The Worst of Bollywood in 2012!

We’re all about celebrating the best in Bollywood. But the best is so overrated. We really don’t pay enough attention to what didn’t work, what failed, flopped and the worst of the year. This year, we want to take a few minutes to give thanks to the people who helped us realize the best from the worst. Thank you for taking the effort to create….disaster!

Worst Hair
What the otherwise pretty Tanushree Dutta was thinking when she chopped her long tresses for this rather obscure cut, is beyond anyone. Her reasons are personal and spiritual but for an actress who is known for being quite fashionable, this was one big major fashion faux pas on her part. Here’s hoping she goes back to a more stylish one that isn’t so weird.

Worst Comeback
Sorry Karisma Kapoor, but your straight face and non expressive acting really didn’t cut in your comeback film Dangerous Ishq. There was nothing dangerous about the film except the wretchedly boring story and your impact-less acting. For a powerhouse actress who in the past, has jutted out some of the most fiery and top notch performances in the industry, what a letdown.

Worst Lyrics of the Year
In an equal two-way tie, it’s Po-Po-Po from Son of Sardar and Ishq Wala Love from Student of the Year that take the cake for the worst lyrics of 2012. If you actually sit to listen to the both of them, you may want to shoot the lyricists for writing such horrendous lyrics. What on earth ‘po-po-po’ means, is beyond a normal persons intellectual understanding. But the bigger question is, what other means of love are there besides ‘ishq wala love’? It’s like saying water wala ice! Note to lyricists: we are intelligent beings. Please do not insult our intelligence.

Most Irritating Song of the Year
Son of Sardar’s title song has to be not only the most irritating song of the year, but of the decade even. The song refuses to make any sense, is choreographed horrendously and cannot seem to leave your head once you hear it!

Worst Hollywood Rip Off of the Year
It’s bad enough that we seem to lack enough inspiration in India that, we need to look west for remakes and rip offs, but the fact that we make them so damn badly really is disturbing. This year we were given Players, The Italian Job remake, starring all the worst actors in India. And while you make have expected it to be watchable, it was just the opposite. Boring, useless and heavily infused with bad performances, Players makes The Italian Job look like it should have been nominated for an Oscar!

Worst Jodi of the Year
We can barely manage Bipasha Basu on her own and then you go and pair her up with R. Madhavan. Mayhem! In Jodi Breakers, the duo came together for the first time as people who are looking to break up couples. In reality, the only jodi that needed to be broken was theirs. Lack of chemistry, an overweight Maddy and a-sexy-try-hard Bipasha who really needs to let it go already makes their jodi one of the worst in the history of mankind.

Dumbest Controversy of 2012
Aside from all the Shah Rukh Khan hoopla that occurred this year, it was the Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s post pregnancy weight gain drama that somehow caught the eye of the paparazzi only to be blown extremely out of proportion. They speculated, mocked, poked fun and called her all sorts of names. Clearly, the media had nothing else of importance to discuss.

Worst Item Number
Congratulations Kareena Kapoor! You win the award for the worst item number this year vis-à-vis Dil Mera Muft from Agent Vinod. So here’s the deal. She’s hot and a fabulous actress but Bebo is hardly the best dancer in the industry. And then you put her in a mujhra number? It spells disaster from the get-go. In an attempt to appear ‘different’, Bebo comes out looking rather silly and totally ruins the mujhra mood.

Worst Sequel
The deal with sequels is simple: don’t make them. While her television serials may go on for years, Ekta Kapoor needs to understand that films are a totally different ball game. When Kya Super Kool Hai Hum released, we knew it was going to be a total leave-your-brains-at-home film. But what we didn’t realize was the extent of nonsense that was going to be thrown our way. A sequel which makes the original look bad; that is Kya Super Kool Hai Hum.

Worst Onscreen Kiss
Why Katrina Kaif needed to kiss Shah Rukh Khan so many damn times in Jab Tak Hai Jaan, no one knows. But at least make the kiss somewhat believable! SRK has proven that he may be able to romance any actress onscreen, but the man cannot kiss. Let’s leave the smooching to Emraan Hashmi, please.

Worst Actress
Dear Farah Khan, you are not an actress. Shirin Farad Ki Nikhal Padi is enough evidence. You are barely a director. Please stick to choreography.

Worst Actor
For an actor that can really wow you with his performances, Ajay Devgn really failed with Son of Sardar. He failed to make us laugh, make us garner any interest in the film and failed to entertain. In what looked like a spoofy piece of acting, Ajay fell flat on his face with SoS. Definitely a performance he’d like to forget.

Worst Film
Shirish Kunder found himself in quite a tight spot with Joker. For starters, he believed he had a hit on his hands and thus, went on to make fun of Ra.One only to get slapped by SRK. Then Akshay Kumar decided to stay away from the sci-fi flick and when it hit cinemas, the only people who saw the film was most likely aliens who sat in their invisible form. A flop on all accounts and by far one of the silliest films to be made in Bollywood, Joker wins top prize at this ‘Award Function’.

