The Worst of Bollywood in 2012!

We’re all about celebrating the best in Bollywood. But the best is so overrated. We really don’t pay enough attention to what didn’t work, what failed, flopped and the worst of the year. This year, we want to take a few minutes to give thanks to the people who helped us realize the best from the worst. Thank you for taking the effort to create….disaster!

Worst Hair
What the otherwise pretty Tanushree Dutta was thinking when she chopped her long tresses for this rather obscure cut, is beyond anyone. Her reasons are personal and spiritual but for an actress who is known for being quite fashionable, this was one big major fashion faux pas on her part. Here’s hoping she goes back to a more stylish one that isn’t so weird.

Worst Comeback
Sorry Karisma Kapoor, but your straight face and non expressive acting really didn’t cut in your comeback film Dangerous Ishq. There was nothing dangerous about the film except the wretchedly boring story and your impact-less acting. For a powerhouse actress who in the past, has jutted out some of the most fiery and top notch performances in the industry, what a letdown.

Worst Lyrics of the Year
In an equal two-way tie, it’s Po-Po-Po from Son of Sardar and Ishq Wala Love from Student of the Year that take the cake for the worst lyrics of 2012. If you actually sit to listen to the both of them, you may want to shoot the lyricists for writing such horrendous lyrics. What on earth ‘po-po-po’ means, is beyond a normal persons intellectual understanding. But the bigger question is, what other means of love are there besides ‘ishq wala love’? It’s like saying water wala ice! Note to lyricists: we are intelligent beings. Please do not insult our intelligence.

Most Irritating Song of the Year
Son of Sardar’s title song has to be not only the most irritating song of the year, but of the decade even. The song refuses to make any sense, is choreographed horrendously and cannot seem to leave your head once you hear it!

Worst Hollywood Rip Off of the Year
It’s bad enough that we seem to lack enough inspiration in India that, we need to look west for remakes and rip offs, but the fact that we make them so damn badly really is disturbing. This year we were given Players, The Italian Job remake, starring all the worst actors in India. And while you make have expected it to be watchable, it was just the opposite. Boring, useless and heavily infused with bad performances, Players makes The Italian Job look like it should have been nominated for an Oscar!

Worst Jodi of the Year
We can barely manage Bipasha Basu on her own and then you go and pair her up with R. Madhavan. Mayhem! In Jodi Breakers, the duo came together for the first time as people who are looking to break up couples. In reality, the only jodi that needed to be broken was theirs. Lack of chemistry, an overweight Maddy and a-sexy-try-hard Bipasha who really needs to let it go already makes their jodi one of the worst in the history of mankind.

Dumbest Controversy of 2012
Aside from all the Shah Rukh Khan hoopla that occurred this year, it was the Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s post pregnancy weight gain drama that somehow caught the eye of the paparazzi only to be blown extremely out of proportion. They speculated, mocked, poked fun and called her all sorts of names. Clearly, the media had nothing else of importance to discuss.

Worst Item Number
Congratulations Kareena Kapoor! You win the award for the worst item number this year vis-à-vis Dil Mera Muft from Agent Vinod. So here’s the deal. She’s hot and a fabulous actress but Bebo is hardly the best dancer in the industry. And then you put her in a mujhra number? It spells disaster from the get-go. In an attempt to appear ‘different’, Bebo comes out looking rather silly and totally ruins the mujhra mood.

Worst Sequel
The deal with sequels is simple: don’t make them. While her television serials may go on for years, Ekta Kapoor needs to understand that films are a totally different ball game. When Kya Super Kool Hai Hum released, we knew it was going to be a total leave-your-brains-at-home film. But what we didn’t realize was the extent of nonsense that was going to be thrown our way. A sequel which makes the original look bad; that is Kya Super Kool Hai Hum.

Worst Onscreen Kiss
Why Katrina Kaif needed to kiss Shah Rukh Khan so many damn times in Jab Tak Hai Jaan, no one knows. But at least make the kiss somewhat believable! SRK has proven that he may be able to romance any actress onscreen, but the man cannot kiss. Let’s leave the smooching to Emraan Hashmi, please.

Worst Actress
Dear Farah Khan, you are not an actress. Shirin Farad Ki Nikhal Padi is enough evidence. You are barely a director. Please stick to choreography.

Worst Actor
For an actor that can really wow you with his performances, Ajay Devgn really failed with Son of Sardar. He failed to make us laugh, make us garner any interest in the film and failed to entertain. In what looked like a spoofy piece of acting, Ajay fell flat on his face with SoS. Definitely a performance he’d like to forget.

Worst Film
Shirish Kunder found himself in quite a tight spot with Joker. For starters, he believed he had a hit on his hands and thus, went on to make fun of Ra.One only to get slapped by SRK. Then Akshay Kumar decided to stay away from the sci-fi flick and when it hit cinemas, the only people who saw the film was most likely aliens who sat in their invisible form. A flop on all accounts and by far one of the silliest films to be made in Bollywood, Joker wins top prize at this ‘Award Function’.

~
First published Bollywood Hungama, December 28th, 2012

Oprah Winfrey: An Idiot Abroad!

Hands Off!

Dear Oprah Didi,

Before I start to tell you how stupid you are, I just want to ask you one quick question: Tere kya dimaag karaab ho gaya hai? Are you nuts? In a way I can understand. You’re from America, na? You lot are so ignorant. You eat sandwiches with a fork and knife. Poor us, we’re still living in the 17th century, you see. We still eat with our hands. No, no, it has nothing to do with traditions <insert sarcasm here>.

