Russell Peters: Moron Number One

The worst people on this planet are wannabe hypocrites. They not only make my blood boil but in my mind, they should be burned at the stake. And currently, one such person whom I believe should really jump in a well so deep that no one will hear him when feisty Indian water snakes bite him, is Russell Peters. See I’ve never been a huge fan of his. Yes yes, he’s funny when he goes, “Somebody gonna get a hurt – blah blah,” but gimme something else dude. It’s fine that you make fun of your culture, fine that you find it hilarious to stand on stage and poke fun at everyone else, and it’s also fine that you call Bollywood ‘garbage’. But then don’t turn around and act in a Bollywood film you moron. I mean c’mon.

He hates Bollywood, calls all the “thousands” of actors nothing but pretty faces who, and I quote, “cannot act to save their lives.” I wonder how this comment sat with Speedy Singhs producer, Akshay Kumar. But that’s not even the worst part. But hello, has he looked in mirror? He looks like an Oompa Loompa to me. The straight up fool, I mean standup comedian, has the audacity to claim that his debut film, “Speedy Singhs” is not a Bollywood film. Then what is it? A French film? What part of Speedy Singhs does not scream Bollywood? Music, dance, drama, Akshay Kumar as producer. Uh hello nut job, this is as Bollywood as it gets. No but wait, wait, in his words, it’s just a film with “Indian actors”. Where’s the nearest Kendriya Vidyalaya? This guy needs a good education which he didn’t obviously get in Canada. Don’t worry Russell, our Vidyalaya will take care of that.

FYI: Oompa Loompa

Look, I’m not saying you need to love Bollywood. I understand that there is a huge chunk of the Desi population who don’t like Hindi films. Yes, they can be cheesy, over-the-top and so on. It works for me but not necessarily everyone else. So fine. You don’t like, so you make a mockery. No worries. But then, Mr. Russell Peters, please spare us with your presence in a Bollywood film. Trust me, Speedy Singhs is not gonna do anything for your career or the box office. You are and will always will be, a stage comedian. Bollywood does not want you or care for you darling.

I needed a reason to convince people to boycott Speedy Singhs. Your little hissy-fit has provided me reason and ammo. And if this is a publicity stunt, well then I think your little plan may have backfired. Ain’t nobody gonna watch the film anyway.

You’ve caused enough drama for yourself with your hatred comments toward Bollywood and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s pregnancy. If I were you, I’d run on back home to Canada where people find you funny. What a sad case it is for you when you come home to your roots only to be treated with gaalis. You do realize we pretty much hate you now, right? If you're one of those lost confused Desis who believe they need to find their roots, then do it correctly dude. Your confused Desi friends will tell you, the only way to find your roots is to backpack all over India. Apparently, this is only way. Somehow, miraculously, you'll find your so-called roots and feel like you belong. <Please insert rolling eyes emoticon here> 

Man, you’ve pissed me off so much with your immature, shameless, cheap, disgusting comments, that I really hope the Shiv Sena hunts you down, ties you to a chair and forces you to watch the cheesiest Hindi films ever made. Until then, march on home jerk-off.

P.S. If you do eventually want to star in a Bollywood film, David Dhawan will be more than happy to cast you in and as Moron Number One. 

13/7: Mumbai Strong; But For How Long?

It felt like a scene straight out of a Hindi movie. I woke up to voice mails and nonstop messages from friends letting me know that Mumbai had been attacked. Again. My heart literally went dhak-dhak; dhak-dhak; dhak-dhak. I jumped out of bed with a lump in my throat and crashed on my couch in front of the television. For a hard core Mumbaikar (at heart at least) like myself, sitting and watching your favorite city up in flames, courtesy of a series of coordinated bombs, from the opposite hemisphere is heart wrenching. I found myself  falling into 26/11 mode. Unhappy, angry, scared and furious, I heard the updates while my Mother called relatives and friends to check on their safety. Lucky for us, our loved ones were all safe and sound.

I have one question for the Indian government: can you or can't you protect your citizens? It is just not fair for Mumbaikars to deal with such incidents over and over again. Just because they happen to be a resilient city, this does not mean this vitality should be taken for granted.  Everyone has a breaking point. If you, the Indian government, cannot protect your taxpaying citizens, then either you step down so we can find an administration that will or you step it up. Trust me, there will come a point where the citizens of the country will hit their saturation point and then, they will take it upon themselves to protect their country. And if they revolt, you'll find yourself dealing with dire circumstances; one that will be harder to control.

The details will keep coming in and we'll hear from the government who 'condemn' the attacks. Of course you do! The five year-old kid down the street playing gaali cricket condemns it. Our government uses that word far too loosely, it really pisses me off. But where are our Marathi manoos? The Shiv Sena, as usual hibernating in their homes, will come out of their hiding tomorrow morning and tell us how 'upset' they are. No one will take responsibility and we'll go back to believing that we are safe. For now at least.And we'll have those Candlelight Vigils headed by Bollywood stars but what good will that do?

This time however, the panic was not insane. We saw Mumbaikars come out to help one another. Twitter was used effectively while the rumors were kept to a complete minimum. It was all information and for the first time, Social Media in India did not sensationalize a dire situation.

Personally, I don't know what to say this time around. Who do we blame? The terrorists? Why should we blame them. They know we aren't and can't be protected and thus, they attack us again and again. Or should we blame our government? The ones we vote for or really, don't vote for. It's times like this I always say, if you didn't vote, then you need to STFU. It's because of you - the educated non-voter, that we have a government that is incapable. And it's not the rich that suffers; it's the common man on the street who hurts the most. The man who decided to have a quick bhel puri at Zaveri Bazaar, who will never come home again.

Look, terrorism has no religion but we know where it's coming from. So where do we go from here?