~
First published Bollywood Hungama, December 28th, 2012

All Garam, No Sharam: Back with a Bang in 2012!

For the first installment of the All Garam, No Sharam Awards of 2012, you are treated to a nonstop back-fest. Like I always say, a sexy back, is just something else. It tells the world, ‘I’m strong, confident and of course, incredibly sexy.’ And because it happens to be one of the most underrated parts of the female body, you know I had to pay extra attention to it. Irrespective of the season or reason, a back can be exposed and displayed. Our Bollywood ladies know this only too well. Check out some of the best backs that have been paraded this year.

5. Chitrangada Singh
This is Chitrangada Singh’s first time on the backless chart. The dusky beauty has every reason to be on the list with her back expose at the Filmfare Awards this year. She is hardly one to back down from showing some skin and in her solid chalky dress which she rocked, all she had to do was turn around to make her sexy quotient known.

4. Bipasha Basu
A backless countdown is incomplete without Bipasha Basu. While the actress has hit a somewhat slump vis-à-vis her career, she refuses to back down from being one of the fittest and sexiest actresses in the industry. At Karan Johar’s big birthday do, she turned up in a black backless number which caused the shutterbugs to click, click, click. Second time around, she posed in a white graceful serene dress for Filmfare exhibiting her toned perfect back. Sexy and how!

3. Kareena Kapoor
Bebo darling may be a married woman now but she isn’t about to ditch her glamorous avatar for anything or anyone. Post her wedding, she was clicked in a newlywed dulhan inspired red sari. And just when you thought she’d gone the sati savitri way, she turned around to show off her backless choli. But this is how she is, surprising you when you least expect it. I want to add that nothing screams sexy like a woman in a backless desi outfit.

2. Malaika Arora Khan
She is by far, the yummiest mummy in town and this is her USP as far as she is concerned. So when you see Malaika Arora Khan showing up backless, it shouldn’t really surprise you. But it never fails to sit and gape at how she finds innovative ways to pose and flaunt her sexy body—back included. Check her out in this backless romper which puts her back and a whole bunch of other things on show.

1. Deepika Padukone
My favorite fashionista Deepika Padukone will more than likely make (and top) most of the lists at the All Garam, No Sharam 2012 Awards. And why not? She knows exactly how to show off every part of her ultra toned body which she works super hard for. D-Pad in a backless low (how low!) dress at the Filmfare Awards had tongues wagging while she calmly strut her stuff down the red carpet. If anyone knows how to bring sexy back, it definitely is Miss Padukone.

Alright, that’s it then, the backs of 2012. While you sit and ogle, gain inspiration or simply admire these ladies and their backless moments, I’ll be right back.

Bollywood Celebrity Weddings of 2012

It was the year of bands, baajas and many baraats in Bollywood. Strangely enough, it was a number of single leading ladies that we lost this year to men within the industry or closely associated to Bollywood, at least. It turned out to be a busy year for fashion designers and wedding planners who were given the task of planning big fat Bollywood weddings of some of the most popular couples in town. This year, the stars went out to shine as they embarked on holy matrimony. With so many shaadis and even more details, it only makes sense to count down the top weddings of the year. Are you ready to be shaadi-fied?

Ritesh and Genelia
The year kicked off with the wedding of secret lovebirds Genelia D’Souza and Ritesh Deshmukh. After years of speculation and nonstop questions including: are they together? Is he gay? Is he with Jacqueline Fernandez? Genelia and Ritiesh shut the mouths of gossip-mongers with a rather lengthy wedding which included a Maharashtrian wedding followed by a Church wedding and finally, a grand reception where most of Bollywood congregated to wish the couple. The sangeet was headed by none other than Karan Johar who took to the mic and played master of chaperone while a number of the couple’s starry friends took to the stage. The likes of the Bachchans, Kapoors and Khans attended the big reception before the duo took off to an undisclosed honeymoon destination.

Wedding Trivia: The wedding was planned way in advance with the couple asking their friends and family to keep it hush-hush.

Esha and Bharat Esha Deol’s career may have unfortunately not kicked into third gear but that didn’t stop her from going all out for her wedding with Mumbai diamond merchant, Bharat Takhtani. According to sources, the entire wedding was orchestrated by Hema Malini who insisted on a grand, yet simple wedding. A sangeet followed by an ISKON wedding and a biggie reception completed Esha’s wedding. The sangeet saw a dedicated performance by Mom, Hema to her daughter as she danced to Dream Girl. The dulhan herself shook her foot to a couple of her own numbers. Bollywood came out in full force to bless Esha and Bharat while Daddy dearest couldn’t contain his happiness as he hosted the reception.

