatt? And a 3-D film? I’m very worried. Known for his rather eccentric ways, Bhatt is hardly one who makes films that are exciting but more odd and obscure. Examples: Red: The Dark Side (did you see that one?) and Shaapit (or this?).

Tere Meri Kahani
Priyanka Chopra + Shahid Kapoor = Chaos. And I believe this has a lot to do with their on and off relationship in real life. But add some Kunal Kohli to the mix and what you have is a recipe for disaster. Oh and this film follows the lovers over a long (and I mean really long) period of time. Mausam anyone?

Joker
Shirish Kunder is an odd one, no? I’m not sure if he’s just one of “those” directors or he’s ahead of his time but either way, we don’t get it. With Joker, he seems to already believe he has a hit on his hand but the title of the film itself makes me cringe with fear. And then there is the Akshay Kumar factor. Lately, he’s been hamming a lot. In the end someone will be a Joker. Question is, will it be us or them?

Ferrari Ki Sawaari
Yeah, this one screams boring. Don’t believe me, please YouTube the promo.

Jism 2
I don’t care how much the men of India love Sunny Leone, she is not an actress. And while a film like Jism hardly requires the lead heroine to “act”, you do need to recite lines and emote. This porn star can barely work a pole, and she has a film. Psshhh.

So that’s my list; my call; my take. I’ll be watching all of the above and the rest but if you’re looking to catch only the best of 2012, pliss to be avoiding the above.

Pura Review: Agneepath

If you remember a few months ago, I complained and ranted about how much I detested remakes and sequels. It just makes zero sense to me. Are our filmmakers incompetent of making original films? In a country of over one billion, are we incapable of stirring up innovative plots? But what does anyone care about what I say. A lot of the time, what filmmakers deem a “remake” is actually an adaptation. And that is exactly what Karan Johar’s Agneepath is. So now because it is a variation of the original, it would be totally unfair to make comparisons be it the performances or script. In all honesty, I was completely skeptical of Agneepath in 2012. How on earth anyone could want to recreate an epic cult film? More importantly, why?

This is why.

The film is not as different yet slightly altered from the original. Vijay Chauhan (Hrithik Roshan) is just another regular boy from Mandwa whose father, the village master, lives by rules of karma and dharma. However, when he is framed and hung to death by the local ravaan Kancha (Sanjay Dutt), Vijay finds himself devoid of any of his father’s teachings as he promises to take revenge. His family moves to Mumbai where he is taken under the wing of one Rauf Lala (Rishi Kapoor). Over time, he grows to become a man who is eager to get revenge but not through Lala; solo. He schemes to take down his godfather’s family and reign as he moves to the top only to kill Kancha. In between, he seeks solace in the arms of his childhood friend, Kaali (Priyanka Chopra) who supports, marries and loves him to death.

Agneepath in 2012 is the 1990 version, only refined. It has every component of a nineties film—revenge, love, action. It puts you in a modern time capsule for three hours as it correctly attacks every emotion which makes the average Indian viewer tear via the mother-son discord and love story.

As a film, Agneepath is fabulously executed and filmed. You are pulled into a world which is filled with love and hate, retribution and justice, chaos and peace. Every scene of the film is shot beautifully, be it the chawls and slums of Mumbai or the island of Mandwa. Karan Malhotra’s vision and implementation of the film and stars too, is impeccable. His version of Agneepath is original and yet pays great respect to the Amitabh version. But what comes across very clearly is how he has cleverly adapted his film to the current rage of over-the-top melodrama films with the dialogues and action sequences. Look beyond the superficial surface, and Agneepath is filled with great nuances too. The reference to the Ramayana comes across instantly as Mandwa is painted a dark hell, Mumbai is bright, filled with life and love followed by the good over evil track. Malhotra knows this well and is definitely an aficionado the masala genre.

Agneepath belongs to Hrithik Roshan. We often connote great acting with dialogues and drama. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, Hrithik speaks perhaps all of three pages of the script. However, his acting comes through the flaring of his nostrils, his blood shot teared eyes, his intensity, his body language and yes, through his delivery of the character. Add to that how that he is still as hot as they get, and boom, he wins with Agneepath. There is no long hauled dialogue for him neither is his drunk scene one that will go down in history but you will walk out of the cinema calling Agneepath one of his best performances ever. There is also, no mimicking of Bachchan Senior. This is his interpretation of the character.

And then there is Rishi Kapoor who scores as Rauf Lala. He works the evil into the character so darn well. A phenomenal performance. Sanjay Dutt is flawless as Kancha. He’s ugly, dark, grey and dirty just as you would expect him to be. He takes the cake when it comes to dialogues in the film and works Kancha into a great villain. Om Puri is as usual awesome and deserves a mention because he is rarely appreciated. Priyanka Chopra is apt but hams slightly in her small role which in my opinion could have been played by any other small actress. However, marketing works well in Bollywood. By adding Chopra to the film, the star power of the film increases.

