Do's and Don'ts for Celebs in the New Year!

2013 is only moments away and this means, it’s a good time to start afresh. For our Bollywood stars, this means they get to put the past behind them—the flop films, controversies and any other pieces of the year they’d prefer to forget. But there are some of our favorite Bollywood actors who need some help in making these resolutions. And who better but us to help them!

Bipasha Basu
It’s a real easy one for Bipasha Basu. All she really needs to do is fine a man who will marry her and her problems with be solved. And while she’s at it, can she please sign a film in which we do not need to see all of her body? I would like to see a fully clad Bipasha for a change.

Shah Rukh Khan
Shah Rukh Khan should vow to stay away from drinking, cricket, slapping people and lastly, he should run in the opposite direction from Priyanka Chopra.

Saif Ali Khan
Maybe post marriage, Kareena Kapoor can learn to cook. That way, Saif Ali Khan will stay away from hotel restaurants and thus, will not go around hitting other guests.

Rani Mukherjee
Get married and stop acting, Rani. Please spare us with another nonsensical film where we are forced to watch you overact and belly dance. Please.

Priyanka Chopra
Stay away from married men.

Ajay Devgn
Honestly Ajay, all this hoopla you created around Son of Sardar is very unlike you. Please go back to your subtle ungimmicky ways, please. We like you in silent mode.

Shahid Kapoor
If you follow Shahid Kapoor on Twitter, you know that he has serious issues with grammar and spelling. This year, maybe the actor can take some English lessons to help improve his tweets.

Karan Johar
K Jo should just promise he won’t torture us with anymore cheesy films or another season of Koffee with Karan in 2013.

Katrina Kaif
Do not kiss any co-stars in 2013 because she makes kissing looking icky and uncomfortable.

John Abraham
Please solve your issues with Bipasha and give us a break, John. We’re tired of listening to the stories and gossip.

~
First published Bollywood Hungama, December 31st, 2012

Problem, Problem, Problem!

To say that I have a problem with everything is like saying that I love Bollywood; DUH! I really do have an issue with everything in the world. But more recently, it’s my favorite topic, Bollywood that has been really giving me a hard time. A lot of issues that are currently giving me sleepless nights are all courtesy of our filmmakers and on occasion, the stars of the films too. You see, they seem to be irking me with the amount of nonsense they seem to be throwing my way. And since Hong Kong has happened, I've been spending a lot of my free time in front of the telly tuned into MTV. Hence, the issues.

Heroine

Problem #2: I want this dress.

My problem with Heroine is that you need to take an antidepressant after! How on earth anyone can sit through such Negative Nancy film is beyond me. I woke up the next day feeling really blue. Madhur Bandarkar isn’t one who makes ‘feel good’ films but was it necessary to make a film that makes you want to jump off the nearest bridge? And while Bebo rocked as Mahi, at no point in time did I feel an ounce of pity for her character. How on earth Bebo got through the film without falling into a deep case of misery, is beyond me.

Jab Tak Hain Jaan
Oh, dear lord, where to begin with this? I have a big huge problem with Challa, for starters. SRK has single-handedly ruined a beautiful song by dancing around like a spaz. And what is up with Yash Uncle believing that SRK in a beard. Ray Bans and a uniform connotes for a hit film? What kind of 1993 formula is that? But all this aside, its SRK repeatedly chiming the “Jab Tak Hain Jaan” line in the promos that really make me want to pull my hair out! That wannabe orgasmic voice of his is the biggest put off and repetition doesn’t make it any sexier.

Student of the Year
Sigh. Karan, Karan, Karan. What are we going to do with you? I think you should start paying for my sleep aid. Whether it’s your rather odd cast, the cheesiness that is oozing from the promos or the randomness that is Ishq Wala Love, it all makes me want to…puke! I’m not sure what the point of your film is. But then I’m not sure what the point of most your films are anyway, so why should this be any different I suppose.

K.L.P.D.
My problem is simple. Mallaika Sherawat and Vivek Oberoi. Together. In a film. And it’s called KLPD.

Aiyyaa
Umm, I love the soundtrack of the film because it’s catchy and funky. But my issue is with Rani and her new found love for her jiggling belly. It’s really not a fun sight so I think she should kinda sorta hide it. And as excited as I am for the film, I prefer a non-jiggling Rani, i.e. a fully clad

Some wise man has said, "Every problem has a solution." Can some other wise man please tell me what the solution is exactly?

The Bollywood Mashup!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about Bollywood, no? It’s been a while since I’ve blogged at all in fact. But moving and adjusting has taken a bit of a toll on me. However, all is good and I promise regular posts from here on. Okay so yes, Bollywood, what is going on? I’ve been quietly observing you lately and I am mighty worried.

For starters, there is Priyanka Chopra, who is making her singing (read: auto tune) debut. So here’s the deal. You’re Indian, you’re an ex Miss World and yet you pose like Rihanna in glittery pumps and sing in an American accent? Errr, somewhere something doesn’t make sense. I would have had heaps of respect for P.C. if she had put some Indian element to the single. Instead, we get a very wannabe-ish attempt and a completely auto tuned voice which not only puts one off but makes you put Piggy Chops back in the “Get Outta Town” bracket. I’m not a P.C. fan by default – she’s far too pretentious for me, but at least I would have had some respect for the lady. Sheee!

And then there is Rani Mukherjee in Aiyya. By now you’ve all seen Dreamum Wakeupum. And if you haven’t, refrain or else you will be scarred for life. Why is it that every actress above the age of 32 feels that the only way they can stick around is to put on Silk Smitha acts ala Vidya Balan in The Dirty Picture? Rani, Rani, Rani, you are far better than that. It’s not the song that is awful – no, no, it’s actually one helluva catchy track. The lyrics are funky even. It’s Rani jiggling and bouncing around that is very painful. 

If you were missing Preity Zinta, look no further because she is back. Um, you remember when Preity could smile and emote? Yeah, she can’t do that anymore courtesy of all that work that she’s had done on her face. In fact, her expression in the promo has been stationary whether she smiles, smirks and even looks upset. It’s all the same. Ishqk in Paris is her comeback film but I’d rather see her charming face come back versus her rather plastic face. The film looks funnish, I guess. There’s a shaadi number also which I think is supposed to be a crowd drawer but it’s very meh. Also, her dimples seem to missing...conspiracy theory?

What do I say about my Bebo Didi aka Kareena Kapoor? With her wedding on the horizon and Heroine on the brink of release, she sure does have a lot on her plate. But I’m rather worried for Bebo Didi. You see, I have a gut feeling Heroine isn’t going to work. And here’s my funda; Heroine is really just an extension of Fashion. What is the difference between the life of a model and of an actress? Very little, no? The struggles and lifestyle are almost identical. So what newness and freshness can Madhur Bhandarkar bring to the audiences? What do we NOT already know about the film industry that The Dirty Picture hasn’t told us? In my opinion, this is actually a film that should not be made and if anything, the role should have been taken on by a newcomer. Bebo could have easily waited for something incredibly different from the Bhandarkar house to have been a part of. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong though!

