Desi, Chokri and Nearly 30? You Need This!

So sitting at the salon the other day, I stumbled upon this fabulous article: “Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by The Time She’s 30”. I read, laughed, agreed with most of it and then digested it all. Now, this was obviously an American magazine which meant, I couldn’t relate to a lot of it. For the most part, we Desi girls lead different lives courtesy of our values, et al. But the article lingered in my head for a while and I couldn’t help but wonder about what things we Desi girls should have and know by age 30. And please do not ask me for my age. I’m as young as I look which of course, is 16. Right? Okay the list. Ready?

By 30, you should have:

A past that is controversial/juicy enough that you could easily turn it into a Shobha De-esque book or an Ekta Kapoor serial.

Cried yourself to sleep over a broken heart with your favorite melodrama/sad song…in your head.

Gotten drunk while watching a Hindi film in the cinema.

Full on tashaan.

Seen the Kama Sutra and laughed at how pretentious it is.

A signature drink ala Screw Driver or Whiskey…Patiala.

Drunk yourself silly and walked around the city singing, “Yeh Dosti” with your best friend.

Figured out which Bollywood actress you hate because you’re insanely jealous of how beautiful she is and no other reason.

A pair of fabulous heels and kohlapuri chappals.

Taken a trip with your girls to Spain thinking you’re gonna change your life after watching Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.

Crushed over a Hindi telly star.

Mastered the art of shying, crying and being coy.

By 30, you should know:

Which designer will be designing your trousseau and who will perform at your Sangeet (applicable to the unmarried ladies).

That Bollywood is a complete sham which has given you unrealistic expectations of men and life.

That said, you should know which Hindi movie you’d most like to model your life around.

How to roll a perfectly round roti and make amazing chai.

How to kill a coachroach with your chappal.

The names of your future children.

That all Desi men are mama’s boys and you cannot do anything about it.

How to drown out emotional blackmail and guilt trips from Mom and Dad.

Mastered at least three Desi dishes.

How to smartly dodge the “Teri shaadi kab hogi?” question (also only applicable to unmarried gals).

That Facebook has been overtaken by gossiping Aunties and Uncles. Please update your statuses and pictures accordingly.

Which Hindi serial you watch secretly while you diss it out to the rest of the world.

Kuch Sexy Baatein...

Savita Bhabhi: Inspiration?

There’s a particular part of Hong Kong, quite central to where I lived, where Desi hookers stand around. And these are not hot women but those overweight sweaty ones. They call out to men of all colors, “Sir, sir, come come, I show you good time.” When I would see every other man except Desi men flocking to them, I used to stand in shock. Eventually I figured out that it had a lot to do with being exotic. Men— mostly foreign men, were turned on by these dark skinned women who wore saris that reeked of perspiration and fried onions. They also didn’t mind the big sweat patches that were visible in their sari blouse underarms. It was a big WTF moment for me. But that was my first encounter/understanding of hookers.

Now of course, I’m older and wiser so I know that prostitutes are banging– literally. I know why some men turn to prostitutes. Some have prudish women, others have no women. But all this has struck a curiosity in my mind. Clearly hookers know how to work themselves around a man in bed but what about romance? When I posed the question on Twitter, I was pretty much ignored. Obviously no man would admit to indulging in sex with a prostitute but I’m still totally consumed by this idea.

Definitely Can't Work a Pole...

Women like the now infamous Poonam Pandey aren’t born out of thin air; they’re created by a need for they saw a demand. The need, of course: men who look for ways to let go. And while I find her repulsive for a number of reasons, i.e. she can’t count and looks like a chewed up duck, I have to admire her keen sense of economics vis-à-vis her understanding of supply and demand. And then there is the new superstar and future item girl, Sunny Leone. Very recent, she charmed India with her cutesy antics in the Bigg Boss house even though I was slightly disappointed with her pole dancing routine—porn stars should know her way up and down a pole better; amateurish show. And the Bigg Boss housemates couldn’t see it for some oddball reason. She screamed porn star to me what with those stripper shoes and choppy bangs but it wasn't until much later that she eventually confessed her vocation. But yet again; smart girl. She realized her demand in India would give her tremendous scope and well, she provided Ms. Pandey with some serious competition. However, she's left Poonam far behind with a Bollywood film.

So since the men were gonna take the 5th on their love for porn stars and the likes, I decided to put this to the ladies and the consensus was clear: men want women who are freaks in bed. Even women realized that this is a true story. Usher sings, “A lady in the street but a freak in the bed,” and my favorite RnB singer couldn’t croon it more honestly. Look, it’s 2012. Men, especially Indian men, want to come home to women who will wink at them and look at them with bedroom eyes. And if you’re a prude, well you can be sure he’ll develop wandering eyes. If you won't give it to him, darling, someone else will. I’ve seen and heard of men who stray and their wives are completely bewildered by why that is so. Ladies, you basically told him to, what with your cold ways in bed. No one is asking you to be a porn star but would it really hurt to learn a position or two from the Kama Sutra?

I’m a bit fumbled about what my point is here. Okay so basically I think that men cheat because we, as women, compel them to. I’m not saying it’s okay; NO. It’s never acceptable. But the secret to keep your man is good sex…and food. Oh combine ‘em for a rollicking time! Okay okay, focus. Point is, have freaky fun frolicking sex with your man and he’ll never stray or look for sex outside your bedroom. As for porn stars and love, well men will always love ‘em. You can question their taste for such lusting over them but what to do?  They’re just trained to love them by default— genetic, you see.