So where does the film falter? Tomato ketchup. The gore and blood flows from beginning to end which makes you wonder how much ketchup was used. While the film excels in the first half, it falls a tad bit in the second; at some points it seems hurried. The music is also a letdown. Yes, Chikni Chameli is fantabulous as well as the Ganesh number. The rest is average minus the background music which is haunting but loud. And then there is the length—it’s too freakin’ long. Too long. So much so that it’s slightly exhausting.

In the end, Agneepath is a good watch because of Roshan. He packs a punch and works it. In fact, you almost cannot imagine anyone else playing Chauhan in this version of the film. I have to hand it to KJo, whom I normally hate on, with this one, he's redeemed himself. But only slightly. Agneepath is the old stuff in new fancy glossy packaging. This, guys and dolls, is exactly how you do a remake.

Footnote: Here's the deal for 2012. Films that are wicked, will get a Pura Review while the useless ones will get a mere 100 Word Review. Fair, na? 

Oh Ho, Bollywood!

The Khela Awards: These are real!

You know how I have this love-hate relationship with Bollywood? Yeah, basically I’m in a detest can’t-stand-you frame of mind with Bwood right now. It just doesn’t fail to irk me every few weeks. For starters, this happens to be the worst time of the year: award season. Great. So now, we’ll see over a dozen award ceremonies which will display the same shindig over and over again. Vidya will bag the best actress awards while others will split between Ranbir and Shah Rukh Khan – depending on which award function he hosts and so on. Bollywood ke raajneeti ka kya kehna? And then the dances, the clothes, the controversies, blah blah blah; it’s just such a hassle. Uff! Yes, in this aspect, I’m a hater. I hate on Bollywood award functions. In my opinion, they all should be banned. It’s no surprise Aamir Khan prefers to sit at home rather than attend any of these useless shows. This is the one time I prefer the west and their award functions over our lackluster ceremonies. At least there’s no nonsense with them. The stars attend wearing elegant clothes (no paan chewing, chappals wearing or tieless heroes here), win awards, speak for a quick minute and bounce. They last all of two hours. Anyone else find them uber super boring?  

And if that isn’t enough, here’s the latest on John Abraham and his new beau Priya something-or-another. Apparently, the very hot Abraham fell for his new girlfriend while he was seeing Bipasha. I just have one question: so what? Whoever said Bipasha was the ideal girlfriend? Everyone knows she was out painting the town red with a number of guys from all over the globe. And all this, by the way, while she was with John Abraham. So if her eyes, mind, body and lips can wander, why can’t his? C’mon people, we live in a chalta hai world. This should hardly be controversial.

Then there is all this hoopla over Sonam Kapoor dropping the F-bomb on Twitter. Okay, so I don’t love the girl, but are you kidding me? To all those of you who are sitting and judging her for using the word “fuck” (yes I said it, sue me already), I suggest you really stay at home and lock yourselves in your closet. It’s fine if you don’t use profanity but why is it a big deal if a wannabe actress says it? Normal people who have regular jobs use it on a minute to minute basis, no issues there. Please don’t even sit and tell me that just because she’s a celeb, she can’t use it. Sonam Kapoor is not washed in milk. She used a word which every judgmental person out there has used at one point in time. Nor does the Kapoor girl claim to be the ideal citizen or a role model, and if you regard her as your “idol” then really you need help anyway. This is the first time, and last time, I’ll side with Sonam Kapoor, but grow the eff up people.

Next week we’ll be “treated” to Karan Johar’s adaptation of Agneepath. I’ve been called a KJo hater— which I am, I’ll admit it. And thus, this is one film I am not at all looking forward to. The music so far has been rather average and I’m a bit worried about Hrithik in this film. I know he’ll do his thing but even then, comparisons to the great Amitabh Bachchan are inevitable. However, the real reason to watch the film seems to be Sanjay Dutt. I’d watch out for him— this film is going to change his stance in the industry; that’s my prediction.

With that I’m all Bollywooded out. Shutter down, dhukhaan bandh.

100 Word Review: Ladies v/s Ricky Bahl

Ladies v/s Ricky Bahl is about a con that fools a bunch of girls—they deserved to be fooled, and eventually the girls gang up to take revenge through a pawn. The con falls in love in the bargain, and decides to mend his ways. In one word, the film is appalling. And cheesy. The only real reason to watch the film is for Parineeti Chopra, who is fabulous and funny. Ranveer is OTT, Anushka is the usual and awfully skinny (anorexic status?). The screenplay is such a drag, it makes you question Maneesh Sharma’s talent, sadly. Pliss to avoid.