For all you Sridevi fans, English Vinglish is nearly here and by god, it looks fabulous! Not only does she look like a million bucks but her acting seems to have improved too. I have a feeling this will be an underplayed performance by Sri backed by a good script. And yes, she will be dancing!

Of course, you all know I’m dreading Student of the Year. Karan Johar’s candy floss films really get on my nerves. I have no issues with teeny-bop films but please make them somewhat relatable. 

Oh, so before I leave you, a lot of folks have been asking for my 2012 picks. So, here are the films I’ve enjoyed so far this year:

Agneepath – Fabulous remake!

Tere Naal Love Ho Gaya – Super cute.

Paan Singh Tomar – It stars Irrfan Khan; enough said.

Vicky Donor – Easily the film of the year – smart, funny, entertaining.

Ishaqzaade – Surprise performances and a good storyline.

Shanghai – Emraan Hashmi and Abhay Deol work this political drama to the core.

Gangs of Wasseypur – Rustic and a great film to learn gaalis from.

Bol Bachchan – While this is all Ajay Devgn, Abhishek really impresses.

Cocktail – Cheeseball film of the year with Deepika Padukone stealing the limelight.

Ek Tha Tiger – Eff the 100 Crore club, this one went on to make 200! Salman Khan underplays his role and how! Katrina kicks ass real well, great music, good sights, entertaining, short and fun!

How to be an ABCD

Last year, I was asked to pen a piece for an online Indo-American site (which will remain nameless) about cricket. The editor said, “Keep it simple. Oh, and Indo-Chic.” I remember having a, “Hayeen?” moment. WTF is “Indo-Chic?” I thought. She said, “American Indians don’t consider India their home. They are Americans who happen to be Indian.” If you know me well, you know that at that moment, over a hundred-million gaalis (bad horrid obscene ones) went through my head. And then I thought to myself, “Maybe it’s not them…maybe, it’s me.” I was too Desi, no? I needed to fit in. But how on earth does one become an ABCD? This is how.

Shorten your name. Krishna becomes Krish, Samarpreet becomes Sam.

Choose between adapting to either White people or Black people lingo making you either ‘white-washed’ or ‘ghetto’.

Secretly keep only one or two Hindi/Punjabi tracks on your iPod.

Date Americans, Italians, Blacks and Mexicans before you finally allow Mama to choose you a life partner.

Meet at your local place of worship every Sunday so you can ogle at other Desi hotties and/or gossip about the local ‘slut’.

Dance (read: grind and gyrate) on Friday nights out at clubs with complete strangers but stand in a corner at local Garbas.

Wear strapless/sleeveless/über short skirts in college but when you come home, wear jeans, a tee and look exhausted.

Learn to make the roundest roti ever but you must scream ‘ew’ and ‘yuck’ when you smell tadka.

You can only like one of two Bollywood actors: Shah Rukh Khan or Salman Khan.

Only post videos of Justin Bieber. Make sure you poke fun of friends who post Bollywood videos.

Make videos called, ‘How to be Brown.’

Your room’s wall must be plastered with at least one Eminem poster.

Christmas/Thanksgiving > Diwali.

The answer to, ‘Have you been to India?’ is always, ‘Yes. Once.’

Make a trip to India to, ‘Find your roots.’

Laugh at and hate FOBs.

Use the acronym MLID for everything. 

Relate to every Russell Peters joke.

You must think cricket is a ‘poor man’s baseball’.

Make sure you’re shocked when you see a steamy scene in a Hindi film even though you’ve seen hotter bolder American films.

Wear a sari to at least one of your proms so your friends can ogle over how exotic you are but make a fuss about wearing a salwar suit on Sunday to the temple/gurudwara.

You must own one tube of Fair N Lovely while your non-Indian friends admire your natural 'tan'. 

‘Jai Ho’ is your understanding of the Indian National Anthem.

Brag about how you’re not scared of your parents but fear them like no other in reality.

Never eat with your hands.

Karan Johar films. Enough said.


Not so hard to become one in the end, eh? As for me…yeah, I pass. It's far too cumbersome to become one of them. I think I’ll stick to being myself: fobby, deeply rooted and far too Desi for the average person. 

First Khan, Now Clooney!

You know that the international media has hit an all time WTF when they decide that THE George Clooney is gay. Who are these journalists and what on earth has them even remotely thinking (or believing) that the eternal bachelor George Clooney would be gay? Not that there is anything wrong with it and in a way, I wouldn't be surprised but he really doesn't possess one itty-bitty molecule of queerness. But maybe it’s just that; the fact that he refuses to succumb to marriage and instead would rather keep (and enjoy) the Casanova label. But by that logic, it would mean that apna Salman Khan would have to be gay too? The Indian media has called Sallu a bunch of names; gay is not one of them.

Bollywood stars including the forever-married-and-committed Shah Rukh Khan, now-married Ritiesh Deshmukh, I-love-my-Bebo Saif Ali Khan and screw-you-all-I’m-dating-a-hottie Sajid Khan have been battling gay rumors forever now. When questioned about their sexual orientation, they all denied being attracted to men or one another even. Somehow none of us believed them and for the most part, we still don't. “Lies,” we say. SRK and Karan Johar waking up next to one another are now open jokes between the bum chums (my favorite name for them) with the latter even producing an entire bromance film, Dostana, based on the closeness between two men who were not gay. Was he trying to tell us something? Er, probably not. KJo is really not the "read between the lines" kinda filmmaker. A movie with a message from Karan Johar? I may just die of a cardiac arrest.

As a society, Indians are rather anomalous about homosexuality. Transgenders have been around for centuries now, we’ve grown immune to them. Indian men love the idea of some girl-on-girl action. “Two girls getting it on is just a scene from heaven,” a male friend said to me. But talk to him of two men getting down, and he shudders, “Gross.” Indian women, on the other hand are a lot more nonchalant towards homosexuality. We’re really not all that bothered by it whether it's man-on-man or woman-on-woman. "Do your thing!" I always say. However, my issue is with bisexuals. It is so wrong for you to bat for both sides—that is just plain selfish. Pick one already!

Our government, on the other hand, is rather iffy about homosexuality. They don’t know what to make of it. They can’t be progressive about it because of India’s ancient history and yet, they cannot sit and condemn it because of the progress we've made as a society. Thus, every time they are questioned about homosexuality, they choose to take the fifth. They stay miles away from the topic. And if any politician does make a controversial statement on being gay in India, the rest simply run in the opposite direction. Mind you, within the government itself, there is one particular man who is loved by the gay community: Rahul Gandhi. They love him for being a hottie, no other reason, really.

Bollywood on the other hand, love homosexuality. They poke fun at the subject as we’ve seen at a number of Bollywood functions, they make movies where the gay are mimicked and unknowingly create gay icons. The likes of Imran Khan, Ranbir Kapoor and even Abhishek Bachchan have all in some point in recent time been deemed gay icons. Two of the three are chikna stars while one can wear a pink shirt with great style. You figure out which is which.