Let me educate you, cause it seems like you need it, Didi. You see we eat with our hands because we are not ashamed to sit and enjoy our food. As children, we are taught of the simplicities of life. Eating with our hands is one way in which we are able to fully engage in using all our senses while we indulge in our daily meals. So yes, Oprah Didi, we STILL use our hands to eat and you know what? We’ll probably do it forever. I’m more curious to know how you eat your fried chicken, pizzas and burgers. It’s rather sad that you associate how we eat with our progression as a country. Shame, Didi, shame.

I refuse to sit here and talk about how stupidly you depicted yourself and the western world via your show. We’re already used to the stereotypes that the west associates with India – we have cows everywhere, we’re poor, all of India is a slum, blah blah. But if you, a person who claims to be open-minded, unbiased, well-educated philanthropist, can make such immature comments, then really, I have no hope for the rest of the western world. By making such an ignorant and tacky statement, you’ve insulted India as a nation and as a culture too.

Your insensitive remarks on how a home in a slum begins before it ends made me yawn. Really? You think we’d be offended by that? Spare us. We know you westerners think India made up of nonstop slums and poverty. But let me tell you this. The family you visited in a tiny hole they call their home, is probably 20 times happier than you’ll ever be in your multimillion dollar mansion. In India, we don’t denote happiness and love with the size of our homes; we correlate our joys with our family unit.

But what really surprises me is that you, an African-American, who knows what exactly what it feels like to be a victim of racial profiling and stereotypes, has actually made such disgusting statements. Maybe we expected you to be more sensitive of our culture but you failed and how. So from now on, whenever African-Americans are projected in the wrong light, i.e. they’re all drug addicts, etc, I too am going to shrug my shoulders and pull an Oprah Winfrey: “Aren’t all African-Americans drug addicts…STILL?”

Just some FYI: we STILL eat with our hands, we STILL engage in arranged marriages, we STILL live in joint families and among many other things, cows STILL roam our streets. But you know what? We like it that way. In fact, we love it that way.

Also, by mingling with Bollywood stars and wearing designer saris, you don’t get even a slight inkling of experiencing the real India. Uhh and also, Ash and Abhi probably also STILL eat with their hands.

Peace out,
A-Desi-Girl-Who-STILL-Eats-With-Her-Hands

The Bollywood Spit Chain!

In Bollywood, the phrase, “What’s yours in mine,” applies in every which way. Sometimes its films; other times, its people. It’s as though our stars love to play Pass the Parcel with regards to the special ones in their lives of course. And so if actress A is seen in the bahon mein of actor B, very shortly after, she can be seen in the arms of actor C too. Growing up in school, we adopted a Spit Chain theory. Via this funda, we were able theoretically determine which of our mates had “swapped spit” unknowingly. When it comes to our Bollywood stars, they happen to be rock stars on screen and even in the chain. While in some instances, the chain can get complicated (read: knotted and how), it is interesting to see how many of our favorite celebs are spittingly connected to one another.

Kareena-Shahid-Bipasha
This one is hot off the press. While Kareena Kapoor’s most grandest performance has been her rendition of Geet in Jab We Met with Shahid Kapur, it was her relationship with her co-star which had tongues a-wagging. However it was very quickly after JWM that their relationship came it an end. The actors then moved on to other people. Bebo found solace in the arms of Saif Ali Khan while Shahid was seen out and about with a bunch of ladies. But more recently, he’s been spotted with love bites courtesy of his latest lady love, one Bipasha Basu. After her breakup with John Abraham, the fate of Bips’ love life was rather misconstrued. However, Shahid and Bipasha, have chosen to keep their newbie relationship on the
down-low…for now at least. And in more recent news, Bips has supposedly moved onto Rana Daggubati. Oh Bips, how quick she moves.

Nitty-Gritty’s: Bipasha and Saif have been said to been seeing each other at one point while Bips and Bebo haven’t seen eye-to-eye on too many occasions.

Karisma-Abhishek-Ash-Salman
Karisma Kapoor and Abhishek Bachchan were the golden couple in Bollywood after they announced their engagement. However, their engagement saw the same fate as their movies together: flop. While Karisma went on to move on from Abhishek to one Delhi industrialist, Bachchan junior found himself gravitating towards a newly singled Aishwarya Rai. She of course, had gotten out of a controversial relationship with Salman Khan and Vivek Oberoi. Very quickly, shading from the media’s glare, they indulged in quite a romantic relationship and soon, found themselves marrying with a baby on the way.

Nitty-Gritty’s: Salman Khan and Karisma Kapoor happen to be incredibly good friends and have starred in a number of hit films together.

Raveena-Shilpa-Akshay-Twinkle (with a pinch of Priyanka)
Back in the nineties, it was Raveena Tandon and Akshay Kumar who were happening in Tinseltown. Their raunchy dance numbers and many films together had people talking and how. Rumors even spoke of a hidden marriage between the two. However, all fell apart with Raveena choosing to marry an industrialist while Akshay moved on to the very svelte Shilpa Shetty. In a hush-hush relationship, they danced to a Chura Ke Dil Mera until overnight Akshay appeared on stage married to Twinkle Khanna. Shilpa became a thing of the past. But it was not all blissful sadly. Twinkle and Akshay appeared to be hunky dory until Priyanka Chopra entered the filmy scene…and Akshay’s life. A sizzling affair between the two began until he was caught red-handed by his wifey and thus, quickly decided to lead a life of ghulaami.

