Desi, Chokri and Nearly 30? You Need This!

So sitting at the salon the other day, I stumbled upon this fabulous article: “Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by The Time She’s 30”. I read, laughed, agreed with most of it and then digested it all. Now, this was obviously an American magazine which meant, I couldn’t relate to a lot of it. For the most part, we Desi girls lead different lives courtesy of our values, et al. But the article lingered in my head for a while and I couldn’t help but wonder about what things we Desi girls should have and know by age 30. And please do not ask me for my age. I’m as young as I look which of course, is 16. Right? Okay the list. Ready?

By 30, you should have:

A past that is controversial/juicy enough that you could easily turn it into a Shobha De-esque book or an Ekta Kapoor serial.

Cried yourself to sleep over a broken heart with your favorite melodrama/sad song…in your head.

Gotten drunk while watching a Hindi film in the cinema.

Full on tashaan.

Seen the Kama Sutra and laughed at how pretentious it is.

A signature drink ala Screw Driver or Whiskey…Patiala.

Drunk yourself silly and walked around the city singing, “Yeh Dosti” with your best friend.

Figured out which Bollywood actress you hate because you’re insanely jealous of how beautiful she is and no other reason.

A pair of fabulous heels and kohlapuri chappals.

Taken a trip with your girls to Spain thinking you’re gonna change your life after watching Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.

Crushed over a Hindi telly star.

Mastered the art of shying, crying and being coy.

By 30, you should know:

Which designer will be designing your trousseau and who will perform at your Sangeet (applicable to the unmarried ladies).

That Bollywood is a complete sham which has given you unrealistic expectations of men and life.

That said, you should know which Hindi movie you’d most like to model your life around.

How to roll a perfectly round roti and make amazing chai.

How to kill a coachroach with your chappal.

The names of your future children.

That all Desi men are mama’s boys and you cannot do anything about it.

How to drown out emotional blackmail and guilt trips from Mom and Dad.

Mastered at least three Desi dishes.

How to smartly dodge the “Teri shaadi kab hogi?” question (also only applicable to unmarried gals).

That Facebook has been overtaken by gossiping Aunties and Uncles. Please update your statuses and pictures accordingly.

Which Hindi serial you watch secretly while you diss it out to the rest of the world.

First Khan, Now Clooney!

You know that the international media has hit an all time WTF when they decide that THE George Clooney is gay. Who are these journalists and what on earth has them even remotely thinking (or believing) that the eternal bachelor George Clooney would be gay? Not that there is anything wrong with it and in a way, I wouldn't be surprised but he really doesn't possess one itty-bitty molecule of queerness. But maybe it’s just that; the fact that he refuses to succumb to marriage and instead would rather keep (and enjoy) the Casanova label. But by that logic, it would mean that apna Salman Khan would have to be gay too? The Indian media has called Sallu a bunch of names; gay is not one of them.

Bollywood stars including the forever-married-and-committed Shah Rukh Khan, now-married Ritiesh Deshmukh, I-love-my-Bebo Saif Ali Khan and screw-you-all-I’m-dating-a-hottie Sajid Khan have been battling gay rumors forever now. When questioned about their sexual orientation, they all denied being attracted to men or one another even. Somehow none of us believed them and for the most part, we still don't. “Lies,” we say. SRK and Karan Johar waking up next to one another are now open jokes between the bum chums (my favorite name for them) with the latter even producing an entire bromance film, Dostana, based on the closeness between two men who were not gay. Was he trying to tell us something? Er, probably not. KJo is really not the "read between the lines" kinda filmmaker. A movie with a message from Karan Johar? I may just die of a cardiac arrest.