Wedding Trivia: While half-brothers Sunny and Bobby Deol remained unseen throughout the wedding, it was Abhay who took on all brotherly duties.

Kareena and Saif
Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan’s private but heavily attended wedding was easily the wedding of the year. After five years of courtship, Saifeena finally joined together in holy matrimony drawing extreme media attention and hoard of well-wishers. While it was his second marriage, he chose to keep it quite extravagant. There was a hush-hush sangeet, a mehndi, the registered marriage at the Khan household, followed by a reception in Mumbai and then, a Walima in New Delhi. The sangeet saw the Kapoor kandaan come out to put on a complete show for the couple with Karisma Kapoor taking center stage. Needless to say, pretty much all of Bollywood was accounted for at the luxurious reception after which the couple went on what is being called their ‘25th’ honeymoon.

Wedding Trivia: Saif’s children were seen at the wedding taking pictures with the newlyweds and enjoying every minute of the wedding. 

Vidya and Siddharth
The year ended with the wedding of Vidya Balan and Siddharth Roy Kapur. But it was hardly a shaadi which had the shutterbugs going frantic. In fact, it was easily the most downplayed wedding of the year. With the exception of Rekha, no other Bollywood celebrity was invited to the extremely secretive wedding which only included family and close friends. A quiet mehndi and wedding ceremony was in order for the couple and that pretty much concluded the wedding. The couple will however, distribute sweets post their wedding to the industry.

Wedding Trivia: Close friends including Milan Luthria and Ekta Kapoor too, are said to have been completely clueless about the wedding.

 ~

First published Bollywood Hungama, December 19th, 2012   

Saifeena Wala Shaadi!

Shaadi Time!

I love shaadi time in Bollywood. And because I care so passionately about Hindi films, I feel like I am an extended part of the family. How filmy did that just sound? See, I fit in so well. But really, weddings make the world such a happy place and yesterday happened to be the day that my favorite Kareena Kapoor, whom I pyar se refer to as Bebo Didi, tied the knot with her beau and now my jeeju, Saif Ali Khan.

Theirs is a love story that most girls only dream of. Yeah, he has a bit of a shady past, but that didn’t stop Bebo from realizing that this Nawab was the man of her dreams. So they courted, moved in together, costarred in flop films, dodged the ‘shaadi kab karoge?’ question only to finally call it a day and are now Mr. and Mrs. Saif Ali Khan. If you know me, you know this would be a rather long ‘aww’ moment for me. But I'll refrain due to public objection and the constant criticism that comes with my aww-ing.

But the real question is, what have we learned from Saifeena, India’s kinda-sorta royal couple, as they embark on holy matrimony?  


1. Second hand jawani. It’s shaadi number two for Saif who was previously married to Amrita Singh, an actress many years his senior. Second time round, it's Bebo darling for him and she happens to be ten years his junior. But who’s has time for all that math?  

2. Power, Baby. She is now, Kareena Kapoor Khan aka Begum of Pataudi.  

3. No Band Baaja or Baraat. It is possible to have a low-key yet fun wedding even if you are a powerhouse couple. Are you reading Abhishek and Ash?

4. Skirt Chaser No More. If a Casanova finds his Ms. Right, he will eventually give up his womanizing ways and settle down…temporarily at least. Does that make Bebo, Ms. Right-Now?

5. Flop Jodi. You may not have a single hit film to your name as a pair, but you sure as hell can be the most popular and loved jodi in town.

Here’s wishing my favorite couple a lifetime of happiness, love and eternal bliss!

Shahid Kapoor Ki Shaadi: Prospective Brides

So Shahid Kapoor missed the boat with Bebo, eh? Poor chap. And word on the street is that he will be avoiding contact with the media for the next few days until the Saifeena shaadi festivities die down. But why so blue, Shahid? Your day will come soon; you’ll be a groom too. And since you’ve become rather fussy about your ladies post Bebo, I’ve decided to help you and play matchmaker. They say matchmaking is the best way to gain brownie points with the uparwala and so to aid you, here are some lovely ladies for you to
choose from and to make your Mrs. Kapoor.

Priyanka Chopra
Look, you obviously have some kind of bizarre with Priyanka Chopra; admit it. I can kinda see it—she’s a bit eccentric, quite like you. And just think logistically. Don’t you both live in the same building? How easy would it be to move her belongings to your place? But seriously, you both seem to have some kind of chemistry between the both of you, so why not P.C.? Post your break up, she took to a popular married Mr. Khan; not such a smart idea. See what you did to her? Now is your chance to reel her back and woo her again. This is quite a Teri Meri Kahani you both have, haan.

Vidya Balan
She’s popular, bankable, sexy and could be gharelu which makes Vidya Balan a good choice for you, Shahid. Add to that the fact that you both share some Kismet Konnection wali history and voila, there is one more reason for the both of you to come together in holy matrimony. Err, and considering your string of flops, it may help to have Vidya on your side right now. But you’ll have to entice her rather well, you see. Apparently, she’s cozying up to one popular UTV Films producer.