Nitty-Gritty’s: In between Raveena and Shilpa, Akshay was seen out and about with Pooja Batra too.

Ranbir: Sonam-Deepika-Katrina-Nargis and so on...
Now where to start with Ranbir Kapoor’s Spit Chain? His starts far beyond anyone can even remember! As far my Bollywood memory can take me back, he’s been seen smooching nearly every heroine of his. It all started with his first co-star Sonam Kapoor. Now the duo have gone on to say they never had a love relationship. “We grew up together!” they said in unison. And then Ranbir was in a full-fledged pyar with the long legged Deepika Padukone. They were seen everywhere together until she wanted more; shaadi that is. He said, “No!” and waved adios. Moving on swiftly, he found himself in the company of Katrina Kaif. Yet again a round of, “We’re just friends!” happened. We yawned until he grew bored of her and then he was seen chilling on the sets of an upcoming film with newbie costar, Nargis Fakhri.

Nitty-Gritty’s: Supposedly there have been a couple of gals in between. But who’s keeping count?

Emraan Hashmi: He in himself is an institution in the world of The Spit Chain. The actor has swapped saliva with so many actresses, it really is hard to keep track. Thus, the kissing/serial kisser takes the cake and cherry when it comes to The Spit Chain and so, courtesy of Emraan Hashmi, the entire industry has practically kissed on another.

Nitty-Gritty's: Mallika Sherawat claims Hashmi isn't such a fab kisser after all but who believes her....right?

Russell Peters: Moron Number One

The worst people on this planet are wannabe hypocrites. They not only make my blood boil but in my mind, they should be burned at the stake. And currently, one such person whom I believe should really jump in a well so deep that no one will hear him when feisty Indian water snakes bite him, is Russell Peters. See I’ve never been a huge fan of his. Yes yes, he’s funny when he goes, “Somebody gonna get a hurt – blah blah,” but gimme something else dude. It’s fine that you make fun of your culture, fine that you find it hilarious to stand on stage and poke fun at everyone else, and it’s also fine that you call Bollywood ‘garbage’. But then don’t turn around and act in a Bollywood film you moron. I mean c’mon.

He hates Bollywood, calls all the “thousands” of actors nothing but pretty faces who, and I quote, “cannot act to save their lives.” I wonder how this comment sat with Speedy Singhs producer, Akshay Kumar. But that’s not even the worst part. But hello, has he looked in mirror? He looks like an Oompa Loompa to me. The straight up fool, I mean standup comedian, has the audacity to claim that his debut film, “Speedy Singhs” is not a Bollywood film. Then what is it? A French film? What part of Speedy Singhs does not scream Bollywood? Music, dance, drama, Akshay Kumar as producer. Uh hello nut job, this is as Bollywood as it gets. No but wait, wait, in his words, it’s just a film with “Indian actors”. Where’s the nearest Kendriya Vidyalaya? This guy needs a good education which he didn’t obviously get in Canada. Don’t worry Russell, our Vidyalaya will take care of that.

FYI: Oompa Loompa

Look, I’m not saying you need to love Bollywood. I understand that there is a huge chunk of the Desi population who don’t like Hindi films. Yes, they can be cheesy, over-the-top and so on. It works for me but not necessarily everyone else. So fine. You don’t like, so you make a mockery. No worries. But then, Mr. Russell Peters, please spare us with your presence in a Bollywood film. Trust me, Speedy Singhs is not gonna do anything for your career or the box office. You are and will always will be, a stage comedian. Bollywood does not want you or care for you darling.

I needed a reason to convince people to boycott Speedy Singhs. Your little hissy-fit has provided me reason and ammo. And if this is a publicity stunt, well then I think your little plan may have backfired. Ain’t nobody gonna watch the film anyway.

You’ve caused enough drama for yourself with your hatred comments toward Bollywood and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s pregnancy. If I were you, I’d run on back home to Canada where people find you funny. What a sad case it is for you when you come home to your roots only to be treated with gaalis. You do realize we pretty much hate you now, right? If you're one of those lost confused Desis who believe they need to find their roots, then do it correctly dude. Your confused Desi friends will tell you, the only way to find your roots is to backpack all over India. Apparently, this is only way. Somehow, miraculously, you'll find your so-called roots and feel like you belong. <Please insert rolling eyes emoticon here> 

Man, you’ve pissed me off so much with your immature, shameless, cheap, disgusting comments, that I really hope the Shiv Sena hunts you down, ties you to a chair and forces you to watch the cheesiest Hindi films ever made. Until then, march on home jerk-off.

P.S. If you do eventually want to star in a Bollywood film, David Dhawan will be more than happy to cast you in and as Moron Number One. 

Bollywood: Hai Tamasha!

Is she? Is she not?

I love Bollywood. I love it for the stereotypes, the prejudices, the forgery and especially for the drama. Lately, we've been hit with heaps of high drama from my favorite film industry. From Ash's pregnancy to Uday Chopra deciding to call it quits in films and Amisha-Bipasha's feud over wearing similar dresses at the IIFA this year. Either way, it makes my masala-filled mind work overtime, as I try and figure out why there is so much gosh darn high or haiiii, tamasha!