That said, it’s the lads who are more than comfortable to play the gay card on screen. They actually enjoy each others company much more than they do the women. Whether it’s SRK and Saif in Kal Ho Na Ho, whose chemistry was the highlight putting Preity Zinta to shame or John Abraham and Abhishek Bachchan in Dostana, who even locked lips with one another and not the heroine of the film. The comfort level is incredible. Bromances work wonders too. The small budget Pyar Ka Punchnama and critically loved Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara were all about the boys. The former made snide jokes about women and sex while the latter was a more mature take on male bonding. These are the movies we enjoy though—a bunch of lads hanging out, being boys. When was the last time you saw a film about a bunch of Desi girls who a) actually liked one another, and b) were not bitching? And no, Aisha doesn’t count. Sadly, a film which displays women who are “close” often becomes a B grade film and probably explains why we’ve had only a handful of such films.

In India, you have to be gay at some point in time if you’re famous. You just have to. You can be married with children and linked to every actress you’ve worked it but you will be gay eventually. Everyone but Salman Khan. He is the only really completely 100% heterosexual man in Bollywood. Mind you, he’s unmarried, no children and currently, is keeping his distance from women. Right. I’ll say this though, there has to be at least one gay man in the industry. But until he grows enough balls to come out of the closet, we’ll sit and play the guessing game. And I think I have a good idea as to who could possibly in the running. What? Don’t look at me, I’m not telling.

Pura Review: Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu

Ever since Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu released, all I seem to be reading are replica reviews that call it a “coming of age” film. Basically, this is a new genre formed by the critics which our filmmakers are trying to take undue advantage of; better known as a fad. And the one filmmaker who is literally cashing out on this trend is none other than Karan Johar. So yes, he’s back in producer form with Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu which stars the very cool Kareena Kapoor and chocolate boy, (he’s yet to evade himself from that tag) Imran Khan. Naturally, it screams I Hate Luv Storys hangover simply because it possesses the same aura and vibe also known as cheese factor.

Welcome to Las Vegas where Rahul Kapoor (Imran Khan) lives a nine to five job courtesy of his commanding parents. On the flip side, there is the carefree and joshiley Riana Briganza (Kareena Kapoor) who lives in the moment. After a night of extreme drunkenness, they get married ala Vegas style. The duo find themselves in each others company while they file for an annulment and a deep friendship forms. Very quickly, Rahul falls in pyar, ishq, mohabbat for Riana who is not ready for any kind of relationship. However, he does manage to change his rather “stiff uptight” ways in the company of Riana.

EMAET is not a coming of age film and if you had to pick a coming of age film from Karan Johar’s lot, it would have to be Wake Up Sid which fits the coming of age genre bill to the T. However, EMAET is a coming of age for Hindi films vis-à-vis the ending of the film which, by the way, leaves big time room for a sequel. It’s not the same shindig. No running into each others arms or sudden realization of love, but a rather mature ending to what is easily any of the two: a chick flick or a cheese fest. Look, EMAET is hardly path breaking cinema but you cannot deny that is a nice easy breezy film which works best on a Sunday afternoon. The plot is simple and fun with some funky young dialogues. Shakun Batra does well with her film and clearly has a good understanding of modern day love and relationships.

The film belongs to Kareena Kapoor. As Riana Briganza, she is funky, fun and fabulous in every which way. Barring her horrid hair – which is rather ironic as she plays an unemployed hairstylist, she literally becomes Riana. That said, this film and role must have been child’s play for Bebo especially since she has done a lot deeper substance filled roles in the past. Riana is not Geet from Jab We Met. With due respect to the latter film, Geet was more rural; Riana is urban. Where do I begin with Imran Khan. I’m not a fan and so by the end, I was literally pakaoed by his enactment of Rahul Kapoor. I’m not sure whether it was the role or the hair, but Imran didn’t work at all for me. In fact, I was more excited to see Ram Kapoor, who plays a rich tharki, in the two scenes he bagged. I think Imran believed EMAET would be his Wake Up Sid moment. And in a way he is right; this is a wake up Imran and smell the roses moment! Boman Irani and Ratna Pathak Shah are as usual superb; she more than him.

And now, the flaws. First the music. This is not Amit Trivedi’s best with the title track taking the crown and Aahatein a close second.  Then there are a few minor details which Shakun should have really cross-checked. For starters, how can a wannabe ballet dancer, who has a steel ball in her foot, dance like a diva in Auntyji? And then of course, there’s the hair issue. For a hairstylist, they really should have given her some gosh darn awesome hair. If anyone needed Vidal Sassoon, it was Riana Briganza.

Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu has been compared to Hollywood rom-coms but in all honesty, why should we do that? We are totally capable of making great Hindi romantic comedies as we have in the past. The film is time pass, paisa vasool even, but strictly that. If you need reasons to watch the film, well then go in if you’re looking for a short cutesy film. And of course, for Bebo. She actually uses the word, “anal” in the film. C’mon now, do you need any more reason?

Bollywood in 2012: Biggies to Avoid!

I wish I could sit here and gush about all the films you should watch in 2012. But I’m hardly a kiss ass. The mere fact that I actually liked a Karan Johar production, Agneepath, is making me question my taste. I think it’s the blood and gore that is normally absent in cliché K Jo productions, which allowed me to fully enjoy Agneepath. Anyway, so there are a bunch of films headed your way this year. While most of them will house big honcho stars, this is hardly a good enough reason to watch them. In fact, there are a bunch of films which are going to plummet at the box office irrespective of the actors. This is where I come to your rescue. You see, I’ll see all these films next year—I'm a sad Bollywood buff clearly. But here are the films I’m dreading this year. And if you’re stumped for time, these are a few films you should probably avoid; in my opinion at least.

Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu

Is it me or does Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu possess the I Hate Luv Storys vibe? And if that is indeed the case, this is going to be one helluva cheese fest. Imran Khan is hardly one of the most talented actors we have which means we’d have to depend on Kareena Kapoor to do most of the acting here. And if that is the case, then I’d much rather see her in a film that holds more substance. There is really only one reason to watch the film; the title song. FYI, this is a Karan Johar production. Need I say more?

Ekk Deewana Tha
I’m sorry but why on earth would anyone give ham king stoned face Prateik Babbar his own film? And who is Amy Jackson? Enough said.

Jodi Breakers
For starters, Bipasha Basu needs to quit already. We’re so done seeing her rack, legs and navel over and over again. We get it; she lacks talent and thus makes up for it by exposing her more endowed parts. And then there is R. Madhavan whom I love, but something about his jodi with Basu makes this film look rather red light district-ish. I’m not sure what the makers were thinking but when I saw the first look, I swear I thought the film was about a pimp and his harlot. The latter being Bipasha, of course.

Agent Vinod
I absolutely love Bebo and Saifu (Saif Ali Khan) but I am incredibly skeptical about Agent Vinod. For the sake of Saif, I hope I get to eat my own words but for now, courtesy of the choppy, rather iffy promo, this one looks like it isn’t going to work.

Kyaa Super Kool Hai Hum
As if the prequel wasn’t bad enough, we’re treated to a sequel. So what can you expect? Sleaze, sex and Tusshar Kapoor. And I’m sorry but anytime Cool is spelt with a ‘K”, it deserves to be canned and avoided.