Sonam Kapoor
Okay, so your film together didn’t exactly create waves but so what? Sonam Kapoor is a girl you should consider, Shahid. For starters, look at all the similarities you both share. Both of ya’ll are Kapoors, both have veteran fathers as actors, both are kinda useless and possess an air that no one really gets. She also happens to be an avid reader which is good for you since you are in dire need of private spelling lessons. See, made for each other you both are…in any Mausam also.


Nargis Fakhri
Nargis Fakhri claims there is nothing between you and her. Lies. We know you both had somewhat of a fling…or something. We’ve heard so many damn rumors about you both moving in, helping each other in icky situations and so on, that if you dare to tell me there was never anything between the two of you, I will send a girl gand, I mean gang, to your house.


Amrita Rao
At the end of the day, you can always just go back to your first heroine, no? Amrita Rao is in actuality, the most ideal girl for you. In fact, believe it or not, you are most liked when you star opposite Rao. Five films and you’ve never really been linked to Amrita, how did you allow that to happen, Shahid? That is so unlike you. For this reason, if not any other, at least court the pretty girl. Both of your careers are at the same place too—bottom of a dry lake. Ishq Vishk toh banta hai boss.


All of a sudden, things don’t look so bad, haan Shahid? Also, see how I conveniently left out Katrina Kaif for you. Slightly worried you might leave out a 'T' from her name…problem na ho jaaye, you know. Now choose, fast fast!

Filmy Fashion Files: Current Trends!

Being a fashionista in Bollywood is hardly a task for our A-listed actresses; it’s a way of life. Whether they’re spotted at the airport, at big industry dos or even at charity events, they’re dressed to kill…and ready to be clicked by the media who cannot seem to get enough of them. Not only do they follow trends, they create them too. This season, they seem to be accessorizing and sporting clothes of different styles and prints. And if you’re looking for some fashion inspiration, here’s your low down!

While the city of Mumbai doesn’t seem to have autumn as a season, our Bollywood stars are not ones to stay too far behind in keeping up with fall trends. The first of which is the scarf. Whether it’s short or long, silk or wool, Bollywood loves this accessory right now. Gauri Khan was spotted wearing hubby SRK’s skulled out scarf while Kareena Kapoor, who is rarely spotted devoid of a scarf, takes to longer, chunkier ones. Styling and scarf tying, is totally at random, of course. While some choose to go fancy, chic or bohemian, others prefer a more casual “tossed-around-my-neck” look.

Another accessory that seems to be making it to the ramp and at events is the chunky neck pieces. But there is trick to wearing neck wear of this caliber: keep the outfit simple. Check out how the actress of the moment, Sridevi, keeps her green dress to a complete minimum while she pairs it with a beaded necklace. And if you’re going to opt for even more solid colors, add a pop of color to your neck with your neck piece to add that extra oomph ala Kangna Ranaut to make a statement.

The dhoti pant has come a long way in Indian fashion. But it’s only now that it has been westernized and styled enough also, to make it a fashionable to sport at events and parties. Whether it’s Priyanka Chopra or Chitrangada Singh, they all seem to be donning the dhoti in a variety of colors, prints and lengths even. Add a pair of heels or some good old fashioned mojaaris, and you’re good to go.

It doesn’t look like bright lips are going anywhere, anytime soon. Whether it’s the dusky Bipasha Basu or the porcelain skinned Kareena Kapoor, they all seem to finding bright pinks and cherry reds to paint on their pouts. The key is to pick a color that suits your personality and skin too.

When it comes to footwear this season, our Bollywood celebs will keep themselves heeled but studded too. The rocker look seems to be dominating their feel this season as they will be spotted with metallic studs of all shapes and sizes scattered all over their shoes. But it’s Deepika Padukone who’s rocking it out in her studded heels on this month’s Vogue cover. You can expect the rest of the actresses to follow suit right about….now.

~


First published BollywoodHungama, October 13, 2012

Problem, Problem, Problem!

To say that I have a problem with everything is like saying that I love Bollywood; DUH! I really do have an issue with everything in the world. But more recently, it’s my favorite topic, Bollywood that has been really giving me a hard time. A lot of issues that are currently giving me sleepless nights are all courtesy of our filmmakers and on occasion, the stars of the films too. You see, they seem to be irking me with the amount of nonsense they seem to be throwing my way. And since Hong Kong has happened, I've been spending a lot of my free time in front of the telly tuned into MTV. Hence, the issues.

Heroine

Problem #2: I want this dress.