As a society, Indians are rather anomalous about homosexuality. Transgenders have been around for centuries now, we’ve grown immune to them. Indian men love the idea of some girl-on-girl action. “Two girls getting it on is just a scene from heaven,” a male friend said to me. But talk to him of two men getting down, and he shudders, “Gross.” Indian women, on the other hand are a lot more nonchalant towards homosexuality. We’re really not all that bothered by it whether it's man-on-man or woman-on-woman. "Do your thing!" I always say. However, my issue is with bisexuals. It is so wrong for you to bat for both sides—that is just plain selfish. Pick one already!

Our government, on the other hand, is rather iffy about homosexuality. They don’t know what to make of it. They can’t be progressive about it because of India’s ancient history and yet, they cannot sit and condemn it because of the progress we've made as a society. Thus, every time they are questioned about homosexuality, they choose to take the fifth. They stay miles away from the topic. And if any politician does make a controversial statement on being gay in India, the rest simply run in the opposite direction. Mind you, within the government itself, there is one particular man who is loved by the gay community: Rahul Gandhi. They love him for being a hottie, no other reason, really.

Bollywood on the other hand, love homosexuality. They poke fun at the subject as we’ve seen at a number of Bollywood functions, they make movies where the gay are mimicked and unknowingly create gay icons. The likes of Imran Khan, Ranbir Kapoor and even Abhishek Bachchan have all in some point in recent time been deemed gay icons. Two of the three are chikna stars while one can wear a pink shirt with great style. You figure out which is which.

That said, it’s the lads who are more than comfortable to play the gay card on screen. They actually enjoy each others company much more than they do the women. Whether it’s SRK and Saif in Kal Ho Na Ho, whose chemistry was the highlight putting Preity Zinta to shame or John Abraham and Abhishek Bachchan in Dostana, who even locked lips with one another and not the heroine of the film. The comfort level is incredible. Bromances work wonders too. The small budget Pyar Ka Punchnama and critically loved Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara were all about the boys. The former made snide jokes about women and sex while the latter was a more mature take on male bonding. These are the movies we enjoy though—a bunch of lads hanging out, being boys. When was the last time you saw a film about a bunch of Desi girls who a) actually liked one another, and b) were not bitching? And no, Aisha doesn’t count. Sadly, a film which displays women who are “close” often becomes a B grade film and probably explains why we’ve had only a handful of such films.

In India, you have to be gay at some point in time if you’re famous. You just have to. You can be married with children and linked to every actress you’ve worked it but you will be gay eventually. Everyone but Salman Khan. He is the only really completely 100% heterosexual man in Bollywood. Mind you, he’s unmarried, no children and currently, is keeping his distance from women. Right. I’ll say this though, there has to be at least one gay man in the industry. But until he grows enough balls to come out of the closet, we’ll sit and play the guessing game. And I think I have a good idea as to who could possibly in the running. What? Don’t look at me, I’m not telling.

The Good, Bad and Ugly: Filmfare Awards 2012

I’m not a Filmfare fan. Not of the magazine and definitely not of the award functions. Well, I’m not a fan of the current Filmfare. Back in day however, I loved the publication. Now however, it lacks substance and even glamour. Far too trashy for my liking. And the award ceremonies? Don’t even get me started. That said, I watch the award ceremony every single year since it happens to be a ritual my mother and I have. She watches to hopefully catch John Abraham, and I, to hate on it. 2012 was no different. I watched and found exactly what I expected: a lot of kissing– ass kissing, air kisses, etc, and farce galore. So here it is then, the good, the bad, the ugly of this year’s Filmfare Awards.

The Good:

Usha Uthup: Star of the Night

• Usha Uthup winning for best playback singer was true justice—finally they got it right. I would have screamed if Shreya Ghosal would have won (read: overrated). But it was her speech which had me choked. She teared and told the audience that this was her first award in 42 years. Well deserved.
• Oh Coke Studio’s tribute to Dev Anand and Shammi Kapoor were amazing. Shaan made my night. But what about Jagjit Singh?
• SRK’s performance with the kids was cute.
• Ranbir Kapoor. Period.
• Okay the whole Kolaveri Di line in the action sequences had me in splits.
• Madhuri Dixit looked phenomenal.

