Do's and Don'ts for Celebs in the New Year!

2013 is only moments away and this means, it’s a good time to start afresh. For our Bollywood stars, this means they get to put the past behind them—the flop films, controversies and any other pieces of the year they’d prefer to forget. But there are some of our favorite Bollywood actors who need some help in making these resolutions. And who better but us to help them!

Bipasha Basu
It’s a real easy one for Bipasha Basu. All she really needs to do is fine a man who will marry her and her problems with be solved. And while she’s at it, can she please sign a film in which we do not need to see all of her body? I would like to see a fully clad Bipasha for a change.

Shah Rukh Khan
Shah Rukh Khan should vow to stay away from drinking, cricket, slapping people and lastly, he should run in the opposite direction from Priyanka Chopra.

Saif Ali Khan
Maybe post marriage, Kareena Kapoor can learn to cook. That way, Saif Ali Khan will stay away from hotel restaurants and thus, will not go around hitting other guests.

Rani Mukherjee
Get married and stop acting, Rani. Please spare us with another nonsensical film where we are forced to watch you overact and belly dance. Please.

Priyanka Chopra
Stay away from married men.

Ajay Devgn
Honestly Ajay, all this hoopla you created around Son of Sardar is very unlike you. Please go back to your subtle ungimmicky ways, please. We like you in silent mode.

Shahid Kapoor
If you follow Shahid Kapoor on Twitter, you know that he has serious issues with grammar and spelling. This year, maybe the actor can take some English lessons to help improve his tweets.

Karan Johar
K Jo should just promise he won’t torture us with anymore cheesy films or another season of Koffee with Karan in 2013.

Katrina Kaif
Do not kiss any co-stars in 2013 because she makes kissing looking icky and uncomfortable.

John Abraham
Please solve your issues with Bipasha and give us a break, John. We’re tired of listening to the stories and gossip.

~
First published Bollywood Hungama, December 31st, 2012

Shahid Kapoor Ki Shaadi: Prospective Brides

So Shahid Kapoor missed the boat with Bebo, eh? Poor chap. And word on the street is that he will be avoiding contact with the media for the next few days until the Saifeena shaadi festivities die down. But why so blue, Shahid? Your day will come soon; you’ll be a groom too. And since you’ve become rather fussy about your ladies post Bebo, I’ve decided to help you and play matchmaker. They say matchmaking is the best way to gain brownie points with the uparwala and so to aid you, here are some lovely ladies for you to
choose from and to make your Mrs. Kapoor.

Priyanka Chopra
Look, you obviously have some kind of bizarre with Priyanka Chopra; admit it. I can kinda see it—she’s a bit eccentric, quite like you. And just think logistically. Don’t you both live in the same building? How easy would it be to move her belongings to your place? But seriously, you both seem to have some kind of chemistry between the both of you, so why not P.C.? Post your break up, she took to a popular married Mr. Khan; not such a smart idea. See what you did to her? Now is your chance to reel her back and woo her again. This is quite a Teri Meri Kahani you both have, haan.

Vidya Balan
She’s popular, bankable, sexy and could be gharelu which makes Vidya Balan a good choice for you, Shahid. Add to that the fact that you both share some Kismet Konnection wali history and voila, there is one more reason for the both of you to come together in holy matrimony. Err, and considering your string of flops, it may help to have Vidya on your side right now. But you’ll have to entice her rather well, you see. Apparently, she’s cozying up to one popular UTV Films producer.


Sonam Kapoor
Okay, so your film together didn’t exactly create waves but so what? Sonam Kapoor is a girl you should consider, Shahid. For starters, look at all the similarities you both share. Both of ya’ll are Kapoors, both have veteran fathers as actors, both are kinda useless and possess an air that no one really gets. She also happens to be an avid reader which is good for you since you are in dire need of private spelling lessons. See, made for each other you both are…in any Mausam also.


Nargis Fakhri
Nargis Fakhri claims there is nothing between you and her. Lies. We know you both had somewhat of a fling…or something. We’ve heard so many damn rumors about you both moving in, helping each other in icky situations and so on, that if you dare to tell me there was never anything between the two of you, I will send a girl gand, I mean gang, to your house.


Amrita Rao
At the end of the day, you can always just go back to your first heroine, no? Amrita Rao is in actuality, the most ideal girl for you. In fact, believe it or not, you are most liked when you star opposite Rao. Five films and you’ve never really been linked to Amrita, how did you allow that to happen, Shahid? That is so unlike you. For this reason, if not any other, at least court the pretty girl. Both of your careers are at the same place too—bottom of a dry lake. Ishq Vishk toh banta hai boss.