Dangerous Ishq
I absolutely adore Karisma Kapoor and I’m psyched to see her back on screen but Vikram Bhatt? And a 3-D film? I’m very worried. Known for his rather eccentric ways, Bhatt is hardly one who makes films that are exciting but more odd and obscure. Examples: Red: The Dark Side (did you see that one?) and Shaapit (or this?).

Tere Meri Kahani
Priyanka Chopra + Shahid Kapoor = Chaos. And I believe this has a lot to do with their on and off relationship in real life. But add some Kunal Kohli to the mix and what you have is a recipe for disaster. Oh and this film follows the lovers over a long (and I mean really long) period of time. Mausam anyone?

Joker
Shirish Kunder is an odd one, no? I’m not sure if he’s just one of “those” directors or he’s ahead of his time but either way, we don’t get it. With Joker, he seems to already believe he has a hit on his hand but the title of the film itself makes me cringe with fear. And then there is the Akshay Kumar factor. Lately, he’s been hamming a lot. In the end someone will be a Joker. Question is, will it be us or them?

Ferrari Ki Sawaari
Yeah, this one screams boring. Don’t believe me, please YouTube the promo.

Jism 2
I don’t care how much the men of India love Sunny Leone, she is not an actress. And while a film like Jism hardly requires the lead heroine to “act”, you do need to recite lines and emote. This porn star can barely work a pole, and she has a film. Psshhh.

So that’s my list; my call; my take. I’ll be watching all of the above and the rest but if you’re looking to catch only the best of 2012, pliss to be avoiding the above.

Pura Review: Agneepath

If you remember a few months ago, I complained and ranted about how much I detested remakes and sequels. It just makes zero sense to me. Are our filmmakers incompetent of making original films? In a country of over one billion, are we incapable of stirring up innovative plots? But what does anyone care about what I say. A lot of the time, what filmmakers deem a “remake” is actually an adaptation. And that is exactly what Karan Johar’s Agneepath is. So now because it is a variation of the original, it would be totally unfair to make comparisons be it the performances or script. In all honesty, I was completely skeptical of Agneepath in 2012. How on earth anyone could want to recreate an epic cult film? More importantly, why?

This is why.

The film is not as different yet slightly altered from the original. Vijay Chauhan (Hrithik Roshan) is just another regular boy from Mandwa whose father, the village master, lives by rules of karma and dharma. However, when he is framed and hung to death by the local ravaan Kancha (Sanjay Dutt), Vijay finds himself devoid of any of his father’s teachings as he promises to take revenge. His family moves to Mumbai where he is taken under the wing of one Rauf Lala (Rishi Kapoor). Over time, he grows to become a man who is eager to get revenge but not through Lala; solo. He schemes to take down his godfather’s family and reign as he moves to the top only to kill Kancha. In between, he seeks solace in the arms of his childhood friend, Kaali (Priyanka Chopra) who supports, marries and loves him to death.

Agneepath in 2012 is the 1990 version, only refined. It has every component of a nineties film—revenge, love, action. It puts you in a modern time capsule for three hours as it correctly attacks every emotion which makes the average Indian viewer tear via the mother-son discord and love story.

As a film, Agneepath is fabulously executed and filmed. You are pulled into a world which is filled with love and hate, retribution and justice, chaos and peace. Every scene of the film is shot beautifully, be it the chawls and slums of Mumbai or the island of Mandwa. Karan Malhotra’s vision and implementation of the film and stars too, is impeccable. His version of Agneepath is original and yet pays great respect to the Amitabh version. But what comes across very clearly is how he has cleverly adapted his film to the current rage of over-the-top melodrama films with the dialogues and action sequences. Look beyond the superficial surface, and Agneepath is filled with great nuances too. The reference to the Ramayana comes across instantly as Mandwa is painted a dark hell, Mumbai is bright, filled with life and love followed by the good over evil track. Malhotra knows this well and is definitely an aficionado the masala genre.

Agneepath belongs to Hrithik Roshan. We often connote great acting with dialogues and drama. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, Hrithik speaks perhaps all of three pages of the script. However, his acting comes through the flaring of his nostrils, his blood shot teared eyes, his intensity, his body language and yes, through his delivery of the character. Add to that how that he is still as hot as they get, and boom, he wins with Agneepath. There is no long hauled dialogue for him neither is his drunk scene one that will go down in history but you will walk out of the cinema calling Agneepath one of his best performances ever. There is also, no mimicking of Bachchan Senior. This is his interpretation of the character.

And then there is Rishi Kapoor who scores as Rauf Lala. He works the evil into the character so darn well. A phenomenal performance. Sanjay Dutt is flawless as Kancha. He’s ugly, dark, grey and dirty just as you would expect him to be. He takes the cake when it comes to dialogues in the film and works Kancha into a great villain. Om Puri is as usual awesome and deserves a mention because he is rarely appreciated. Priyanka Chopra is apt but hams slightly in her small role which in my opinion could have been played by any other small actress. However, marketing works well in Bollywood. By adding Chopra to the film, the star power of the film increases.

So where does the film falter? Tomato ketchup. The gore and blood flows from beginning to end which makes you wonder how much ketchup was used. While the film excels in the first half, it falls a tad bit in the second; at some points it seems hurried. The music is also a letdown. Yes, Chikni Chameli is fantabulous as well as the Ganesh number. The rest is average minus the background music which is haunting but loud. And then there is the length—it’s too freakin’ long. Too long. So much so that it’s slightly exhausting.

In the end, Agneepath is a good watch because of Roshan. He packs a punch and works it. In fact, you almost cannot imagine anyone else playing Chauhan in this version of the film. I have to hand it to KJo, whom I normally hate on, with this one, he's redeemed himself. But only slightly. Agneepath is the old stuff in new fancy glossy packaging. This, guys and dolls, is exactly how you do a remake.

Footnote: Here's the deal for 2012. Films that are wicked, will get a Pura Review while the useless ones will get a mere 100 Word Review. Fair, na? 

Oh Ho, Bollywood!

The Khela Awards: These are real!

You know how I have this love-hate relationship with Bollywood? Yeah, basically I’m in a detest can’t-stand-you frame of mind with Bwood right now. It just doesn’t fail to irk me every few weeks. For starters, this happens to be the worst time of the year: award season. Great. So now, we’ll see over a dozen award ceremonies which will display the same shindig over and over again. Vidya will bag the best actress awards while others will split between Ranbir and Shah Rukh Khan – depending on which award function he hosts and so on. Bollywood ke raajneeti ka kya kehna? And then the dances, the clothes, the controversies, blah blah blah; it’s just such a hassle. Uff! Yes, in this aspect, I’m a hater. I hate on Bollywood award functions. In my opinion, they all should be banned. It’s no surprise Aamir Khan prefers to sit at home rather than attend any of these useless shows. This is the one time I prefer the west and their award functions over our lackluster ceremonies. At least there’s no nonsense with them. The stars attend wearing elegant clothes (no paan chewing, chappals wearing or tieless heroes here), win awards, speak for a quick minute and bounce. They last all of two hours. Anyone else find them uber super boring?  

