Problem, Problem, Problem!

To say that I have a problem with everything is like saying that I love Bollywood; DUH! I really do have an issue with everything in the world. But more recently, it’s my favorite topic, Bollywood that has been really giving me a hard time. A lot of issues that are currently giving me sleepless nights are all courtesy of our filmmakers and on occasion, the stars of the films too. You see, they seem to be irking me with the amount of nonsense they seem to be throwing my way. And since Hong Kong has happened, I've been spending a lot of my free time in front of the telly tuned into MTV. Hence, the issues.

Heroine

Problem #2: I want this dress.

My problem with Heroine is that you need to take an antidepressant after! How on earth anyone can sit through such Negative Nancy film is beyond me. I woke up the next day feeling really blue. Madhur Bandarkar isn’t one who makes ‘feel good’ films but was it necessary to make a film that makes you want to jump off the nearest bridge? And while Bebo rocked as Mahi, at no point in time did I feel an ounce of pity for her character. How on earth Bebo got through the film without falling into a deep case of misery, is beyond me.

Jab Tak Hain Jaan
Oh, dear lord, where to begin with this? I have a big huge problem with Challa, for starters. SRK has single-handedly ruined a beautiful song by dancing around like a spaz. And what is up with Yash Uncle believing that SRK in a beard. Ray Bans and a uniform connotes for a hit film? What kind of 1993 formula is that? But all this aside, its SRK repeatedly chiming the “Jab Tak Hain Jaan” line in the promos that really make me want to pull my hair out! That wannabe orgasmic voice of his is the biggest put off and repetition doesn’t make it any sexier.

Student of the Year
Sigh. Karan, Karan, Karan. What are we going to do with you? I think you should start paying for my sleep aid. Whether it’s your rather odd cast, the cheesiness that is oozing from the promos or the randomness that is Ishq Wala Love, it all makes me want to…puke! I’m not sure what the point of your film is. But then I’m not sure what the point of most your films are anyway, so why should this be any different I suppose.

K.L.P.D.
My problem is simple. Mallaika Sherawat and Vivek Oberoi. Together. In a film. And it’s called KLPD.

Aiyyaa
Umm, I love the soundtrack of the film because it’s catchy and funky. But my issue is with Rani and her new found love for her jiggling belly. It’s really not a fun sight so I think she should kinda sorta hide it. And as excited as I am for the film, I prefer a non-jiggling Rani, i.e. a fully clad

Some wise man has said, "Every problem has a solution." Can some other wise man please tell me what the solution is exactly?

The Bollywood Mashup!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about Bollywood, no? It’s been a while since I’ve blogged at all in fact. But moving and adjusting has taken a bit of a toll on me. However, all is good and I promise regular posts from here on. Okay so yes, Bollywood, what is going on? I’ve been quietly observing you lately and I am mighty worried.

For starters, there is Priyanka Chopra, who is making her singing (read: auto tune) debut. So here’s the deal. You’re Indian, you’re an ex Miss World and yet you pose like Rihanna in glittery pumps and sing in an American accent? Errr, somewhere something doesn’t make sense. I would have had heaps of respect for P.C. if she had put some Indian element to the single. Instead, we get a very wannabe-ish attempt and a completely auto tuned voice which not only puts one off but makes you put Piggy Chops back in the “Get Outta Town” bracket. I’m not a P.C. fan by default – she’s far too pretentious for me, but at least I would have had some respect for the lady. Sheee!

And then there is Rani Mukherjee in Aiyya. By now you’ve all seen Dreamum Wakeupum. And if you haven’t, refrain or else you will be scarred for life. Why is it that every actress above the age of 32 feels that the only way they can stick around is to put on Silk Smitha acts ala Vidya Balan in The Dirty Picture? Rani, Rani, Rani, you are far better than that. It’s not the song that is awful – no, no, it’s actually one helluva catchy track. The lyrics are funky even. It’s Rani jiggling and bouncing around that is very painful. 