All of a sudden, things don’t look so bad, haan Shahid? Also, see how I conveniently left out Katrina Kaif for you. Slightly worried you might leave out a 'T' from her name…problem na ho jaaye, you know. Now choose, fast fast!

Ban These Fools Too!

Offo! I’m already sick of this Shah Rukh Khan behaving badly hoopla. Without getting into details and taking sides as to if he was right or not, I hardly think he’s going to care if he’s banned from Wankhede Stadium. The guy can buy his own stadium if he wanted to. I think if anyone should be blamed, it should be Priyanka Chopra. Since the lady has entered his life vis-à-vis their so-called love affair, nothing seems to be going right for King Khan. Okay PC lovers, don’t go getting your panties in a knot on me. Relax. I was kidding. Anyway, like I tweeted yesterday, now if only we could ban SRK from films, we’d be good to go. Now don’t you SRK fans go nuts on me. You guys also relax. But that got me thinking. Which other stars needed to be banned and for what reasons? <Insert evil laugh here> Check it out!

Tusshar Kapoor should be banned effective immediately from taking such pictures. See, I’m sure his 10 fans fainted after he tried (and failed) to pull a John Abraham on the world. But those moobs and that really unsexy face (what kinda expression is that?) made most people faint from shock.

I’ve always said that post Fashion, Priyanka Chopra’s wannabe attitude hit an all time high. But more recently, I heard her speaking in an interview and basically, I wanted to puke. It wasn’t what she said but the way she said it. We get it; you have an accent—good for you. But we’ve heard you speak normally so just cause you’re abroad, there is no need to sit and turn it on. And because of that, PC should be banned from speaking.

If anyone needs to be banned from any form of social network, publications and banned from appearing in front of any camera, it should be Poonam Pandey. And there are a number of reasons for this, 1) she isn’t sexy, 2) she steals tweets, 3) she can’t spell, 4) she is a waste of space in the cyber world. She should be banned from being human even.

My ‘favorite’ Freida Pinto should be banned from India. The damned girl got super lucky with Slumdog Millionaire but since then her attitude has become very hoity toity. And then the girl has the audacity to claim that Bollywood isn’t her thing. Dude, Bollywood doesn’t want you; neither does India for that matter.

And then there are these ones:

Shahid Kapoor should be banned from all Spelling Bee competitions.

Karan Johar needs to be banned from making movies in London and New York. Make a movie in India fool.

Let’s ban Bipasha Basu from wearing clothes. She hardly wears any anyway.

And lastly, Sid Mallya should be banned from looking at mirrors. They’re lying to him and telling him he’s hot property.

Ban karlo please. Woh bhi now!

Is it Ta-Ta, Bye-Bye for Priyanka Chopra?

I think this piece needs a disclaimer before anything else. So here is.

The Disclaimer: I am NOT a Priyanka Chopra hater. Really. Not at all.

That said Piggy Chops is in a bit of a tight spot sadly. She finds herself devoid of actors who are willing to star with her courtesy of her rather iffy ways. Now if we get started, we’ll be here for ages. But in a nutshell, Akshay Kumar and Shah Rukh Khan cannot star with her anymore after both their wives have expressed their discomfort towards her “close proximity” towards the men. In turn, Hrithik Roshan has decided he too will keep afar from Chopra Madam after SRK’s wife, who happens to his Roshan’s wife’s best friend, made it clear she didn’t like PC. Salman Khan and Ajay Devgan have had issues with her for ages now while Abhishek Bachchan chooses to keep his distance from her after some award ceremony song choice hoopla. Saif Ali Khan stays away because of Bebo. Shahid Kapoor, her ex-beau, chooses to keep her far and wide for obvious reasons while Aamir Khan sees no reason to star with her. Lastly, there is Ranbir Kapoor who doesn’t want his pairing with her to go stale and so will not sign anymore films with her. Not for a while at least.

The above actors are considered Bollywood’s A-listers which means she’s left with a handful of unpopular actors to work with. Not exactly a good situation for PC, no?

But fikaar not, Priyanka, you’ve been voted number 69 on Ask Men UK’s Top 99 Women of 2012. P.C. fans rejoice quickly before I absolutely shred this piece of nonsense. Done? Ho gaya? So basically this piece is nothing but a farce because this list also has includes Sunny Leone and Frieda Pinto. Need I say more? But let’s get down into the nitty-gritty’s of it. AskMen UK claim she makes the list because of her talent. Done; that she is. But very quickly, I’d like to remind everyone that the last hit film Priyanka had was back in 2008. Post then, she’s had a string of flops: Kaminey, What’s Your Raashee?, Pyaar Impossible, Anjaana Anjaani, 7 Khoon Maaf and Don 2. Agneepath was all about Hrithik Roshan, Rishi Kapoor and Sanjay Dutt; let’s be honest here.