Let's start at the top. So Aishwarya Rai Bachchan is preggos. A stalk (what is a Desi stalk called by the way?) will visit the Bachchan's home in four months from now. Hold on a minute. Four months? So Ash has been tugging her little one along for five months now? Uh, okay. So basically, she knew she was going to be a Mommy when she signed on Heroine and when she out in Cannes promoting the film. Does anyone else all of a sudden see why Madhur Bandarkar might be a wee bit upset? I do. I've always said that Ash is a pro-manipulator. She can work her charm, plastic charm that is, but really, being so selfish in life is a new side to Ash. It really makes me question her priorities: motherhood or fame?  But what I cannot understand is where all this "pregnancy discrimination" is coming from. She is with child! How on earth does anyone expect to see her act in a film while she's piling on motherhood pounds? In fact, if anything, she should be opting out from the film herself or, madame Ash, you shouldn't have signed on the film in the first place! As for rumors of her being seen at an IVF clinic in Bangkok which specializes in ensuring baby boys, well, I don't know what to say about that. I understand the need for her to produce a male heir to the "throne" and we all know her womb is slightly old, she is in her late thirties, but a clinic? Really?

Monkey Chopra

Havoc broke all over Twitter when Uday Chopra, yes "the" U.C., announced that Dhoom 3 was going to be his last film. Twitter erupted into utter chaos. "Why! Why?" they questioned, "Why was he doing this to us?" No one could understand why the youngest Chopra was quitting films. So devastated was Twitter by this announcement, he actually began to trend clearly indicating that no matter how small (or big) your news is, if people care enough, you will trend. With his declaration, ends an era in Hindi films. What does his retirement mean for Hindi cinema? For starters, the YashRaj officially has no acting heir to their kingdom. They were counting on Uday to take the family name ahead with his acting "talents". However, it wasn't meant to be. The curtains fell rather quickly for U.C. But who will we poke fun at? The thought of having no Uday to sit and laugh at during films that he made for himself, well, that is so unfair. He didn't even think about us before deciding to quit. Haiii. I guess if we ever do "miss" Uday, we could pop in Pyaar Impossible; that one never grows old. For now though, it's shutter down, dhukand bandh for U.C.

Wonder if they remember
these days....

And as for, the Amisha-Bipasha dress ordeal, I vaguely remember the girls indulging in major beef back in the day. Maybe this is Bollywood God's way of telling you girls to let it go. How much will you ladki's fight anyway? So you wore similar dresses. It's not as though anyone was looking at you both. Let's face it; Amisha's career is DOA while Bips' is headed the same direction. My advice, Amisha no one cares about you, so let it go. Bipasha, cut the crap, kiss and make up; you're gonna need a few friends now since films ain't working for you and Amisha looks like she could be your best bet.

Hai Ram; the tamashas! Amidst the grueling heat, all this talk of drama really makes you want to indulge in an ice cool Limca or some chickoo kulfi. But since, I'm stuck on the wrong side of the world, I'll make do with some ice cold water, limboo maar ke.

Bollywood in Phoren!

Sonam Kap-who:
B'Towns style connoisseur

Every time I write a critical piece on Bollywood, I have to sit and re-iterate that I am a hard core, huge, gigantic, humongous and the most dedicated, Bollywood fan. Hindi cinema and filminess runs through my veins, my blood, my soul. I swear. Whenever possible, I translate Hindi dialogues into English and use it in my daily life. Still not convinced? Okay get this. When my name is called, I pull a complete Bollywood moment as I turn on my heel and swing my hair in full Bollywood style as I answer with a Rajshri, "Jee!" Now are you convinced? Good.

Aish-Who-Are-Ya:
Cannes Veteran

Now getting to what I want to intend to debate, if you choose to call this piece a debate. It's more of reality check, I believe. See, here's the problem. I prefer Shah Rukh Khan (even though I'm not a fan), over Tom Cruise. I prefer Aishwarya Rai Bachchan (yeah, not a fan again) over Angelina Jolie. Why you ask? Well, because they're from apna Bollywood! But let's be real, while they happen to be popular in India, worshipped and all that, they are nobodies abroad. And yet, SRK is the most popular star in the world - even bigger than his Hollywood counterpart, Tom Cruise, apparently. Why? Well, the Indian population is pretty dense all over the world, and we happen to inhabit every nook and cranny on the globe. And while we migrate, populate and earn moolah by the buckets, we take our love for Bollywood with us. So it shouldn't really shock you that SRK has more fans.

Mallika Shera-wha:
Zero impact!

But really, anytime our Bollywood stars attend any international film festivals or events, they are hardly even noticed. Case in point: Cannes 2011. It was bought to my attention via Hindustan Times, that no one knows who the hell they are! They may be pictured wearing their finest international designer wear, may strut their fancy shoe wear on the Red Carpet, but who knows them? Personne; koi nahin; no one. How were they named? With terms like "unidentified guest" and the likes of it. In fact, the foreign media is so confused by our Bollywood stars, that they even mix up their names up! Minisha Lamba, (uh, what was she doing there?) was thought to be Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. "Wha? Kya?" you ask. "Kahan Ash, Kahan Minisha!" But the truth remains that ultimately they are anonymous people on the international carpets. This includes Ash, who despite being a Cannes veteran (10 years and running), attends annually and has even starred in some Hollywood (read: flopped) films, is still unknown. And Mallika Sherawat, who created quite a lot of 'Hissing' noises at festival last year, literally begged for attention with her see-through couture dress this time around only to receive zero recognition.