My problem with Heroine is that you need to take an antidepressant after! How on earth anyone can sit through such Negative Nancy film is beyond me. I woke up the next day feeling really blue. Madhur Bandarkar isn’t one who makes ‘feel good’ films but was it necessary to make a film that makes you want to jump off the nearest bridge? And while Bebo rocked as Mahi, at no point in time did I feel an ounce of pity for her character. How on earth Bebo got through the film without falling into a deep case of misery, is beyond me.

Jab Tak Hain Jaan
Oh, dear lord, where to begin with this? I have a big huge problem with Challa, for starters. SRK has single-handedly ruined a beautiful song by dancing around like a spaz. And what is up with Yash Uncle believing that SRK in a beard. Ray Bans and a uniform connotes for a hit film? What kind of 1993 formula is that? But all this aside, its SRK repeatedly chiming the “Jab Tak Hain Jaan” line in the promos that really make me want to pull my hair out! That wannabe orgasmic voice of his is the biggest put off and repetition doesn’t make it any sexier.

Student of the Year
Sigh. Karan, Karan, Karan. What are we going to do with you? I think you should start paying for my sleep aid. Whether it’s your rather odd cast, the cheesiness that is oozing from the promos or the randomness that is Ishq Wala Love, it all makes me want to…puke! I’m not sure what the point of your film is. But then I’m not sure what the point of most your films are anyway, so why should this be any different I suppose.

K.L.P.D.
My problem is simple. Mallaika Sherawat and Vivek Oberoi. Together. In a film. And it’s called KLPD.

Aiyyaa
Umm, I love the soundtrack of the film because it’s catchy and funky. But my issue is with Rani and her new found love for her jiggling belly. It’s really not a fun sight so I think she should kinda sorta hide it. And as excited as I am for the film, I prefer a non-jiggling Rani, i.e. a fully clad

Some wise man has said, "Every problem has a solution." Can some other wise man please tell me what the solution is exactly?

The Bollywood Mashup!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about Bollywood, no? It’s been a while since I’ve blogged at all in fact. But moving and adjusting has taken a bit of a toll on me. However, all is good and I promise regular posts from here on. Okay so yes, Bollywood, what is going on? I’ve been quietly observing you lately and I am mighty worried.

For starters, there is Priyanka Chopra, who is making her singing (read: auto tune) debut. So here’s the deal. You’re Indian, you’re an ex Miss World and yet you pose like Rihanna in glittery pumps and sing in an American accent? Errr, somewhere something doesn’t make sense. I would have had heaps of respect for P.C. if she had put some Indian element to the single. Instead, we get a very wannabe-ish attempt and a completely auto tuned voice which not only puts one off but makes you put Piggy Chops back in the “Get Outta Town” bracket. I’m not a P.C. fan by default – she’s far too pretentious for me, but at least I would have had some respect for the lady. Sheee!

And then there is Rani Mukherjee in Aiyya. By now you’ve all seen Dreamum Wakeupum. And if you haven’t, refrain or else you will be scarred for life. Why is it that every actress above the age of 32 feels that the only way they can stick around is to put on Silk Smitha acts ala Vidya Balan in The Dirty Picture? Rani, Rani, Rani, you are far better than that. It’s not the song that is awful – no, no, it’s actually one helluva catchy track. The lyrics are funky even. It’s Rani jiggling and bouncing around that is very painful. 

If you were missing Preity Zinta, look no further because she is back. Um, you remember when Preity could smile and emote? Yeah, she can’t do that anymore courtesy of all that work that she’s had done on her face. In fact, her expression in the promo has been stationary whether she smiles, smirks and even looks upset. It’s all the same. Ishqk in Paris is her comeback film but I’d rather see her charming face come back versus her rather plastic face. The film looks funnish, I guess. There’s a shaadi number also which I think is supposed to be a crowd drawer but it’s very meh. Also, her dimples seem to missing...conspiracy theory?

What do I say about my Bebo Didi aka Kareena Kapoor? With her wedding on the horizon and Heroine on the brink of release, she sure does have a lot on her plate. But I’m rather worried for Bebo Didi. You see, I have a gut feeling Heroine isn’t going to work. And here’s my funda; Heroine is really just an extension of Fashion. What is the difference between the life of a model and of an actress? Very little, no? The struggles and lifestyle are almost identical. So what newness and freshness can Madhur Bhandarkar bring to the audiences? What do we NOT already know about the film industry that The Dirty Picture hasn’t told us? In my opinion, this is actually a film that should not be made and if anything, the role should have been taken on by a newcomer. Bebo could have easily waited for something incredibly different from the Bhandarkar house to have been a part of. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong though!

For all you Sridevi fans, English Vinglish is nearly here and by god, it looks fabulous! Not only does she look like a million bucks but her acting seems to have improved too. I have a feeling this will be an underplayed performance by Sri backed by a good script. And yes, she will be dancing!

