First Khan, Now Clooney!

You know that the international media has hit an all time WTF when they decide that THE George Clooney is gay. Who are these journalists and what on earth has them even remotely thinking (or believing) that the eternal bachelor George Clooney would be gay? Not that there is anything wrong with it and in a way, I wouldn't be surprised but he really doesn't possess one itty-bitty molecule of queerness. But maybe it’s just that; the fact that he refuses to succumb to marriage and instead would rather keep (and enjoy) the Casanova label. But by that logic, it would mean that apna Salman Khan would have to be gay too? The Indian media has called Sallu a bunch of names; gay is not one of them.

Bollywood stars including the forever-married-and-committed Shah Rukh Khan, now-married Ritiesh Deshmukh, I-love-my-Bebo Saif Ali Khan and screw-you-all-I’m-dating-a-hottie Sajid Khan have been battling gay rumors forever now. When questioned about their sexual orientation, they all denied being attracted to men or one another even. Somehow none of us believed them and for the most part, we still don't. “Lies,” we say. SRK and Karan Johar waking up next to one another are now open jokes between the bum chums (my favorite name for them) with the latter even producing an entire bromance film, Dostana, based on the closeness between two men who were not gay. Was he trying to tell us something? Er, probably not. KJo is really not the "read between the lines" kinda filmmaker. A movie with a message from Karan Johar? I may just die of a cardiac arrest.

As a society, Indians are rather anomalous about homosexuality. Transgenders have been around for centuries now, we’ve grown immune to them. Indian men love the idea of some girl-on-girl action. “Two girls getting it on is just a scene from heaven,” a male friend said to me. But talk to him of two men getting down, and he shudders, “Gross.” Indian women, on the other hand are a lot more nonchalant towards homosexuality. We’re really not all that bothered by it whether it's man-on-man or woman-on-woman. "Do your thing!" I always say. However, my issue is with bisexuals. It is so wrong for you to bat for both sides—that is just plain selfish. Pick one already!

Our government, on the other hand, is rather iffy about homosexuality. They don’t know what to make of it. They can’t be progressive about it because of India’s ancient history and yet, they cannot sit and condemn it because of the progress we've made as a society. Thus, every time they are questioned about homosexuality, they choose to take the fifth. They stay miles away from the topic. And if any politician does make a controversial statement on being gay in India, the rest simply run in the opposite direction. Mind you, within the government itself, there is one particular man who is loved by the gay community: Rahul Gandhi. They love him for being a hottie, no other reason, really.

Bollywood on the other hand, love homosexuality. They poke fun at the subject as we’ve seen at a number of Bollywood functions, they make movies where the gay are mimicked and unknowingly create gay icons. The likes of Imran Khan, Ranbir Kapoor and even Abhishek Bachchan have all in some point in recent time been deemed gay icons. Two of the three are chikna stars while one can wear a pink shirt with great style. You figure out which is which.

That said, it’s the lads who are more than comfortable to play the gay card on screen. They actually enjoy each others company much more than they do the women. Whether it’s SRK and Saif in Kal Ho Na Ho, whose chemistry was the highlight putting Preity Zinta to shame or John Abraham and Abhishek Bachchan in Dostana, who even locked lips with one another and not the heroine of the film. The comfort level is incredible. Bromances work wonders too. The small budget Pyar Ka Punchnama and critically loved Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara were all about the boys. The former made snide jokes about women and sex while the latter was a more mature take on male bonding. These are the movies we enjoy though—a bunch of lads hanging out, being boys. When was the last time you saw a film about a bunch of Desi girls who a) actually liked one another, and b) were not bitching? And no, Aisha doesn’t count. Sadly, a film which displays women who are “close” often becomes a B grade film and probably explains why we’ve had only a handful of such films.

In India, you have to be gay at some point in time if you’re famous. You just have to. You can be married with children and linked to every actress you’ve worked it but you will be gay eventually. Everyone but Salman Khan. He is the only really completely 100% heterosexual man in Bollywood. Mind you, he’s unmarried, no children and currently, is keeping his distance from women. Right. I’ll say this though, there has to be at least one gay man in the industry. But until he grows enough balls to come out of the closet, we’ll sit and play the guessing game. And I think I have a good idea as to who could possibly in the running. What? Don’t look at me, I’m not telling.

Utterly Butterly Useless: Rahul Gandhi

You remember how I absolutely loved Rahul Gandhi and I couldn’t get enough of him? Yeah, that’s not the case anymore. I’m just appalled by how Rahul Baba has been behaving and reacting in the last few days what with all the Anna Hazare hoopla. Good manners and tezheeb all the sewers. Everyone knows that Manmohan Singh is capable of zilch without his master’s (Sonia and Rahul) guidance (read: orders). And so in times like this, where a man of prominence and age is fasting unto death until his demands are not made or at least negotiated with, you would expect the Prime Minister to come out and lead. But nope. That isn’t going to happen because his puppeteers were not around what with Sonia being ill and Rahul attending to mommy while the country goes up in chaos.