Saif Ali Kaun:
My Name is Khan!

My question is simple: why do they go? Mahesh Bhatt answered it perfectly: "Party-hopping." I couldn't agree more. But would you attend a party you were invited to even though you knew you'd be ignored? I don't think any dignified person would. What does that make our stars? Conformers. They go cause it's the "cool" thing to do in India.When top-notch Hollywood stars all attend in tow, how can our Desi celebs be left far behind. Nahin, nahin; they too must flock. If you ask me, some attend hoping they'll get a Hollywood film - yeah, right. And then there is the the media; make that the Indian media, who goes hyper when the our celebs go to phoren places. So we sit from afar admiring their clothes, their hair, their shoes but the ultimate deal is simple: Aish-who-are-ya? Sonam Kap-who? Saif Ali Kaun? Mallika Shera-wha? No one at Cannes knows (or cares about) them!

Why India Could Never Have a Royal Wedding

And with that, they were married. Yes, the Royal Wedding of the century officially ended. Sigh. If you did manage to take a peek, you probably couldn't help but shed a tear at the regality and royalty that the wedding exhibited. Both Prince William (now Duke of Cambridge) and his new bride, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, looked, behaved and put on quite a majestic show. He was all smiles when he saw his blushing bride, calling her “beautiful” as she lifted her veil – very Bollywood, if I may say so, ghoonghat utka ke and all that jazz. As for her, wow, she really looked like a princess. But what worked the most for me was their youthfulness. They are not your traditional prince and commoner-turned-princess. Hardly. They dated eight years, co-habitated and then, finally, after she had been exposed to what could be her life, amidst the media and paparazzi, the Prince decided she was indeed, the one. We wanted a complete British imperial noble display, and we got it penny for penny. What was lacking? Lady Diana. Her presence was sorely missed. She would have been so proud to see her eldest son take a wife. You can be sure amidst all the "properness", Lady Di would have hugged her son and new daughter-in-law, a sight we, the audiences didn’t see once the nuptials were over. But somehow, you could feel her spirit was all around; abundant blessings for her son. And the Sun God too decided to shower his blessings on the couple – it actually made an appearance in April!

All this talk about shaadi made me wonder if we, in India, could pull off such a wedding? Amongst all the pomp and glory, there were a number of factors that really made the William-Kate perfect. Could India do the same? Here’s what they’d need to face.

The Big Ben Factor

I don’t care what anyone says about the British and their stern ways but they are one hell of an organized society. Every minute detail was taken care of at the wedding; especially the program and timing. The ceremony was scheduled to begin at 11 a.m. sharp. And it did. The Princes arrived followed by Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla who were scheduled to leave at 10:38 a.m. Guess what? Their cars rolled out of their driveway at precisely that time. Not even a millisecond late.

This would not work at all in India. It would literally be impossible for any couple (royal or celebrity) to arrive at their mandap promptly. No chance. If it isn’t the security or the traffic, it’s just not in our bleedin’ blood! You cannot expect the bride to be on time – even if she is ready on time, she’ll find a reason to come late. And while we may look at it as being fashionably late, you have to admit that a delay of more than 10 minutes is hardly chic; it’s tacky and impolite. And while we do it, the British frown upon latecomers. Tut-tut.

The Organization

The entire ceremony, the schedule, the service; all of it was perfect. There was no error; not a single mistake. Even the bride, who portrayed herself with complete dignity and poise, failed to falter at any point. From the minute the celebration began to the end, and even the surprise convertible ride the couple indulged in, it was all pomp and glory with no blunders.

Unfortunately in India, that really isn’t possible. There would be bloopers, faux pas’ and major lapses. We can barely get through a decent ceremony without some disorganization; a wedding of this magnitude would be terribly hard to organize, logistic-wise at least.

The Guests

There were 1,900 guests at Westminster Abbey. Most of them included some of the crème de la crème and most elite from British society, major politicians and international country officials. But the biggies were missing in action – sorry Madonna and Obama; you didn’t quite make the cut. Reason? The palace and local police were having enough of a security nightmare as they ensured the Royal Family was safe, the crowds weren’t going crazy and ensuring that mayhem didn’t break loose. Can you imagine if they had to deal with Obama attending the shabbang? Yeah, carnage! So instead, they decided, sorry Yankee President, you can stay right where you are. Not only that, but the guests weren’t given any formal seating. They were told to a group after which, it was up to them to choose their seats. None of this diplomatic seating plan jhanjat.

In India, this would be the biggest issue. Politicians and celebs always take center stage at all weddings. This means if any conflict are currently brewing issues in the political or starry world, it would be a nightmare trying to organize seating. After all, can’t have Shah Rukh Khan sitting by Salman Khan. And you can’t not invite them. That would be wrong, no? The media always follows where the stars are after all and so, they need to attend. Oh the spectacle!

The Outfits

What was the biggest kept secret of the William-Kate wedding? Her dress. We had no clue who the designer was, what the style was and how she was going to wear it. And when she finally revealed her stunning Sarah Burton lace number, we were gob smacked – at least I was. Every aspect of her presentation was kept a secret including her tiara.

What would be the biggest problem for any Indian royal (or celeb) bride? They could never keep the dish on their trousseau a secret. First of all, the designer wouldn’t be able to contain their excitement and if they magically did manage to, someone from their camp would reveal the details which would ultimately completely ruin the mystery of it all. In India, nothing can be kept a classified. True fact.

