Ban These Fools Too!

Offo! I’m already sick of this Shah Rukh Khan behaving badly hoopla. Without getting into details and taking sides as to if he was right or not, I hardly think he’s going to care if he’s banned from Wankhede Stadium. The guy can buy his own stadium if he wanted to. I think if anyone should be blamed, it should be Priyanka Chopra. Since the lady has entered his life vis-à-vis their so-called love affair, nothing seems to be going right for King Khan. Okay PC lovers, don’t go getting your panties in a knot on me. Relax. I was kidding. Anyway, like I tweeted yesterday, now if only we could ban SRK from films, we’d be good to go. Now don’t you SRK fans go nuts on me. You guys also relax. But that got me thinking. Which other stars needed to be banned and for what reasons? <Insert evil laugh here> Check it out!

Tusshar Kapoor should be banned effective immediately from taking such pictures. See, I’m sure his 10 fans fainted after he tried (and failed) to pull a John Abraham on the world. But those moobs and that really unsexy face (what kinda expression is that?) made most people faint from shock.

I’ve always said that post Fashion, Priyanka Chopra’s wannabe attitude hit an all time high. But more recently, I heard her speaking in an interview and basically, I wanted to puke. It wasn’t what she said but the way she said it. We get it; you have an accent—good for you. But we’ve heard you speak normally so just cause you’re abroad, there is no need to sit and turn it on. And because of that, PC should be banned from speaking.

If anyone needs to be banned from any form of social network, publications and banned from appearing in front of any camera, it should be Poonam Pandey. And there are a number of reasons for this, 1) she isn’t sexy, 2) she steals tweets, 3) she can’t spell, 4) she is a waste of space in the cyber world. She should be banned from being human even.

My ‘favorite’ Freida Pinto should be banned from India. The damned girl got super lucky with Slumdog Millionaire but since then her attitude has become very hoity toity. And then the girl has the audacity to claim that Bollywood isn’t her thing. Dude, Bollywood doesn’t want you; neither does India for that matter.

And then there are these ones:

Shahid Kapoor should be banned from all Spelling Bee competitions.

Karan Johar needs to be banned from making movies in London and New York. Make a movie in India fool.

Let’s ban Bipasha Basu from wearing clothes. She hardly wears any anyway.

And lastly, Sid Mallya should be banned from looking at mirrors. They’re lying to him and telling him he’s hot property.

Ban karlo please. Woh bhi now!

Is it Ta-Ta, Bye-Bye for Priyanka Chopra?

I think this piece needs a disclaimer before anything else. So here is.

The Disclaimer: I am NOT a Priyanka Chopra hater. Really. Not at all.

That said Piggy Chops is in a bit of a tight spot sadly. She finds herself devoid of actors who are willing to star with her courtesy of her rather iffy ways. Now if we get started, we’ll be here for ages. But in a nutshell, Akshay Kumar and Shah Rukh Khan cannot star with her anymore after both their wives have expressed their discomfort towards her “close proximity” towards the men. In turn, Hrithik Roshan has decided he too will keep afar from Chopra Madam after SRK’s wife, who happens to his Roshan’s wife’s best friend, made it clear she didn’t like PC. Salman Khan and Ajay Devgan have had issues with her for ages now while Abhishek Bachchan chooses to keep his distance from her after some award ceremony song choice hoopla. Saif Ali Khan stays away because of Bebo. Shahid Kapoor, her ex-beau, chooses to keep her far and wide for obvious reasons while Aamir Khan sees no reason to star with her. Lastly, there is Ranbir Kapoor who doesn’t want his pairing with her to go stale and so will not sign anymore films with her. Not for a while at least.

The above actors are considered Bollywood’s A-listers which means she’s left with a handful of unpopular actors to work with. Not exactly a good situation for PC, no?