So Nosy!

And then, they go on to describe her quite aptly, “bee-stung lips, coffee-coloured eyes and voluptuous, hourglass figure…” But hold up, “bee-stung lips?” More like Botox filled courtesy of plastic surgeon Daddy Chopra. And how could they forget to mention her nose job which has completely changed her profile – trust me, I’ve paid very close attention. But all this is fine. It’s the next part which pisses the crap outta me. “Chopra will be exposing a new side of herself to Westerners when she releases an eagerly awaited English-language album later this year.” Uh, okay. I’ve heard her sing and trust me, she is quite average. And if you have to sing because your shampoo bottles claim you're fabulous, no problem, but cut a Hindi album at least! Why do you need to impress the westerners? How many Western artists want to “impress” the East and thus, cut a Hindi album?

Look, I’m not hating; think of this as a reality check for Priyanka Chopra. Basically, the actress needs to shed her “I’m too cool for school” attitude and she’ll be fine. In the meantime, PC has quite a task ahead of her which should begin with finding co-stars. Pronto.

If SRK Got Slapped...

Can you imagine if Shirish Kunder got the chance to tell Shah Rukh Khan, “Thappad se darr nahin lagta saab, pyar se lagta hai." The tables may have actually turned. Shirish may have actually joined the likes of Karan Johar and hopped on to SRK’s bum-chums bandwagon. But then, there would have been no slap, no controversy and no jokes. All of a sudden the now infamous slap seems a lot more exciting. What the exact truth is on the SRK-Shirish Kunder slap story, we’ll never know. But I’ll say this, as much as I’m a declared (and crowned) SRK hater, I think he may have done the right thing by whacking Kunder.  Anyone who sports hair like that deserves a tight slap. However, keeping with my reputation of hating on the thug ala SRK, here’s a different angle to the situation. Since SRK has become the official slapper of the industry, I can’t help but wonder which stars would love to give King Khan a smack…or two.

Gauri Khan
Every wife at some point in time wants to slap their husband. I’m sure Gauri is one of those wives. The poor woman is probably so damn confused!  Who wouldn’t be? She could barely get her head around figuring out whether her husband was batting for the “other” team and here she is now dealing with rumors of her husband supposedly getting down with Priyanka Chopra. Perhaps a slap will knock some sense into her hubby.

Salman Khan
I’m sure Sallu miyan’s hand is itching to smack SRK; even if it’s one zor ka jhaapad. The duo cannot even stand to be in the same area as one another after their dosti went sour a few years ago. However, post the Kunder incident, where apparently Farah’s husband was heard referring to Salman a few times during the heated argument with SRK, you can be sure he’s waiting to get his hands on SRK.

Shahid Kapoor
Apparently, it was SRK who created many a rifts between Shahid Kapoor and his belle Priyanka Chopra. The reason? Cause he most likely wanted Piggy Chopps for himself, duh! Think Shahid wouldn’t mind taking a quick blow at the Don? I think so.

Juhi Chawla
She is one of his oldest friends and in recent times, Juhi Chawla, who stood by SRK through his thick and thin days, has been sidelined by the actor. Word has it that she’s so pissed off by how he practically ignores him now and thus, has decided to publicly oust him. She for one is probably fuming at the King. A red hot mirchi-filled thaapad looks like it’s on its way.

Sourav Ganguly
Dada is hardly one to slap anyone. But he does own many a cricket bat ergo SRK should be worried cause a cricket bat beating is far more painful than a mere slap. The owner of the Kolkatta Knightriders has in the past diminished Sourav Ganguly’s presence and revoked his captaincy only to falter. And while Sourav has yet to come out and scream about the incident, Dada and all of Bengal wouldn’t mind slapping him.

Shirish Kunder
Yeah, the slapee probably wants to get back at the slapper, no? While Shirish has claimed that he will not be taking this abuse to the cops, he still maintains his airy ways and is digging all the attention he is receiving vis-à-vis the slap. In fact, he should be thanking SRK for the popularity; otherwise Shirish was known for making flop films and of course, as Mr. Farah Khan. But yes, revenge will be on the Joker’s mind.

Okay SRK fans, I bear my cross. Peace. <Runs>

Bollywood Hungama blog link: If SRK Got Slapped....