Of course, you all know I’m dreading Student of the Year. Karan Johar’s candy floss films really get on my nerves. I have no issues with teeny-bop films but please make them somewhat relatable. 

Oh, so before I leave you, a lot of folks have been asking for my 2012 picks. So, here are the films I’ve enjoyed so far this year:

Agneepath – Fabulous remake!

Tere Naal Love Ho Gaya – Super cute.

Paan Singh Tomar – It stars Irrfan Khan; enough said.

Vicky Donor – Easily the film of the year – smart, funny, entertaining.

Ishaqzaade – Surprise performances and a good storyline.

Shanghai – Emraan Hashmi and Abhay Deol work this political drama to the core.

Gangs of Wasseypur – Rustic and a great film to learn gaalis from.

Bol Bachchan – While this is all Ajay Devgn, Abhishek really impresses.

Cocktail – Cheeseball film of the year with Deepika Padukone stealing the limelight.

Ek Tha Tiger – Eff the 100 Crore club, this one went on to make 200! Salman Khan underplays his role and how! Katrina kicks ass real well, great music, good sights, entertaining, short and fun!

Why, Bollywood, Why?

I have nothing else to do but ask the following stars one question: Why?

Why does the Heroine promo not excite me? Why does it look like an extension of Fashion? Why does it look like it lacks a plot?



Why was Mr. Amitabh Bachchan asked to run with the Olympic torch? What has his contribution to the sporting world been?

Why does Sherlyn Chopra think she deserves a Bharat Ratna Award after she posed nude for Playboy?

Why is Sunny Leone wearing clothes in Jism 2 when she plays a porn star?

Why do Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor think that news of their wedding happening and then not happening is such a big deal?

Why does Aamir Khan think we'll miss Sunday mornings without him vis-a-vis SMJ?

 Any answers cause I'm stumped.

ZOMG!!!

Yes, yes, I am back. Just fell into a bit of a lull (or is it LULZ) or rather, fell into a really rotten ditch. And then just like Bruce Wayne (Batman) who too had fallen in a jail/well, I too had to face my fears and climb out of it minus a rope. So here I am, raring to go and basically, a lot on my mind which of course, I must share with ya’ll, cause, um you all missed me so much and are all dying with agony to hear about everything I have to say, no? Of course, you are. And if you aren’t excited, well then too bad; you have no choice.

That Loser Shooter
First of all, to all my ‘friends’ who thought it would be funny to send me messages along the lines of, “Don’t get shot!” after I updated my status on FB to read, “#TDKR @ the cinema”, have you met my middle finger? Who needs enemies when I got friends like you? Anyway, back to the loser shooter whom I refuse to name because that will only give him more attention than he deserves. I’ll say this. Until America doesn’t fix its gun laws, it really should not and cannot call itself a first world country. Not only that, but the loser shooter, is still only a ‘suspect’ because he is ‘innocent until proven guilty’ and oh, did I mention that he’s white. Why is that important? Here’s why. Dekho, if he was Black, he’d be a drug addict; if he was Latino, then a border hopper and if he was Muslim, then a terrorist. But he is none of the above and thus, he is just a suspect. Welcome to America in 2012; where the White still reign and everyone else is still judged by stereotypes. One only hopes the media will pay more attention to the victims and give their families strength to get through this difficult time.

He Has Risen…and How!
Yes, The Dark Knight Rises has been watched and loved immensely. Christopher Nolan has outdone himself this time with the most epic ending to a trilogy possible. Yes, all the actors put on amazing performances which left you spellbound but it’s the plot, the execution and the climax which forced the 4:50 PM show at Pacific Commons Cinema, Auditorium 10, to give the film a standing ovation followed by a roaring applause. I refuse to give out any spoilers. You simply just have to watch it to understand the epicness that is The Dark Knight Rises.

Desi Girl
So according to an ‘ignorant’ daily, India is one of the most dangerous countries in the world for women. You know this is only because of recent horrific events, right? But to set the record straight, here are some facts.

Women raped on a daily basis in Congo: 1,152
Women raped on a daily basis in India: 57

90% of women face domestic violence in Pakistan
70% of women face domestic violence in India

In Afghanistan, 87% of women are illiterate
In India, 35% of the women are illiterate

India doesn’t look so bad in comparison, eh? Look, even these numbers aren’t something we, as modern day Indians, should be proud of. The fact that we have double digit numbers in any of these categories is rather shameful. But to call India a “dangerous” country is rather far-fetched. Yes, we’re currently clearly dealing with a bunch of frustrated set of men who, in some parts of India, where men believe women are still inferior. This doesn’t mean the entire male population of India is out on the streets waiting to gang rape every woman they see. It just isn’t like that. In fact, while the women are outraged at what has happened in Guwahati, the men of India are equally as furious. To call India a “dangerous” country is completely ignorant. There are imbeciles in every developed country in the world but that hardly makes us ‘dangerous’. And if we were THAT dangerous, would we have been able to elect a female Prime Minister and President?

