All Garam, No Sharam Awards: Boobalicious in 2011!

It’s finally that time folks, where we crown the diva who has worked, what is perhaps the most crucial asset to any heroine in Bollywood. Yes, guys and dolls, this is mother of the All Garam, No Sharam Awards: The Rack of the Year. In the past, our actresses have been slightly conservative with the amount of cleavage they display. Now however, actresses are hotter than the Sahara in July and displaying boobage hardly generates much shock value. This year there have been ladies who have let it all out (if you know what I mean) and others who’ve messed with your head and teased you. Either way, they are all deserving of a mention. Here’s counting down the top five ladies who’ve done it shamelessly in style.

5. Kangna Ranaut
Where did those boobs come from? That is the real question here. Known for being flat-chested and how, it surprised moviegoers when all of a sudden Kangna Ranaut was seen looking boobalicious in Rascals. Whether it was in her white bikini or in the low-necked dresses she sported, her new “friends” were in the limelight. And you can be sure, you’ll see more of them in the future.

4. Bipasha Basu
There was a time where Bipasha Basu’s honkers made tongues wag among other things. And while they still make eyes widen, we see far too less of her…and her boobies. So this year, we caught her exposing her assets at the IIFA 2011 Fashion Show where she walked the ramp for Sabyasachi Mukherjee. Small choli intact, Bipasha strut her stuff as she revealed her babies.

3. Kareena Kapoor
Bebo is not only bootylicious and poutalicious but the pretty Kapoor also has one of the hottest racks in the industry. Kareena’s Chammak Challo number showed quite a good amount of boobage which looked incredibly hot behind that sizzling red choli. Sadly, there are no good images that do justice to her jobes in the song. But to confirm her that she is indeed boobaclious, this should do.

2. Mallika Sherawat

She has one of the best set in the industry, hands down. Perhaps if we appreciated Mallika Sherawat’s beamers a bit more, she’d ditch Hollywood for us. This year we saw play item girl to a number of movies but she did grace us with a sizzling FHM cover where her perfectly round perky breasts were displayed in full tashan. Oh and she did this topless cover shoot as an apology for Hisss. Thank you M.S. Thank you so much.

1. Vidya Balan
Viyda Balan may have starred in a film called The Dirty Picture but there was nothing even remotely grubby about her and her blinkers performance. They were all over the place! In fact, we saw nearly every angle of her breasts which spilled out of her choli and took over the screen. Despite the fact that she was rather chunky in the film, she still rocked her bosom exposure which were lifted, smushed and enhanced. However you look at it, she is this year’s queen and her boobs take the crown for the best guns of the year.

It's a wrap folks! That ends this year’s installment of the “All Garam, No Sharam Awards”. Thank you all for audaciously indulging in the best of besharami in 2011. Here’s hoping 2012 will be more shameless and hotter! Until next year, ta-ta.

All Garam, No Sharam Awards: Bumbastic in 2011!

As Desis, we pay far more attention to boobies rather than butts. And I’m really not sure why. A hot hiney is equally as sexy, no? I mean on the dance floor, a gal who can shake it well, garners far more attention than any other girl. And since our actresses dance to all kinds of tunes on dance floors, hills, beaches and even trains, it only makes sense to honor the best bums in Bollywood this year. And where better but(t) at the “All Garam, No Sharam Awards” to pay a special thanks to our leading ladies who have been Bumbastic in 2011.

Special Mention: Sonam Kapoor
She may be uber stylish, but it is rather rare that anyone can actually sit and admire Sonam Kapoor for anything other than her fashionista ways (oh lord, Sonam fans are gonna kill me). However, there is one such moment where her backside really “shone”. While she made heads turn at Cannes 2011, it was her bootilicious white ensemble that made her otherwise invisible booty come to prominence. Perhaps her outfit gave her the boost she needed; either way she makes it to the list!

5. Zarine Khan
Zarine Khan did very little this year. It was her “Character Dheela” bum shaking that made audiences realize she did have some talent. Her already voluptuous body was enhanced further by her round booty which she shook and shook and shook some more. I guess she finally found something she’s good at. As long as it isn’t acting, we ain’t complaining. Even Sallu miyan had to take a look!

4. Jacqueline Fernandez
This Sri Lankan beauty has always had a killer body but we got a real peek into her “assets” in Murder 2. And she made tongues fall to the ground with her role as a sexy model. But throughout the film, we saw her perfect curvy hiney hang out from micro-shorts and figure tight dresses. Now the million dollar question is, why does Emraan Hashmi always get to hang out with the most bootlicious gals in B-town?