100 Word Review: Mausam

Mausam is apparently an epic love story which follows the love of a couple who fall in love at eighteen, separate, travel the world only to find each other and then lose one another again. And again. And again. Sheer disappointment from Pankaj Kapur; was really expecting intelligent hard-hitting cinema from him. Shahid is a cross between SRK and Aamir Khan before he pulls out his Tom Cruise Ray-Bans. Sonam is as pretty as a peach but hams. Fifteen minutes into the film, you realize Mausam has hints of DDLJ and Veer-Zaara. You also realize Mausam is an epic bore.

Bollywood Venting Session!

I have a number of loves and while I can't choose between two of my biggest loves, Bollywood and Cricket, it doesn't mean I heart one more than the other. Equal pyar bhai. Both of them make me proud on days while they irk me on others. Either way, my dil goes dhak-dhak solely for them. And while I'm on a cricket high currently, I'm also on a Bollywood low. I'm not sure what's going on with Hindi film world, but right now they are doing a fab job of pissing me off. Some of what's going on in B-town is prevalent and now while other issues I have with the industry are simply ones that have been floating around in my head for a while. So here's a bit of a banter session which I need to vent about.

Chup Chup Ke Kyun?

What is up with a large population of our stars who to go on the defense with their relationship statuses'? It's almost become like a fad to keep everyone guessing about whether or not you are seeing person XYZ or not. How boring. Everyone from Shahid and Priyanka, Siddharth Mallya and Deepika to Anushka and Ranveer, seem to believe this "trend" is the way to go with relationship statuses' in Bollywood. And then it gets even worst! Bipasha and John, who couldn't stop praising and singing hymns of their compatibility, are clearly broken up now. But when instead of coming out and acknowledging that they are in fact over, they choose to take a "no comment" boring stand on the question. What's the problem Bips and John? You didn't tire of talking about each other when you were together, why the hush-hush break up? Will someone please tell all these stars that a) we don't care and 2) get over it. #epicfailbollywood

World Bigger than the Universe

I've had Sushmita Sen and Lara Dutta on my mind a lot lately. Don't get me wrong - I don't swing that way, although I do admit to claiming that Sush is the only woman in the world who could intelligently and sexily persuade me to jump the gun with her. Moving on swiftly now, I have a question for our not-so intelligent Bollywood folks: why is it our Miss World's seem to hog all the attention (and films) while our Miss Universes' seem to lag behind? Let's be a bit honest here. Ash may be more beautiful than Sush lookswise, but there has to be a reason why the latter was chosen as Miss Universe, no? Uh yeah, Sush is a million times more intelligent people! The same goes for Lara and Priyanka - although, I believe Lara is genuinely more prettier than Priyanka any day. However, Lara and Sush are by far smarter, wittier and more intelligent. However, Ash and Piggy reign far more supreme. Sad, we can't see intelligence and talent even for its true worth. #yetagainepicfailbollywood

Karan is Gone! 

Praise the lord, Karan Johar's show Koffee with Karan is seeing its seasons end! Thank you television gods for having mercy on us. This has been his worst season with stars at their fakest best. No one impressed or wowed; no one was interesting; no one decided, "Okay, I'm not gonna kiss butt". Everyone came on, rubbed each others backs and left. But it's the host, KJo who irritates me the most. I mean how annoying can you get? How much butt can you lick? And how many more times will you tell everyone how you've known Duggu and Bebo for years? We don't care. Please leave your coffee and never come back. #KaransKarvaKoffeeKaththum

Ahh! Now that makes me happy. Khunaas out, heart emptied, venting over. Shutter down, Dhukaan bandh!

*Yawn* Gossip!

Bollywood is a strange world. And gossip that comes out of it daily can be sensational and sometimes even monotonous; read: same old. So what are those pieces of gossip that we hear repeatedly without them going stale? Check it out!


She's Pregnant!
Any actress that is married and is yet to conceive, finds herself in the midst of this major piece of gossip. All it takes is one sighting, one walk down the ramp or the fact that she is glowing, and boom, she is almost immediately pregnant. And for all you know, the actress may have just put on a teeny-tiny bit of weight but really that is not allowed! And so she must be pregnant.
Case Study: Aishwarya Rai Bachchan finds herself in the center of this particular one!

It's Over!
Yeah, the best of couples have had to endure this piece of gossip: the split story. They can be as honest and open about their relationship but they will no doubt be split up by the media for whatever reason. It can be another man or women, the fact that they haven't been seen together in a while or are seen in the presence of another star and badda-bing, the superstar and starlette are over!
Case Study: Priyanka Chopra and Shahid Kapoor are nonstop in the news for their alleged break ups.