The Bad:

Ex-Rivals?

• My mother claimed that Vidya Balan behaved rather “vulgarly” with her banana giving. Honestly, I didn’t even pick that up. Moms are more observant; mine is at least.
• SRK hit an all time low with his cheap jokes. They weren’t funny. Perhaps this is what happens post two major flops?
• So Priyanka Chopra couldn’t bag any actors to be a part of her swayamwar dance, eh? Explains how she had to make do with Bappi Lahiri as her dulha in the end.
• Did anyone catch Kareena Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra linking arms and smiling for the cameras? Spare us girls.
• What was up with Kalki? She looked anorexic.
• All the dances were so overdone; been there done that. Where was Bipasha Basu? She always dances, no?
• What on earth was Akon nominated as Best Male Playback singer for? And then Chammak Challo for best lyrics? That as a joke, right? If not, then why didn’t Tu Mera Hero not get a nomination?
• Abhishek Bachchan looked really lonely. And lost.
• Why do Filmfare insist on showing us the same reactions repeatedly for stars? And whoever did the editing, you clearly have a crush on Parineeti Chopra.

The Queens

The Ugly:

• Erm, SRK and Ranbir Kapoor made really repulsive women. That whole Drag Queen segment was just not pleasing to the eye.
• As usual, Rakhi Sawant.
• Oh, and Shakti Kapoor.
• Apparently an Ali Zafar performance was edited out from the show. Shameful.
• Overall, it was rather tacky especially since Filmfare is considered to be the most “classy” and the “Mother” of all awards in India.

But wait a minute, Shah Rukh Khan walked away devoid of a black lady. Wot? They didn’t create a special category for him? Wow. iShock.

Footnote (2/21): I've been told that it's unfair to blame SRK for the tackiness of the show since it has been written by the likes of Vir Das and others. But I'll say this. For starters, they must have known who the hosts were going to be as most of the jokes were directed at SRK, RK, Ra.One, Don 2 and Rockstar. And let's say they didn't know, well that means that SRK has no power/control over what he depicts on stage. Who are you kidding? This is King Khan we are talking about. SRK was served exactly what he likes; trash, vulgar, cheap one-liners and jokes. If he was unhappy with the script, i.e. he found it too brash, you know he would have created havoc over it. But it didn't happen. Why? Because he likes it this way.  I rest my case.

How Do You Like Your Hrithik?

Post Agneepath, I’ve rekindled my love for Hrithik Roshan. Yes, he said very little, barely danced but let’s be honest, this was definitely one of his best performances thus far. That said, I found myself realizing that Roshan is one actor who has experimented a lot in his career, refused to get pigeon-holed and still managed to stay as hot as he did from day one. While he’s sexy and he knows it, Hrithik is one dude who has played every role and yet managed to stay hot. And so I ask you, how do you like your Hrithik?

Romanchak Hrithik
This is perhaps typical Hrithik. In fact, he started his career with playing the romantic boy who falls in love and is willing to do anything for his girl. And then of course, he’s gone ahead to do it one too many times. However, every time he looks deeply into the eyes of his heroine, utters the words “I love you”, dances around a tree with her and then fights to make her his, you can’t help but sigh.

Patriotic Hrithik
Only Hrithik Roshan can make loving your country look mind-blowing. And it’s not just in patriotic films where he plays an army officer, but in a number of movies, his character has subtly been an India fan. Add to that some tear jerking dialogues and Roshan has won your heart.  Hrithik in loving-your-country mode is uber hot.

Dishoom Hrithik
When he’s mad, his eyes go blood shot red, the nerve in his forehead pops and his voice quivers. Hrithik Roshan in angry mode is like this only. But that doesn’t stop him from making you swoon. I actually challenge anyone to find a bad man/villain hotter than Hrithik. You’ll find, it’s impossible.

