Ban These Fools Too!

Offo! I’m already sick of this Shah Rukh Khan behaving badly hoopla. Without getting into details and taking sides as to if he was right or not, I hardly think he’s going to care if he’s banned from Wankhede Stadium. The guy can buy his own stadium if he wanted to. I think if anyone should be blamed, it should be Priyanka Chopra. Since the lady has entered his life vis-à-vis their so-called love affair, nothing seems to be going right for King Khan. Okay PC lovers, don’t go getting your panties in a knot on me. Relax. I was kidding. Anyway, like I tweeted yesterday, now if only we could ban SRK from films, we’d be good to go. Now don’t you SRK fans go nuts on me. You guys also relax. But that got me thinking. Which other stars needed to be banned and for what reasons? <Insert evil laugh here> Check it out!

Tusshar Kapoor should be banned effective immediately from taking such pictures. See, I’m sure his 10 fans fainted after he tried (and failed) to pull a John Abraham on the world. But those moobs and that really unsexy face (what kinda expression is that?) made most people faint from shock.

I’ve always said that post Fashion, Priyanka Chopra’s wannabe attitude hit an all time high. But more recently, I heard her speaking in an interview and basically, I wanted to puke. It wasn’t what she said but the way she said it. We get it; you have an accent—good for you. But we’ve heard you speak normally so just cause you’re abroad, there is no need to sit and turn it on. And because of that, PC should be banned from speaking.

If anyone needs to be banned from any form of social network, publications and banned from appearing in front of any camera, it should be Poonam Pandey. And there are a number of reasons for this, 1) she isn’t sexy, 2) she steals tweets, 3) she can’t spell, 4) she is a waste of space in the cyber world. She should be banned from being human even.

My ‘favorite’ Freida Pinto should be banned from India. The damned girl got super lucky with Slumdog Millionaire but since then her attitude has become very hoity toity. And then the girl has the audacity to claim that Bollywood isn’t her thing. Dude, Bollywood doesn’t want you; neither does India for that matter.

And then there are these ones:

Shahid Kapoor should be banned from all Spelling Bee competitions.

Karan Johar needs to be banned from making movies in London and New York. Make a movie in India fool.

Let’s ban Bipasha Basu from wearing clothes. She hardly wears any anyway.

And lastly, Sid Mallya should be banned from looking at mirrors. They’re lying to him and telling him he’s hot property.

Ban karlo please. Woh bhi now!

Kuch Sexy Baatein...

Savita Bhabhi: Inspiration?

There’s a particular part of Hong Kong, quite central to where I lived, where Desi hookers stand around. And these are not hot women but those overweight sweaty ones. They call out to men of all colors, “Sir, sir, come come, I show you good time.” When I would see every other man except Desi men flocking to them, I used to stand in shock. Eventually I figured out that it had a lot to do with being exotic. Men— mostly foreign men, were turned on by these dark skinned women who wore saris that reeked of perspiration and fried onions. They also didn’t mind the big sweat patches that were visible in their sari blouse underarms. It was a big WTF moment for me. But that was my first encounter/understanding of hookers.

Now of course, I’m older and wiser so I know that prostitutes are banging– literally. I know why some men turn to prostitutes. Some have prudish women, others have no women. But all this has struck a curiosity in my mind. Clearly hookers know how to work themselves around a man in bed but what about romance? When I posed the question on Twitter, I was pretty much ignored. Obviously no man would admit to indulging in sex with a prostitute but I’m still totally consumed by this idea.

Definitely Can't Work a Pole...

Women like the now infamous Poonam Pandey aren’t born out of thin air; they’re created by a need for they saw a demand. The need, of course: men who look for ways to let go. And while I find her repulsive for a number of reasons, i.e. she can’t count and looks like a chewed up duck, I have to admire her keen sense of economics vis-à-vis her understanding of supply and demand. And then there is the new superstar and future item girl, Sunny Leone. Very recent, she charmed India with her cutesy antics in the Bigg Boss house even though I was slightly disappointed with her pole dancing routine—porn stars should know her way up and down a pole better; amateurish show. And the Bigg Boss housemates couldn’t see it for some oddball reason. She screamed porn star to me what with those stripper shoes and choppy bangs but it wasn't until much later that she eventually confessed her vocation. But yet again; smart girl. She realized her demand in India would give her tremendous scope and well, she provided Ms. Pandey with some serious competition. However, she's left Poonam far behind with a Bollywood film.

