Why India Could Never Have a Royal Wedding

And with that, they were married. Yes, the Royal Wedding of the century officially ended. Sigh. If you did manage to take a peek, you probably couldn't help but shed a tear at the regality and royalty that the wedding exhibited. Both Prince William (now Duke of Cambridge) and his new bride, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, looked, behaved and put on quite a majestic show. He was all smiles when he saw his blushing bride, calling her “beautiful” as she lifted her veil – very Bollywood, if I may say so, ghoonghat utka ke and all that jazz. As for her, wow, she really looked like a princess. But what worked the most for me was their youthfulness. They are not your traditional prince and commoner-turned-princess. Hardly. They dated eight years, co-habitated and then, finally, after she had been exposed to what could be her life, amidst the media and paparazzi, the Prince decided she was indeed, the one. We wanted a complete British imperial noble display, and we got it penny for penny. What was lacking? Lady Diana. Her presence was sorely missed. She would have been so proud to see her eldest son take a wife. You can be sure amidst all the "properness", Lady Di would have hugged her son and new daughter-in-law, a sight we, the audiences didn’t see once the nuptials were over. But somehow, you could feel her spirit was all around; abundant blessings for her son. And the Sun God too decided to shower his blessings on the couple – it actually made an appearance in April!

All this talk about shaadi made me wonder if we, in India, could pull off such a wedding? Amongst all the pomp and glory, there were a number of factors that really made the William-Kate perfect. Could India do the same? Here’s what they’d need to face.

The Big Ben Factor

I don’t care what anyone says about the British and their stern ways but they are one hell of an organized society. Every minute detail was taken care of at the wedding; especially the program and timing. The ceremony was scheduled to begin at 11 a.m. sharp. And it did. The Princes arrived followed by Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla who were scheduled to leave at 10:38 a.m. Guess what? Their cars rolled out of their driveway at precisely that time. Not even a millisecond late.

This would not work at all in India. It would literally be impossible for any couple (royal or celebrity) to arrive at their mandap promptly. No chance. If it isn’t the security or the traffic, it’s just not in our bleedin’ blood! You cannot expect the bride to be on time – even if she is ready on time, she’ll find a reason to come late. And while we may look at it as being fashionably late, you have to admit that a delay of more than 10 minutes is hardly chic; it’s tacky and impolite. And while we do it, the British frown upon latecomers. Tut-tut.

The Organization

The entire ceremony, the schedule, the service; all of it was perfect. There was no error; not a single mistake. Even the bride, who portrayed herself with complete dignity and poise, failed to falter at any point. From the minute the celebration began to the end, and even the surprise convertible ride the couple indulged in, it was all pomp and glory with no blunders.

Unfortunately in India, that really isn’t possible. There would be bloopers, faux pas’ and major lapses. We can barely get through a decent ceremony without some disorganization; a wedding of this magnitude would be terribly hard to organize, logistic-wise at least.

The Guests

There were 1,900 guests at Westminster Abbey. Most of them included some of the crème de la crème and most elite from British society, major politicians and international country officials. But the biggies were missing in action – sorry Madonna and Obama; you didn’t quite make the cut. Reason? The palace and local police were having enough of a security nightmare as they ensured the Royal Family was safe, the crowds weren’t going crazy and ensuring that mayhem didn’t break loose. Can you imagine if they had to deal with Obama attending the shabbang? Yeah, carnage! So instead, they decided, sorry Yankee President, you can stay right where you are. Not only that, but the guests weren’t given any formal seating. They were told to a group after which, it was up to them to choose their seats. None of this diplomatic seating plan jhanjat.

In India, this would be the biggest issue. Politicians and celebs always take center stage at all weddings. This means if any conflict are currently brewing issues in the political or starry world, it would be a nightmare trying to organize seating. After all, can’t have Shah Rukh Khan sitting by Salman Khan. And you can’t not invite them. That would be wrong, no? The media always follows where the stars are after all and so, they need to attend. Oh the spectacle!

The Outfits

What was the biggest kept secret of the William-Kate wedding? Her dress. We had no clue who the designer was, what the style was and how she was going to wear it. And when she finally revealed her stunning Sarah Burton lace number, we were gob smacked – at least I was. Every aspect of her presentation was kept a secret including her tiara.