Snooty Hrithik
Now this is my favorite Hrithik. I absolutely love it when Roshan goes into “I’m too cool for school” types. Such a turn on. Somehow Roshan works the attitude, which normally women would hate, into a characteristic that is magnetic. Even as a snooty hoity-toity hot shot, Roshan is phenomenal.

Superhero Hrithik
Our very own Krishh can put any other superhero to shame. He can climb buildings, kill villains, romance a ladki and still be as normal as the guy next door. But add to that he has a killer persona which cannot be imitated and badda-bing, Hrithik Roshan is the hottest superhero out there.

Royal Hrithik
If I had to choose my favorite king, it’ll be Hrithik Roshan. As a royal baadshah, he took a Mughal king and made him appear as the hottest man with a crown. But it’s only Hrithik who could’ve made history look incredibly enamoring.

And then there is bare-chested Hrithik, dancing Hrithik, magician Hrithik and so on. He happens to be one of the few actors who can make a white shirt and jeans look hubba-hubba.

So I ask you again: How do you like your Hrithik? I’ll take mine with extra fudge, whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top. Parcel please.

Sequels and Remakes: Nahinnnnnn!!!!!

If I hear one more piece of news from Bollywood where filmmaker XYZ is in the midst of planning a sequel or remaking a classic, I'll scream. It's just becoming far too repetitive and straight up boring, industrywalas. Seriously. As if it isn't bad enough that we have to deal with Hrithik Roshan taking on Amitabh Bachchan's role in the ultra amazing Agneepath, but everyone's favorite (uh yeah, minus me), Karan Johar, is all set to make a second part to the "epic" Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum. Is it me does or does this sound so damn ho hum? I'm already not excited for the sequel. Apparently, there's gonna be something about the brothers splitting up courtesy of the business, blah blah. But *oh ma gawd* the cast are crew are so excited (rolls eyes). Look, K3G was great at the start of the millennium but honestly, all that cheese only works in Rajshri films now. Karan's rendition of cheesiness is so freakin' 2000 and late; it makes me want to barf. Yes, I've seen K3G numerous times and yes, it was awesome...when I was 18! But now, a decade later, I flinch when I see any scene of the film. The music of course, never gets old. Now that's epic.

But it's not fair to only oust my 'favorite' victim Karan Johar. After the success of Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara, Zoya Akhtar is actually considering a sequel to her recent offering. But what could it possibly consist of? The lads off on yet another trip to solve issues in their forties? Or maybe we'll get a glimpse of what a Desi midlife crisis looks like. More importantly, what will the film be called? Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara...Phir Se (?) Goodness, that in itself puts me off.

Don 2 is headed our way this year. And while I'm a fan of the original (Amitabh wala) and also the modern version (SRK one), I don't know if Don 2 will hit my 'action girl' buttons. Same goes with Dabangg 2, when it does happen, I don't know if I want to see Chulbul Pandey again. Once is a charm, no?

One of the few sequels, it's a series rather, which really worked for me personally is Golmaal and fine, even Munnabhai. But then that's a totally different ballgame. Most sequels lose their momentum, pace and even point. By the end of it, you ask yourself, "What on earth just happened?" The only film which deserves and I'm aching to see a sequel to is the cult film (and my ultimate favorite), Andaz Apna Apna. Sallu Miyan and Aamir Bhai together with hopefully Lolo and Ravs; heaven! The dialogues, the music, the sequences were all phenomenal. But those are some big shoes to fill when you have a classic like AAA to follow.

And while we're on the topic of sequels, I'd love to see Hum Aapke Hain Kaun and Hum Saath Saath Hain part two. I wonder how the Rajshri's would take forward these family dramas. Actually negative. I have a feeling these would turn into major saas-bahu serials in the end. All hail Ekta Kapoor. And how can the 'Serial Queen' be left behind? She too has been bitten by the sequel bug. Once Upon A Time in Mumbaai is all set to have a part two with Akshay Kumar in the lead. Kahan Ajay Devgn, kahan Akshay Kumar yaar. I'm already scared.