I honestly found myself comparing Rahul Baba to the Shiv Sena. When the 26/11 attacks were being carried out in Mumbai, Raj Thackeray was MIA. This time round, it’s Rahul Gandhi who has fled the scene of action. It was only after the dust settled did they appear to scream and shout inept chants. All we heard was “falana falana”. So in reality, how are Gandhi and his party any different from the Shiv Sena? In times of need and leadership, they both hide from taking charge. Scared much?

And then there is the other angle. I have a feeling that one of the reasons Rahul Baba is really upset is because Anna is getting a lot of attention. In fact, he has very quickly become a renowned youth icon. And considering Rahul was all about targeting the youth of the country, perhaps he feels slightly threatened. That too by a man who is seventy-plus and not as hot. How dare Anna do that? Win the popularity contest! It is probably for this very reason that he finally crawled out of his Italian hole and decided he needed to say erm, something. Basically, he spoke nonsense. And while he claims he is “concerned” for Anna’s life and health, you can’t help but wonder exactly how much he really cares.

But in reality, Rahul Baba really needs to watch out. See, the country has come together to fight against corruption; a deep-rooted predicament in India. So right now, they don’t give two hoots about Rahul Gandhi or any Gandhi for that matter. To them, the Gandhi’s initially tried to stop a protest vis-à-vis arresting Anna on day 1 of the fast. Democracy, tu hai kahan? A totally utterly-butterly undemocratic move by the Amul Baby and his band of boys - That said, if something does happen to Anna considering his health is deteriorating by the hour, who will be blamed?

Look, I don’t really completely understand the Jan Lokpal Bill which is ultimately the problem I think – but that’s another blog post. However, I do feel that the manner in which the government is running currently is just plain undemocratic. Check it out. If the bill does pass, word for word, then perhaps the MMSs' government is scared of how many of its own corrupt people will be exposed.

Let’s be honest, Rahul Gandhi has not contributed anything of significance to the country. Unless you consider his dashing good looks (can't deny him of it) and suave ways somewhat of a contribution. However, at the end of the day, he is still India’s Amul Baby. Moral of the story: herowala looks and an eminent last name do not maketh a political leader. Off you go now. Crawl back to mommy’s lap.

** This was written before Anna’s fast came to its end. Just forgot to hit publish. Me is a duffer. 

2010: The Pisser-Offers

I’m not one to mince words; but you already know that. And while my blog has only been up a short while, it has managed to garner much hatred which makes me über super happy. The comments calling me crude names help me sleep at night and at the same time bring you back. You know you love it. So for my final post for the year, I decided to write a list of people who have totally pissed the crap outta me in the last year. These are stars, politicians and popular personalities who have managed to really irk me to the extent that I had to write about it. Check it out.

Sonam Kapoor: She needs a book on etiquette and a finishing school course. This mannerless girl just prances around using her father’s last name with no talent. What exactly she is riding high on is beyond me. And her crassy wise-ass comments on Twitter just go to prove she is all talk. Get a life.

Shobhaa De: What is up with all the drama? Goodness! Spare us and everyone else with your nonstop banter please. We get it: you don’t like the Khans and their likes.

Barkha Dutt: Where do I begin with her? This so-called renowned Indian journalist has managed to make us all look bad and how. I hope you get taught a hard lesson next year.

Rahul Gandhi: Why would you go breaking my heart like that Rahul? Your recent comment about Hindu fanatics and terrorism was totally out of line. Sigh. Even the best can piss you off. Sad.

Karan Johar: Dude, Koffee with Karan is getting far too L.A.M.E. What’s up with all the Botox questions? If you’re interested in trying it out, ask a doctor instead of stupidly asking your guests.

Katrina Kaif: How on earth she is everywhere and doing so well is beyond me. Just goes to show you talent is a meaningless word in Hindi cinema. You can be a statue and still be successful. And why does she have this nonstop scowl on her face. Smile much?

Okay before I am officially barred from blogging forever, I think I’ll stop. You can be sure I’ll be back with more next year and it will be more vile, more brutal and more honest.

Two Strikes - You're Out!

I have come to believe that no matter how strongly we as Indians ask for our incompetent government to take action in many matters, we are basically talking to a brick wall. When a catastrophe happens and things go down super bad, then they assure us that justice will be served; "We will give you answers!" they tell us. And yet, nothing. Just as normal citizens go back to normal living, we are hit with another incident which does nothing but reassures us that yes, our government is incapable of providing us, tax-paying citizens, with a commodity as simple as security. Barely had the grueling memory of 26/11 faded from our minds when we were hit with another one to add to the batch of scars: Pune 13/2.