What would be the biggest problem for any Indian royal (or celeb) bride? They could never keep the dish on their trousseau a secret. First of all, the designer wouldn’t be able to contain their excitement and if they magically did manage to, someone from their camp would reveal the details which would ultimately completely ruin the mystery of it all. In India, nothing can be kept a classified. True fact.

The Drama

There was zero nonsense leading up to the Royal Wedding. No ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends coming out with unknown details, no friends wanting attention, no secret lovers or illegitimate children for the bride or groom. It was simple and noble.

Cut to India. Remember when Abhishek Bachchan was about to tie the knot with Aishwarya Rai and how some random “commoner” (that’s what the British called people who are not blue blooded, i.e. from a royal background) came out to claim that she was Bachchan’s lover? Yes, that is the kind of hoopla we get in India. Everyone wants to get in on the hype. And the extent to which they are willing to stoop is rather sad.

Footnote: Apaprently, Abhi-Ash are the closest it comes to royalty in India - oh dear!

On the flip side, Check out Varun Gandhi's small Benares shinding; small, sweet and simple.

Listen I’m all about the Band’s, the Baaja’s and the Baaraat’s, and I love it Desi style too. The 3 to 4 days of nonstop dancing, banquets of food and the functions make it worthwhile. But there was something magical about watching William and Catherine walk down the aisle, ride their 1902 carriage and eventually kiss on the balcony. Yes, yes, it was regal (how many more times will I use that word?) but it also, quite simply put, lovely. Sadly, we don’t have too much royalty left in India, and the few royal families that are around, choose to have rather quiet intimate weddings. So we’ll have to make do with watching celebrities, politicians (kith and kin) and cricketers who are the equivalent to royalty in our country, do their thing when they jump into matrimony. But that’s how we like our shaadis; fun and frantic, crazy and chaotic. #ithappensonlyinIndia

The Royal Shaadi!

Unfortunately there won’t be a band, a baaja or a baaraat at Prince William and Kate Middleton’s shaadi. Super sad, na? In fact, I’d love to head his baaraat – some ainvayi ainvayi could really add some much needed masala to the otherwise austere Royal Wedding. However, this is one shaadi you probably shouldn't miss. It will be a historical event for the world and myself especially, since I didn't get to see Prince Charles and Lady Diana wed. And while the whole world will be curiously tuning in to watch the procession, we Desi's will be looking at the wedding with critical eyes – don’t deny it! For us, weddings are all about the nitty-gritty details, the food, the dance, the music, the grandeur. While the English Monarchy does know how to do in quite the majestic fashion, it does tend to lack the warmth that we are used to in our own shaadis. And there are some distinct differences. No sangeet or mehendi function, being one of the most prominent factors that will be missing for obvious reasons, of course. But that doesn’t mean we’re not interested! Are you kiddin’ me? I for one am all about the wedding for a number of reasons:

•             It’s history in the making! When will I ever get to see another Royal Wedding?
•             I’m all about royalty and imperialism. I really do think I was a princess in my last life.
•             And of course, I’m one of many girls who absolutely adores Prince William. Sigh.

But hello, as a Desi girl, I’d like my rajkumar to be Indian – phir bhi dil hai Hindustani darlings. However, I know that a bunch of you are completely clueless when it comes to the Royal Wedding of the century and so, here are the particulars in true desi fashion. And for a kick, I went on to add what I believe would be my grandmother’s take on every fine point. I’m pretty sure I’m spot on.

The Chapel of Love

Like all Royal Weddings, Prince William will marry his commoner fiancé at St. Peter’s Church in Westminster Abbey. The church is hardly a mystery to royals; most Royal Weddings take place at this church. How different to us na? We’d totally want to decorate the church with marigolds and jasmines. Yeah, not happening.

Nani says: “It’s a big fancy place. Very nice, no? Haan, some flowers-showers would be nice. It looks too plain otherwise. A shaadi is incomplete without some lights and strings of flowers.”