So since the men were gonna take the 5th on their love for porn stars and the likes, I decided to put this to the ladies and the consensus was clear: men want women who are freaks in bed. Even women realized that this is a true story. Usher sings, “A lady in the street but a freak in the bed,” and my favorite RnB singer couldn’t croon it more honestly. Look, it’s 2012. Men, especially Indian men, want to come home to women who will wink at them and look at them with bedroom eyes. And if you’re a prude, well you can be sure he’ll develop wandering eyes. If you won't give it to him, darling, someone else will. I’ve seen and heard of men who stray and their wives are completely bewildered by why that is so. Ladies, you basically told him to, what with your cold ways in bed. No one is asking you to be a porn star but would it really hurt to learn a position or two from the Kama Sutra?

I’m a bit fumbled about what my point is here. Okay so basically I think that men cheat because we, as women, compel them to. I’m not saying it’s okay; NO. It’s never acceptable. But the secret to keep your man is good sex…and food. Oh combine ‘em for a rollicking time! Okay okay, focus. Point is, have freaky fun frolicking sex with your man and he’ll never stray or look for sex outside your bedroom. As for porn stars and love, well men will always love ‘em. You can question their taste for such lusting over them but what to do?  They’re just trained to love them by default— genetic, you see.

2012: Can You Handle Me?

Welcome to 2012 people! New Years Eve put me a pretty rad mood but totally screwed me over  health-wise. So my first good deed for the year is to give you some not-to-do drinking tips. 1) Do not drink on an empty stomach, and 2) Binge drinking is not a good idea; even if it is NYE. Now, if only someone had told me this earlier. So yes, it’s post the hangover and awful flu, which attacked me simultaneously, that I’m here now ready to bamboozle 2012. Everyone around me seems to believe that the year has gotten off to a pretty good start. I haven’t made up my mind just yet. But while I’m on undecided on the manner in which 2012 has begun, I’m sure of what I need to work on this year. No, these are not resolutions. They’re more like “rules and guidelines” for the year twenty-twelve.

Someone said to me that they like how my blog is an open book/diary; a peek into my life. I “awwed” and then realized that during the month of December, RWN became a sleaze fest vis-à-vis The Garam Sharam Awards. Alas that is so last year. While I intend on keeping up with more honest (read: blasé, bold, beautiful, boombaat and bombastic) pieces, this one is a bit somber one to begin the year with.

I solemnly swear not to sweat the small stuff. It ain’t worth it. As it is, mujhe Bade Acche Lagte Hain.

I solemnly swear not to take my body for granted. This is a genuine one.

I will try my hardest (sorry, cannot swear on this one) not to make fun of the following ladies: Frieda Pinto, Poonam Pandey, Sunny Leone and Karan Johar.

I solemnly swear not to get worked up with “people” who irk me for whatever reason. It’s not fair for me to judge other people if they are not affecting my life. If I must advocate or be an activist, it should be for a more legit causes like why Sunny Leone looks like a man to me.

I solemnly swear I will be audacious, more nonchalant, more verbose, more pompous and even more overbearing.

I solemnly swear to blog about more sleaze because sex sells and girls who write about it get a lot more hits. Being shameless is how you get famous, I hear.

I solemnly swear to finally figure out my relationship with Bollywood. This love-hate thing we have going on is not healthy. And secretly, Bollywood knows I adore him.
(Side note: Bollywood is definitely a man; it plays far too many games)

I solemnly swear to love the movies everyone hates and hate the ones everyone else adores.

I solemnly swear to further dig item songs as I am an item song whore.

I solemnly swear to use bigger words. Even if it yields presage complete upheaval and even stupefaction.

I solemnly swear not to call people names.

I solemnly swear that to switch loyalties to Canada if team India continue to play as complete assclowns. Crap, so much for no name calling.  

And lastly, I solemnly swear to continue being fabulous, bitchy and walk around like a Diva. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Any wager as to how quickly I will break one of the above? I think I may break one in oh, approximately 2.5 seconds. But hey, rules, resolutions and bridges are meant to be broken. And anyway, likhne mein kya hai?

This may actually be the year that cannot handle me; normally it's the other way around. Time will tell guys and dolls. In the meantime, have a fabulous 2012!