If you were missing Preity Zinta, look no further because she is back. Um, you remember when Preity could smile and emote? Yeah, she can’t do that anymore courtesy of all that work that she’s had done on her face. In fact, her expression in the promo has been stationary whether she smiles, smirks and even looks upset. It’s all the same. Ishqk in Paris is her comeback film but I’d rather see her charming face come back versus her rather plastic face. The film looks funnish, I guess. There’s a shaadi number also which I think is supposed to be a crowd drawer but it’s very meh. Also, her dimples seem to missing...conspiracy theory?

What do I say about my Bebo Didi aka Kareena Kapoor? With her wedding on the horizon and Heroine on the brink of release, she sure does have a lot on her plate. But I’m rather worried for Bebo Didi. You see, I have a gut feeling Heroine isn’t going to work. And here’s my funda; Heroine is really just an extension of Fashion. What is the difference between the life of a model and of an actress? Very little, no? The struggles and lifestyle are almost identical. So what newness and freshness can Madhur Bhandarkar bring to the audiences? What do we NOT already know about the film industry that The Dirty Picture hasn’t told us? In my opinion, this is actually a film that should not be made and if anything, the role should have been taken on by a newcomer. Bebo could have easily waited for something incredibly different from the Bhandarkar house to have been a part of. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong though!

For all you Sridevi fans, English Vinglish is nearly here and by god, it looks fabulous! Not only does she look like a million bucks but her acting seems to have improved too. I have a feeling this will be an underplayed performance by Sri backed by a good script. And yes, she will be dancing!

Of course, you all know I’m dreading Student of the Year. Karan Johar’s candy floss films really get on my nerves. I have no issues with teeny-bop films but please make them somewhat relatable. 

Oh, so before I leave you, a lot of folks have been asking for my 2012 picks. So, here are the films I’ve enjoyed so far this year:

Agneepath – Fabulous remake!

Tere Naal Love Ho Gaya – Super cute.

Paan Singh Tomar – It stars Irrfan Khan; enough said.

Vicky Donor – Easily the film of the year – smart, funny, entertaining.

Ishaqzaade – Surprise performances and a good storyline.

Shanghai – Emraan Hashmi and Abhay Deol work this political drama to the core.

Gangs of Wasseypur – Rustic and a great film to learn gaalis from.

Bol Bachchan – While this is all Ajay Devgn, Abhishek really impresses.

Cocktail – Cheeseball film of the year with Deepika Padukone stealing the limelight.

Ek Tha Tiger – Eff the 100 Crore club, this one went on to make 200! Salman Khan underplays his role and how! Katrina kicks ass real well, great music, good sights, entertaining, short and fun!

Why, Bollywood, Why?

I have nothing else to do but ask the following stars one question: Why?

Why does the Heroine promo not excite me? Why does it look like an extension of Fashion? Why does it look like it lacks a plot?



Why was Mr. Amitabh Bachchan asked to run with the Olympic torch? What has his contribution to the sporting world been?

Why does Sherlyn Chopra think she deserves a Bharat Ratna Award after she posed nude for Playboy?

Why is Sunny Leone wearing clothes in Jism 2 when she plays a porn star?

Why do Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor think that news of their wedding happening and then not happening is such a big deal?

Why does Aamir Khan think we'll miss Sunday mornings without him vis-a-vis SMJ?

 Any answers cause I'm stumped.

ZOMG!!!

Yes, yes, I am back. Just fell into a bit of a lull (or is it LULZ) or rather, fell into a really rotten ditch. And then just like Bruce Wayne (Batman) who too had fallen in a jail/well, I too had to face my fears and climb out of it minus a rope. So here I am, raring to go and basically, a lot on my mind which of course, I must share with ya’ll, cause, um you all missed me so much and are all dying with agony to hear about everything I have to say, no? Of course, you are. And if you aren’t excited, well then too bad; you have no choice.