The Ride

Kate Middleton is not about all that sho-sha. She’s a commoner and she ain’t afraid to keep it simple. So no fancy horse-drawn carriage for her. She’ll ride into the church ready to get shaadified in a Rolls Royce. However, they will depart the church as man and wife, in the traditional 1902 State Landou carriage. As for Prince William, I wish he’d arrive on a horse! Like I said, I’d totally head his baaraat!

Nani says: “Rolls Royce is good beta. Is that carriage safe? I’m sure it was made by Indians during the British Raj.”

The Flowers

Now we’re all about throwing flower petals during the pheras. But Christians carry bouquets. The bride has chosen a rather interesting combination of flowers for her wedding. Her arrangement will include gardenias, roses and some myrtle among many other blooms. She won’t however, be doing the customary flower toss. Instead, she will lay her flowers to rest on a dead soldier’s grave.

Nani says: “Arrey why the dukhi flowers? Her bouquet should only have roses. Those are for love na? Why do you think we give them for Valentine’s Day beta?”

The Dress

Two dresses for Kate Middleton. Her wedding dress will be white and conservative, while her post wedding do will be a tad bit younger and revealing, sources claim.

Nani says: “Who are the designers?”

The Ring

We’ve all seen that beautiful blue sapphire engagement ring but the lucky bride will get another ring; an heirloom from Prince William’s grandmother. A piece of gold from Wales will be turned into a simple gold ring for his lovely would-be wifey.

Nani says: “How many karats?”

The Guests

Yeah, I think Shah Rukh Khan and the Bachchan’s may have to miss this one. Not invited you see. But hey, that doesn’t mean you won’t see some well known faces. Expect to see the Beckhams, Guy Ritchie, Elton John and a couple of other popular British personalities. Post the wedding, selected guests will head over to the Queen’s palace for a quick light brunch. Later on, they’ll get to eat a 3-course dinner hosted by Prince Charles.

Nani says: “Brunch and 3-course dinner? What will the guests eat?”

The Cake

Considering I’m the biggest pastry and dessert foodie, the cake became one of the most interesting parts of the wedding for me. So get this. Kate has chosen a high-tiered fruit cake with roses from all over the area! And of course, a splash of brandy and lots of icing for this wedding cake.

Nani says: “I like fruit cake but you like chocolate, beta? Maybe chocolate would be better.”

Random Shaadi Facts!

The vows that read, “To love, honor and obey” will be slightly tweaked for Kate. Apparently the modern going to-be princess has decided she will love and honor her man, but obey? No Freakin’ Way. And so, the vows will now read, “To love and honor….only!”

Prince William will not watch his bride walk down the aisle. According to tradition, he can only see his blushing bride when she has completed her walk and is by his side.

But this is the best; she won’t even be on time! The bride apparently arrives at the church late...courtesy of tradition.

And last but not least, the best piece of FYI, I can give to all single ladies out there is the following: at age 29, Kate (who is asking to be called Catherine from this day on), is officially the one of the oldest royal brides to walk the aisle. (Take that all those who cannot shut up about how awful it is to be getting older and being single!)

Kate will most likely wear a tiara borrowed from the Queen but rumors also claim she may choose one of Diana's. Her favorite is the pearldrop, Cambridge Lover's Knot tiara. She would have liked to have worn some flowers in her hair but *gulp* Camilla supposedly was not about all that shabang. And so out went the flowers.

No details are available regarding the Best Man's speech that will be delivered by Prince Harry. People are expecting big time jokes about the groom's balding et al.

Fear not ladies; your prince charming is waiting out there – if you haven’t found him already But in the meantime, make sure you stay up! Should be quite the shaadi!

Indo-Spring Fashion 2011: A to Z Guide

B is for Band Baaja Baaraat

Anita Dongre: LFW 2011

Looking to get shaadified this spring? For heaven’s sake, please avoid excessive bling! It is so 2000 and late. This spring, your trousseau should scream pastels, bright colors, fun fabrics and a lack of unwarranted embellishment. Let your wedding glow shine through as you pick fabrics that are young and uncomplicated. You’re looking at nudes and sheers with flowers – marigolds and jasmines, fun bangles, funky earrings and light-weight dupattas. Keep the clothes simple yet chic and enjoy your wedding. Hair is loose and make up, natural. But really, it’s not about keeping regal and elegant. Na jee, na. This wedding season, keep it dhinchak, janakpuri ka khanjar ala Band Baaja Baaraat.