Nip/Tuck
They've all done a bit but admit it? Hell no! That would be so wrong. So we hear rumors of too much botox on a prominent PZ and the nose job of one SS followed by the boob job of the very sexy BB. And when they get caught, they come out with fab excuses which they expect us to buy.
Case Study: Recently Salman Khan apparently got his under eye bags surgically removed; he claims its a mere scratch.

Saath-Saath
When news of break ups come, then news of new hook ups are always popping up. The minute a celebrity finds themselves in the "single" zone, the media takes it upon themselves to play matchmaker. And then they common statement that is seen in tabloids all over include "X and Y are rumored to be..." Fill in the blanks yourself!
Case Study: Sonam Kapoor and Ranbir Kapoor, Punit Malhotra, Abhay Deol...

B*tch Fights
The actresses deny it and the media insists it happens. If they do or not, only the actresses will be able to tell you. Nowadays they all claim they are thorough professionals and get along with one another. And if they don't, well, they certainly are doing a helluva a job acting like they dote on one another.
Case Study: Once rivals, Kareena Kapoor and Bipasha Basu, have apparently made peace now with one another.

Shahid + Priyanka: Sitting in a Tree?

Shahid Kapur and Priyanka Chopra may not admit it openly, but there is definitely is something brewing. Individually the actors have been seen bonding with other's kith and kin (read: siblings) so much so that Priyanka is seen actively tweeting with Ishaan Kapur, Shahid's laadla younger brother. And that isn't all. PC is often seen playing on the PS with Ishaan and Shahid. Of course Chopra is quick to say no to the so-called rumors, "I don't play games with Ishaan, but yes, I know him for many years." Oh spare us PC! 

If all goes well, it looks like we could see a Chopra-Kapur wedding soon.

Zero Dinero!

In this day and age, where Bollywood celebs are constantly fighting to be the number one and vying to be the highest paid actors, we find that some (very few) actors actually are generous enough to take on films with absolutely no to little pay. Check it out.

Bipasha Basu: The actress forgoed any amount of remuneration for her role in Lamhaa

Shahid Kapoor: When it came to his minuscle role in Paathshala, Shahid said no to any form of payment as he wanted the film to reach out to people.

Akshay Kumar: Believe it or not, Khiladi Kumar, who is known for charging immense amounts of money for his films, is taking absolutely nothing for Tees Maar Khan which is also co-producing.


John Abraham: No money was taken by John for Aashayein.


Imran Khan: As a thank you to uncle Aamir, Imran has taken nothing for Delhi Belly.

Salman Khan: The uber generous Salman Khan always does it free for his family. He charged nothing for Atul Agnihotri's Hello and friend Saawan Kumar for his film Love - The Love Season.

Shah Rukh Khan: And lastly, SRK, an actor who does nothing for free, actually worked on Bhootnath for zero paisa!

Mirch Masala

With so much going on in the news, I figured it would be a good idea to give you guys a bit of this, a dash of that and pinch of everything; thus, Mirch Masala.

And if we're talking spicy, then Bipasha Basu is as hot as they get. But the normally incredibly smart girl has a rather odd reason for not wanting to get married. Are you ready for this? She doesn't like to get dressed up and naturally would need to over-deck for her own shaadi. Erm... considering we've seen the actress really doll up on screen, this one is a really strange reason for not wanting to get married! And if I was getting married to John Abraham, I'd find no reason not to get married.

Poor Nysa Devgn, that's Kajol and Ajay's daughter. The young girl managed to somehow convince Dad to take her to Disney this summer only for him to cancel. With Kajol preggers and unable to travel, it was going to be a Father-Daughter week away but work came in the way and poor Nysa is finding herself stuck at home all summer.

Priyanka Chopra has come out to finally reveal what kind of man she wants: "I like the male chauvinist Punjabi." Much like all of us, P.C.'s ideal man has been distorted by Bollywood films. She wants a guy who will fight tooth-and-nail for her and called herself a "complete drama-momma". Either way, she isn't looking to settle down anytime soon -- five years from now is when she would like to indulge in holy matrimony. Now looking at her track record, all her ex-beaus have been pure bred Punjabis: Harman Baweja, Shahid Kapoor and even Akshay Kumar (does he count?). Hmmm... perhaps she is hinting at one of these men as a prospective husband?


Oh and lastly, India Couture Week has moved from Mumbai to Delhi. And of course, it is creating much drama! Some designers are not going, others are upset for other reasons -- you know how the fashion world works: Drama-Rama galore! Either way, I'm excited to see some outrageous designs from some of the best in the country. And and and I will be keeping a close eye on the front row to see which celebs come out to support the designs. 


Source: Mid-Day and Times of India