But fikaar not, Priyanka, you’ve been voted number 69 on Ask Men UK’s Top 99 Women of 2012. P.C. fans rejoice quickly before I absolutely shred this piece of nonsense. Done? Ho gaya? So basically this piece is nothing but a farce because this list also has includes Sunny Leone and Frieda Pinto. Need I say more? But let’s get down into the nitty-gritty’s of it. AskMen UK claim she makes the list because of her talent. Done; that she is. But very quickly, I’d like to remind everyone that the last hit film Priyanka had was back in 2008. Post then, she’s had a string of flops: Kaminey, What’s Your Raashee?, Pyaar Impossible, Anjaana Anjaani, 7 Khoon Maaf and Don 2. Agneepath was all about Hrithik Roshan, Rishi Kapoor and Sanjay Dutt; let’s be honest here.

So Nosy!

And then, they go on to describe her quite aptly, “bee-stung lips, coffee-coloured eyes and voluptuous, hourglass figure…” But hold up, “bee-stung lips?” More like Botox filled courtesy of plastic surgeon Daddy Chopra. And how could they forget to mention her nose job which has completely changed her profile – trust me, I’ve paid very close attention. But all this is fine. It’s the next part which pisses the crap outta me. “Chopra will be exposing a new side of herself to Westerners when she releases an eagerly awaited English-language album later this year.” Uh, okay. I’ve heard her sing and trust me, she is quite average. And if you have to sing because your shampoo bottles claim you're fabulous, no problem, but cut a Hindi album at least! Why do you need to impress the westerners? How many Western artists want to “impress” the East and thus, cut a Hindi album?

Look, I’m not hating; think of this as a reality check for Priyanka Chopra. Basically, the actress needs to shed her “I’m too cool for school” attitude and she’ll be fine. In the meantime, PC has quite a task ahead of her which should begin with finding co-stars. Pronto.

2012: Can You Handle Me?

Welcome to 2012 people! New Years Eve put me a pretty rad mood but totally screwed me over  health-wise. So my first good deed for the year is to give you some not-to-do drinking tips. 1) Do not drink on an empty stomach, and 2) Binge drinking is not a good idea; even if it is NYE. Now, if only someone had told me this earlier. So yes, it’s post the hangover and awful flu, which attacked me simultaneously, that I’m here now ready to bamboozle 2012. Everyone around me seems to believe that the year has gotten off to a pretty good start. I haven’t made up my mind just yet. But while I’m on undecided on the manner in which 2012 has begun, I’m sure of what I need to work on this year. No, these are not resolutions. They’re more like “rules and guidelines” for the year twenty-twelve.

Someone said to me that they like how my blog is an open book/diary; a peek into my life. I “awwed” and then realized that during the month of December, RWN became a sleaze fest vis-à-vis The Garam Sharam Awards. Alas that is so last year. While I intend on keeping up with more honest (read: blasé, bold, beautiful, boombaat and bombastic) pieces, this one is a bit somber one to begin the year with.

I solemnly swear not to sweat the small stuff. It ain’t worth it. As it is, mujhe Bade Acche Lagte Hain.

I solemnly swear not to take my body for granted. This is a genuine one.

I will try my hardest (sorry, cannot swear on this one) not to make fun of the following ladies: Frieda Pinto, Poonam Pandey, Sunny Leone and Karan Johar.

I solemnly swear not to get worked up with “people” who irk me for whatever reason. It’s not fair for me to judge other people if they are not affecting my life. If I must advocate or be an activist, it should be for a more legit causes like why Sunny Leone looks like a man to me.

I solemnly swear I will be audacious, more nonchalant, more verbose, more pompous and even more overbearing.

I solemnly swear to blog about more sleaze because sex sells and girls who write about it get a lot more hits. Being shameless is how you get famous, I hear.

I solemnly swear to finally figure out my relationship with Bollywood. This love-hate thing we have going on is not healthy. And secretly, Bollywood knows I adore him.
(Side note: Bollywood is definitely a man; it plays far too many games)

I solemnly swear to love the movies everyone hates and hate the ones everyone else adores.

I solemnly swear to further dig item songs as I am an item song whore.

I solemnly swear to use bigger words. Even if it yields presage complete upheaval and even stupefaction.