And if that isn’t enough, here’s the latest on John Abraham and his new beau Priya something-or-another. Apparently, the very hot Abraham fell for his new girlfriend while he was seeing Bipasha. I just have one question: so what? Whoever said Bipasha was the ideal girlfriend? Everyone knows she was out painting the town red with a number of guys from all over the globe. And all this, by the way, while she was with John Abraham. So if her eyes, mind, body and lips can wander, why can’t his? C’mon people, we live in a chalta hai world. This should hardly be controversial.

Then there is all this hoopla over Sonam Kapoor dropping the F-bomb on Twitter. Okay, so I don’t love the girl, but are you kidding me? To all those of you who are sitting and judging her for using the word “fuck” (yes I said it, sue me already), I suggest you really stay at home and lock yourselves in your closet. It’s fine if you don’t use profanity but why is it a big deal if a wannabe actress says it? Normal people who have regular jobs use it on a minute to minute basis, no issues there. Please don’t even sit and tell me that just because she’s a celeb, she can’t use it. Sonam Kapoor is not washed in milk. She used a word which every judgmental person out there has used at one point in time. Nor does the Kapoor girl claim to be the ideal citizen or a role model, and if you regard her as your “idol” then really you need help anyway. This is the first time, and last time, I’ll side with Sonam Kapoor, but grow the eff up people.

Next week we’ll be “treated” to Karan Johar’s adaptation of Agneepath. I’ve been called a KJo hater— which I am, I’ll admit it. And thus, this is one film I am not at all looking forward to. The music so far has been rather average and I’m a bit worried about Hrithik in this film. I know he’ll do his thing but even then, comparisons to the great Amitabh Bachchan are inevitable. However, the real reason to watch the film seems to be Sanjay Dutt. I’d watch out for him— this film is going to change his stance in the industry; that’s my prediction.

With that I’m all Bollywooded out. Shutter down, dhukhaan bandh.

2012: Can You Handle Me?

Welcome to 2012 people! New Years Eve put me a pretty rad mood but totally screwed me over  health-wise. So my first good deed for the year is to give you some not-to-do drinking tips. 1) Do not drink on an empty stomach, and 2) Binge drinking is not a good idea; even if it is NYE. Now, if only someone had told me this earlier. So yes, it’s post the hangover and awful flu, which attacked me simultaneously, that I’m here now ready to bamboozle 2012. Everyone around me seems to believe that the year has gotten off to a pretty good start. I haven’t made up my mind just yet. But while I’m on undecided on the manner in which 2012 has begun, I’m sure of what I need to work on this year. No, these are not resolutions. They’re more like “rules and guidelines” for the year twenty-twelve.

Someone said to me that they like how my blog is an open book/diary; a peek into my life. I “awwed” and then realized that during the month of December, RWN became a sleaze fest vis-à-vis The Garam Sharam Awards. Alas that is so last year. While I intend on keeping up with more honest (read: blasé, bold, beautiful, boombaat and bombastic) pieces, this one is a bit somber one to begin the year with.

I solemnly swear not to sweat the small stuff. It ain’t worth it. As it is, mujhe Bade Acche Lagte Hain.

I solemnly swear not to take my body for granted. This is a genuine one.

I will try my hardest (sorry, cannot swear on this one) not to make fun of the following ladies: Frieda Pinto, Poonam Pandey, Sunny Leone and Karan Johar.

I solemnly swear not to get worked up with “people” who irk me for whatever reason. It’s not fair for me to judge other people if they are not affecting my life. If I must advocate or be an activist, it should be for a more legit causes like why Sunny Leone looks like a man to me.

I solemnly swear I will be audacious, more nonchalant, more verbose, more pompous and even more overbearing.

I solemnly swear to blog about more sleaze because sex sells and girls who write about it get a lot more hits. Being shameless is how you get famous, I hear.

I solemnly swear to finally figure out my relationship with Bollywood. This love-hate thing we have going on is not healthy. And secretly, Bollywood knows I adore him.
(Side note: Bollywood is definitely a man; it plays far too many games)

I solemnly swear to love the movies everyone hates and hate the ones everyone else adores.

I solemnly swear to further dig item songs as I am an item song whore.

I solemnly swear to use bigger words. Even if it yields presage complete upheaval and even stupefaction.

I solemnly swear not to call people names.

I solemnly swear that to switch loyalties to Canada if team India continue to play as complete assclowns. Crap, so much for no name calling.  

And lastly, I solemnly swear to continue being fabulous, bitchy and walk around like a Diva. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Any wager as to how quickly I will break one of the above? I think I may break one in oh, approximately 2.5 seconds. But hey, rules, resolutions and bridges are meant to be broken. And anyway, likhne mein kya hai?

This may actually be the year that cannot handle me; normally it's the other way around. Time will tell guys and dolls. In the meantime, have a fabulous 2012!

Karan Johar - Paris Hilton: #SamePerson

Karan and Paris: Same to Same

I’m a bit amused at all the hoopla surrounding Paris Hilton’s arrival to India. I’m also slightly unsure as to why it’s even a big deal. Sure she's here to launch some accessory line (yeah, I won't be buying. I like my accessories as Desi as they get) but so what? As of now, I’ve received a number of emails asking me if, “I’d like to party with the Heiress, the icon, the falana.” Of course, I smirk and hit the delete button. But again I ask, what is the big bloody deal? And then I started to ponder about a few things. For starters, who is the equivalent to Paris Hilton in India? And if we have one, would they receive the same ruckus as Paris is?

Let’s first define what makes a Paris Hilton who she is. Bratty tendencies. Sex tape. Social butterfly. Hit reality show. Money bag. Celebutante. What is she famous for? Nothing really. The girl lacks any talent nor does she really have any vocation. Keeping that in mind, here are a few options for equivalents from India.

Parmeshwar Godrej: She doesn’t really work. Too old.

Sonam Kapoor: As much as I believe she lacks any sense of talent, she does work hard. And no sex tape. Blah. 

Siddhartha Mallya: He’s pretty much famous for his last name and nailing Deepika Padukone.

Karan Johar: For some reason, I feel like K Jo is the closest thing to Paris Hilton that we’ll ever get in India. The only thing lacking from ensuring K-Jo’s position as Paris Hilton’s parallel— a sex tape. And I’m pretty sure there is one lurking around somewhere.

So crowning Karan Johar as India’s answer to Paris Hilton means that she would receive the same reception in country XYZ, yes? Don’t count on it. Look no Indian celebrity gets the same reception as the Hilton Heiress does because they are a) not as important and b) not as well known. And this after Karan Johar’s My Name is Khan is really a worldwide ‘phenomenon’ or so he claims. The number of times we hear of K Jo chilling in Los Angeles or in London is uncountable. But how often do you hear of the media going nuts over Karan Johar’s arrival being newsworthy? And really, how many invitations do you get to party with Karan. More importantly, if you did receive such an invite, why on earth would you even go? By the same token, why on earth would anyone want to party with Paris? She speaks like a lame duck, lacks any sense of intelligence but more importantly, and this one is for the guys, she is definitely not going to make a sex tape….with you. Just saying.

