Soul Searching...

I've been doing some real soul-searching for a while now, and my conclusion became my Twitter status: "I'm in the wrong country, doing the wrong work, and living the wrong life! SAVE ME" Exaggerated? Probably. But ultimately that is how I feel-- lost! It's insane because I really shouldn't be feeling this way at all. My writing career is finally headed down the right track, I'm making heaps of progress and my networking skills are gaining me quite an interesting reputation -- not satisfied. The magazine has gone from strength to strength and has a fab reputation -- not satisfied. My confidence level has peaked and I'm at an ultimate high -- not satisfied. So what on earth am I looking for? Happiness and human satisfaction go hand-in-hand. If you're not satisfied, you definitely ain't happy, "“Human happiness and human satisfaction must ultimately come from within oneself. It is wrong to expect some final satisfaction to come from money or from a computer" claims the Dalai Lama. And of course, that makes sense.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just plain greedy. I want it all - fame, recognition, love, success and of course money. But you don't get everything in life and I for one am definitely not lucky enough to achieve all of those. So does that mean I need to settle for less? Do I need to give up one or two of my wants/goals? I promised myself never to do that so why now.They say if you want something bad enough, the entire universe conspires to ensure you get what you want -- providing you work hard for it.

And as I write this blog entry, I get a new writing gig from ELLE India. What more could a girl ask for? And yet, I am anything but pleased. It makes me want to puke sometimes that I could be so greedy. When did I become like this? I've always been the selfless one. The one who thinks about others; family first - remember? This feeling is so alien to me so, it feels incorrect even.

Oh Bah Humbug! I refuse to be the girl who isn't proud of her accomplishments. I've come too far to feel bogged down by my success. And maybe that is what it is -- I'm scared of being successful. But I've said I could never imagine myself being a "nobody." I was meant to be someone -- who makes a difference and dies well-known. I crave for fame.... sad but true. And it's okay! So one day you may see me, and I may wear designer shades and shoes, but its more than likely I'll be the same ol' Roshni -- grounded like the tree and still reaching for the sky. But most importantly content, loved, successful and happy.

Photo Credit: BrushStrokes

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