3. Kareena Kapoor
Back in the day, pre size zero days, Bebo had a booty that was perfect. In between, she lost her curvy hiney courtesy of unhealthy ways. However, Kareena Kapoor’s booty has made a beautiful comeback just in time to go pop-pop-pop. In Ra.One, we saw her shake her tushy with full swagger. It really is slightly criminal to have a backside like that.

2. Mallika Sherawat
Whether she’s Jalebi Bai or Razia, Mallika Sherawat never fails to jiggle that junk in her trunk. I’m always fascinated by how “round” her endowments are; irrespective of their position on her body. But back to her behind, it’s hardly a secret that she’s on this list. This year we saw her shake what her mama gave her as Jalebi Bai and then on the Cannes Red Carpet where she exposed her hiney via a sheer lace dress. Either way, you cannot escape her booty. You just cannot.

1. Mallaika Arora Khan
Even though our very own Munni didn’t dance too much this year, she was all over the place exhibiting her nearly perfect bonbon. But then again, Mallaika Arora Khan is hardly one to hide her “assets” from her fans who love it when she puts on a bootlicious jig. What separates her from any of the ladies above is the fact that she is a mommy and wife but she sure as hell can give any of them a run for their money. And might I add, this hiney is au naturelle.

How asstastic are these ladies? I almost feel like Bappi Lahiri should start crooning, "Oh ladki tu hai badi bombaat!" While he won't do that, you have to hand it to them for the bottom smacking hineys. Does it really surprise you that all our leading actors want to get close enough to hit that, no?

Bollywood in Phoren!

Sonam Kap-who:
B'Towns style connoisseur

Every time I write a critical piece on Bollywood, I have to sit and re-iterate that I am a hard core, huge, gigantic, humongous and the most dedicated, Bollywood fan. Hindi cinema and filminess runs through my veins, my blood, my soul. I swear. Whenever possible, I translate Hindi dialogues into English and use it in my daily life. Still not convinced? Okay get this. When my name is called, I pull a complete Bollywood moment as I turn on my heel and swing my hair in full Bollywood style as I answer with a Rajshri, "Jee!" Now are you convinced? Good.

Aish-Who-Are-Ya:
Cannes Veteran

Now getting to what I want to intend to debate, if you choose to call this piece a debate. It's more of reality check, I believe. See, here's the problem. I prefer Shah Rukh Khan (even though I'm not a fan), over Tom Cruise. I prefer Aishwarya Rai Bachchan (yeah, not a fan again) over Angelina Jolie. Why you ask? Well, because they're from apna Bollywood! But let's be real, while they happen to be popular in India, worshipped and all that, they are nobodies abroad. And yet, SRK is the most popular star in the world - even bigger than his Hollywood counterpart, Tom Cruise, apparently. Why? Well, the Indian population is pretty dense all over the world, and we happen to inhabit every nook and cranny on the globe. And while we migrate, populate and earn moolah by the buckets, we take our love for Bollywood with us. So it shouldn't really shock you that SRK has more fans.

Mallika Shera-wha:
Zero impact!

But really, anytime our Bollywood stars attend any international film festivals or events, they are hardly even noticed. Case in point: Cannes 2011. It was bought to my attention via Hindustan Times, that no one knows who the hell they are! They may be pictured wearing their finest international designer wear, may strut their fancy shoe wear on the Red Carpet, but who knows them? Personne; koi nahin; no one. How were they named? With terms like "unidentified guest" and the likes of it. In fact, the foreign media is so confused by our Bollywood stars, that they even mix up their names up! Minisha Lamba, (uh, what was she doing there?) was thought to be Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. "Wha? Kya?" you ask. "Kahan Ash, Kahan Minisha!" But the truth remains that ultimately they are anonymous people on the international carpets. This includes Ash, who despite being a Cannes veteran (10 years and running), attends annually and has even starred in some Hollywood (read: flopped) films, is still unknown. And Mallika Sherawat, who created quite a lot of 'Hissing' noises at festival last year, literally begged for attention with her see-through couture dress this time around only to receive zero recognition.

Saif Ali Kaun:
My Name is Khan!