The Drama

There was zero nonsense leading up to the Royal Wedding. No ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends coming out with unknown details, no friends wanting attention, no secret lovers or illegitimate children for the bride or groom. It was simple and noble.

Cut to India. Remember when Abhishek Bachchan was about to tie the knot with Aishwarya Rai and how some random “commoner” (that’s what the British called people who are not blue blooded, i.e. from a royal background) came out to claim that she was Bachchan’s lover? Yes, that is the kind of hoopla we get in India. Everyone wants to get in on the hype. And the extent to which they are willing to stoop is rather sad.

Footnote: Apaprently, Abhi-Ash are the closest it comes to royalty in India - oh dear!

On the flip side, Check out Varun Gandhi's small Benares shinding; small, sweet and simple.

Listen I’m all about the Band’s, the Baaja’s and the Baaraat’s, and I love it Desi style too. The 3 to 4 days of nonstop dancing, banquets of food and the functions make it worthwhile. But there was something magical about watching William and Catherine walk down the aisle, ride their 1902 carriage and eventually kiss on the balcony. Yes, yes, it was regal (how many more times will I use that word?) but it also, quite simply put, lovely. Sadly, we don’t have too much royalty left in India, and the few royal families that are around, choose to have rather quiet intimate weddings. So we’ll have to make do with watching celebrities, politicians (kith and kin) and cricketers who are the equivalent to royalty in our country, do their thing when they jump into matrimony. But that’s how we like our shaadis; fun and frantic, crazy and chaotic. #ithappensonlyinIndia

Bollywood Venting Session!

I have a number of loves and while I can't choose between two of my biggest loves, Bollywood and Cricket, it doesn't mean I heart one more than the other. Equal pyar bhai. Both of them make me proud on days while they irk me on others. Either way, my dil goes dhak-dhak solely for them. And while I'm on a cricket high currently, I'm also on a Bollywood low. I'm not sure what's going on with Hindi film world, but right now they are doing a fab job of pissing me off. Some of what's going on in B-town is prevalent and now while other issues I have with the industry are simply ones that have been floating around in my head for a while. So here's a bit of a banter session which I need to vent about.

Chup Chup Ke Kyun?

What is up with a large population of our stars who to go on the defense with their relationship statuses'? It's almost become like a fad to keep everyone guessing about whether or not you are seeing person XYZ or not. How boring. Everyone from Shahid and Priyanka, Siddharth Mallya and Deepika to Anushka and Ranveer, seem to believe this "trend" is the way to go with relationship statuses' in Bollywood. And then it gets even worst! Bipasha and John, who couldn't stop praising and singing hymns of their compatibility, are clearly broken up now. But when instead of coming out and acknowledging that they are in fact over, they choose to take a "no comment" boring stand on the question. What's the problem Bips and John? You didn't tire of talking about each other when you were together, why the hush-hush break up? Will someone please tell all these stars that a) we don't care and 2) get over it. #epicfailbollywood

World Bigger than the Universe

I've had Sushmita Sen and Lara Dutta on my mind a lot lately. Don't get me wrong - I don't swing that way, although I do admit to claiming that Sush is the only woman in the world who could intelligently and sexily persuade me to jump the gun with her. Moving on swiftly now, I have a question for our not-so intelligent Bollywood folks: why is it our Miss World's seem to hog all the attention (and films) while our Miss Universes' seem to lag behind? Let's be a bit honest here. Ash may be more beautiful than Sush lookswise, but there has to be a reason why the latter was chosen as Miss Universe, no? Uh yeah, Sush is a million times more intelligent people! The same goes for Lara and Priyanka - although, I believe Lara is genuinely more prettier than Priyanka any day. However, Lara and Sush are by far smarter, wittier and more intelligent. However, Ash and Piggy reign far more supreme. Sad, we can't see intelligence and talent even for its true worth. #yetagainepicfailbollywood

Karan is Gone! 

Praise the lord, Karan Johar's show Koffee with Karan is seeing its seasons end! Thank you television gods for having mercy on us. This has been his worst season with stars at their fakest best. No one impressed or wowed; no one was interesting; no one decided, "Okay, I'm not gonna kiss butt". Everyone came on, rubbed each others backs and left. But it's the host, KJo who irritates me the most. I mean how annoying can you get? How much butt can you lick? And how many more times will you tell everyone how you've known Duggu and Bebo for years? We don't care. Please leave your coffee and never come back. #KaransKarvaKoffeeKaththum

Ahh! Now that makes me happy. Khunaas out, heart emptied, venting over. Shutter down, Dhukaan bandh!

(F)A(ke)ishwarya Rai!

I will never ever doubt Aishwarya Rai’s, now Bachchan, beauty; she is beyond exquisite. But will the real Aishwarya Rai please stand up? Ever since I can remember, Aishwarya Rai has been the epitome of grace, beauty and FAKENESS. In fact, I often wonder who the real Aishwarya Rai is. If it isn’t her stupid school-girl giggle then its her diplomacy which makes her look gosh darn stupid in the end. From the get-go, Ash has carefully planned every step of her career. Whether it’s the men she’s dated or the films she’s signed, it all seems so calculated. Almost immediately, she found herself in the arms of Salman Khan and when his career hit a lull, she quickly stepped away from him and into the life of the flavor of the season, Vivek Oberoi. After clearly, demolishing his career and choosing to never accept that she was ever in a relationship with him, Rai’s career was on the rise, while all the drama surrounding Oberoi pushed his career to a complete halt. And out she went from all that commotion. She wasn’t going to let no one bring her down.