I think we need to really reevaluate who we think is important enough to party with. For example, I’ll party with Jennifer Lopez, she’s still more real than Ms. Hilton. But if you think I’ll spend money on partying with Paris Hilton, then er, no thanks not really. And since she can swim in money, why on earth should I even have to pay a dime! Hello! If people in America are not gonna pay any attention to Karan Johar, then peace out. I ain’t gonna bother with Paris. Even if Karan can’t spell and I’ve promised not to be friends with him until he learns how to spell Koffee, I mean Coffee. Oh look, yet another similarity. They both can’t spell. If you needed anymore consolation… well here it is. Over and out.

P.S. I just read that the likes of Simi Garewal and Karan Johar have actually snubbed Paris Hilton's visit. Yeh lo. Yehi suna baaki reh gaya tha.

Sequels and Remakes: Nahinnnnnn!!!!!

If I hear one more piece of news from Bollywood where filmmaker XYZ is in the midst of planning a sequel or remaking a classic, I'll scream. It's just becoming far too repetitive and straight up boring, industrywalas. Seriously. As if it isn't bad enough that we have to deal with Hrithik Roshan taking on Amitabh Bachchan's role in the ultra amazing Agneepath, but everyone's favorite (uh yeah, minus me), Karan Johar, is all set to make a second part to the "epic" Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum. Is it me does or does this sound so damn ho hum? I'm already not excited for the sequel. Apparently, there's gonna be something about the brothers splitting up courtesy of the business, blah blah. But *oh ma gawd* the cast are crew are so excited (rolls eyes). Look, K3G was great at the start of the millennium but honestly, all that cheese only works in Rajshri films now. Karan's rendition of cheesiness is so freakin' 2000 and late; it makes me want to barf. Yes, I've seen K3G numerous times and yes, it was awesome...when I was 18! But now, a decade later, I flinch when I see any scene of the film. The music of course, never gets old. Now that's epic.

But it's not fair to only oust my 'favorite' victim Karan Johar. After the success of Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara, Zoya Akhtar is actually considering a sequel to her recent offering. But what could it possibly consist of? The lads off on yet another trip to solve issues in their forties? Or maybe we'll get a glimpse of what a Desi midlife crisis looks like. More importantly, what will the film be called? Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara...Phir Se (?) Goodness, that in itself puts me off.

Don 2 is headed our way this year. And while I'm a fan of the original (Amitabh wala) and also the modern version (SRK one), I don't know if Don 2 will hit my 'action girl' buttons. Same goes with Dabangg 2, when it does happen, I don't know if I want to see Chulbul Pandey again. Once is a charm, no?

One of the few sequels, it's a series rather, which really worked for me personally is Golmaal and fine, even Munnabhai. But then that's a totally different ballgame. Most sequels lose their momentum, pace and even point. By the end of it, you ask yourself, "What on earth just happened?" The only film which deserves and I'm aching to see a sequel to is the cult film (and my ultimate favorite), Andaz Apna Apna. Sallu Miyan and Aamir Bhai together with hopefully Lolo and Ravs; heaven! The dialogues, the music, the sequences were all phenomenal. But those are some big shoes to fill when you have a classic like AAA to follow.

And while we're on the topic of sequels, I'd love to see Hum Aapke Hain Kaun and Hum Saath Saath Hain part two. I wonder how the Rajshri's would take forward these family dramas. Actually negative. I have a feeling these would turn into major saas-bahu serials in the end. All hail Ekta Kapoor. And how can the 'Serial Queen' be left behind? She too has been bitten by the sequel bug. Once Upon A Time in Mumbaai is all set to have a part two with Akshay Kumar in the lead. Kahan Ajay Devgn, kahan Akshay Kumar yaar. I'm already scared.

However, it's not the sequels that irk me as much as the remakes. Look, if you can't think of new ideas or plots, don't make films. But please, leave our originals. There's a reason they're crowned with titles such as "epic" and "legendary"; so foolish filmmakers won't realize years later to remake them!

After a while, it gets so damn boring that you find yourself getting off to original films which are different and unique. This is why youngistan is watching (and re-watching) the likes of Delhi Belly and Shaitaan. Not only does it hit home but the film is honest, relevant, young and awesome in so many ways. You know what, I'd rather watch a shady irritating shoddy film ala Tees Maar Khan (yes, even that) over a bad remake which ruins the original or a sequel that destroys its predecessor.

In true Bollywood fashion, I'd just like to say, "Bhagwan ke liye sequels aur remakes ko chor do!"

The Social Side of Bollywood

I'm all about the glam and gloss in Hindi films -- trust me, I may sit and oust Karan Johar, but I've seen every single of his OTT films. However, amidst the luster of a Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna and one I Hate Luv Storys lie a few films which make an impact which is far greater. Every so often, when we are lucky enough I believe, we are bestowed with a social film. A director will take it upon himself to make a film that is hard-hitting and honest. Over time, the issues have changed from being more complacent to ones that are more prevalent in time. I for one, have always advocated for such films. You see, the only two things that really sell in India is Cricket and Bollywood. Now, how do you incorporate the murder of the female child into cricket? Can't do it right. So you opt for option two. Desi folks (or most of them) absolutely adore Hindi films and thus, if you can manage to work a burning issue into a film, you can pretty much be sure your message will be noticed, if nothing else.

The first social film that my memory can recall was Deepa Mehta's Shabana Azmi-Nandita Das' Fire. I remember being all of 13 and watching a film about women in love with one another. That was my introduction into the world of homosexuality. I grew up with a pretty liberal mother who believed her children needed to be aware of everything in the world. And thus, despite our rather sheltered upbringing, we were aware of issues that were taboo. From then on, I developed a slight bias to such films. In time, more such films were introduced into the world of Hindi films. But the issues haven't always been related to sex. Yes, we are yet to completely understand and fathom homosexuality in India without mocking them - ahem Karan Johar ala Dostana; you can be sure more films on the gays and lesbians in our country will be made, but our socially aware filmmakers have moved on. It's about political strife, infidelity, education, AIDS, suicide, ragging, violence and even untold secrets of the glamour world. Some issues work better than others; Some win awards, others are shunned for reasons that are rather shameful, I believe.

Very few filmmakers actually have the balls to come out and place pinpoint such issues. Can we expect Karan Johar to shed the glam quotient and make such a film? Probably not - look what he did with KANK and My Name is Khan? Serious issues; sugarcoated. And the west is no different. Slumdog Millionaire is hardly a true depiction for the slums in India. Mahafail, Danny Boyle. But you can be sure, other filmmakers will continue to do so. And sadly, we need to recognize them for their courage. They know the film will probably not make waves or rake in heaps at the box office. And yet, they stand by their films hoping it will make a difference in India and will educate the ignorant, motivate the youth and open eyes of those who choose to wear a blindfold to social issues that are blatantly in front of them.

2010: The Pisser-Offers

I’m not one to mince words; but you already know that. And while my blog has only been up a short while, it has managed to garner much hatred which makes me über super happy. The comments calling me crude names help me sleep at night and at the same time bring you back. You know you love it. So for my final post for the year, I decided to write a list of people who have totally pissed the crap outta me in the last year. These are stars, politicians and popular personalities who have managed to really irk me to the extent that I had to write about it. Check it out.

