First Khan, Now Clooney!

You know that the international media has hit an all time WTF when they decide that THE George Clooney is gay. Who are these journalists and what on earth has them even remotely thinking (or believing) that the eternal bachelor George Clooney would be gay? Not that there is anything wrong with it and in a way, I wouldn't be surprised but he really doesn't possess one itty-bitty molecule of queerness. But maybe it’s just that; the fact that he refuses to succumb to marriage and instead would rather keep (and enjoy) the Casanova label. But by that logic, it would mean that apna Salman Khan would have to be gay too? The Indian media has called Sallu a bunch of names; gay is not one of them.

Bollywood stars including the forever-married-and-committed Shah Rukh Khan, now-married Ritiesh Deshmukh, I-love-my-Bebo Saif Ali Khan and screw-you-all-I’m-dating-a-hottie Sajid Khan have been battling gay rumors forever now. When questioned about their sexual orientation, they all denied being attracted to men or one another even. Somehow none of us believed them and for the most part, we still don't. “Lies,” we say. SRK and Karan Johar waking up next to one another are now open jokes between the bum chums (my favorite name for them) with the latter even producing an entire bromance film, Dostana, based on the closeness between two men who were not gay. Was he trying to tell us something? Er, probably not. KJo is really not the "read between the lines" kinda filmmaker. A movie with a message from Karan Johar? I may just die of a cardiac arrest.

As a society, Indians are rather anomalous about homosexuality. Transgenders have been around for centuries now, we’ve grown immune to them. Indian men love the idea of some girl-on-girl action. “Two girls getting it on is just a scene from heaven,” a male friend said to me. But talk to him of two men getting down, and he shudders, “Gross.” Indian women, on the other hand are a lot more nonchalant towards homosexuality. We’re really not all that bothered by it whether it's man-on-man or woman-on-woman. "Do your thing!" I always say. However, my issue is with bisexuals. It is so wrong for you to bat for both sides—that is just plain selfish. Pick one already!

Our government, on the other hand, is rather iffy about homosexuality. They don’t know what to make of it. They can’t be progressive about it because of India’s ancient history and yet, they cannot sit and condemn it because of the progress we've made as a society. Thus, every time they are questioned about homosexuality, they choose to take the fifth. They stay miles away from the topic. And if any politician does make a controversial statement on being gay in India, the rest simply run in the opposite direction. Mind you, within the government itself, there is one particular man who is loved by the gay community: Rahul Gandhi. They love him for being a hottie, no other reason, really.

Bollywood on the other hand, love homosexuality. They poke fun at the subject as we’ve seen at a number of Bollywood functions, they make movies where the gay are mimicked and unknowingly create gay icons. The likes of Imran Khan, Ranbir Kapoor and even Abhishek Bachchan have all in some point in recent time been deemed gay icons. Two of the three are chikna stars while one can wear a pink shirt with great style. You figure out which is which.

That said, it’s the lads who are more than comfortable to play the gay card on screen. They actually enjoy each others company much more than they do the women. Whether it’s SRK and Saif in Kal Ho Na Ho, whose chemistry was the highlight putting Preity Zinta to shame or John Abraham and Abhishek Bachchan in Dostana, who even locked lips with one another and not the heroine of the film. The comfort level is incredible. Bromances work wonders too. The small budget Pyar Ka Punchnama and critically loved Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara were all about the boys. The former made snide jokes about women and sex while the latter was a more mature take on male bonding. These are the movies we enjoy though—a bunch of lads hanging out, being boys. When was the last time you saw a film about a bunch of Desi girls who a) actually liked one another, and b) were not bitching? And no, Aisha doesn’t count. Sadly, a film which displays women who are “close” often becomes a B grade film and probably explains why we’ve had only a handful of such films.

In India, you have to be gay at some point in time if you’re famous. You just have to. You can be married with children and linked to every actress you’ve worked it but you will be gay eventually. Everyone but Salman Khan. He is the only really completely 100% heterosexual man in Bollywood. Mind you, he’s unmarried, no children and currently, is keeping his distance from women. Right. I’ll say this though, there has to be at least one gay man in the industry. But until he grows enough balls to come out of the closet, we’ll sit and play the guessing game. And I think I have a good idea as to who could possibly in the running. What? Don’t look at me, I’m not telling.