The rest is all history as they say, as she went on to woo Abhishek Bachchan and soon become the Bachchan bahu. However, what irks me the most is how much of a sham she is. Her entire existence is a facade. Her constant smiling, boring answers, the perfection, all of it is so boring now, it simply reads boring. Her recent appearance on Koffee with Karan, bought out her fakeness even more. After she giggled, kissed her Father-in-law’s gluteus maximus calling him the “best-est-est” (it’s not even a word!) and reiterated her love for Abhishek, she then gave Karan a bunch of useless fake vague diplo answers. We were bored. Why is it she can’t be honest? And to think, she is the face of Hindi cinema abroad! What utter garbage representation. When we have smart intelligent women like Shabana Azmi or even Sushmita Sen, who are beautiful, smart and Indian in every which way, why we choose to allocate Ash as the Indian ambassador is simply beyond me. Forget, her acting talent; she is by far one of the worst we have. In fact, look back at her hits. Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam was all Ajay Devgn and Salman Khan; Devdas was Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit all the way. So what acting talent does she possess? Zero. Zilch.

I would love to see Ash in the Big Brother house. And I wish Jade Goody (R.I.P), could have interacted with her. Now that would have been some drama especially since Goody believed Shilpa Shetty was fake. HA! Little does she know what fake is. Have you met (F)A(ke)ishwarya Rai Bachchan?

Aishwarya on ELLE

She may not be the best actress in my books but no one can deny her beauty. This month's ELLE features Aishwarya Rai Bachchan gracing the front cover as they talk about her "ethereal" beauty. And she is look pretty god-damn beautiful in her Rohit Bal gown. Loving it!

Koffee with Karan: Teaser and Details!

While Koffee with Karan, in my opinion, is just a number of stars sucking up to Karan Johar and vice versa, it doesn't fail to entertain. And despite the fact that it is not my favorite chat show (On the Couch with Koel, zindabad!), I will be catching every episode of season 3 because of the incredible jodi's that will join KJo on his couch for a cuppa joe. The episodes couples will include a directors special featuring Raj Kumar Hirani, Imtiaz Ali and Farah Khan while a separate episode will finally bring together the Devgns: Ajay and Kajol. Of course, Shah Rukh Khan will be seen with Gauri but in addition, Aamir will feature with his wifey Kiran Rao all in time for Dhobi Ghat. Then we will have a heartthrob episode which will bring buddies, Imran Khan and Ranbir Kapoor - hubba hubba! And then, rivals-now-friends Deepika Padukone and Sonam Kapoor will grace the couch. Of course, Karan has gone on to say that the boys are not rivals, and if they are, they are the "coolest rivals" he's ever seen. Touche. As for the girls, they were apparently super "relaxed" with one another. But first up, Abhishek and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. The couple apparently talk all things about their marriage and their grand wedding. Check out the teaser below!

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"No Ash" says Salman

The team of Guzaarish are getting ready to begin rigourous promotions for the film which my opinion is much needed since the film looks mighty boring to me. And so they will be taking to the Bigg Boss 4 sets and join Salman Khan as they talk all things Guzaarish. However, as soon as this news was passed on to host Salman Khan, he said a big fat No. The actor refused to share the same space or stage with ex girlfriend Aishwarya Rai Bachchan as he didnt want to be in a compromising situtation.

In the past and even now, Salman and Ash ensure they do not cross paths at all and despite Salman's high regard for director Sanjay Leela Bhansali, he didnt feel that he could put his issues with Ash to rest even though it has been several years since the entire Salman-Ash ordeal. And so Guzaarish will not be promoted on the Bigg Boss stage.

Action Replayy: Chhan Ke Mohala

While I may not being looking forward to Action Replayy as a film, I cannot deny Chhan Ke Mohala. Forget that Ash looks like a million bucks in it and that she dances like a diva, but the song too is fab! Sunidhi Chauhan is back with a bang -- how I have missed her. Its festive and fun!

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*Yawn* Gossip!

Bollywood is a strange world. And gossip that comes out of it daily can be sensational and sometimes even monotonous; read: same old. So what are those pieces of gossip that we hear repeatedly without them going stale? Check it out!


She's Pregnant!
Any actress that is married and is yet to conceive, finds herself in the midst of this major piece of gossip. All it takes is one sighting, one walk down the ramp or the fact that she is glowing, and boom, she is almost immediately pregnant. And for all you know, the actress may have just put on a teeny-tiny bit of weight but really that is not allowed! And so she must be pregnant.
Case Study: Aishwarya Rai Bachchan finds herself in the center of this particular one!

It's Over!
Yeah, the best of couples have had to endure this piece of gossip: the split story. They can be as honest and open about their relationship but they will no doubt be split up by the media for whatever reason. It can be another man or women, the fact that they haven't been seen together in a while or are seen in the presence of another star and badda-bing, the superstar and starlette are over!
Case Study: Priyanka Chopra and Shahid Kapoor are nonstop in the news for their alleged break ups.

Nip/Tuck
They've all done a bit but admit it? Hell no! That would be so wrong. So we hear rumors of too much botox on a prominent PZ and the nose job of one SS followed by the boob job of the very sexy BB. And when they get caught, they come out with fab excuses which they expect us to buy.
Case Study: Recently Salman Khan apparently got his under eye bags surgically removed; he claims its a mere scratch.