2010 Films: What You Shoulda Watched!

Every year I countdown the best films that have been in the closing year. This year is no different. Although its been a rather odd year in Bollywood, there have been some fab films which are worthy of watching this year. What rocked about this year was the audiences. They literally threw away some of the biggest films which housed big stars and gladly accepted smaller films which were unique in content and for the most part, didn't even have big stars. Desi films are back in action with a number of action that took center stage. Okay the best of 2010? In no particular order, here are my picks for 2010.

Dabangg: Salman Khan rocked and how in this action film which had a plot that was seriously old school. However, he proved that the masses love some good ol' old fashioned style Bollywood. With a fab soundtrack and Salman Khan doing what he does best, basically... he is back!

Rajneeti: The star cast was phenomenal and the plot, mashallah fantastic. This modern day take on the Mahabharat, basically is worth a watch because you will be back to watch it again... I guarantee it!

Once Upon A Time in Mumbaai: Ajay Devgn had a beyond amazing year and honestly, it is with OATIM that he really rose as an actor. Along with Emraan Hashmi, he depicts the life of a popular and well-known story of an under world don. Needless to say a fab film.

Anjaana Anjaani: It was not such a huge hit at the box office but Anjaana Anjaani hit home with me. I absolutely adored this film for its great take on life and love in a time where careers make us go insane. And of course, I'm a Ranbir Kapoor fan so I'm a tad bit biased. And honest.

Khatta Meetha: Yet again a film which failed at the box office but is such a blast to watch. It is rare that I enjoy an Akshay Kumar film but Khatta Meetha was heaps of fun!

Thanks Maa!: Sadly, not many have even heard of this film. A small film which won a National Award is a better depiction of the slums of Mumbai (read: Slumdog is hardly real). Director Irfan Kamal whose innate research in the subject is obvious in his film which is a true vision.

Lahore: Fab film about a India-Pakistan boxing match. Performances, nothing to really talk about about the plot is fabulous.

City of Gold: How I loved this film! It is a rare sight to see such a beautiful film which tells a virtually unknown tale of the middle class and their challenges in India. By far one of my favorites of the year.

Tere Bin Laden: Funny and spoofy. I love how this little film has become one that everyone couldn't stop talking about. Its take on America and terrorism is hilarious. Watch out for Ali Zafar -- he is headed places for sure.

Udaan: Another small film which had me in tears for all the right reasons. I adored it for the mere fact that it was honest and different. Anurag Kashyap made sure his production was in the limelight as it made rounds at festivals before releasing commercially. Now this is good cinema.

Aakrosh: Ajay Devgn and Akshaye Khanna join forces to create quite the stir with Aakrosh. Really an underrated film but a fab watch. 

Band Baaja Baaraat: The feel good film of the year. YashRaj films are finally back doing what they do best; make good fun films. BBB is a wedding film with good music, a fun plot and good performances.

Special Mentions:

Peepli Live: A must watch if you're a rustic film lover.
Action Replayy: Fun film for sure.
Golmaal 3, Housefull and Tees Maar Khan: Spoofy stuff! But incredible fun. (First time i actually adored a Farah Khan film)
Tum Milo Toh Sahi: A small cutesy film which really was not watched enough.
Badmaash Company: Sweet fun gutsy film which really is a fun DVD watch.
Rakhta Charitra series: RGV does well with the RC series. It is really really interesting.
Red Alert: Suneil Shetty is fab in this film.
A Flat: Scary and good performances.

What does 2011 hold for you? A lot! There's action, comedy and of course, romance. But what genre and which actors will rule supreme? Time will tell.

Band Baaja Baraat!

I'm super kicked for Band Baaja Baraat and yes, I think Ranveer Singh is kinda-sorta cute. Although, he does remind me some Ranbir Kapoor (read: wannabe). However, the music is rocking my world right now and the fun promos are psyching me up. I'm a sucker for weddings and films about weddings which may explain my excitement  but oh well! Check out my favorite track from the film.

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