Granted the magnitude of the attack wasn't as great but this doesn't by any means indicate that it is okay. Not at all. In fact, if an attack this small cannot be prevented then I'm not sure what that says about the extent to which these "stateless actors" could harm the country. This time it was a small German Bakery which is located near the popular Osho Ashram and a local Jewish prayer house which are both, so I'm told, situated in a pretty happening part of Pune, Koregaon Park. Who knows where and what is next?

Who is to blame? Do we blame our government who we already know are incapable of anything. Or maybe we should blame the local police. Apparently, on the day of the attack, they were too busy patrolling around looking for Valentine's Day couples who chose to coochie-coo while the rest of the police were providing security to moviegoers who chose to defy the Shiv Sena and watch My Name is Khan. Does this mean we should blame Cupid and Karan Johar? Or maybe we should just blame ourselves. After all we should have known better right? We should have known that a simple local bakery is not the place to be on a Sunday evening as a terror strike was being planned.

If you're looking for answers, know this: you ain't getting any. The government will continue to provide you will cover ups, ways to demonstrate that they are working on it. They will let you know that Kasab's trial is being sped up and that David Headley is also being bought to justice. Mind you, it wasn't our Desi intelligence but the Americans who bought out the mastermind behind the 26/11 attacks. But this isn't what we are asking for! We want answers. When will YOU, the government of India, provide US, the tax-paying citizens, with the following:
1) Adequate answers
2) Justice for our lost victims
3) Security
I mean is that too much to ask? Perhaps. I'm not blaming the country here but the rotten system.

Our politicians are in dire need of a reality check. Where is Raj and Bal Thackeray now? Hiding yet again huh? And what happened to you Rahul Gandhi? Perhaps now you should hop on the next train to Pune to see what exactly transpired. I'm thoroughly disappointed in Chidambaram. I cannot believe a man of his stature actually have the audacity to say that this incident is not a failure in intelligence. YES IT IS! A complete failure. If you cannot provide our local neighborhoods with enough protection, then you as a government are a failed one.

The entire situation is disgraceful. As citizens, this is the time to ask for justice. Lives were lost, people injured and yet again a nation hurt. The morale of India is constantly being challenged. How many times will we pick ourselves up? I'm sick of hearing the phrase, "We will not allow terrorism to affect us." Let's not pretend it doesn't. It does. This is the second strike. This isn't a baseball game where you're given three strikes. This is real life. Two strikes, you are definitely out.

Midway through '09

Who would have guessed we would have come half way through 2009? The year has really flown. While I wished June would have gotten off to a better start, courtesy of work that hasn't been possible, but I am definitely going to be a lot more optimistic. It can never get worst - only better...or at least that's what I keep telling myself. Well lots to talk about and heaps to discuss, lets get on with it shall we?

Headlines Today Impact

I'm always raving about how much I love Headlines Today for various reasons but today, I have love and respect for the channel. The channel managed to unravel two highly sensitive and important cases which have leaders have been completely neglected: the Bullet Proof Jackets, which have yet to reach Mumbai police post 26/11 (they were promised this commodity); and the milk scandal. For starters, leaders promised Mumbai cops that they would receive state of the art modern bulletproof vests for the protection. This of course, after 26/11 when the country realized that their own forces were not being protected correctly. The file apparently went "missing." It was only when HT went ahead and questioned the state of the inquiry, did leaders finally probe further. The vests will reach Mumbai Police soon. Amen.

The milk scandal is relatively new - but HT reporters went undercover to expose this racket. It seems that milkman were faking milk by mixing drain water with a whole bunch of deadly liquids which are poisonous. This faulty play was divulged by the HT crew and badda-bing it was all over! Gotta love that channel.

Gandhi x2

The Gandhi's, Rahul and Varun, both took their respective oaths into congress this week. While it was definitely a sight, Varun took his in Hindi and Rahul in English, the highlight was watching the boys bow down and prostrate to their aunts, Priyanka and Sonia when the ceremony was over. Gotta love boys who know that family feud aside, respect reigns high. Rajiv and Sanjay would be proud. Oh, while we're on the note of politics, for the first time in Indian history, a woman was elected as Speaker of the House: Meira Kumar. Although rumors claim she is quite the quiet one, so I'm not sure how that is going to work. We'll just wait and watch. Incidentally, members keep referring to her as "Sir!" It may take some time for them to adjust to calling her "Madam." Ha!

Air France Tragedy

This story was ultra disturbing. An Air France flight travelling from Brazil to France went down in the Atlantic killing 228 people on board. While every life is precious, it was sad to hear about a young boy who was headed back to boarding school. My prayers are with the families at this tragic time.