Saath-Saath
When news of break ups come, then news of new hook ups are always popping up. The minute a celebrity finds themselves in the "single" zone, the media takes it upon themselves to play matchmaker. And then they common statement that is seen in tabloids all over include "X and Y are rumored to be..." Fill in the blanks yourself!
Case Study: Sonam Kapoor and Ranbir Kapoor, Punit Malhotra, Abhay Deol...

B*tch Fights
The actresses deny it and the media insists it happens. If they do or not, only the actresses will be able to tell you. Nowadays they all claim they are thorough professionals and get along with one another. And if they don't, well, they certainly are doing a helluva a job acting like they dote on one another.
Case Study: Once rivals, Kareena Kapoor and Bipasha Basu, have apparently made peace now with one another.

Aish @ HDIL Couture Week

While I am not an avid Aishwarya Rai Bachchan fan, she's far too fake for me as an actress and person, I cannot deny how beautiful she is. Her personality may suck, but her beauty is one to beckon with. And if at any point do you ever want to challenge her beauty, then all you needed to do was catch her walking down ramp in Manish Malhotra's fall collection. Forget the fact that his collection is becoming repetitive - the corsets are boring as heck now, but he sold this one to me just by a mere picture. She looked radiant and beautiful in every which way. And for a change, she actually behaved a tad bit naughty when she winked at her husband while walking down the ramp. Check her out!

GQ Awards 2010!!

So John Travolta is on a month long holiday in India and was also at the recently held GQ Man of the Year Awards this year. He presented the Icon of the Year award to Aamir Khan and himself was the recipient of the Legend of the Year award which he was presented by none other than Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. Apparently, the Hollywood star was seated next to the Bachchans simply because he insisted that a) he get the opportunity to bond with Ash and b) was given the award by the ex-Miss World. So much did he like Ash that he is said to be "bowled over by her". *giggle giggle in Ash style*

Coming back to the GQ Awards, check out some of the other winners:

Most Stylish Man award – Arjun Rampal
Excellence award – Aishwarya Rai Bachchan
Lifetime Achievement award – Naseeruddin Shah
Producer of the year – Karan Johar
Woman of the year – Priyanka Chopra
Actor of the year (presented by Chivas) – Ranbir Kapoor
Cinematic icon award – Aamir Khan

Surprisingly, Aamir turned up to the event that was hosted by the uber cute Rahul Khanna. Check out some pics!! The boys definitely looked hot!! The ladies...meh!

Guzaarish...Guzaarish?

By now everyone has pretty much seen the first look of Guzaarish. And I, personally, am not feeling it. It looks rather meh and eekish to me. Aish looks odd and Hrithik look...umm... random. But hey! That is just me. You take a look and decide for yourself. I have no Guzaarish to watch it.

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The Next 6 Months in Bollywood...

We are half way into the year and Lord knows where has gone. And yes, lots has happened in Bollywood. Rajneeti has been declared hit of the year; Udaan has received critical acclaim and how; Tere Bin Laden has been deemed sleeper hit of the year and I actually enjoyed an Akshay Kumar film. Yes, I thought Khatta Meetha was pretty entertaining. Don't tell anyone I said that though. Okay so what's coming up for the next six months? Check it out!

Aisha: Yes, Sonam Kapoor's slated next week film is all ready to rock n roll. But which will it do? Rock or make you roll out of the cinema?

Peepli [Live]: Super excited for this Aamir Khan Production satire film based on farmers. And you know its good when A.K. agrees to produce it!

Lafangey Parindey: Missing Neil Nitin Mukesh? No? Maybe Deepika Padukone? How about them together. She plays a blind girl and he, a goon.

Dabbang: Oh Salman Khan in an action film gives me butterflies! Exciting and fun. Can't wait for the dishooms and the dshkyun's!

We Are Family: I'm not sure about this one. But if you're a fan of any of the following: Arjun Rampal, Kajol, Kareena Kapoor or Karan Johar, then this is your flick.

Rakta Charitra: Ram Gopal Verma and Vivek Oberoi. Need I say more?

Anjaana Anjaani: As much as I adore Ranbir Kapoor, I worry about him in Dharma films. Oh yeah, he pairs up with Priyanka Chopra for the first time in this one.

Action Replay: Akshay Kumar and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan go back and forth in time with this one. Not sure what to say except, eeks!

Golmaal 3: Fun fun fun! Yes, the boys and Kareena Kapoor are back to entertain you yet again! woohoo!

No Problem: Well the star cast is certainly makes you wonder if director Aneesh Bazmee did have any problems: Anil Kapoor, Sanjay Dutt, Akshaye Khanna, Bipasha Basu, Kangna Ranaut, Neetu Chandra, Paresh Rawal, Sushmita Sen!

Guzaarish: It's Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and Hrithik Roshan back with a bang in a film that sees Roshan sporting a rather odd hairstyle. 

Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Sey: It's Deepika Padukone and Abhishek Bachchan in this period film. National Award for him? Time will tell.

No One Killed Jessica: Rani Mukherjee and Vidya Balan team up for this murder mystery. Gotta hand it to Rani for trying yet again to revive her career. Kudos girl!

Tees Maar Khan: I don't like Farah Khan films. But I'll watch TMK for the much talked about item number Katrina Kaif will be a part of. 


So there you have it, the biggies of 2010. Much to watch and even more to talk about! Woohoo!