Sonam Kapoor: She needs a book on etiquette and a finishing school course. This mannerless girl just prances around using her father’s last name with no talent. What exactly she is riding high on is beyond me. And her crassy wise-ass comments on Twitter just go to prove she is all talk. Get a life.

Shobhaa De: What is up with all the drama? Goodness! Spare us and everyone else with your nonstop banter please. We get it: you don’t like the Khans and their likes.

Barkha Dutt: Where do I begin with her? This so-called renowned Indian journalist has managed to make us all look bad and how. I hope you get taught a hard lesson next year.

Rahul Gandhi: Why would you go breaking my heart like that Rahul? Your recent comment about Hindu fanatics and terrorism was totally out of line. Sigh. Even the best can piss you off. Sad.

Karan Johar: Dude, Koffee with Karan is getting far too L.A.M.E. What’s up with all the Botox questions? If you’re interested in trying it out, ask a doctor instead of stupidly asking your guests.

Katrina Kaif: How on earth she is everywhere and doing so well is beyond me. Just goes to show you talent is a meaningless word in Hindi cinema. You can be a statue and still be successful. And why does she have this nonstop scowl on her face. Smile much?

Okay before I am officially barred from blogging forever, I think I’ll stop. You can be sure I’ll be back with more next year and it will be more vile, more brutal and more honest.

The-Piss-Roshni-Off-Club

You’ve probably figured out by now that I am incapable of speaking diplomatically. And what irks me more than anything in the world are people or rather celebs that are useless but walk around like they are successful for whatever reason. But then again, it is these very personalities that drive me to write and rant more and more. There are a number of these so-called celebs who never fail to piss me off. And today I dedicate an entire write up to them; for their ability to be nothing and yet have the audacity to name call themselves celebrities. Oh whatever.

When it comes to Karan Johar, my blood boils. I cannot fathom how it is that Karan Johar is a) still around, and b) actually has the finances to fund films that are trashy and plain stupid. And it isn’t like he isn’t capable of good work. As a director, he has given us one good film: Kuch Kuch Hota Hain. And then, he went into “I am awesome!” mode after which he has failed nonstop. Yes, we have been treated to a number of Johar directed useless films. You know what Karan Johar does best? Suck up to the stars. So basically, he would best as an ass-kisser, if that was a real-job at all. I think somewhere down the line he realized that he had to utilize his ass-kissing skills would come in handy IF he made proper use of it. And thus, out came the legendary Koffee with Karan. Now, I have seen every episode. However in my defense, I only watched KWK because it gave me more reason to poke fun at K-Jo. And now of course, the director has supposedly fallen into depression courtesy of his “protégés” (read: wannabes). Yes, believing in his new band of boys, the KJo donned the producer hat only and took on their scripts giving them the chance of a life. And what happened next was a series of bad flop films. It is for this apparent reason that Karan Johar has decided to take a small sabbatical from film making and is apparently scripting. God save us. What on earth will he give us next. Oh and he also has some issue with the media now. Yes, something about them being mean to him and so on. Uh do you blame them? Note to K Jo: Quit making and investing in bad films; the media will begin loving you.

And then there is the International Star: Frieda Pinto. Right. So basically this girl goes from no one to someone overnight courtesy of a terrible film where she had no role. Before she knew it, she was adorned with fans, international film offers, a new boyfriend, designer clothes and is plastered on the cover of a number of fashion magazines. All that doesn’t bother me. What irritates the crap out of me is how Pinto has all of a sudden become a “oh I’m not appreciated in India” character. Her comments never fail to make me super mad. First it was her claim that the paparazzi doesn’t exist in India. Uh, lady, perhaps you should ask big Bollywood stars how they are literally stalked by the media on a daily basis. Baat karti hain! And then her incredible naive comment about how she has not been “appreciated” or “accepted” in India. Uh duh! You ain’t worth it Frieda. Not only do you lack talent but a brain too apparently.

For the most part, I don’t mind Himesh Reshammiya, but when he goes crazy on reality shows and comes on screen, then yes, I cringe and hit my head with irritation. I would be fine if he continued to sing in his nasal voice and make repetitive music with cheesy lyrics. At least I would have a choice in the matter. But when he is on my favorite reality singing show or his movie is on the verge of release, it is impossible to get rid of him. He is always around. Definitely not fun. And what’s up with his attitude?

And while I’m on it, the following also irritate me on occasion of different reasons:

Mallika Sherawat: Her wannabe accent and Hollywood-is-for-me-not-Bollywood diva attitude is so lame.

Abhishek Bachchan: His put-on American accent is so boring.

Sonam Kapoor: For constantly claiming that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Dude, you are a bad actress irrespective.

Just writing about all these people has literally pissed me off. To all of them I say, a big fat WHATEVER.

Koffee with Karan: Midway Chaos!

Koffee with Karan Season 3 dahlings, has reached midway and guess what? It has been filled with controversy. Just. The. Way. We. Like. It. Many have questioned whether our stars have completely lost it (manners, etiquette, tehzeeb, their minds and all that) but you can be sure TRPs are out the wazoo. I wonder what they put in that coffee sorry, koffee? Why is it the minute stars sit on that leather (read: rexon) couch, they get ready to pounce, claws and all? From that minute on, friends who worked with you for known (and unknown) reasons seize to exist and instead, celebs become vicious cows (donkeys for the men). In hopes to bag the Koffee Hamper, actors go all out but not until they are not fired up by the host himself. And so for all the controversies thus far, you can pretty much blame your host cum dost, Karan Johar. Okay here's taking a look at the good, the bad and the gosh darn (f)ugly in KWK Season teen.

The Good
Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan were adorable, with apparently the latter taking the cake this time, I'm told my fans (and new ones he gained via his appearance on the show). Their honesty and clear chemistry came through in the nonstop bromance the duo indulged in. Yes, they pretty much called it war with Sonam and Deepika but hey, the boys just called it as they saw it!

Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan were awesome! She was bubbly and excited to be on with the man in her life. He was much much much better than his last appearance with sister Soha and basically the duo were a hit. They spoke about their love, their films, their kisses and then Saifu did the one inevitable mistake. He called himself "reliable (understandable), strong (also understandable) and very long (uh, shady anyone?)". Immediately you squirmed in your chair. For simply this reason, this episode borders with good and bad.

Cute! That is all I could think when Amitabh Bachchan and Shweta Nanda took center stage. Their jugalbandi relationship was awesome! He was his super intelligent self while she surprised all with her wit and intelligence. Super good, this one was.

Shah Rukh Khan has to make an appearance. How could he not? K Jo would have had a mental fit if he didn't. So with no expectations, I watched. And guess what? He wasn't that bad. Yes, he said a few things which made you go, "Yeah okay Shah Rukh." But for the most part, he was watchable. While I don't buy his lame apology to Farah and Salman, his "I have no friends" statement along with his teary thank you to Karan, I do believe he is the most arrogant actor in town. This episode confirmed it. And so it too hangs between good and bad.

