Dear Hindustan Times,

I have never used foul language on my blog. Never. But today I will make an exception. I would like to tell you a quick Fuck You today. I feel that as a recognized Indian portal, you have gone ahead to behave in a completely moronic fashion with your “Kareena Kapoor: Size Zero to Fatso” pictorial piece. This is not about Kareena Kapoor. Not at all. This is about how insensitive a piece this was. You do realize that KK is not a “fatso”, right? In fact, I clearly remember how nutty your publication went a few years ago when she took on her size zero avatar. Back then you called her a whole bunch of names including “unhealthy”. So what’s the issue now? Do you understand that you are basically implying that if you put on a bit of healthy weight, you become a fatso? And then hold on a quick second. Kareena Kapoor puts on a kilo or two and she’s a fatso, but Vidya Balan who can be easily borderline obese is what? Sexy? Why the double standards, you morons?

One of the biggest health related issues young girls deal with include anorexia and bulimia. As a society, we look down on girls who are slightly chubby or big boned – unless you’re Vidya Balan of course, then you’re just plain voluptuous. As a leading Indian publication, your job is to educate and eliminate this outdated idea from the minds of old fashioned Indians. By putting up pieces that look down on a healthy weight, you’re hardly being progressive. By this logic, you have to be a fair size zero fair woman in order to be considered hot, yes? If that is indeed your opinion, then basically my “fuck you” is completely justified.

I understand where these pieces come from. As Indians and Bollywood freaks, we’re all slightly obsessed with every aspect of a star’s life. And when it comes to Kareena Kapoor, we’re infatuated with her size. So of course, in order to bring in readers, it’s best to talk about her weight which has increased, thankfully. But calling her a “fatso” is simply not on. And then the malicious comments on each of her images were just plain down market. By sensationalizing this issue, you are indirectly promoting size zero. For this, another fuck you.

To say that you should rectify your mistake would be asking for too much. So instead, all I want to do is reiterate what I’ve been saying all along: Fuck You. Until you don’t grow the eff up and start writing meaningful articles, you deserve this type of reader. You’ve lost a reader in me. Oh and I’ve put on 2 kilos in the last few months. So yeah, I’m a proud fatso. And what?

P.S. Once again, she isn't FAT. 

Bollywood in Phoren!

Sonam Kap-who:
B'Towns style connoisseur

Every time I write a critical piece on Bollywood, I have to sit and re-iterate that I am a hard core, huge, gigantic, humongous and the most dedicated, Bollywood fan. Hindi cinema and filminess runs through my veins, my blood, my soul. I swear. Whenever possible, I translate Hindi dialogues into English and use it in my daily life. Still not convinced? Okay get this. When my name is called, I pull a complete Bollywood moment as I turn on my heel and swing my hair in full Bollywood style as I answer with a Rajshri, "Jee!" Now are you convinced? Good.

Aish-Who-Are-Ya:
Cannes Veteran

Now getting to what I want to intend to debate, if you choose to call this piece a debate. It's more of reality check, I believe. See, here's the problem. I prefer Shah Rukh Khan (even though I'm not a fan), over Tom Cruise. I prefer Aishwarya Rai Bachchan (yeah, not a fan again) over Angelina Jolie. Why you ask? Well, because they're from apna Bollywood! But let's be real, while they happen to be popular in India, worshipped and all that, they are nobodies abroad. And yet, SRK is the most popular star in the world - even bigger than his Hollywood counterpart, Tom Cruise, apparently. Why? Well, the Indian population is pretty dense all over the world, and we happen to inhabit every nook and cranny on the globe. And while we migrate, populate and earn moolah by the buckets, we take our love for Bollywood with us. So it shouldn't really shock you that SRK has more fans.

Mallika Shera-wha:
Zero impact!

But really, anytime our Bollywood stars attend any international film festivals or events, they are hardly even noticed. Case in point: Cannes 2011. It was bought to my attention via Hindustan Times, that no one knows who the hell they are! They may be pictured wearing their finest international designer wear, may strut their fancy shoe wear on the Red Carpet, but who knows them? Personne; koi nahin; no one. How were they named? With terms like "unidentified guest" and the likes of it. In fact, the foreign media is so confused by our Bollywood stars, that they even mix up their names up! Minisha Lamba, (uh, what was she doing there?) was thought to be Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. "Wha? Kya?" you ask. "Kahan Ash, Kahan Minisha!" But the truth remains that ultimately they are anonymous people on the international carpets. This includes Ash, who despite being a Cannes veteran (10 years and running), attends annually and has even starred in some Hollywood (read: flopped) films, is still unknown. And Mallika Sherawat, who created quite a lot of 'Hissing' noises at festival last year, literally begged for attention with her see-through couture dress this time around only to receive zero recognition.

Saif Ali Kaun:
My Name is Khan!

My question is simple: why do they go? Mahesh Bhatt answered it perfectly: "Party-hopping." I couldn't agree more. But would you attend a party you were invited to even though you knew you'd be ignored? I don't think any dignified person would. What does that make our stars? Conformers. They go cause it's the "cool" thing to do in India.When top-notch Hollywood stars all attend in tow, how can our Desi celebs be left far behind. Nahin, nahin; they too must flock. If you ask me, some attend hoping they'll get a Hollywood film - yeah, right. And then there is the the media; make that the Indian media, who goes hyper when the our celebs go to phoren places. So we sit from afar admiring their clothes, their hair, their shoes but the ultimate deal is simple: Aish-who-are-ya? Sonam Kap-who? Saif Ali Kaun? Mallika Shera-wha? No one at Cannes knows (or cares about) them!

Today I Cover the World!

Hrithik Roshan and Farhan Akhtar are topless in Zoya Akhtar's Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara! For the ladies and their admirers, i.e. moi, this is great news! It is rare that we see both actors and so seeing them sans shirts makes me go hubba-hubba-hubba! Abhay Deol, who is also starring in the film decided not to shed his shirt (wuss!) and so will be seen in a vest (read: boring!). I think it may be a slight complex that the no-pack Deol may feel  towards the many packed Roshan and Akhtar. Note to Abhay: We'll take you, topless or not!


In other news, my new best friend Paul the Octopus predicted Germany's win for third place which happened today. We all waiting patiently for the final for which the eight-legged creature has placed his legs around a Spain win. By the way, PETA has come out in defense of the Octopus and believes that he should be freed! Yes, animal rights activists are upset at the amount of publicity Paul is receiving. They claimed no animal should be confined to a tank and so on. Uh...where were they when he was unknown to the world?


And another piece of news that I found oh so fascinating was this one: Victoria Beckham is a Strict Mom. My initial reaction, "Uh huh." So I read on to find out that she has a punishment chair for the kids. Yes, if they do anything wrong they are sent to sit. On a chair. Oh the torture. I wonder if the chair is designer? Made of pure leather? You know what would be a better punishment? Perhaps if she made her kids listen to some of her music. And mind you, I'm a huge Spice Girls fan! I promise.


Sources: Mid-Day and Hindustan Times