That Loser Shooter
First of all, to all my ‘friends’ who thought it would be funny to send me messages along the lines of, “Don’t get shot!” after I updated my status on FB to read, “#TDKR @ the cinema”, have you met my middle finger? Who needs enemies when I got friends like you? Anyway, back to the loser shooter whom I refuse to name because that will only give him more attention than he deserves. I’ll say this. Until America doesn’t fix its gun laws, it really should not and cannot call itself a first world country. Not only that, but the loser shooter, is still only a ‘suspect’ because he is ‘innocent until proven guilty’ and oh, did I mention that he’s white. Why is that important? Here’s why. Dekho, if he was Black, he’d be a drug addict; if he was Latino, then a border hopper and if he was Muslim, then a terrorist. But he is none of the above and thus, he is just a suspect. Welcome to America in 2012; where the White still reign and everyone else is still judged by stereotypes. One only hopes the media will pay more attention to the victims and give their families strength to get through this difficult time.

He Has Risen…and How!
Yes, The Dark Knight Rises has been watched and loved immensely. Christopher Nolan has outdone himself this time with the most epic ending to a trilogy possible. Yes, all the actors put on amazing performances which left you spellbound but it’s the plot, the execution and the climax which forced the 4:50 PM show at Pacific Commons Cinema, Auditorium 10, to give the film a standing ovation followed by a roaring applause. I refuse to give out any spoilers. You simply just have to watch it to understand the epicness that is The Dark Knight Rises.

Desi Girl
So according to an ‘ignorant’ daily, India is one of the most dangerous countries in the world for women. You know this is only because of recent horrific events, right? But to set the record straight, here are some facts.

Women raped on a daily basis in Congo: 1,152
Women raped on a daily basis in India: 57

90% of women face domestic violence in Pakistan
70% of women face domestic violence in India

In Afghanistan, 87% of women are illiterate
In India, 35% of the women are illiterate

India doesn’t look so bad in comparison, eh? Look, even these numbers aren’t something we, as modern day Indians, should be proud of. The fact that we have double digit numbers in any of these categories is rather shameful. But to call India a “dangerous” country is rather far-fetched. Yes, we’re currently clearly dealing with a bunch of frustrated set of men who, in some parts of India, where men believe women are still inferior. This doesn’t mean the entire male population of India is out on the streets waiting to gang rape every woman they see. It just isn’t like that. In fact, while the women are outraged at what has happened in Guwahati, the men of India are equally as furious. To call India a “dangerous” country is completely ignorant. There are imbeciles in every developed country in the world but that hardly makes us ‘dangerous’. And if we were THAT dangerous, would we have been able to elect a female Prime Minister and President?

Castration

The Guwahati incident had me fuming. But it was uneducated ignorant comments that some idiotic Indian men made towards the incident that made me want to literally castrate them too along with the perpetrators who need to be hung from their penises for their crime. A conversation with an unknown moronic man from North East India went something like this.

Me: These men should be castrated.
Him: Why? These girls should be more careful.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Guwahati is a Naxal area. And where are these girls parents? Why did they allow them to go out of the house at night?
Me: Are you educated? You sound illiterate right now.
Him: What?! We don’t know about these girls.
Me: It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing, where their parents are, why they were at a bar and where in the world they are, you cannot touch a girl! Rape is something else!
Him: But this is a Naxal area.
Me: And that makes it okay?
Him: No but these girls are wrong.
Me: You’re an idiot.
Him: Oh, well.

Castrate him too? I think so.

#MainBhiHeroine
And on a rather lighter note, just want to quickly point out how the first look poster of Heroine starring apni Bebo aka Kareena Kapoor looks a lot like my Twitter display picture. Errr…inspiration or sheer replication?

Kareena Kapoor Wants Nothing But the Best!

So Kareena Kapoor is Madhur Bandarkar's next muse. She will star in his next offering, Heroine and of course in true Bebo style, she will be the one and only heroine. But the film also demands five actors who will depict the best in the industry. And for these roles, Bebo has literally demanded that the director take on five mainstream popular A-listed stars, i.e. no small timers.

Who could this possibly be? Well who else but some Khans ala Aamir, Salman, Shah Rukh and Saif Ali, and a prominent Kumar being Akshay, who all happen to be good friends with the actress. Apparently, Bebo is banking on Heroine to grab her that National Award which she believes she deserves after so many years in the industry.

Watch this space as I fill in the blanks and let you know which actors finally play the leading heroes in Heroine!