Castration

The Guwahati incident had me fuming. But it was uneducated ignorant comments that some idiotic Indian men made towards the incident that made me want to literally castrate them too along with the perpetrators who need to be hung from their penises for their crime. A conversation with an unknown moronic man from North East India went something like this.

Me: These men should be castrated.
Him: Why? These girls should be more careful.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Guwahati is a Naxal area. And where are these girls parents? Why did they allow them to go out of the house at night?
Me: Are you educated? You sound illiterate right now.
Him: What?! We don’t know about these girls.
Me: It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing, where their parents are, why they were at a bar and where in the world they are, you cannot touch a girl! Rape is something else!
Him: But this is a Naxal area.
Me: And that makes it okay?
Him: No but these girls are wrong.
Me: You’re an idiot.
Him: Oh, well.

Castrate him too? I think so.

#MainBhiHeroine
And on a rather lighter note, just want to quickly point out how the first look poster of Heroine starring apni Bebo aka Kareena Kapoor looks a lot like my Twitter display picture. Errr…inspiration or sheer replication?

Dear Hindustan Times,

I have never used foul language on my blog. Never. But today I will make an exception. I would like to tell you a quick Fuck You today. I feel that as a recognized Indian portal, you have gone ahead to behave in a completely moronic fashion with your “Kareena Kapoor: Size Zero to Fatso” pictorial piece. This is not about Kareena Kapoor. Not at all. This is about how insensitive a piece this was. You do realize that KK is not a “fatso”, right? In fact, I clearly remember how nutty your publication went a few years ago when she took on her size zero avatar. Back then you called her a whole bunch of names including “unhealthy”. So what’s the issue now? Do you understand that you are basically implying that if you put on a bit of healthy weight, you become a fatso? And then hold on a quick second. Kareena Kapoor puts on a kilo or two and she’s a fatso, but Vidya Balan who can be easily borderline obese is what? Sexy? Why the double standards, you morons?

One of the biggest health related issues young girls deal with include anorexia and bulimia. As a society, we look down on girls who are slightly chubby or big boned – unless you’re Vidya Balan of course, then you’re just plain voluptuous. As a leading Indian publication, your job is to educate and eliminate this outdated idea from the minds of old fashioned Indians. By putting up pieces that look down on a healthy weight, you’re hardly being progressive. By this logic, you have to be a fair size zero fair woman in order to be considered hot, yes? If that is indeed your opinion, then basically my “fuck you” is completely justified.

I understand where these pieces come from. As Indians and Bollywood freaks, we’re all slightly obsessed with every aspect of a star’s life. And when it comes to Kareena Kapoor, we’re infatuated with her size. So of course, in order to bring in readers, it’s best to talk about her weight which has increased, thankfully. But calling her a “fatso” is simply not on. And then the malicious comments on each of her images were just plain down market. By sensationalizing this issue, you are indirectly promoting size zero. For this, another fuck you.

To say that you should rectify your mistake would be asking for too much. So instead, all I want to do is reiterate what I’ve been saying all along: Fuck You. Until you don’t grow the eff up and start writing meaningful articles, you deserve this type of reader. You’ve lost a reader in me. Oh and I’ve put on 2 kilos in the last few months. So yeah, I’m a proud fatso. And what?

P.S. Once again, she isn't FAT. 

Pura Review: Agent Vinod

A really hot Saif Ali Khan and an even hotter Kareena Kapoor has to equal scorching heat, no? Negative.Nyet. No. Nahin. Agent Vinod was one of the films that I was really looking forward to in 2012. "What’s not to like?" I thought. Action, romance, drama and an extremely fit Saifu, this could easily be the ‘Saif Ali Khan’ film we’ve all been waiting for. Yeah, right.

Agent Vinod (Saif Ali Khan) is your usual RAW agent who is on a mission as the film begins. He is quickly told to handle a rather dire situation after his partner (Ravi Kissen) is killed. The mission takes him all around the world before he finally figures out the complicated situation which may result in nuclear war. In between, he meets Iram (Kareena Kapoor), who assists him and naturally, the duo fall in love. He saves the day and all is well on planet earth. Oh, and there is a hint of a sequel. Yeap.

Agent Vinod is easily the worst 3 hours, yes 3 hours, I’ve spent in 2012. In fact, I demand my money back. But more than a waste of time, Agent Vinod is disappointing. As a Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor fan, it hurts to be given a film that does nothing for you. If Agent Vinod was sex, it would be the worst sex ever. It’s missionary, unorgasmic and definitely lacked any sense of heat. Boring. The first half of the film confuzzles you and just when you think you’ve got the gist of it, it bamboozles you into complete confusion. You’re apparently “treated” to spectacular visions of different sights around the world but if you ask me, they’re just showing off. It doesn’t add any value to the film! In fact, the script could have been adjusted and shot in India completely. The length of the film is one of the biggest drawbacks. There were umpteen moments when I believed the end was near. But nope. Anti climaxes again, and again. Director Sriram Raghavan disappoints and how with AV. It’s hard to believe that this is the same director who gave us the uber suave Johnny Gadaar gives us this. Oh, and another bone I have to pick is how badly and ineffectively the awesome music of the film was used.