Rani Mukherjee and Vidya Balan were like girls in High School. I didn't mind them too much especially since they were having a good time. Quirky answers vis-a-vis, Rani's "I'm a bitch" one-liner, made the show that much more fun. As for their thumb sucking antic, yeah, pass.

Lara Dutta never fails to impress. This time she bought fiance Mahesh Bhupathi who also was gosh darn awesome. Together, the tag team were a laugh riot. Clearly giddy and happy, Lara was all smiles while Mahesh was relaxed and witty. No controversy; plain love for the duo. Happiness all around on this episode.

Ajay Devgn was simply superb for a first timer. He came and wowed with his unique style, answers and super suave attitude. I found myself swooning and totally understanding Kajol's reasons for marrying the uber awesome Ajay. Yes, he did go borderline nutty when he claimed he wouldn't recommend marriage to good friends Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan, when he said he would expect to find dumb bell(e)s in Salman's room and when he said he wouldn't want to into Ranbir's room because he wasn't sure who he would find there. But overall, Ajay, A for effort!

The Bad
For the most part, Abhishek and Ash were pretty good minus her nonstop giggling and fake personality. But what to do? Old habits die hard. He was pretty cute with his answers while hers either kissed Bachchan butt or were plain old boring. Nothing too exciting from Bachchan parivar.

The only reason Raju Hirani, Farah Khan and Imtiaz Ali are being placed in this segment (The Bad) was because they were just so damn boring. Normally, I find myself psyched during KWK episodes. This time around, I found myself going for my remote control. Channel change required.

Priyanka Chopra lost a fan the day she appeared on KWK Season 3. Myself. Inspite of her "demure" (expose much?) choice of clothing through which she tried to direct all attention to her legs because of her bad nose job, we still caught on. Her boring answers, lame sharmofying and giggling every time SRK's name was mentioned made this episode so painful. Thank heavens, Shahid Kapoor gave us some remorse. Just for Priyanka's nose, this one loiters between Bad and (F)ugly!

Hrithik Roshan and Suzzanne were B.O.R.I.N.G. This episode told us a number of things. 1) good looking does not equal fun, 2) Hrithik thinks of himself as a car and 3) Hrithik is cheap. Thanks but no thanks.

The (F)ugly
Mean girls, Sonam Kapoor and Deepika Padukone came on to clear all misconceptions. "We're friends!" they both sang. "We've been on a spa date!" they confessed. Rubbish. They both came on one single agenda: Ranbir. Must. Die. And they did just that. Deepika said he should endorse condoms, Sonam called him asexual and overnight, these girls were literally ousted by many Ranbir fans who wanted to smack the girls inside out. Myself included. Bitchiness prevailed with the so-called buddies. Mission Defame Ranbir? Accomplished.

The Anil Kapoor and Sanjay Dutt episode was doing so well until something hit Anil like a bullet. He went all out to say a few things which had people questioning his choice of narcotics. "I miss Sushmita Sen's hugs!" followed by "Shilpa Shetty's lip job" were statements which made many go eeks! Even Dutt Jr. came out to ask if he was feeling okay. But the icing on the cake was special appearance on the show Kangna Ranaut's coy look when she was asked about plastic surgery and collagen. Look in a mirror lady.

And that does it for KWK Season 3 at Half Time folks. Much more to come so expect more controversy, more drama, more rubbish and higher TRPs!

Update 2/20: Why is it that the worst "couples" having koffee with Karan are those who have publicly denied their relationship? Priyanka and Shahid sat and acted like they detested each other and now, Ranveer Singh and Anushka Sharma did.just.the.same. They sat and acted like they hated one another. Uh, we can see through the bad acting people. And was it me or did everyone sense the oozing sexual tension between them?

Back and how!

I do apologize for being away for so long. After my slight break, I found myself the shikar of a bad throat viral which is not fun. But I'm back and rocking as usual. Lots going on in Bollywood - so its time for quick one liners I believe!

Reema Kagti's next will feature Aamir Khan, Kareena Kapoor and Rani Mukherjee! Excited yet?

Sonam Kapoor and Deepika Padukone are officially down in Rishi Kapoor's bad books after they both went on to call his son and their co-star Ranbir Kapoor, "unstylish" and "unfaithful" respectively. Yikes!

Manisha Koirala went on to claim she had "divorce on her mind" on Facebook after a spat with her husband and is now apparently living with her parents. Uh-oh!

Yana Gupta was spotted without any underwear roaming in Mumbai and while she has been fined in the city, a number of European magazines want her to pose naked for heaps of dough. Great! She has more money to buy underwear.

Guzaarish is out and while the film hasn't managed to do too well at the box office, Hrithik Roshan has walked away with accolades galore. Salman Khan however, has been heard taking pot shots at film claiming not even a "dog" has gone to see Guzaarish. So much gussa towards old pal Sanjay Leela Bhansali, Salman Bhai?

Can Sonakshi Sinha do it without Salman Khan? Karan Johar is asking himself this very question since he is keen on signing on Sonakshi for a film. Her answer, "Of course I can!"

Imran Khan claims he loves the chocolate boy title but is need of more experimental films. Right.

Apparently, Ranbir Kapoor is still love with ex-flame Deepika Padukone and has been seen hanging around her building asking the security guard to let him go on up to her apartment.

Koffee with Karan: Deepika and Sonam

The boys came and conquered; they both spoke volumes about their leading ladies ala Sonam Kapoor and Deepika Padukone. Did they know the girls would follow them in the next episode? Food for thought eh? Check out the teaser for next weeks episode!

RK and IK on KWK!!

While Aish and Abhishek failed to WOW me on the opening episode of Koffee with Karan Season 3, (she giggled too much and he wasn't as fun as I thought he would be) I am convinced my favorite fella Ranbir Kapoor and not-so favorite Imran Khan will be far more entertaining. Between the two of them, they always manage to kick up a roar and one can only imagine the amount of mayhem they are going to cause on the show next week. Excited? Take a peek!

Koffee with Karan: Teaser and Details!

While Koffee with Karan, in my opinion, is just a number of stars sucking up to Karan Johar and vice versa, it doesn't fail to entertain. And despite the fact that it is not my favorite chat show (On the Couch with Koel, zindabad!), I will be catching every episode of season 3 because of the incredible jodi's that will join KJo on his couch for a cuppa joe. The episodes couples will include a directors special featuring Raj Kumar Hirani, Imtiaz Ali and Farah Khan while a separate episode will finally bring together the Devgns: Ajay and Kajol. Of course, Shah Rukh Khan will be seen with Gauri but in addition, Aamir will feature with his wifey Kiran Rao all in time for Dhobi Ghat. Then we will have a heartthrob episode which will bring buddies, Imran Khan and Ranbir Kapoor - hubba hubba! And then, rivals-now-friends Deepika Padukone and Sonam Kapoor will grace the couch. Of course, Karan has gone on to say that the boys are not rivals, and if they are, they are the "coolest rivals" he's ever seen. Touche. As for the girls, they were apparently super "relaxed" with one another. But first up, Abhishek and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. The couple apparently talk all things about their marriage and their grand wedding. Check out the teaser below!

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