However, it's not the sequels that irk me as much as the remakes. Look, if you can't think of new ideas or plots, don't make films. But please, leave our originals. There's a reason they're crowned with titles such as "epic" and "legendary"; so foolish filmmakers won't realize years later to remake them!

After a while, it gets so damn boring that you find yourself getting off to original films which are different and unique. This is why youngistan is watching (and re-watching) the likes of Delhi Belly and Shaitaan. Not only does it hit home but the film is honest, relevant, young and awesome in so many ways. You know what, I'd rather watch a shady irritating shoddy film ala Tees Maar Khan (yes, even that) over a bad remake which ruins the original or a sequel that destroys its predecessor.

In true Bollywood fashion, I'd just like to say, "Bhagwan ke liye sequels aur remakes ko chor do!"

100 Word Review: Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara

Zoya Akhtar's latest offering, Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara, is a story of three friends who find themselves at different crossroads as they take a trip to Spain which changes their lives forever. Zoya’s coming of age story starts off on a slow note but slowly picks up pace later. A couple of sequences could have been edited, but manages to entertain. Hrithik and Katrina are impressive while Abhay and Kalki play their parts with ease. But it’s Farhan who steals the show in more than one way. ZMND is not groundbreaking cinema but it’s message is clear: live it up!  

* I honestly thought it was one film that would be slightly wannabeish. I was wrong.
** On a side note, the poetry by Javed Akhtar is simply superb.

Katrina - Hrithik: Kiss Kiss!

They may have shot a steamy photoshoot together, but Hrithik Roshan and Katrina Kaif have definitely not locked lips before. It took Zoya Akhtar to bring them together first of all, and then convinced them to take on a steamy kissing scene for her film Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara. Hrithik of course, has done a number of kissing scenes with a number of actresses but this was Katrina's first smooch. And it wasn't as though the duo had worked together before. Mr. Roshan, the perfectionist, insisted on getting it "right" and thus, a number of practice rehearsals were undertaken. And get this, when it came down to actually shooting the scene, it wasnt okayed in the first go. And thus, it was kiss-cut-kiss-cut...

Zoya maintains that the kiss is essential to the film and in addition, wants to "milk" the first time amazing pairing of Kaif and Roshan.

Today I Cover the World!

Hrithik Roshan and Farhan Akhtar are topless in Zoya Akhtar's Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara! For the ladies and their admirers, i.e. moi, this is great news! It is rare that we see both actors and so seeing them sans shirts makes me go hubba-hubba-hubba! Abhay Deol, who is also starring in the film decided not to shed his shirt (wuss!) and so will be seen in a vest (read: boring!). I think it may be a slight complex that the no-pack Deol may feel  towards the many packed Roshan and Akhtar. Note to Abhay: We'll take you, topless or not!


In other news, my new best friend Paul the Octopus predicted Germany's win for third place which happened today. We all waiting patiently for the final for which the eight-legged creature has placed his legs around a Spain win. By the way, PETA has come out in defense of the Octopus and believes that he should be freed! Yes, animal rights activists are upset at the amount of publicity Paul is receiving. They claimed no animal should be confined to a tank and so on. Uh...where were they when he was unknown to the world?


And another piece of news that I found oh so fascinating was this one: Victoria Beckham is a Strict Mom. My initial reaction, "Uh huh." So I read on to find out that she has a punishment chair for the kids. Yes, if they do anything wrong they are sent to sit. On a chair. Oh the torture. I wonder if the chair is designer? Made of pure leather? You know what would be a better punishment? Perhaps if she made her kids listen to some of her music. And mind you, I'm a huge Spice Girls fan! I promise.


Sources: Mid-Day and Hindustan Times