I solemnly swear not to call people names.

I solemnly swear that to switch loyalties to Canada if team India continue to play as complete assclowns. Crap, so much for no name calling.  

And lastly, I solemnly swear to continue being fabulous, bitchy and walk around like a Diva. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Any wager as to how quickly I will break one of the above? I think I may break one in oh, approximately 2.5 seconds. But hey, rules, resolutions and bridges are meant to be broken. And anyway, likhne mein kya hai?

This may actually be the year that cannot handle me; normally it's the other way around. Time will tell guys and dolls. In the meantime, have a fabulous 2012!

The-Piss-Roshni-Off-Club

You’ve probably figured out by now that I am incapable of speaking diplomatically. And what irks me more than anything in the world are people or rather celebs that are useless but walk around like they are successful for whatever reason. But then again, it is these very personalities that drive me to write and rant more and more. There are a number of these so-called celebs who never fail to piss me off. And today I dedicate an entire write up to them; for their ability to be nothing and yet have the audacity to name call themselves celebrities. Oh whatever.

When it comes to Karan Johar, my blood boils. I cannot fathom how it is that Karan Johar is a) still around, and b) actually has the finances to fund films that are trashy and plain stupid. And it isn’t like he isn’t capable of good work. As a director, he has given us one good film: Kuch Kuch Hota Hain. And then, he went into “I am awesome!” mode after which he has failed nonstop. Yes, we have been treated to a number of Johar directed useless films. You know what Karan Johar does best? Suck up to the stars. So basically, he would best as an ass-kisser, if that was a real-job at all. I think somewhere down the line he realized that he had to utilize his ass-kissing skills would come in handy IF he made proper use of it. And thus, out came the legendary Koffee with Karan. Now, I have seen every episode. However in my defense, I only watched KWK because it gave me more reason to poke fun at K-Jo. And now of course, the director has supposedly fallen into depression courtesy of his “protégés” (read: wannabes). Yes, believing in his new band of boys, the KJo donned the producer hat only and took on their scripts giving them the chance of a life. And what happened next was a series of bad flop films. It is for this apparent reason that Karan Johar has decided to take a small sabbatical from film making and is apparently scripting. God save us. What on earth will he give us next. Oh and he also has some issue with the media now. Yes, something about them being mean to him and so on. Uh do you blame them? Note to K Jo: Quit making and investing in bad films; the media will begin loving you.

And then there is the International Star: Frieda Pinto. Right. So basically this girl goes from no one to someone overnight courtesy of a terrible film where she had no role. Before she knew it, she was adorned with fans, international film offers, a new boyfriend, designer clothes and is plastered on the cover of a number of fashion magazines. All that doesn’t bother me. What irritates the crap out of me is how Pinto has all of a sudden become a “oh I’m not appreciated in India” character. Her comments never fail to make me super mad. First it was her claim that the paparazzi doesn’t exist in India. Uh, lady, perhaps you should ask big Bollywood stars how they are literally stalked by the media on a daily basis. Baat karti hain! And then her incredible naive comment about how she has not been “appreciated” or “accepted” in India. Uh duh! You ain’t worth it Frieda. Not only do you lack talent but a brain too apparently.

For the most part, I don’t mind Himesh Reshammiya, but when he goes crazy on reality shows and comes on screen, then yes, I cringe and hit my head with irritation. I would be fine if he continued to sing in his nasal voice and make repetitive music with cheesy lyrics. At least I would have a choice in the matter. But when he is on my favorite reality singing show or his movie is on the verge of release, it is impossible to get rid of him. He is always around. Definitely not fun. And what’s up with his attitude?

And while I’m on it, the following also irritate me on occasion of different reasons:

Mallika Sherawat: Her wannabe accent and Hollywood-is-for-me-not-Bollywood diva attitude is so lame.

Abhishek Bachchan: His put-on American accent is so boring.

Sonam Kapoor: For constantly claiming that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Dude, you are a bad actress irrespective.

Just writing about all these people has literally pissed me off. To all of them I say, a big fat WHATEVER.