The only real reason to watch Agent Vinod is for Saif Ali Khan. He’s slick, suave and super sexy. However, not even he can save the film from its lackluster, substance absent and overloaded on style, script. Kareena Kapoor is plain average. Her role is limited and lacks any sense of matter. The smaller roles played by the likes of Ram Kapoor (super!), Prem Chopra (awesome) and even Rajat Kapoor all manage to aid the film as well as they can.

Agent Vinod is a snooze fest. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to work in any department like it seemed to promise in the promos. Instead, you’re left with a headache and depending on where you are in the world, a few dollars short in your wallet. Maybe we just can’t get James Bondesque film right in Bollywood. And if that is the case, then spare us Bollywood. Give us some dancing around the tree instead but just do it right. Pliss.

The Good, Bad and Ugly: Filmfare Awards 2012

I’m not a Filmfare fan. Not of the magazine and definitely not of the award functions. Well, I’m not a fan of the current Filmfare. Back in day however, I loved the publication. Now however, it lacks substance and even glamour. Far too trashy for my liking. And the award ceremonies? Don’t even get me started. That said, I watch the award ceremony every single year since it happens to be a ritual my mother and I have. She watches to hopefully catch John Abraham, and I, to hate on it. 2012 was no different. I watched and found exactly what I expected: a lot of kissing– ass kissing, air kisses, etc, and farce galore. So here it is then, the good, the bad, the ugly of this year’s Filmfare Awards.

The Good:

Usha Uthup: Star of the Night

• Usha Uthup winning for best playback singer was true justice—finally they got it right. I would have screamed if Shreya Ghosal would have won (read: overrated). But it was her speech which had me choked. She teared and told the audience that this was her first award in 42 years. Well deserved.
• Oh Coke Studio’s tribute to Dev Anand and Shammi Kapoor were amazing. Shaan made my night. But what about Jagjit Singh?
• SRK’s performance with the kids was cute.
• Ranbir Kapoor. Period.
• Okay the whole Kolaveri Di line in the action sequences had me in splits.
• Madhuri Dixit looked phenomenal.

The Bad:

Ex-Rivals?

• My mother claimed that Vidya Balan behaved rather “vulgarly” with her banana giving. Honestly, I didn’t even pick that up. Moms are more observant; mine is at least.
• SRK hit an all time low with his cheap jokes. They weren’t funny. Perhaps this is what happens post two major flops?
• So Priyanka Chopra couldn’t bag any actors to be a part of her swayamwar dance, eh? Explains how she had to make do with Bappi Lahiri as her dulha in the end.
• Did anyone catch Kareena Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra linking arms and smiling for the cameras? Spare us girls.
• What was up with Kalki? She looked anorexic.
• All the dances were so overdone; been there done that. Where was Bipasha Basu? She always dances, no?
• What on earth was Akon nominated as Best Male Playback singer for? And then Chammak Challo for best lyrics? That as a joke, right? If not, then why didn’t Tu Mera Hero not get a nomination?
• Abhishek Bachchan looked really lonely. And lost.
• Why do Filmfare insist on showing us the same reactions repeatedly for stars? And whoever did the editing, you clearly have a crush on Parineeti Chopra.

The Queens

The Ugly:

• Erm, SRK and Ranbir Kapoor made really repulsive women. That whole Drag Queen segment was just not pleasing to the eye.
• As usual, Rakhi Sawant.
• Oh, and Shakti Kapoor.
• Apparently an Ali Zafar performance was edited out from the show. Shameful.
• Overall, it was rather tacky especially since Filmfare is considered to be the most “classy” and the “Mother” of all awards in India.

But wait a minute, Shah Rukh Khan walked away devoid of a black lady. Wot? They didn’t create a special category for him? Wow. iShock.

Footnote (2/21): I've been told that it's unfair to blame SRK for the tackiness of the show since it has been written by the likes of Vir Das and others. But I'll say this. For starters, they must have known who the hosts were going to be as most of the jokes were directed at SRK, RK, Ra.One, Don 2 and Rockstar. And let's say they didn't know, well that means that SRK has no power/control over what he depicts on stage. Who are you kidding? This is King Khan we are talking about. SRK was served exactly what he likes; trash, vulgar, cheap one-liners and jokes. If he was unhappy with the script, i.e. he found it too brash, you know he would have created havoc over it. But it didn't happen. Why? Because he likes it this way.  I rest my case.