Racial Beatings in Aussie

I'd always heard of it - Racism in Australia. In fact they are known for referring to Indians as "Curry." Lame. Anyhow, more recently, local Australians have been beating up Indian students causing them to land up in the ICU. Lamer. It's a sad day in the world when modern students feel the need to make foreign students even more foreign. And the local authorities deem it as "the wrong place at the wrong time." Sick. Interestingly, I've come to believe, and agree with my fav Prabhu Chawla, that it is simply because we play better cricket. Talk about a bunch of sore losers. I really hope those imbeciles are caught and HUNG. Disgusting behavior.

June 4th 1989 Memories

The date is actually special to me. It was on this date 20 years ago that my parents hosted a huge gala which was my brother's naming ceremony. It was also on this day that the Tiananmen Square Massacre occurred. Over 100,000 students protested for freedom on this day only to be killed by local officials in tanks: 7,000 people were dead. You would think that the Chinese officials will be sombre and finally admit their fault. Negative. Instead they are trying to hide their wrong doings. The government has banned Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and the likes to prevent any means of protest around the world. And, any reporters within the Tiananmen Square area were blocked off by officials carrying umbrellas. Since they can't stop me, I can go ahead and condemn the attacks and wish that the Chinese government would GROW UP!

India Unsafe?

Check it out. The US Embassy has deemed India "Unsafe." HA! Unsafer? We are safer than a million other countries. P. Chidabaram of course, the rockstar, went ahead and said they would tell the US to take down the advisory. Whatever America.

And lastly, I finally launched Roshni Magazine: http://www.roshnimagazine.com

So far, the feedback has been awesome. Check it out!!

Photo Credit: June Flowers

The Mayhem that is May

May was beyond chaotic. It may have something to do with me taking on too much for my own good BUT, its always good to be busy - an idle mind is the devil's mind and I for one, know that too damn well. But more importantly so much has been going on in the world and my maddness has only added to the mayhem which is May. Ready to read? Off we go!

IPL and IPL

It was literally the Indian Premiere Cricket League versus the Indian Political League this year. While the Congress party took the take and won majority, which was quite expected, it seems that the favorites on the cricket end were unable to live up to their lineage. Manmohan Singh was reappointed as the Prime Minister, after Rahul Gandhi politely declined (how disappointed am I?), Sachin and Saurav are headed back home from South Africa after their teams, Mumbai Indians and Kolkatta Knight Riders both were booted out of the IPL. And I was favoring M.I. big time, counting on the little maestro to pull a rabbit out of his magicians hat. It's not fair to expect that much from him I suppose. Oh well - next year, Mumbai will kick butt. I'm sure of it. After all, I intend on being there to support my team all the way. Now I'm stuck finding a new team to support 'till the end... hmph.

Advani: No Support From the Ani's

I didn't think L.K. Advani would win but I did expect the Sindhi population to support him in India. Get this, Ulhasnagar whose Sindhi population is over 40%, only had a 26% voter turn out. Not only did the decide not to vote for him, they didn't even bother turning up on voting day. In fact, the day before voting, a campaign titled "Jago Sindhi Jago" was in full force all in hopes to encourage the Sindhi population to get up and vote for Advani but to no avail obviously.

Crushing Over Rahul Gandhi

All it took was one press conference where he smiled and flaunted his dimples everso cutely. I was floored. For many years now, I never understood why the girls oggled over Rahul Gandhi. But I was so wrong - and had never paid close enough attention. Rahul Gandhi is not only HOT, but uber cute. And what he did was so commendable - promising a journalist that he would definitely get to his question next. Which he did of course. But his mannerism and courtesy with which he responded was adorably regal. Clearly, he is his fathers son. Only Rajiv Gandhi's son could be so perfect.

Discrimination in Delhi

I was told such an interesting fact the other day which not only stomped me but made me realize how little I knew about my country. Did you know that Chandni Chowk, yes yes, Delhi 6, is divided into a Hindu and Muslim area? And whats more, if by chance, you walk into the Hindu area asking for a meat-filled paratha, they will laugh and tell you, you are in the wrong area. Who would have known? Who knew the capital city would still have so much discrimination. I need to witness it to believe it honestly, but something tells me I would get quite a beating.

100 Days

Obama completed 100 days of his regime. What is his claim to fame thus far? Ordered the closure of Guantamo Bay, lessened pressure on Stem Cell bans etc. I guess he is still working on the recession and job issues that are still a part of America. I haven't quite made up my mind on him yet.

Misc May

And besides all this, my publication will be up and going by the end of the week. Watch this space for more on that!

Photo Credit: lifeway.com