My question is simple: why do they go? Mahesh Bhatt answered it perfectly: "Party-hopping." I couldn't agree more. But would you attend a party you were invited to even though you knew you'd be ignored? I don't think any dignified person would. What does that make our stars? Conformers. They go cause it's the "cool" thing to do in India.When top-notch Hollywood stars all attend in tow, how can our Desi celebs be left far behind. Nahin, nahin; they too must flock. If you ask me, some attend hoping they'll get a Hollywood film - yeah, right. And then there is the the media; make that the Indian media, who goes hyper when the our celebs go to phoren places. So we sit from afar admiring their clothes, their hair, their shoes but the ultimate deal is simple: Aish-who-are-ya? Sonam Kap-who? Saif Ali Kaun? Mallika Shera-wha? No one at Cannes knows (or cares about) them!

The-Piss-Roshni-Off-Club

You’ve probably figured out by now that I am incapable of speaking diplomatically. And what irks me more than anything in the world are people or rather celebs that are useless but walk around like they are successful for whatever reason. But then again, it is these very personalities that drive me to write and rant more and more. There are a number of these so-called celebs who never fail to piss me off. And today I dedicate an entire write up to them; for their ability to be nothing and yet have the audacity to name call themselves celebrities. Oh whatever.

When it comes to Karan Johar, my blood boils. I cannot fathom how it is that Karan Johar is a) still around, and b) actually has the finances to fund films that are trashy and plain stupid. And it isn’t like he isn’t capable of good work. As a director, he has given us one good film: Kuch Kuch Hota Hain. And then, he went into “I am awesome!” mode after which he has failed nonstop. Yes, we have been treated to a number of Johar directed useless films. You know what Karan Johar does best? Suck up to the stars. So basically, he would best as an ass-kisser, if that was a real-job at all. I think somewhere down the line he realized that he had to utilize his ass-kissing skills would come in handy IF he made proper use of it. And thus, out came the legendary Koffee with Karan. Now, I have seen every episode. However in my defense, I only watched KWK because it gave me more reason to poke fun at K-Jo. And now of course, the director has supposedly fallen into depression courtesy of his “protégés” (read: wannabes). Yes, believing in his new band of boys, the KJo donned the producer hat only and took on their scripts giving them the chance of a life. And what happened next was a series of bad flop films. It is for this apparent reason that Karan Johar has decided to take a small sabbatical from film making and is apparently scripting. God save us. What on earth will he give us next. Oh and he also has some issue with the media now. Yes, something about them being mean to him and so on. Uh do you blame them? Note to K Jo: Quit making and investing in bad films; the media will begin loving you.

And then there is the International Star: Frieda Pinto. Right. So basically this girl goes from no one to someone overnight courtesy of a terrible film where she had no role. Before she knew it, she was adorned with fans, international film offers, a new boyfriend, designer clothes and is plastered on the cover of a number of fashion magazines. All that doesn’t bother me. What irritates the crap out of me is how Pinto has all of a sudden become a “oh I’m not appreciated in India” character. Her comments never fail to make me super mad. First it was her claim that the paparazzi doesn’t exist in India. Uh, lady, perhaps you should ask big Bollywood stars how they are literally stalked by the media on a daily basis. Baat karti hain! And then her incredible naive comment about how she has not been “appreciated” or “accepted” in India. Uh duh! You ain’t worth it Frieda. Not only do you lack talent but a brain too apparently.

For the most part, I don’t mind Himesh Reshammiya, but when he goes crazy on reality shows and comes on screen, then yes, I cringe and hit my head with irritation. I would be fine if he continued to sing in his nasal voice and make repetitive music with cheesy lyrics. At least I would have a choice in the matter. But when he is on my favorite reality singing show or his movie is on the verge of release, it is impossible to get rid of him. He is always around. Definitely not fun. And what’s up with his attitude?

And while I’m on it, the following also irritate me on occasion of different reasons:

Mallika Sherawat: Her wannabe accent and Hollywood-is-for-me-not-Bollywood diva attitude is so lame.

Abhishek Bachchan: His put-on American accent is so boring.

Sonam Kapoor: For constantly claiming that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Dude, you are a bad actress irrespective.

Just writing about all these people has literally pissed me off. To all of them I say, a big fat WHATEVER.

Rent a Star for New Years!

If you're looking to rent a star to make your New Years a Bollywood-filled night, they are up for rent...or they were last year at least. Of course, they will merely perform for you - so don't get any other ideas now! What are the going rates? Check it out!

Katrina Kaif - 2 crores

Bipasha Basu - 1.8 crores

Deepika Padukone - 1 crore (That was last year, probably gone up this year)

Amisha Patel - 60 Lakhs

Mallika Sherawat - 80 Lakhs

Too pricey? They're Bollywood stars! They can charge whatever they want.